Tag Archives: humor

November 7, 2014 · 5:42 am

Blacktip Island Launches Surveillance Satellite

Amateur photo of Conchnik 1’s Thursday night launch from Blacktip Island’s Spider Bight space port.

The Tiperon Island Space Agency Thursday night launched its first low-Earth orbiting satellite, Cocnhnik 1, from Blacktip Island, making the Caribbean island nation the newest member of the world’s orbital launch-capable community.

“This sucker puts Blacktip, and the Tiperons, on the interstellar map,” said Rich Skerritt, owner of Skerritt Communications, one of the project’s underwriters. “Blacktip’s not an isolated backwater anymore. We’re flying with the big dogs now.

“Conchnik was locally designed and built, start to finish,” Skerritt said. “The solid rocket boosters were fueled with weapons-grade rum resin produced right here on Blacktip Island.”

Space agency officials promise Conchnik 1 will provide improved communications, weather forecasting and scuba dive site navigation.

Critics, however, questioned how the fledgling space program was funded and what other purposes Conchnik’s top-secret payload might used for.

“They launch some multi-billion dollar gizmo that’s five times the country’s yearly budget, and we’re supposed to believe they did it out of the goodness of their hearts?” local activist Ledford Waite said. “What kind of communication? And what kind of navigation?

“Who’s to say they’re not funneling all this data to the NSA for a fat paycheck? Or that the North Korea didn’t flat-out pay for this thing 100 percent?” Waite said. “It’s a spy satellite, plain and simple. Well, maybe not so simple – it is maintaining a low-Earth orbit. But that just proves my point.”

Government officials were quick to dispel those fears.

“Conchnik 1’s mission is purely scientific,” TISA spokesperson Dr. Azul Tang said via satellite phone from an astrophysics conference in Brazil. “Could it be used for surveillance? Sure. But in a public safety context. If someone gets robbed or murdered or lost on a dive site, this satellite will enable us to take appropriate action as soon as possible.

“Conchnik was financed by public donations,” Tang said. “School children held bake sales as part of their science curriculum. This criticism is unfounded and harmful top the community.”

Other community members had a more cynical view of the project.

“Skerritt’s a pirate, from a family of pirates, and Led Waite’s been co-opted,” local activist Harry Pickett said. “A satellite manufactured and launched from Blacktip Island? Seriously? There is no satellite. There never was. There’s just a crappy YouTube video.”

“They faked the project, and the launch, to drain the public purse. Everyone in on it’s living it up in South America by now. And with Led and his cronies protesting the so-called satellite, well, it gives credence to the scam.”

Those involved with the program disagreed.

“Conspiracy theories and rectums – everybody’s got one,” Rich Skerritt said. “How in the world could you fake something the whole island saw? These hippies are just worried we’ll be keeping tabs on them.”

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Tagged as Blacktip Island, blog fiction, Caribbean fiction, Caribbean island, humor, low-Earth orbit, satellite, space agency, Tim W. Jackson

October 31, 2014 · 5:50 am

Zombie Barracuda Stalks Blacktip Island Divers

Amateur photo of what is believed to be the undead barracuda terrorizing Blacktip Island divers. (photo by John Martin Davies)

A rash of underwater attacks on recreational scuba divers Thursday is being attributed to the legendary chupagroupa, or ‘grouper sucker.’

“This manky gray thing buzzed by my head, teeth flashing,” said one victim. “One minute I’m taking pictures of a fairy basslet, the next, whoosh, my hand’s bleeding and my camera’s gone.”

“It looked like an eel, but with a crocodile head,” said another victim. “And whirly red eyes. And chunks falling off it. It wasn’t natural.”

Tiperon Island marine park officials are skeptical.

“We know something unusual’s out there, but a zombie barracuda? Seriously?” Marine Parks spokesperson Val Schrader said. “We’ve been finding dead, blood-drained grouper on the reef, sure, but a rogue octopus or a boating accident are far more realistic culprits.”

“This was no rogue octopus,” government watchdog Wade Soote said. “This was worst case scenario. The Marine Parks folks just don’t want to spook the tourists.

“We’ve had our eye on this situation. Our worry’s been whether chupagroupa’s attacks would shift to humans as the grouper population thinned. What happened yesterday confirmed our worst fears. Now he’s got a taste for human blood.”

Scientists at Tiperon University-Blacktip say the creature is most likely a barracuda hobbled by sickness or age, able to gnaw at grouper but not kill them.

“In a weakened state, such a fish might see recreational scuba divers as viable prey,” said TU-B marine biology professor Ernesto Mojarra. “As for the rotting flesh people are reporting, well, it could just be an old fish. Or the divers were so deep they had nitrogen narcosis. Or were diving drunk.”

Island old timers swear otherwise.

“It’s old chupa. Guarantee you that,” Dermott Bottoms said. “He’s hungry, and pissed off all those divers are on his reef scaring the grouper. If that chupa’s pissed at you, he’ll get you.”

“Hooked chupa, fishing a while back,” James Conlee said. “Hauled him in, chopped him up, chucked the bits over the reef. Fish wouldn’t eat him. Next day, he’s whole and eyeballing my skiff. Now he’s found fresher meat, thank God.”

Blacktip Island’s business owners worry about the negative impact the incidents have had on the island’s dive industry.

“This damned chupa-whatsit nonsense’s gutting us,” Eagle Ray Cove resort owner Rich Skerritt said. “No one’ll get on our dive boats. They’re all howling for their money back.”

“No way we’re getting in the water with who-knows-what out there,” said one Sandy Bottoms Beach Resort guest. “We’re not even letting the kids near the pool.”

The bitten scuba divers voiced larger concerns.

“That thing drew blood,” one victim said. “I mean, I read the news. I know how this stuff works. Next step, I’m an underwater zombie, too.”

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October 24, 2014 · 7:03 am

Blacktip Island Elects Hermit Crab Mayor

Neville the hermit crab is Blacktip Island’s new mayor. Neville’s know-nothing, do-nothing policies appealed to local environmentalists as well as to the island’s crustaceans.

An overwhelming majority of Blacktip Island voters Thursday elected popular hermit crab, Neville, as mayor. Neville received 83 percent of the Caribbean island’s popular vote to incumbent Jack Cobia’s 16 percent.

“The margin of victory is especially impressive considering there’s only 112 people on the island,” Supervisor of Elections Suzie Souccup said. “And most of them were too drunk to vote.”

“We got tired of politicians promising the moon and sun, then reneging when they take office,” Blacktip resident Nelson Seagroves said. “Now we’ve elected a mayor who won’t lie, cheat or steal.

“Neville’s the ultimate insider the island needs. He’s lived on Blacktip Island all his life, and his family’s been here generations. He knows the community and its issues inside and out.”

“The best thing is he works for peanuts,” Club Scuba Doo general manager Polly Parrett said. “Well, cracked-open coconuts, anyway. And he won’t take a bribe. He’s not physically capable.”

Neville’s opponents are outraged.

“This is a travesty and a mockery of the democratic process,” outgoing mayor Jack Cobia said. “We’re talking about a damn crab who has no policies and can’t even talk. ‘Crab of the people’ my hind foot. It’s a vast crustacean conspiracy, pure and simple.”

“After the last few mayors, someone who does nothing will be a nice change,” Neville supporter Gage Hoase said. “If he doesn’t do anything, he can’t screw up anything.”

Some business leaders worry Neville’s election will put the brakes on the island’s recent development boom.

“He’s a soldier crab. He loves the sea grapes,” Skerritt Construction’s Ferris Skerritt said. “His kind live under the dead leaves. First thing he’ll do is ban anyone cutting trees. If we can’t clear land, we can’t build houses. That kind of extremism’ll kill the island’s economy.”

Other locals worry the new administration will curtail traditional pastimes.

“He’s anti-fishing, I guarantee you that,” Dermott Bottoms said. “What soldier crab isn’t? He lost too many friends and family as snapper bait. He outlaws fishing, how we gonna feed our families? And what’ll we do while we drink beer?”

Most locals, however, are taking a wait-and-see attitude.

“It’s not a big deal,” Eagle Ray Cove bartender Mallory LaTrode said. “It’s Blacktip. People here sort things out among themselves anyway. What has me worried is our new vice-mayor is a black widow spider.”

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October 17, 2014 · 6:21 am

Fire Destroys Blacktip Island Library

A security camera still of unidentified witnesses watching the Blacktip Island library burn.

The Blacktip Island Public Library burned Thursday night in what authorities are calling suspicious circumstances. The library, housed in a shed on property next to Eagle Ray Cove scuba resort, contained one of the Caribbean’s largest collection of scuba diving manuals, some in Latin and Koine Greek dating back to the Second Century C.E.

“There was plenty of fuel, what with all that parchment and papyrus,” Island Police Constable Rafe Marquette said. “But there was nothing there to spark a flame. I would term that ‘suspicious.’

“There’s also security camera footage showing people watching the place burn. That’s suspicious as well.”

“It’s a tragedy,” librarian Edwin Chub said. “This was one of the few places folks from all walks of life could gather without having to buy a drink or stink of cigarettes. To think this was intentional really burns me up.”

“Whether an accident or vandalism, the place burned quickly,” IPC Marquette said. “It was done before Dermott could get two buckets of water on it, and the folks on video only had time for one beer.”

Local opinion differed on the fire’s cause.

“Business owners have eyed that land for years,” long-time resident Frank Maples said. “There were plans to put a clothing boutique there. I’m not pointing fingers, but there are people who benefited from this.”

Eagle Ray Cove Resort owner Rich Skerritt bristled at talk of arson.

“The bookworms can’t keep a fire extinguisher handy, it’s not my fault,” Skerritt said. “The real tragedy is some of those books hadn’t been colored in yet. One of those yahoos sitting around drinking beer probably flicked a cigarette butt in the wrong direction.”

Other locals remained unconvinced.

“The historic house that used to be on that property blew up in the middle of the night a few months back,” resident Reg Gurnard said. “The fire department said it was a gas leak, but there’s no natural gas on the island. Plus, Dermott pretty much is the fire department, and he’s half sauced most nights, so there’s no telling what happened, then or now.”

“We, as a community, will come together to make this better,” Eagle Ray Cove’s Skerritt said. “We can’t replace those old books, but we can give Chub and his library a fair price for the property, get him some nice, new books and set him up in a newish shed across the island.”

“We encourage anyone with information about the fire to contact us,” IPC Marquette said. “The security footage is so grainy, we’re having a hard time identifying bystanders. I’d like to say we’ll catch the arsonist, but I wouldn’t make book on it.”

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October 10, 2014 · 7:43 am

Blacktip Island Conch Racers Face Stiff Competition

Racing conchs battle for position in Thursday’s qualification round.

Blacktip Island’s fastest conchs will go head-to-head Friday in the Caribbean island’s 13^th Annual Conch Races at Diddley’s Landing public pier.

“It’s an island tradition started generations ago by young men trying to get young women down to the beach at night,” island historian Smithson Altschul said. “Next thing you know, someone cooked up an actual race to give the story a veneer of truth. Things took off from there.”

As ever, the races will feature a four-heat, single-elimination format, with the winner of each heat advancing to the championship race.

“This isn’t your father’s conch racing,” conch aficionado Wendy Beaufort said. “Large or small, these conchs are specially groomed for speed. And the competition’s gotten really cutthroat.

“Two years ago someone nicked a conch’s foot with a dive knife pre-race. The poor thing could only limp in a circle. Then last year’s winner tested positive for Viagra.”

The conchs will race on the island’s sand conch course 20 yards offshore from the pier.

“Underwater space for kneeling’ll be available for folks who want to watch first-hand,” race organizer B.C. Flote said. “Most watch via webcam in topside bars, though. They can have a beer there and not worry about their air supply. As hard as these conchs go, they still move at a snail’s pace. A race can take an hour or more.

“This year we’ve also glued GPS trackers on the shells so fans can follow along on their smart phones or tablets. We color code each conch to keep them straight. We thought about naming them, but that seemed silly. Only land crabbers name their racers.”

The event will climax in a cook off featuring conch fritters, chowder, ceviche and burgers.

“Visitors are horrified that we eat the winner,” B.C. Flote said. “But we don’t play favorites. We eat all these suckers. What else would you do them?

“The winner does get its shell spray painted gold and set in the racing club’s trophy case, though. What more could a conch ask for?”

“This is always an exciting time on the island,” resident Alison Diesel said. “Nothing beats a good conch race.”

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September 26, 2014 · 7:07 am

Blacktip Island Shipwreck May Be Legendary Pirate Galleon

The wreck discovered by lost scuba tourists off Blacktip Island could be the Caribbean’s legendary Santo Mojito pirate ship.

Tiperon Islands authorities announced Thursday the discovery of a previously-unknown shipwreck off Blacktip Island’s west coast. The wreck, possibly dating to the early 18^th Century, was discovered by scuba diving tourists.

“Couple of knuckleheads got lost and stumbled across it,” Eagle Ray Divers operations manager Ger Latner said. “They came up on the wrong boat, hell-and-gone from where they started, with no idea where they were or where they’d been. Took us three days of swimming grid patterns to find the damn thing.”

“It’s too early to tell for sure what we’re dealing with,” said government spokesperson Doc Plank, “but it’s definitely a galleon-type vessel, and there’s not many of those unaccounted for in this part of the Caribbean.”

Local maritime experts speculate the ship is the legendary Santo Mojito, which terrorized the Spanish Main under three famous pirate captains. The ship was lost in the Great Hurricane of 1723.

“Redbeard absconded with the ship, crew and all, from the docks in Cartagena in, oh, 1712,” island historian Smithson Altschul said. “Blackbeard commandeered it from him in 1718, then lost it to Fauxbeard in what the records famously call ‘a gamme of pokker’ in 1721.

“Historians are in consensus that Fauxbeard was the nom de guerre of pirate Mary Read after she faked her death in Jamaica the year before,” Altshul said.

“The Santo Mojto was refitted as a casino cruise ship, the first of its kind in the Caribbean,” Altschul said. “She left Panama in mid-September. A week later the hurricane whacked the central Caribbean. The Santo Mojito was never heard from again.”

“If this is the S-M, it’s a priceless piece of Caribbean history,” Blacktip Island Historic Association chair Wade Soote said. “So’s all the gold she carried. Especially the gold.”

The government is flying in experts from the United State and Europe to confirm their findings. In the meantime, authorities are focused on preserving the wreck and its contents.

“We’ve cordoned off the area with fishing skiffs until we can positively identify the wreck and inventory its contents,” Island Police Constable Rafe Marquette said.

“Yahoos’ve tried to sneak in on underwater DPVs, but their scuba bubbles gave them away,” Marquette said. “Our big concern is looters using rebreathers that leave no tell-tail bubble trail. We’ve installed nets made of 200-pound monofilament around the wreck to discourage that. Divers can’t see the monofil, but it tangles them up in a heartbeat. Then we just haul them to the surface.”

The Caribbean Salvage and Exploration Association is protesting the government’s efforts to protect the wreck, as well as the netting of several of its members.

“It’s a pirate ship filled with pirate treasure,” said CSEA commandant Jack Snapper. “Its rightful place is with pirates, not some government warehouse.”

“If this island’s authorities aren’t pirates, I don’t know who is,” Doc Plank said. “Any treasure found on this wreck will used for the public good. Mostly.”

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Tagged as blog fiction, Caribbean fiction, casino cruise, humor, pirate ship, Shipwreck, Tim W. Jackson, wreck diving

September 12, 2014 · 7:59 am

Government Chains Blacktip Island to Sea Floor

The chains holding Blacktip Island to the seabed were forged on site and installed by Public Safety Department scuba divers.

In an effort to keep Blacktip Island in place should it break free from its foundation, the Tiperon Islands Public Safety Department has installed chains to hold the Caribbean island to the seabed.

“Given the advanced stage of erosion under the island, we were concerned Blacktip might come loose and float away,” public safety spokesperson Rocky Shore said. “The last thing we want to be is a navigational hazard.”

“The bigger worry was if Blacktip drifted into someone else’s territorial waters,” added acting-mayor Jack Cobia. “I mean, a good south wind and we’d be part of Cuba in a day, day-and-a-half, tops. And I don’t speak a lick of Spanish.”

The island’s tourism professionals fully back the measure.

“This has been a huge worry among our scuba diving guests,” said Blacktip Haven resort owner Elena Havens. “They ask all the time if the island goes all the way to the bottom. Now we can take them down and show them the safeguards we have in place.”

“There’s no chance divers will surface and finding our island’s gone,” Club Scuba Doo manager Polly Parrett said. “That’s happened other places in the Caribbean, you just don’t hear about it. Tourism departments hush that sort of thing up.”

Government engineers teamed up with the island’s scientific community to design the mooring system.

“Every computer simulation we’ve run shows this is the best way to safeguard the island,” Tiperon University-Blacktip professor Ernest Mojarra said. “It’s not the easiest solution, or the cheapest, but these chains’ll hold up to a Cat Five hurricane without missing a beat.”

The chains are forged from a titanium alloy formulated to reduce corrosion and wear-related weakening. Individual links were manufactured on site due to their size and weight.

“It took every tree on the island to keep the forges hot, but that couldn’t be helped,” the government’s Shore said. “It was deforestation or public safety.

“We left plenty of slack to allow for tides and storms, so Blacktip’ll drift a bit,” Shore added, “but we’re only talking maybe a 100-meter total swing, max. Divers using landmarks on shore may have a little trouble finding dive sites, but not much.”

Environmental groups, while decrying the topside damage, are pleased with the shelter the chains will offer aquatic life.

“These big links going down, down, down from the surface will provide wonderful new habitat for species throughout the water column,” said Ginger Bass, Foundation for Ichthyologic Species Habitat president. “We couldn’t be happier about that.”

Scuba resorts are already pitching the mooring system as unique dive sites.

“It’ll be lovely once there’s some sponge and coral growth on the links,” Club Scuba Doo’s Parrett said. “Our chains will be one of the Caribbean’s premier dives in a few years.”

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August 29, 2014 · 7:00 am

Battle of the Bands Rocks Blacktip Island

Blacktip Island’s Battle of the Bands will feature the Caribbean island’s top musical acts.

Eagle Ray Cove scuba resort will celebrate the end of summer with Blacktip Island’s 9^th annual Battle of the Bands this weekend. The three-day music festival will showcase the island’s top musicians, with the winner earning a contract with Island Records.

“This year’s acts are as diverse as the island’s population,” festival organizer Jay Valve said. “From traditional island country-western to death metal, there’ll be something for everyone.”

The lineup of bands includes:

The Social Morays
TURTLE!!!
Effing Zeagles
Ivan the Embolizer
Red Über Red
Young Jacques and the Double Hose
See You Next Tuesday
Duck on a Junebug

“We built a stage out over the water,” Eagle Ray Cove manager Mickey Smarr said. “It’ll limit access to the musicians and cut down on folks rushing the stage, like spoiled the last few Battles.

“There’ll be a few drunks who try, sure, but they’ll have to swim. And we’ve been chumming the water to draw in the sharks. It’s way cheaper than hiring security.”

The festival will kick off with local favorite Young Jacques and the Double Hose performing Black Sabbath covers on steel drums.

“You haven’t heard ‘War Pigs’ until you’ve heard it banged on pans,” double-tenor pannist Cori Anders said. “We’re redefining ‘heavy metal’ for a new generation.”

Other bands have taken similarly creative approaches.

“We do lounge-punk,” Effing Zeagle guitarist Casey Piper said. “Think Green Day does Sinatra – ‘I’ve got you under my skin,’ if you take my meaning. And I think you do.”

A newcomer to this year’s competition, Red Über Red will play German techno on dog whistles.

“You can’t really hear anything, but, man damn, does it get people dancing,” said pennywhistler Marina DeLow. “And when we play our recordings underwater for divers, it morphs into ‘Eine kleine Nachtmusik.’”

The festival will also feature traditional quadrille dancing and cloggers between musical acts.

“We’ve gone out of our way to make the festival family friendly,” Valve said. “We’re even have non-alcoholic beer for the kids.”

Proceeds from the concert go to the Blacktip Island Institute of Noetic Sciences.

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August 22, 2014 · 8:08 am

Cross-Island Canal Sparks War Between Scuba Resorts

A new canal, created to shorten ride time to the Caribbean island’s scuba diving sites, has cut Blacktip Island in two geographically and culturally.

A cross-island canal dug to facilitate access to Blacktip Island’s eastern dive sites has sparked a conflict between scuba resorts over who has priority at the island’s most popular dive sites.

“It’s always been first come, first serve out there,” Sandy Bottoms Beach Resort owner Sandy Bottoms said. “It’s not our fault we’re closer to the sites and have faster boats. Digging this canal, that’s playing dirty pool.”

“We cut the canal to help everyone,” Eagle Ray Cove resort owner Rich Skerritt said. “Sandy and the other yahoos up north are free to use it. When they’re finished sucking on their sour grapes.”

Bottoms and other resort owners from Blacktip’s north refuse to back down.

“Rich wants two islands? Fine,” Club Scuba Doo owner Nelson Pilchard said. “The dive sites north of his canal are technically in our territorial waters. The southerners think they can dive up here, they have another thing coming.”

“Some of the Caribbean’s best wreck dives are off our north coast,” Bottoms said. “Rich brings his divers up here, the island’ll have a few more wrecks to dive.”

The split echoes a deeper divide in the small Caribbean island community.

“It’s a Pond versus Bluff thing that’s been simmering for generations,” Bottoms said. “The southerners sit up there in the breeze, looking down at us like they’re something special.”

“We have better sense than to live by those stinky bird ponds,” Skerritt said. “We give our dive guests gas masks for the boat ride when the east wind’s blowing. This canal lets us bypass the stench altogether.”

An island council meeting has been scheduled to settle the issue. However, neither side can agree on where to meet.

“I’m not setting foot up there,” Skerritt said. “It smells like bird poop. I might catch something.”

“Crossing to their so-called island acknowledges its right to exist,” Bottoms said. “We go down there, we’ll probably end up as hostages.”

Island authorities are taking steps to bridge the divide.

“We have the police launch standing by so all parties can confer mid-canal,” Island Police Constable Rafe Marquette said. “If neither side’s amenable to that, we’ll have them stand on either side of the canal and yell back and forth at each other.”

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August 15, 2014 · 5:59 am

Blacktip’s Dirt Roads To Be Striped For Safety

Public Works crews have begun painting lane lines on both Blacktip Island’s unpaved roads.

Public Works crews have begun painting lane lines on both the Caribbean island’s unpaved roads.

In a controversial move that has angered many island residents, the Tiperon Islands Public Works Department has begun painting center lines on both the Caribbean island’s roads.

“This is a matter of public safety,” Public Works director Dusty Rhodes said. “We have what, maybe 24 miles of road on Blacktip? Just because they’re not paved doesn’t mean they don’t need stripes.”

Island residents disagreed.

“It’s a waste of time and money,” long-time resident Payne Hanover said. “There’s, what, a dozen cars on the island? They’ve managed to dodge each other so far without center stripes.

“And these are dirt roads. Drive over the paint a couple times, they’ll be gone. Hell, a good, heavy rain’ll wash them away. What happens to public safety then?”

Local authorities could not immediately verify the hazard posed by the island’s current, stripeless roads.

“Vehicles do cross the center of the road all the time,” Island Police Constable Rafe Marquette said. “Don’t know that causes many accidents, though. Unless they cross the road and keep going.

“Most auto accidents on Blacktip are single-vehicle affairs, with the vehicles ending up in the sea grapes or the booby ponds.”

Despite the controversy, some locals support the plan.

“Not striping these roadways resigns our island to Third-World status,” said Stoney MacAdam, owner of MacAdam Paving. “Blacktip Island’s as much a part of the 21^st Century as any place else. Do the roads have center lines in your country? Then why shouldn’t the roads here have center lines?”

“It’s Colonialism, pure and simple,” Public Works’ Rhodes said. “Expats move here and want to keep this island a backwater. Well too bad. This striping project’s already creating local jobs. Will the rain wash the stripes away? Sure. And when it does, we have the workforce in place to repaint them. No one complains about us replacing downed power lines after a hurricane do they?”

Other residents voiced concern about the impact the project will have on the island’s fragile environment.

“That paint’s highly toxic. And this is the rainy season,” said Blacktip Audubon Society president Nelson Seagroves. “That means potentially repainting the roads every day. That’s a boatload of paint killing our reefs and marine parks. Killing our birds. Contaminating our water supply.”

“A project this size, you have to expect a few loses,” Rhodes countered. “These folks are a bunch of nervous Nellies who don’t know what’s good for them. They’ll thank us soon enough.”

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Tagged as blog fiction, Caribbean fiction, dirt roads, fiction, humor, marine parks, Reef, Tim W. Jackson