Sunday, October 30, 2022
Precipitation: Not today, Satan
Sunday, October 30, 2022
Precipitation: Not today, Satan
The Blacktip Island Community Players this week announced they will take their audiences back to Second Millennium BCE Sumer with their 2022 fall production, an underwater operetta based on the ancient Sumerian creation myth the ‘Epic of Gilgamesh.’
“We try to stretch ourselves with our fall plays,” BICC creative director Doris Blenny said. “Last year’s underwater ‘Pirates of Penzance,’ with actors in full-face masks and live-streamed to all the bars, was a rousing success, so we decided to do the same thing with ‘Gilgamesh.’ We had to create our own scores and librettos, of course, but that just enhanced the growth opportunity.
“It’s the oldest recorded story in the world, and it has so much in common, in terms of theme and sensibility, with life on Blacktip today’,” Blenny said. “We had input from The Blacktip Island Literary Society as well as local cryptoarcheologists. Coral heads will serve as the city of Uruk, and sea plumes will be Inanna’s huluppu tree. The effect will be otherworldly.”
Actors were excited about the new material.
“Gilgamesh’s really the world’s first buddy film,” Alison Diesel said. “Him and wild-man Enkidu basically travel the world, taking names and kicking ass. They save the goddess’ tree, whack Humbaba the giant, then smite the Bull of Heaven.
“With Inanna being the goddess of love and war, well, it’s something everybody can relate to,” Diesel said. “And to make it even more relevant for today’s viewers, with the city of Uruk being in the mix, we added some Middle Earth uruk-orcs, too.”
Others emphasized the music and casting.
“Payne Hanover and Elena Havens worked night and day to come up with the music and lyrics,” assistant director Helen Maples said. “It may sound reminiscent of their ‘Nudibranchs—The Musical’ score, but time was tight, and the songs take on an added resonance underwater.
“Casting-wise, Dermott Bottoms was the obvious choice for Enkidu the wild man,” Maples said. “And frankly, during rehearsals, we all get a kick out of him going berserk and beating the stuffing out of Lee Helm, playing the Bull of Heaven.”
Other cast members include:
BICC leaders say audience participation will be encouraged throughout the performance.
“This will be an immersive, collaborative experience for everyone,” Blenny said. “We’ll especially need extra orc soldiers of Uruk when they charge out to confront Humbaba.”
Performances will be Saturday and Sunday afternoons in November. Proceeds from the show will go to the Blacktip Island Cryptoarcheology Society.
All audience members will be required to pass a Breathalyser test prior to entering the water following last year’s unfortunate ‘Tora! Tora! Tora!’ incident during the BICC’s Hannukah play.
Sunday, October 23, 2022
Blacktip Island residents this Sunday will pay homage to the small Caribbean island’s pernicious sandspurs—spine-covered burs causing pain for barefoot beachgoers—by ripping up as many of the plants as possible at the 3rd annual ‘Eff Them Effers’ festival, event organizers said.
“Sandspurs are part of the ecosystem, blah blah blah, but tell me that after you step on a clump of them,” botanist Archie Pelago said. “Hurts like king hell. They go by all sorts of names, but most Blacktippers call them . . . well . . . it rhymes with ‘put truckers.’
“Anytime you’re up at the top of the beach, you’re in the sandspur zone,” Pelago said. “The fest is payback, and we rip up as many as possible. And there’s prizes for the most creative way to destroy them, their roots and their seeds. We can’t beat ‘em, but we can give it our best effort.”
Judges said the event will take place at multiple venues.
“We’re focusing on the high-traffic areas where the footfuckers are most trouble,” Leigh Shore said. “Most of the sites are along the west coast, where the resorts and most of the houses are. We’re asking participants to choose one of the five zones we’ve marked out and rip up as many plants as possible. Then, at the end of the day, we’ll get together for beer and whatnot at the award ceremony that evening.
“Folks get points deducted if they fail to rip out the roots,” Shore said. “The big payoff, points-wise, is how creatively they dispose of the plants. The standard technique’s to chuck them into the sea, but if people want to burn them or grind them up, or what have you, they’ll be scored according to originality and effectiveness.”
Participants were eager for the destruction to begin.
“Nothing more satisfying than ripping up those damn things, and I mean nothing,” Alison Diesel said. “I won second place last year with my footfucker cannon that shot bundles of ‘em 100 feet out into sea. This year I’m aiming for first place with my footfucker soup—gonna turn pain into something delicious. Got a spicy bite to it folks’ll love.”
Not everyone was happy with the festival.
“Like them or not, these plants are an integral part of the island’s ecosystem,” conservationist Harry Pickett said. “Tearing them up willy-nilly will have unknown consequences going forward. Birds eat the seeds. Small animals build their homes in them. If people don’t want stickers in their feet, they should watch where they’re walking. Or wear shoes.”
The winner of the contest will receive the coveted Golden Flip-Flop award, a pair of gold-painted tweezers and a tube of antibiotic cream. Second- and third-place winners will receive t-shirts.
All participants and supporters are welcome at the post-festival beer bonfire. Protestors will be flung deep into sandspur grass.
Sunday, October 16, 2022
Precipitation: Take a raincoat
Hostilities between Blacktip Island’s two competing breweries came to a head this week with the completion of Bonefish Brew’s ‘Brewstream’ pipeline, which will deliver draft beer directly to the small Caribbean island’s bars, company a spokesperson said.
“Those pirates over at Assmonkey Ale kept whacking our delivery van, then delivering their nasty-ass beer in its place,” Bonefish Brew president Adolph Süds said. “We tried everything to shut that down, with no success. Then we got the idea of a pipeline pumping beer directly to bars without the need for a van.
“Took us a while, since we had to bury it to head off Assmonkey saboteurs, but it’s in place now and going like gangbusters,” Süds said. “The hidden plus is the beer tastes fresher since it’s been aerated nicely and chilled with our insulated pipes. Customers love it.”
The rival brewer condemned the pipeline.
“They’re taking our livelihood, snatching food from our kids’ mouths,” Assmonkey Ale CEO Adolphus Mandrill said. “They can’t keep their van running, that’s not our fault, but it does speak to the quality control over there. And there’s no proof our people chucked those nails on the road. That’s straight-up defamation.
“Building a pipeline deprives folks to opportunity to enjoy our higher-quality products,” Mandrill said. “Plus, the lines going to Sandy Bottoms and the Sand Spit run awfully close to the booby pond. They already had one leak there. Sure, it improved the pond’s smell, but what happens when . . . pond water . . . gets carbureted into the flow? They’re gonna kill us all to make a buck.”
Island authorities urged caution from both sides.
“This beer battle’s been a pain in everybody’s butts,” Island Police Constable Rafe Marquette said. “Those roofing nails took out the tires on more vehicles than just a delivery van. Happens again, people’re going to jail. Once my tires get replaced.
“Bigger problem with the feud is bars run out of beer,” Marquette said. “That’s a major public safety emergency on this island. No beer in the bars, folks’ll riot. They tore up Eagle Ray Cove’s tiki bar just last week. I don’t care who wins, this crap just needs to stop. If a pipeline does that, I’m all for it and can finally get some sleep.”
Island residents were pleased with the news.
“I don’t know, or care, who flung the nails,” island de facto mayor Jack Cobia said. “For all I know, it was a Bonefish Brew false flag to make Assmonkey look bad. My office fully supports anything that puts an end to the nastiness. If Assmonkey has to die, well, it’s for the greater good.”
Cobia would neither confirm nor deny reports he has significant investments in Bonefish Brew.
Sunday, October 9, 2022
Precipitation: Not anytime soon