Monthly Archives: July 2016

July 29, 2016 · 7:38 am

Blacktip Island Gets Travel Ban From U.S., U.K.

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Blacktip Island officials hope the sun won’t set on the small Caribbean island’s tourism industry after multiple nations issued a travel warning advising their citizens not to visit the secluded vacation mecca.

Blacktip Island officials hope the sun won’t set on the small Caribbean island’s tourism industry after multiple nations issued a travel warning advising their citizens not to travel to the secluded vacation mecca.

At the urging of the International Psychiatric Association, the United States, United Kingdom and European Union Friday issued a travel warning for citizens visiting Blacktip Island.

“We’ve had a travel alert in place for a while, but after the I.P.A.’s report we kicked it up to a warning,” U.S. State Department spokesperson Roosevelt Franklin said. “People on that island are just not right. They’ve been isolated too long.

“The report says the mental instability can be passed person-to-person, and we’re studying other possible vectors,” Washington said. “The concern is a mental-health pandemic – tourists traveling there, contracting bat-shit, then transporting it back home.”

Island residents downplayed the warning.

“The hullaballoo got started with that You Tube video of the naked conga line at Eagle Ray Cove – spontaneous, mind you, and started by a U.S. State Department retiree,” Blacktip Island Chamber of Commerce president Reg Gurnard said. “Then James Conlee planted himself at the airstrip in that home-made flower pot of his and tried to use ESP to get tourists to water him. Mostly, he just scared people with the faces he made.

“The capper was Dermott Bottoms literally howling at the moon from the Sandy Bottoms Beach Resort roof at three in the morning,” Gurnard said. “It would’ve been laughed off if he hadn’t peed on all the departing guests’ luggage the next morning. No quicker way to piss off a visiting shrink than that.”

The governments also issued a travel ban on Blacktip residents wanting to visit their countries.

“Blacktippers are bonkers,” Franklin said. “The study says anyone who’s lived on that island for more than 3.57 years could pose a real threat to our citizens. We’re not about to import that.”

Blacktip residents refuted the report.

“That’s just their opinion, you know,” said Blacktip Island native James Conlee. “From a bunch of black thumbs who can’t be trusted to water their flowers properly. You ask me, I think we should ban them.”

The official response was more muted.

“Obviously, we can’t ban tourists from an island devoted to tourism,” Blacktip Island mayor Jack Cobia said. “Not even the New Yorkers. But we’re being unfairly singled out. Folks on Grand Turk are completely deranged, but no one says ‘boo’ about them.

“We’ve lodged official protest with the U.S. and U.K. ambassadors,” Cobia said. “Or we will as soon as they answer our calls and emails and thought waves. I can assure you of that.”

Other residents were not bothered by the warning.

“It’s Blacktip. This’ll pass,” said Sandy Bottoms Beach Resort manager Kay Valve. “Meantime, it draws more attention to us and attracts adventure-seeking guests.

“Every resort on the island is chock-a-block full because of that report,” Valve said. “Just spell ‘Blacktip Island’ right, you know?”

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July 22, 2016 · 6:27 am

New Dinosaur Species Discovered On Blacktip Island

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The partial skeleton of the recently discovered Blacktiposaurus lies exposed in geologic sediment scientists have identified as from the early Flirtaceous period. The creature may be the missing link between extinct reptiles and modern birds. (photo courtesy of Ernesto Mojarra)

Two Blacktip Island hikers exploring the island’s rugged interior Wednesday discovered the fossilized remains of what experts believe is a new species of dinosaur linking the ancient reptiles to modern aquatic birds.

“We were fell-walking up on the bluff, and the nesting kingbirds kept dive bombing us, pecking at our heads,” divemaster Lee Helm said. “It was miserable. We were picking up stones to throw at them when Alison noticed an odd-looking pattern in the limestone.”

“You could totally tell it was something, or a couple of things all mooshed up together,” boat captain Alison Diesel said. “It took a few seconds to register. The thing’s about the size of a medium-sized goat.”

Specialists rushed to confirm the pair’s find.

“It’s pretty unbelievable, frankly,” said Ernesto Mojarra, head of Tiperon University-Blacktip’s paleontology department. “The skeleton shows a unique mix of reptilian scales and claws as well as avian feathers and beak structure. We’re calling it Blacktiposaurus.

“Preliminary guess, the creature was flightless, though a strong swimmer, and looked something like our modern booby birds, but with spines down its back,” Mojarra said. “With so many boobies and iguanas on Blacktip Island, this could be a common ancestor.”

Some locals were skeptical.

“The only dinosaurs anyone’s likely to find on Blacktip are at the bottom of a rum bottle,” the Reverend Pierre Grunt said. “Iguanas and boobies have always been here. In Earth’s 6,000-year history, nothing’s ever evolved on this island. Except drug-resistant social diseases.”

Others were eager to preserve the fossil for future study.

“Blacktiposaurus rests in the sedimentary strata just above the K-T layer that marks the end of the Cretaceous period,” TU-B geologist Christina Grasby said. “With the bones smack on top of all that iridium-enriched dust and tektite spheres, this is the first evidence of saurian life surviving into the early Flirtaceous period following the Chicxulub asteroid impact in the Yucatan.”

Island entrepreneurs are backing the preservation efforts as well.

“That thing-gummy’s a gold mine,” said local businessman Rich Skerritt. “People’ll pay to see it, and they’ll pay more to watch Ernesto and his buddies fiddle with it. Excavate it. Whatever.

“An outdoor interactive museum is a natural, where folks can watch the dig,” Skerritt said. “Something tasteful. Then throw in food and beverage concessions, a gift shop, a couple of roller coasters, Blacktip’ll be a must-visit Caribbean destination in no time.”

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July 15, 2016 · 7:45 am

Blacktip Island Divemasters Launch Underwater Jenga League

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One of the last parking chocks still above water on Blacktip Island, with an underwater giant Jenga team’s lift bag and mallet, in the Blacktip Haven resort parking lot.

Members of a newly-formed underwater giant Jenga league have illegally cleared Blacktip Island’s parking lots of cement parking chocks for use as game blocks, island authorities said Friday.

In conventional Jenga, players take turns removing one wooden block at a time from a tower of blocks, then balance that block on top of the stack to create a progressively taller but less stable structure.

“It started with bored divemasters and a load of sunken chocks that fell overboard out from the public dock,” Island Police Constable Rafe Marquette said. “Next thing you know, they’re dragging chocks from resort parking lots and chucking them into the sea.

“After a YouTube video, it really took off,” Marquette said “Now they’ve hauled off every parking bumper that’s not bolted down so they can make a regulation 54-block set. I’d arrest them all, but there’s no proof who committed the actual thefts.”

Players preferred to focus on the intricacies of the game.

“It’s giant Jenga, only with more adrenalin,” said divemaster Alison Diesel. “Each block weighs, like, 200 pounds. Two-person teams use lift bags to make a block neutrally buoyant, then tap it out of the pile with rubber mallets.

“Both people have to be in synch, or things get ugly,” Diesel said. “Personal buoyancy control’s a biggie, too. You’re down in the sand when a six-foot tower crashes down, you’re crab food.”

League organizers brushed aside talk of the game’s illegality.

“We’ve done nothing wrong and no one stole anything,” de facto league president Jerrod Ephesians said. “The blocks were underwater debris. We’re simply using them. And we never have matches when the barge is due. That’d create a navigational hazard.

“The only problem we’ve had is a couple of ugly incidents involving husband-and-wife teams,” Ephesians said. “Kitty Smarr swore she dumped her lift bag by accident, and that she was yelling for help, but Mickey damn-near got crushed, and it sure sounded like Kitty was laughing through her regulator.”

Police, meanwhile, are concerned the missing bumpers imperil public safety.

“There’s not a single chock in any of the island’s car parks,” Marquette said. “That creates a dangerous situation. I can seize the ones that’ve been sunk, but I have no way to get them out of the water. Meantime, motorists are damaging vehicles, buildings and themselves without chocks to stop the cars.”

One local business owner is using the Jenga matches to cover the cost of new parking bumpers at his resort.

“We put in underwater cameras at Diddley’s Landing,” said Rich Skerritt, owner of Eagle Ray Cove resort. “We’re charging folks to watch the live feed at the bar. That, and the alcohol sales, should recoup the cost of chocks. And when we get new ones, we’re gonna pound them in place with five, six feet of rebar so these scuba hippies can’t steal them.”

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July 8, 2016 · 8:49 am

Flare Gun Shootout Mars Blacktip Island Unity Day

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Some of the emergency signaling pyrotechnics seized by Blacktip Island police after Thursday night’s signal-flare shootout. (photo courtesy of Raphael Marquette)

A flare gun battle between two Blacktip Island Unity Day dock parties, celebrating the island’s varied cultures living peacefully together, resulted in three arrests, fourteen injuries and the confiscation of all flares and flare pistols Thursday night.

“It started as good holiday fun,” said Clete Horn, whose eyebrows were scorched off in the melee. “We had country music playing on our dock, the Sand Spit Bar had reggae blasting on theirs, and people were hollering back and forth at one another.

“Each party had its own fireworks show, and they started at the same time,” Horn said. ‘Next thing you know, folks were adding their own fireworks, trying to outdo the other dock.”

Police say the situation escalated quickly.

“First it was bottle rockets being fired dock-to-dock, then Roman candles,” said Island Police Constable Rafe Marquette. “Next thing we knew, people had broken out emergency signal pistols and were blazing away.

“At one point party-goers were swimming out to moored dive boats to rearm themselves with nautical flares,” Marquette said. “They were even firing those big parachute flares to see their targets better.”

The island’s medical clinic was overwhelmed by the injuries.

“I’m not set up for something on this scale,” island nurse Marissa Wrasse said. “There were so many burns, I ran out of unguent. I had to grab mayonnaise from the ‘fridge and slather that on burns.

“Ran out of that, too, by the end,” Wrasse said. “Dermott Bottoms took a direct hit right down the back of his shorts. You have no idea the size of Dermott Bottoms’ bottom.”

Authorities confiscated all incendiaries to prevent further violence, a move that angered some locals.

“It’s not safe, Rafe leaving us with nothing but survival mirrors,” boat captain Marina DeLow said. “What if we have an emergency and need to signal for help?”

The police, however, remained adamant.

“Damn right I seized all the flares,” Marquette said. “These yobbos were even throwing smoke canisters and orange dye markers at each other.

“This is why they can’t have nice things,” Marquette said. “Until they learn how to use pyrotechnics responsibly, they’ll just have to jump up and down and waive their arms if there’s an emergency.”

Unity Day organizers, meanwhile, have scheduled an alcohol-free follow-up celebration Friday evening they hope will bring the island community back together.

“We figured we’d get everyone in one place, then sit down and talk things out,” Unity Day committee chair Kay Valve said. “Of course, Dermott’ll have to stand, but that’ll be a reminder why this is so important.”

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July 1, 2016 · 7:18 am

Blacktip Island Votes Itself Independent

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A new day dawns on Blacktip Island after residents Wednesday voted to declare themselves an independent nation. (photo courtesy of Rocky Shore)

In a surprise referendum Wednesday, Blacktip Island residents chose overwhelmingly to leave the Tiperon Islands. The vote, if approved by the Blacktip Island Commission, would establish the small Caribbean island as an independent nation.

The vote, known locally as the Bleave, was called after an increase in import duty for alcohol from Tiperon, the capital island, resulted in several days of public protest on Blacktip.

“You better believe I voted to Bleave,” island mayor Jack Cobia said. “Our so-called representative on the big island wasn’t elected. Blacktip’s a small island, out on the edge of things. Last election, we just plain forgot to vote. That’s when politicos in the capitol appointed one of their cronies.

“Next thing you know, our man – a preacher, no less – votes to double the price of our booze,” Cobia said. “We scheduled a vote to stop the riots, and, boy, did folks turned out. Well, three folks, anyway. But we all voted ‘out.’”

Critics say independence could cripple the island’s economy.

“There’s no way this little sand spit can survive on its own,” said Rocky Shore, economics professor at Tiperon University-Blacktip. “Tourism’s all Blacktip has, and 100 drunks can’t provide the infrastructure to support that product.

“Democracy’s not always best,” Shore said. “Voters should have stayed home again instead of turning out to vote.”

The pro camp, though, expects the island’s economy to thrive.

“All the dive operations and bars are going like gangbusters,” said Rick Skerritt, owner of Eagle Ray Cove resort. “Us Blacktippers are used to looking out for ourselves, and each other.

“My ancestors came to this island with nothing but their dreams. And investment capital,” Skerritt said. “I’ll be damned if some pencil pusher from Tiperon’s gonna run my life.”

Others took a more low-key approach.

“Sure, people are up in arms, but nothing’ll change,” handyman Antonio Fletcher said. “It’s Blacktip Island. Nothing ever changes.

“It’s good being on our own,” Fletcher said. “Tiperon’s got too many foreigners, anyway. And teetotalers.”

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