Sunday, December 31, 2023
Temperature: 78
Humidity: 61%
Precipitation: Not happening
Monthly Archives: December 2023
Blacktip Island Man Arrested For Impersonating Service Dog
Blacktip Island handyman Dermott Bottoms, dressed in a homemade service dog costume, was arrested Thursday after trying to board a Tiperon Airways inter-island flight without paying. (photo courtesy of maskedbob)
Police detained a Blacktip Island man Thursday for attempting to board a Tiperon Airways flight dressed in a cartoon dog costume in order to avoid paying airfare to Tiperon, island officials said.
“Dermott Bottoms showed up in a Scooby Doo costume and a red ‘service dog’ vest, and tried to board the inter-island shuttle,” Tiperon Airways pilot Reg Gurnard said. “He was on all fours, climbing the steps to the cabin when we grabbed him. He put up a fuss, growing and barking and refusing to come down. That’s when we called the constable.”
Island police were quick to respond.
“I was at the airfield anyway, and they asked me to step in,” Island Police Constable Rafe Marquette said. “At first, my aim was to detain Dermott, for the safety of him and others—not a crime to wear a dog costume and try to sneak on a flight. But then, as I reached out to pry his arms from around the railing, he nipped my hand. That’s assaulting an officer.
“I got his front legs handcuffed, and hauled him off to the jail cell,” Marquette said. “Left him there with a bowl of water and some kibble, and I’ll let him out as soon as he’s sober and stops howling. And if he poops in that cell again, I’m whacking him across the nose with a rolled-up newspaper.”
Animal rights groups decried the arrest.
“This is straight-up animal abuse,” Blacktip Island People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals president Harry Pickett said. “No, Dermott’s not technically a canine, but he’s self-identifying as one, so we need to respect that and treat him like a dog. We’re barking mad about this, and all three BIPETA members will take turns protesting outside the jail until he’s released. No one, or animal, deserves to be treated like this.”
Tiperon Airways says the incident has forced them to rethink their service animal policy.
“This isn’t the first time something like this has happened,” Gurnard said. “Just last month Goldie Goby tried to get little Dashie Goby onboard for free dressed as Felix the Cat, claiming Dashie was a service animal. We’re putting our foot down and banning all service animals. If you need an animal to help you on and off our planes, you’ll have to take a boat from now on.”
Bottoms could not be reached for comment, though witnesses reported hearing prolonged yowling from the jail cell.
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Yes, We’re Going To A (New Year’s) Party, Party
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Blacktip Island Weather
Sunday, December 24, 2023
Temperature: 81
Humidity: 63%
Precipitation: Not likely
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Blacktip Residents Brace For Duppies Of Christmas Past
Island spirits will haunt Blacktip Island Saturday night as the restless spirits, like this one photographed near Eagle Ray Cove resort last year, seek revenge on residents who have wronged others during the past year. (photo courtesy of Joe)
Blacktip Island residents this week began preparing for the arrival of the Duppies of Christmas Past this Saturday night as part of the annual visit by angry spirits seeking revenge on those who offended them in the past.
“These duppies make sure folks don’t get too fat-and-sassy during the holidays,” B.C. Flote said. “Everybody gets all holly-jolly and forgets about bad things they done the past year. The duppies, they the lost souls who was wronged, coming back to get even with whoever wronged ‘em.
“Generally, they don’t do any physical harm, they just scare the bejeebus out of you,” Flote said. “They always visit on the 23rd, right before Christmas Eve, chasing you down the road or howling outside your window to get even, remind folks Christmas isn’t all silver balls and candy canes.”
Island residents take the visits seriously.
“B.C.’s wrong, saying the duppies can’t hurt you,” Fanny Basslet said. “These aren’t just ghosts. They got real, physical substance. One smacked Leen Helm upside the head last year, just because. Big, ol’ shadow, like the three-legged dog, setting right outside the Ballyhoo bar, waiting on him to come out, and BAM.
“Lee had it coming, tough,” Basslet said. “He’s had God-awful luck since then, too, so there’s lasting damage the Christmas duppies can do. Dogs’re usually the first to notice ‘em. Dogs start howling out of the blue, you know a duppy’s nearby, and you best throw sticks behind you and run for cover.”
Others disagreed.
“Them dogs howling is the duppies,” Whitey Bottoms said. “Can’t come in your house, ‘specially if you sprinkle rice around it, but they can keep you up all night with their carrying on.”
Some residents choose to appease the spirits.
“Duppies, they do like rum,” Christina Goby said. “Me, I leave a big glass of Flor de Cana on the front and back stoops, and sleep peaceful all night. Then, in the morning, the rum’s all gone. All us old timers do that. It’s like leaving cookies out for Santa, but different.
“Newcomers laugh and call it superstitious, but if the duppies aren’t drinking the rum, who is?” Goby said. “And how come it’s quiet all night after I set out the rum? And nothing bad happens to me for the next year. Just show the duppies some respect, and they’ll be on your side. Criticize all you want, but it’s a system that works.”
In related news, island authorities say they’re preparing for the annual spike in public intoxication arrests the morning of the 24th.
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Blacktip Island Weather
Sunday, December 17, 2023
Temperature: 83
Humidity: 64%
Precipitation: Could be
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Rioting Abominable Snowmen Spoil Blacktip Island’s Christmas Play
Eight Blacktip Island residents dressed in home-made abominable snowman costumes were arrested Wednesday night after they destroyed the Blacktip Island Community Players’ audience participation version of ‘Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer.’ (photo courtesy of solarsurfer)
A group of island residents dressed as abominable snowmen ruined Blacktip Island’s Christmas play, a Rudolph Act-Along audience-participation production, Wednesday evening when they stormed the stage at the small Caribbean island’s Heritage House, attempting to join the performance en masse.
“We wanted to involve the entire community, so we sent flyers out telling folks to come as their favorite ‘Rudolph’ character and join in,” Blacktip Island Community Players director Doris Blenny said. “The problem was, everyone came dressed as the Abominable. They all charged the stage at once, each one claiming to be the real Abominable.
“Before we knew it, yelling became fisticuffs and a brawl ensued,” Blenny said. “There were Bumbles punching, kicking, biting each other. It spilled off the stage and into the crowd. They were beating each other with folding chairs at one point, and pulling out each other’s teeth. A couple of people dressed as elves arrived late, but the violence scared them away.”
Island authorities apprehended all eight brawlers.
“Riot at the Christmas play. That’s Blacktip, alright,” island police constable Rafe Marquette said. “I took away their costumes and locked ‘em all up. After Marissa at the clinic treated their wounds. Every one of them was drunk as a skunk. They’re all in the same holding cell now, in their underwear, singing ‘Holly Jolly Christmas’ about as off-key as you can get.”
Participants defended their actions.
“They said to come as your favorite Rudolph character, and that’s what I did,” Gage Hoase said. “Then James Conlee got up on stage and said he was the Bumble. I was just holding my ground. The others were the aggressors. And Dermott Bottoms didn’t even have a costume—he just came as himself.”
Others disagreed.
“Gage got no right standin’ up there sayin’ he’s the only ‘Bominable,” Dermott Bottoms said. “Don’t even know the character. The ‘Bominable’s the real hero of that story, y’know. Gage was just gonna ruin things, turn the role into a cartoon. Couldn’t let that happen. Not in the spirit of Christmas.”
Blenny said the BICC would perform a hastily-rehearsed alternative holiday play on Christmas Eve.
“Thankfully, we have an astounding amount of acting talent on the island,” she said. “We were able to cobble together a script, and will be rehearsing daily until our revised performance date. We’re doing our rendition of Dostoyevsky’s ‘The Christmas Tree and the Wedding,’ with Jessie Catahoula as Julian Mastakovich, and Lee Helm as the little girl.”
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Blacktip Island Weather
Sunday, December 10, 2023
Temperature: 84
Humidity: 68%
Precipitation: Nooope
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Blacktip Island Researchers Gene-Splice People And Fish
Blacktip Island scientists are experimenting with splicing genes from local slippery dick wrasses into island residents to make swimmers and divers more graceful in the water. (photo courtesy of Brian Gratwicke)
A group of Blacktip Island biology researchers this week announced they have had moderate success splicing reef fish genes with several island residents in an effort to make locals more at home in the water.
“Everyone loves swimming, and scuba diving, but we’re a terrestrial species, so we’re always going to be awkward in the water,” Tiperon University-Blacktip marine biology professor Ernesto Mojarra said. “After our success with external artificial gills last year, we decided to take the next logical step and try our hand at making swimmers and divers more graceful underwater.
“The trick was finding the right species of fish to use in our research,” Mojarra said. “Sharks have a fairly simple makeup, but were a little too basic, and aggressive, for our interests. Nassau groupers have great, human-like personalities but can be too headstrong. In the end we settled on the slippery dick wrasse, Halichoeres bivittatus, due to its grace and docile temperament.”
Many locals praised the idea.
“Potentially, with just minor surgery, this could transform anyone into a real-life mermaid,” Christina Goby said. “You could walk around on land like normal, then glide like a fish through the water. If they can pull this off, it could be life changing for so many of us.”
Others focused on the profitability of the research.
“Forget all the egghead breakthrough-science stuff,” Eagle Ray Cove resort owner Rich Skerritt said. “We’re already outlining new swim-like-a-fish classes and distinctive specialty scuba courses. Folks don’t just jump and swim like fish on their own. They’ll be lining up to try this new sensation, and were already working with Ernesto’s team to organize marketing and branding for them and ERC.”
Others worried about the experiment having unexpected consequences.
“There’s always a Frankenstein’s monster element in these kinds of things,” Chip Pompano said. “So far, the results’ve been innocuous, but fairly underwhelming. The gene splice just made Booger Bottoms smell like a carp. And made Lee Helm even more bug eyed. On the plus side, though, the fish genes did give Alison Diesel a bit more whish in the tail when she walks.”
Some found the procedure confusing.
“I got all excited when I saw what species of fish they were using,” Jack Wrasse said. “Thought they were going for a totally different result. Then reality hit. Don’t know why someone would go through that just to swim better.”
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The Blacktip Times 