Monthly Archives: April 2023

Blacktip Island Weather


Sunday, April 30, 2023

Temperature: 82

Humidity: 71%

Precipitation: Needed, but no

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Blacktip Island Dolphin Squeaks Translate As French, Researchers Say

french dolphins

Dolphin researchers on Blacktip Island have discovered the resident pods all speak French, with differing accents from pod to pod. (photo courtesy of Oregon State University)

A team of marine biologists attempting to communicate with resident dolphin pods around Blacktip Island this week discovered the cetaceans’ vocalizations, when translated to human speech, are in French, the lead researcher said Thursday.

“We’ve been working on audible communications for a while, but this caught us totally off guard,” Tiperon University-Blacktip marine biology chair Goby Graysby said. “We set acoustic buoys all around the island to record the dolphins’ squeaks and clicks. When we ran the sounds through a new artificial intelligence program, voila, turns out they’re speaking French. I don’t speak French personally, but I know what it sounds like.

“The question now is, ‘why French?’” Graysby said. “And why French in a part of the Caribbean, where there’ve never been any French colonies? Also, different pods have different accents—the south-enders sound Quebecois—so we’re also gathering DNA to see whether the different pods have different origins.”

Team members tasked with translating the recording transcripts were stunned.

“We thought we’d get random Pidgin something-or-other, if anything, so this really blindsided us,” TU-B genetics professor Vera Cuda said. “Not many of us are conversant in French on this little rock, and our French is all pretty dodgy. We got Josselin Brittany from the language school to listen to the translations, and it turns out our dolphins—or dauphins, I suppose—are quite fluent.

“Apparently, they’re fond of the subjunctive, which would speak to a certain wistful outlook and world view,” Cuda said. “It’s an interdisciplinary project now, and we’re sending our findings out to other dolphin researchers around the world to see if all dolphins speak French, or if this is a localized phenomenon.”

Some in the local scientific community questioned the findings.

“Dolphins no more speak French than I do Mandarin,” Dr. Azul Tang said. “They ran random sounds through an untested algorithm and got random results. They’re not talking to Flipper. These sounds in no way correspond to any known language’s syntax, grammar or verb tenses. Goby and his gang are just milking this for grant money.”

Long-time locals, though, were not surprised by the study’s results.

“Been warning folks for a while the French plan to invade Blacktip,” handyman Antonio Fletcher said. “Reckon they’ll listen to me now. De Gaulle brainwashing them dolphins was the first step. Next it’ll be reef fish, then iguanas, then it’s fiat accompli—them Frenchies fly in and it’s goodbye Blacktip Island, hello Île Pointe Noire.”

Researchers are continuing their efforts to communicate with the dolphins.

“They’re cheeky monkeys,” Goby said. “This morning I asked them if the sea was chilly and they all laughed at me. Kept repeating something about the ocean being a strawberry. I don’t get it, but I’ll keep trying.”

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The race is on

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Blacktip Island Weather


Sunday, April 23, 2023

Temperature: 81

Humidity: 72%

Precipitation: Gonna be a scorcher

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Blacktip Island Judge Codifies Right To Be Rude

right to be rude

Blacktip Island judge Harry Bottoms approved a new law protecting residents right to be rude to each other. (photo illustration courtesy of Blogtrepreneur)

A Blacktip Island magistrate Thursday approved controversial legislation guaranteeing island residents the right to be publicly rude to each other, making certain minor public disturbances legal.

“It’s about time this passed,” Alison Diesel said. “Friday, Saturday nights, any little comment’ll set somebody off, then Rafe Marquette has to haul them to jail for some rando verbal dust-up. Same at the store, when folks get banned for complaining about the prices. Now, we can bitch about all kinds of little things with no legal blow back.

“Blacktippers have a natural flair for rudeness, and punishing us for that wasn’t right,” Diesel said. “It also covers folks’ rights to be rude right back, so it’s a cool two-edged sword. Lets people bicker and snark and be a-holes and go about their business.”

Island authorities praised the ruling.

“There’s been times, trying to keep the peace, I’d run out of jail space,” Island Police Constable Rafe Marquette said. “Only got the one cell, you know, so it fills up fast. People used to be charged with starting trouble, but now that’s done with. This lets me concentrate on physical altercations and ignore the yelling matches.”

Others were more cautious.

“Big worry’s people may take advantage of the new law,” de facto island mayor Jack Cobia said. “Locals going out of their way to be rude, well, that could chase away tourists, and then where’d we be? All out of work, that’s where. At minimum, there needs to be a stipulation you can’t be rude to tourists. Harry’s a dumbass for passing this law.”

Island judge Harry Bottoms disagreed.

“Jack’s a dumbass for making that statement,” he said. “But then, that’s always been his stock-in-trade. This law’s is based on the strong precedents set in Chromis v. Ray and Damsel v. Goby. It frees up vital community resources and puts responsibility on the individual. Folks that don’t like it need to toughen up, grow a thicker skin.

“Also, the law does not protect the consequences of being rude,” Bottoms said. “Anything that goes beyond verbal fireworks’ll still be prosecuted vigorously. This has been a long time in coming.”

Mayor Cobia plans to appeal the decision. Bottoms, the only judge on the small Caribbean island, has promised to ignore the appeal.

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Scotty always was a bit different . . .

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Blacktip Island Weather


Sunday, April 16, 2023

Temperature: 89

Humidity: 71%

Precipitation: Nope

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Wampus Cat Sightings Have Blacktip Island Residents On Edge

wampus cat

A footprint of the alleged wampus cat, near the Last Ballyhoo bar on blacktip Island’s southern tip. (photo courtesy of manu2548)

Multiple wampus cat sightings on Blacktip Island have residents worried, and forced authorities Thursday to issue a public safety warning concerning the creature.

“Not exactly sure what we’re dealing with, but, judging by the footprints, it’s big,” Island Police Constable Rafe Marquette said. “Look like cat tracks, but I’ve never seen anything bigger than a feral cat on Blacktip.

“Folks are reporting a big cat-looking critter more and more often, down south by the Last Ballyhoo,” Marquette said. “We’re asking all residents to be cautious, especially in that area. If you have to go out at night, always travel in groups of at least two people. And bring two sticks to knock together.”

Long-time residents were the first to find the animal’s tracks.

“I was poking around on the bluff, looking for mango trees, when I saw the first track,” Eagle Ray Cove manager, former-Reverend Jerrod Ephesians said. “It looked like a cat print, but the size of my hand. And fresh. I thought, ‘Holly hell! That’s from a wampus cat!’ You can bet I high-tailed it out of there.

“There’s always been weird animal noises in the bush down that way,” Ephesians said. “And there’s always been wampus cat tales. I’ve never heard of one attacking people, but I’m not taking any chances. I’m carrying a machete any time I’m down that way.”

Other locals claim to have seen the creature.

“I was driving back from the Ballyhoo Saturday night when I saw it in the road just ahead of me,” Payne Hanover said. “It paused, gave me a toothy roar, then bounded into the bushes. It was a minute or so before I could drive off, I was shaking so bad.

“There’s been pet food and laundry going missing down there, too,” Ephesians said. “With a mouth full of teeth like that, it’s got to be a danger to people. And pets. You hear about things like this, but you never think you’ll see them. There’s been rumors, and now we have proof.”

Some in the community doubt the reports.

“There is absolutely zero evidence of anything that big living anywhere on the island,” Tiperon University-Blacktip genetics professor Vera Cuda said. “A carnivore that large? What does it eat and where does it poop? This is just another crypto megafauna hoax. I mean, if Jerrod and Payne are the ones reporting sightings, I know it’s bogus.”

However, long-time residents confirmed the creature’s existence.

“That wampus cat’s real, and a terror,” shopkeeper Peachy Bottoms said. “Got my great-uncle Cooter and his son Bell, back in the ‘30s. That was a bad time. I seen it again last week. We got to be proactive in getting rid of it.

“Grandpa used torches, a grappling hook and Old Spice back then,” Bottoms said. “Kept it away for 50, 60 years. If this is the same one. It’ll be lurking up on the bluff. We’ll smoke it out, though.”

Meanwhile, Eagle Ray Cove has launched a wampus cat tourism initiative.

“We’re doing wampus cat identification courses, and running wampus cat safaris,” Ephesians said. “We’re also selling wampus cat shirts and hats, and have a new Cat Scratch Fever cocktail at the bar. Our guests are eating this stuff up.”

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Expecto Patronum!

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Blacktip Island Weather


Sunday, April 9, 2023

Temperature: 87

Humidity: 68%

Precipitation: Not a chance

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