Documents leaked on the internet this week, revealing the Our Lady of Blacktip Cathedral’s steeple is a disguised United States tactical missile aimed at Cuba, have shocked residents of the small Caribbean island.
“To bring something like that to Blacktip, to keep it secret, it’s unconscionable,” said local activist Harry Pickett. “This is a 21st Century proxy war. Blacktip Island’s on the front line.
“And if our steeple’s aimed at Havana, what does Havana have aimed at us, the Morro Castle lighthouse?”
Conspiracy theories mushroomed last year when island residents noticed the steeple tilting and the cross rotating during a diplomatic spat between the Washington and Havana. The leaked documents give credence to those theories.
“People been talking about the hand of God moving the cross from time to time,” resident James Conlee said. “Now we know it’s not imagination, not superstition. That steeple does move. But it’s the hand of some guy named Vern doing the moving, and with a joystick.”
“This certainly solves the mystery of why those pasty-white repair men with short haircuts are always hanging out around the church,” government watchdog Wade Sloote said. “It wasn’t for spiritual guidance. It was for guidance systems.”
The revelation has fueled concern other Blacktip Island landmarks might also be hiding weaponry.
“That new cell tower leans a good bit,” local Dermott Bottoms said. “There’s cylinder-shaped coral heads on the reefs, too. And some of those casaurina pines the boobies nest in are awful missile-looking.”
The news, combined with revelations last February of fish-shaped surveillance drones on popular island scuba sites, has island business interests worried.
“First it was mechanical sergeant majors spooking divers. Now this,” Sandy Bottoms Beach Resort general manager Kay Valve said. “Our phone lines are jammed. Our guests are going ballistic.”
Meanwhile, the Caribbean island’s religious leaders are urging tolerance.
“It’s not like anyone’s fired the missile. The Americans are just storing it,” said the former-Reverend Jerrod Ephesians. “And they’re paying us out the wazoo in storage fees. It’s a windfall for the church, and for the local economy.
“Plus, last spring Cuba tried to invade Blacktip. It’s not like those Godless rat-bastards don’t have it coming,” Ephesians said. “This is an eye-for-an-eye, Old Testament sort of situation we have here. We’ve taught our hands to war and our fingers to fight. The Church Militant’s alive and well on Blacktip Island.”