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Cancelled Olympics Sideline Blacktip Island’s Beer Pong Team

beer pong

Members of Blacktip Island’s Olympic beer pong team practice Tuesday night prior to learning they would not compete this summer due to the Tokyo Olympics being cancelled. (photo courtesy of Peachy Bottoms)

The Blacktip Island Olympic beer pong team’s hopes of glory were crushed Wednesday by the International Olympic Committee’s decision to cancel the 2020 Summer Olympics due to the COVID-19 pandemic, a team spokesperson said.

“We’re gutted right now and, frankly, in a bit of denial,” coach Peachy Bottoms said. “We’ve been training so hard. We were favored to win team and individual medals. Now all that hard work’s been for nothing.

“We understand the global health need, but it still hurts,” Bottoms said. “The Olympic Committee made the decision, and we’re abiding by it. The only question now is when, or if, the games’ll be rescheduled.”

Team members expressed their own frustrations

“We worked our tails off, mostly in the evenings,” Antonio Fletcher said. “Gave up dominoes to train for this. Had uniforms and everything. Now the bigwigs just smacked all of us right in the mouth.

“Gonna keep training, I reckon, and hope for the best,” Fletcher said. “The worry isn’t if we’ll lose our skills. Those’re drilled in. Some of us’ll lose our focus, our mental edge, though. Might never bounce back.”

Others were more outspoken.

“Mentally, most team members are hanging on by a thread as it is,” team member Alison Diesel said. “We can’t just lie down and take this. We’re protesting like hell. Of course, we can’t leave the island, so not many people’ve noticed.

“We got a picket line in front of the Sand Spit bar, where we train, so the committee can see how hacked off we are,” Diesel said. “It’s streaming online, but we’ve only had seven viewers so far. That’s doubly depressing. But we’re not giving up hope.”

Some in the community see the cancellation as politically motivated.

“This was our big chance to put Blacktip Island, and the Tiperons, on the map,” Reg Gurnard said. “Our team’s damned good. The Olympic Committee knows it, too, and is scared of us. This isn’t about health, it’s about protecting the big guys and denying the Tiperons their first-ever medal.”

Others hoped for a compromise with the committee.

“If we know the risk and are still willing to take it, that should be enough to open the games,” team member Leah Shore said. “It’ll all be on us. Give us our shot and we’ll stay there in quarantine as long as necessary.

“We don’t want a two-week stay in Tokyo at someone else’s expense,” Shore said. “But for team and country, that’s a sacrifice we’re willing to make.”

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Iguana Pox Has Blacktip Islanders Hoarding Beer, Chips

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Blacktip Island’s Sand Spit bar is locking its small supply of beer in secure coolers during the island’s pox-induced beer shortage. (photo courtesy of Cori Anders)

Panic during an island-wide outbreak of Blacktip Iguana Pox has caused residents to buy all the beer and chips on the small Caribbean island, creating severe shortages at the island’s store and bars.

“The outbreak started when Dermott Bottoms and James Connolly, drunk as coots, got scratched up real bad wrestling an iguana one night,” island nurse Marissa Graysby said. “They didn’t treat the lacerations, got infected and the next thing you know we’ve got a major pox event. We get individual-level cases all the time, but never this bad and with so many people.

“The clinic’s out of anti-pox, and there’s a shortage on Tiperon, so we’re under island-wide quarantine for the duration,” Graysby said. “People panicked and decided to stock up on beer and snacks, of all things. It doesn’t make sense, but these things rarely do.”

Island residents say the hoarding is justified.

“Hell with toilet paper. I can use any old thing for that. And do,” long-time local Harry Wrasse said. “But there’s no substitute for beer. Or Cheetos. Jack Cobia told me to drink water instead, but that stuff’ll kill you. Same goes for white rum.

“Do I got beer stashed away? You bet I do. Can’t tell me not to buy beer,” Wrasse said. “No law against buying extra. No telling how long this quarantine’ll last. Anybody tries to take my beer, they’re gonna get hurt.”

The island suppliers are working nonstop to restock.

“Our beer and snack shelves are bare,” store owner Peachy Bottoms said. “That never happens, even in winter when rough seas keep the supply barge from landing. We’re asking folks to buy just what they need, but no one’s complying. They’re scared. You can see it in their eyes.

“We set up an air bridge to fly more beer and potato crisps in as fast as we could, but yahoos keep rushing the planes, walloping the flight crew and snatching stuff from the cargo bays before we can get it to the store,” Bottoms said. “We’ve plenty of other supplies. There’s piles of bog roll, and no one’s touching the gluten-free bread or veggie burgers.”

Island leaders urged calm.

“We’re not asking people not to buy beer. We’re asking them to be reasonable,” island mayor Jack Cobia said. “It’s Blacktip, though, so ‘reasonable’ may be a bridge too far. There’s been talk of declaring a state of emergency, but it’s hard to call lack of beer an emergency, even on Blacktip. If the violence gets out of hand, though, we may have to.”

Authorities have been nearly overwhelmed maintaining order.

“With beer in short supply, prices are skyrocketing,” Island Police Constable Rafe Marquette said. “Single beers are going for $20, $25. Warm. There’s a raging black market, but I can’t arrest anyone without evidence, and the buyers aren’t about to turn in their suppliers.

“The bigger issue is public safety. I’m the only constable and I’m spread thin,” Marquette said. “I broke up three brawls just this morning, and we’re only on Day Two of the quarantine. I deputized two Special Constables, but they’re off trying to buy beer. If the pilots and baggage handlers throw in the towel, we’re looking at total anarchy.”

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Blacktip Island’s Caves Become ‘CaveBNB’ Vacation Lodgings

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Blacktip Island property owners have begun renting furnished cave lodging to visiting tourists. (photo courtesy of Rusty Goby)

Inspired by the popularity of vacation rental services VRBO and AirBNB, some Blacktip Island residents are now renting furnished island caves to vacationers seeking unusual lodging on the small Caribbean island.

“The private rental market’s overloaded,” cave owner Sally Port said. “Some of us figured we’d take advantage of an overlooked aspect of the housing some of our forefathers used. We’re offering ‘unique’ and ‘offbeat.’ Not everybody can say they spent their holiday in a real cave.

“Me, I cleaned up the cave behind the house, tricked it out with a generator and comfy beds and couches and whatnot and marketed it to tourists,” Port said. “It’s cozy and watertight and has all the modern amenities you’d find in a standard home. Mostly. We’re calling it CaveBNB.”

Some owners noted the caves’ lack of uniformity.

“‘Modern amenities’ is a bit strong for some of the listings,” Rusty Goby said. “Some have electric lights and fridges, sure, but some are candlelight and bring-your-sleeping-bag, bog-standard grottoes. With roaches and snakes and whatnot. That’s what some of the more adventurous guests are looking for, though.

“Wind can be an issue in some of the low-end caves, but the nicer ones have house facades and doors built on to their fronts,” Goby said. The great thing about all the rental caves is it’s always right around 75 degrees inside, so they’re cool in the summer and warm in the winter.”

Guests were generally upbeat about the lodgings.

“It’s like glamping, but more upscale,” scuba diving guest Bill Fisch said. “My wife calls it ‘clamping,’ and we couldn’t be happier. It puts us back in touch with our prehistoric ancestors. Cooking over an open fire’s kind of fun, too. I haven’t done that since I was little.

“The kiddos just love playing caveman,” Fisch said. “When they got rowdy last night, we gave them Crayons and had them draw sea creatures on the walls. It looks like an aquatic Lascaux in there now. There’s bats, too, and the owner doesn’t even charge extra. You just have to cover your drink at dusk when they fly out.

Island officials are still evaluating the new lodgings.

“We’ve some issues we’re looking into, but if rental caves get more overnight visitors to the island, we’re all for them,” chamber of commerce president Ledford Waite said. “Now, there’s the issue of electrical wiring needing to be up to code. Rusty’s cave has a big-ass, ten-gauge extension cord running from the power pole into his cave, and we had to nip that in the bud.

“Sanitation’s an issue, too,” Waite said. “Lodgings should have chem toilets, at a minimum, but some owners are old school and just have a hole in the floor that empties into the water table. Waste gets washed away to God-knows-where. It’s cheap and effective, but it’s not right.”

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Local Author Recasts ‘Beowulf’ as a Modern Caribbean Epic

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Blacktip Island’s rugged shores are the setting for Antonio Fletcher’s modernized rendition of the epic poem Beowulf. (photo by Paloma Fairlead / BTT staff)

Local author Antonio Fletcher this week released his modern Caribbean retelling of the Old English epic poem Beowulf in an effort to popularize a literary classic by recasting it in a modern setting to make it more culturally relevant.

“Most folks know the Beowulf story, or the first part of it, but who’s really read it? Or seen the movie? Not me,” Fletcher said. “Bringing it up to date, making it matter here and now, that’ll make Blacktip Islanders proud, you know. Taking some stale old story and claiming it for our own. Like what Derek Walcott did with The Odyssey. I expect this’ll do at least as well.

“An Old English poem and the modern Caribbean don’t seem likely to work together, but that’s where it gets its energy,” Fletcher said. “I switched out those cock-eyed, four-beat staves with a soca rhythm to give a Caribbean feel, and instead of ‘wine-dark seas’ and ‘whale roads,’ I got ‘rum-dark seas’ and ‘wahoo roads, so it’s pretty different. Calling it Barra-Wulf,” ‘cause the hero’s like a barracuda.”

Fletcher said his inspiration came at a bar late one night.

“Sitting in the Ballyhoo a few months back, and ol’ Dermott had had him too much white rum and started tearing the place apart, laying out anyone who got within reach,” he said. “I thought, ‘Dermott looks like a big, shaggy animal busting up a good party, and that put me in mind of Beowulf.

Barra-Wulf starts with the Blacktip Island mersquatch busting up a resort bar on a big karaoke night,” Fletcher said. “Barra-Wulf, he motors up in his in his flat-end canoe, hears about a monster ruining island parties and decides to do something about it. He whacks the mersquatch, then the mama mersquatch, just like in the poem. At the end, he dies fighting a giant barracuda. Kills it, but he dies, too. It’s something everyone can relate to.”

Local literary critics applauded Fletcher’s efforts.

“Cross-cultural literary appropriation is a long-standing literary tradition, so Antonio is in fine company. I expect,” Blacktip Times book reviewer and part-time literature professor Paloma Fairlead said. “Beowulf is about a hero who travels great distances to test his strength against supernatural monsters, despite impossible odds. That take on the human condition is universal, even on Blacktip, and shows we’re not so different from people a thousand years ago on the other side of the world.

“I haven’t actually read ‘Tonio’s book yet, but it sounds like he swung for the fences,” Fairlead said. “Tackling a classic like that is refreshingly ambitious on an island where ‘literature’ is too often the label of a beer bottle. It’s ‘Tonio, so the language and phrasing are probably a bit rough, but it will no doubt resonate with readers.”

Some residents, though, were not so positive.
“Haven’t read ‘Tonio’s book either, but no way anyone could make that old thing more boring, so ‘Tonio’s on solid ground there,” James Conlee said. “Thing is, this’s the 21st Century. People have smart TVs and email and Ebay and all that. Nobody’s got time for some 300-page poem. Unless there’s sex scenes in it. And there’s not, as far as I could tell.

“Man fights a monster, then goes fishing, then dies. Nothing new about that,” Conlee said. “My signed copy makes a great coaster, though. And a doorstop, in a pinch.”

Fletcher remained unphased by the criticism.

“People on this little rock need heroes, and I’m giving them one, one that could be any one of them in the right circumstances,” he said. “Except one person, but I’m not saying who that is.”

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Blacktip Island Resort Uses Conveyor Belts To Load Divers

conveyor belt for divers

One Blacktip Island scuba company has begun hauling divers aboard with commercial conveyor belts to cut down on boarding ladder injuries in rough seas. (photo courtesy of Leah Shore)

A Blacktip Island scuba resort stirred controversy Wednesday when it announced plans to use conveyor belts commonly used in the fishing industry to haul divers back onto its dive boats.

“This’s a safety issue. I don’t know why folks are getting all up in arms,” Eagle Ray Divers operations manager Ger Latner said. “It’s winter. The seas are rough. A lot of our divers don’t understand how dangerous the boarding ladders can be. When there’s six-foot swells rolling through, and divers’re lollygagging on the ladders getting their fins off, that dog’ll bite you.

“This isn’t some ride at Disney. People can get hurt,” Latner said. “They’re on the ladder for four, five waves, getting the living snot beat out of them. We’re tired of bandaging them up. And cleaning up the decks.”

The resort’s solution was to install marine conveyor belts to lift divers onboard.

“It’s a variation on the belts commercial fishing boats use to land their catch,” Eagle Ray Cove owner Rich Skerritt said. “We call it the ‘Magic Carpet’ that sweeps divers back aboard. Guests swim up, grab ahold, and the belt feeds them up to the midships gunwale where our staff can sort them out.

“Some of our guests are big people, too, with lots of weight in their BCs,” Skerritt said. “This makes things way easier on our staff. It’s good for divers, good for our divemasters and keeps out ladders from getting damaged. There’s really no downside.”

Many dive guests are not pleased with the new system.

“It’s not dignified, being dragged up a ramp like that, arse over appetite, and plopped on the deck like a hooked cod,” Carrie Coney said. “They’re treating paying guests like netted fish. And likening us to beached whales.”

Others praised the new belts.

“For me, it added another bit of fun to the dive,” Rosie Blenny said. “I got to look at fish, then had a nice ride afterwards. If people are worried about looking like beached whales, well, that’s not the Magic Carpet’s fault.”

Eagle Ray Divers staff stressed the belts’ efficiency.

“It’s not about the guests liking it or not. It’s about getting them back onboard without bloodshed,” divemaster Marina DeLow said. “They bearhug the ladder 20, 30 seconds in rough seas, it gets messy. We tell them to think of it as the moving carpet on the bunny slope at a ski resort.”

Other resorts are watching the belt-loaded divers closely.

“If it works out and cuts down injuries, we may try the same thing ourselves,” Club Scuba Doo owner Ham Pilchard said. “We’re looking at installing a forward-facing belt that’ll scoop surfaced divers up as the boat idles past without them having to do anything but just float there.”

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Old-School Blacktip Island Divers Create Living History Museum

old dive gear museum

Vintage dive gear owners on Blacktip Island have joined forces to create the region’s first living history museum focused on scuba diving equipment and techniques from diving’s early days. (BTT staff photo / Clete Horn)

A group of old-school Blacktip Island scuba divers this week combined their antiquated dive equipment to create a living history museum celebrating the small Caribbean island’s rich scuba traditions, members said.

“Instead of throwing out all our old gear, we put it all in one place to show modern divers what scuba diving was like in the day,” Blacktip Island Mossback Club president Jay Valve said. “Dive ops won’t let us on the boats with this stuff, so we put it in glass cases where visitors could look at it. That was depressing though, so we decided to do demonstration dives with our gear from shore a couple times a week.

“Divers today don’t realize how easy they’ve got it, what with their floatie vests and extra regulators and fancy pressure gauges,” Valve said. “There’s still plenty of life in this old equipment. If this kit was good enough for Lloyd Bridges, it’s good enough for us.”

Club members echoed Valve’s sentiments.

“The dive industry generates a ton of money, but it’s done it by sissifying the sport,” Clete Horn said. “That’s why we do dives to show folks how scuba used to be an adventure. We stay shallow and close to shore so snorkelers and non-divers can see everything. Any guests want to have a go with the gear, we’ll suit them up and turn them loose.

“These’re divers who never breathed off a double-hose reg,” Horn said. “Or felt the thrill of a 10-inch dive machete strapped to their leg. This is how real divers dived. It’s a great experience for dive guests, and shows, really, what’s the worst that could happen?”

Some in the community don’t share club members’ enthusiasm.

“Sure, real divers dived with those museum pieces. Real stupid divers,” Blacktip Haven resort owner Elena Havens said. “Scuba equipment has evolved. Jay and his gang haven’t. This whole concept is a tribute to how wrong Darwin really was. I’m not sure how anyone survived it. Then or now.”

“What in the world does anyone need a knife like that for, fighting sharks?” Havens said. “All it’ll take is one yahoo getting stabbed, or drowning while using this junk, to do major damage to our bookings. They need to leave all this gear behind glass where it belongs.”

Diving guests have embraced the vintage gear.

“I tried the double-hose reg and the single-seal, fishbowl mask yesterday, and it was a blast,” island visitor Mary Wrasse said. “Sure, the mask leaked like a sieve and I damn-near aspirated half the ocean trying to clear it, but it really put me in touch with what diving was a generation or two ago. And not having an air gauge really racheted up the adventure.”

Community leaders were cautiously supportive.

“This is the stuff the Blacktip Island tourism product was built on,” dive industry watchdog Wade Soote said. “As far as we know, this is the first program of its kind in the Caribbean. That’s bound to draw some extra visitors to the island. And no one’s gotten hurt so far, that we know of, so there’s no down side.”

Club members are encouraged by the shows of support.

“I’m proud to dive with Granddaddy’s regulator and Daddy’s mask and knife,” Horn said. “Folks not only survived using this stuff, they thrived. Put food on the table with it for generations.

“We’re getting more old-time gear for the museum as the old timers pass,” Horn said. “Not from diving, of course. From their families, after. Somebody dies diving, makes it damned tough to recover the gear.”

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Dirigible Service Planned For Blacktip Island

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An antique-themed airship, based on modern designs, will soon be plying the skies between Tiperon and Blacktip islands if its promoters can get the ambitious project off the ground. (photo courtesy of lordkinbote)

Travelers bound for Blacktip Island in the future will have the option of arriving from Tiperon Island via antique lighter-than-air dirigible, say the service’s creators.

“We’re looking at a commuter service that’s more ecofriendly and more stylish than petroleum-burning aircraft,” island entrepreneur Rich Skerritt said. “An old-school airship seemed perfect. It’s slower than an airplane, sure, but it’s as fast as a boat without the worry of rough seas, and it’s way better for the environment. We’re calling it ‘One Nation In Dirigible.’

“We’ll trick out the gondola in Victorian style, like you’d see in an old Jules Verne movie,” Skerritt said. “It’ll have comfy armchairs, a full bar, a pipe-smoking lounge, the whole shebang. We’re playing up the nostalgia to draw passengers who want more from their travel than just a quick commute.”

One Nation In Dirigible’s co-creator said the slow service is a major selling point.

“Upwind, Tiperon to Blacktip, it’ll take about six hours,” Piers ‘Doc’ Planck said. “Downwind, maybe three or four, depending on the wind. We tell passengers not to think of it as a slow ride, but as the bookends of a stylish vacation.

“‘We’ll get there when we get there’ is our motto,” Planck said. “It’s not much different from sailing, really. Passengers can sit back, enjoy the ride and channel their inner steampunk. There’s an interest in old-ee time-ee stuff these days.”

Interest in the service has been high, despite the group not yet having an aircraft.

“Sure, it’s a niche market, but people’re willing to pay top dollar for it,” chamber of commerce president Goldy Gobie said. “They’ve sold a bunch of advance tickets. We’re hoping a unique service like this really draws a new kind of visitor to the island.”

Travelers say a period airship adds an air of glamor to their trips.

“I’ve always regretted being born too young to experience blimp travel,” Patty Palometta said. “Now I can find out firsthand what it’s like to cruise along above the clouds with no sound but the wind whistling by the windows. Unless it catches fire.”

One Nation In Dirigible’s creators downplayed safety concerns.

“Helium’ll provide lift, not hydrogen like with the airship whose name we don’t say, but that starts with ‘H,’” Skerritt said. “Tire company blimps fly thousands of hours every year without a mishap.

“We’re still tweaking the design until we find what works best,” Skerritt said. “Then we’ll decorate it like your grandma’s sitting room and we’re in business. It may take a while to get it just right, but that shouldn’t discourage folks from buying advance tickets. Any tickets you buy today will be honored. Someday. Somehow.”

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