Monthly Archives: April 2022

Blacktip Island Scientists, Artists To Revive Dead Poets

iambic park

Percy Bysshe Shelley and his wife Mary are two of the Romantic-era writers the Blacktip Island Poetry Society hopes to clone for their new Iambic Park interactive attraction. (engraving by George J. Stodart)

A consortium of Blacktip Island genetics experts and literary aficionados have launched a project to clone multiple British Romantic writers to more-fully study their works, the project’s leaders announced Thursday.

“It’ll be like Jurassic Park, but with 200-year-old poets,” Blacktip Island Poetry Society president Edwin Chub said. “It’ll literally bring poetry to life. We’ll keep them in a compound, down south, by the Last Ballyhoo bar, so we can have easy access to study them. We’ll also allow interested scholars and tourists in, for a fee. We’re calling it Iambic Park.

“We chose the Brit Roms due to access to DNA,” Chub said. “Mary Shelley saved Percy’s heart, so we’re going to use tissue from that as a starting point. If this works, we’ll be able to get first-hand insight into their creative processes. With any luck, they’ll even write some new poems while we watch in real time.”

Local scientists say the project is not a farfetched as it sounds.

“With just a scrap of Percy Shelley’s DNA, we can clone him in a heartbeat,” Tiperon University-Blacktip genetics professor Vera Cuda said. “We’ll prove the naysayers wrong once and for all. And with his wife hoarding that heart for so long, there’s undoubtedly some of her DNA there as well. It’s a two-for, really.

“We’re also tracking down genetic samples from other artists of that period to fulfill the BIPS vision,” Cuda said. “We have some excellent leads on DNA from Wordsworth, Coleridge, Keats and Byron. The home run sample would be from William Blake, but that may not be possible. We have our best people on it, though.”

Island residents support the idea.

“It’ll be way cool to hang out with John Keats,” Alison Diesel said. “Or just to be chased by young, consumptive men shouting in terza rima. English classes would’ve been so gnarly if this’d been around back in the day.

“I’m betting there’ll be lots of lolling and languishing involved, too,” Diesel said. “That fits right in on Blacktip. I bet Keats’ll write some kind of ‘Ode to a Booby Bird.’

Others noted the connection between the Romantic-era poets and the small Caribbean island.

“Byron didn’t die in Greece. No, sir,” local handyman Antonio Fletcher said. “He faked that to get creditors off his tail, and set sail for the West Indes. Final resting place’s right here on Blacktip. Tore the place up back then. Bringing him back’ll be . . . well, bringing him back.

“Jurassic Park was really just Frankenstein, y’know,” Fletcher said. “Mad scientist creates life with no thought of the consequences, things get out of hand, and the creation gets called a monster when it’s really the scientist who’s the baddie. That’s the worry with bringing Byron back. Island barely survived his time here once. Lock up your daughters. And sons. And livestock.”

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Getting by with a little help from their friends

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Blacktip Island Weather

sunday april 24

Sunday, April 24, 2022

Temperature: 83

Humidity: 64%

Precipitation: On the way

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‘Shart Week’ Typo Leads To Mayhem On Blacktip Island

shart week
Burned cars sit outside Blacktip Island’s Marine Parks office Friday after a night of protests and counter protests sparked by a typographical error in a ‘Shark Week’ flyer. (photo courtesy of Banswalhemant)

A typographical error on a Blacktip Island Marine Parks ‘Shark Week’ flyer Wednesday led to multiple protests and a small riot on the small Caribbean island, event organizers said.

“It was a simple typo—shark with a ‘t’ instead of a ‘k’—one that obviously didn’t mean what it said, but some people took it literally,” marine parks spokesperson Val Schrader said. “Things spiraled out of control from there, but I suppose that’s the Blacktip way.

“We’ve had multiple protests outside the DoE office, demanding we cancel the event they think we’re planning,” Schrader said. “More worrisome, there’s been counter protestors attacking them, voicing support for it. And destroying property in the process. This worse than when the poetry society had its ‘poultry slam’ mix up.”

Protesters are demanding any and all events be cancelled.

“It’s all well and good to say it’s a typo, but that doesn’t address the damage it’s done. And’s still doing,” Rocky Shore said. “There’s folks who’re taking this seriously, making asses of themselves, and that creates a messy situation for everybody. Val and them need to come out with a statement saying that flyer’s wrong and telling folks to mind their manners.

“You can’t just throw something like that out there on this island,” Shore said. “I don’t understand why someone would want to celebrate something like that. Or even admit to it. But they’re coming out of the woodwork. And with Val not retracting that announcement, it begs the question of if it’s really a typo. We need to get to the bottom of this.”

Counter protesters have embraced the mix up.

“It’s genius—folks finally can celebrate being humans without feeling ashamed,” Linford Blenny said. “Most natural thing in the world, and people look at us like we’re bad people. That don’t matter, though. We’re spending this week practicing. The whole Bottoms family’s with us. Except Peachy. And Rosie.”

Other residents urged calm.

“It’s obviously an error. Come on, people, use your noggins,” Marcia Seagroves said. “No one in their right mind thinks we’d celebrate something like that. Or burn cars because of it. We’ll be picketing the picketers and the counter-picketers all week. Unless anyone decides to . . . celebrate. Then it’s every person for themself.”

Other locals had broader concerns.

“Mistake like this, makes you wonder how many other typos’re out there no one’s noticed,” Antonio Fletcher said. “Could be people all over doing things wrong and not know it. What if it’s s’posed to be ‘celebrate’ instead of ‘celibate’? Or ‘porn and beans?’ Makes you wonder, don’t it?”

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Blacktip Island Weather

sunday april 17

Sunday, April 17, 2022

Temperature: 82

Humidity: 61%

Precipitation: Meh

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Blacktip Island To Celebrate Easter With A Sea-Turtle Egg Hunt


Brightly-painted pingpong balls will double as sea turtle eggs Sunday in the Department of Environment’s inaugural Easter turtle-egg hunt. (photo courtesy of Dean Hochman)

Blacktip Island children of all ages will celebrate Easter Sunday with a Department of Environment-sponsored sea turtle egg hunt along the small Caribbean island’s beaches to raise awareness of endangered sea turtle nests, DoE officials said.

“They’re not real turtle nests, of course,” marine parks spokesperson Val Schrader said. “It’s the wrong season. But when nesting season comes around this summer, we aim to have a small army of beach walkers who know what to look for so we can track all of the green and loggerhead turtle hatchings.

“We dug fake nests all over the island and filled them with dyed pingpong balls to simulate turtle eggs,” Schrader said. “Then we used tractor tires to simulate turtle tracks up the beach. The kids dig into them like little terriers—sand flies everywhere. The smaller ones go in head-first to their waists.”

Some on the island criticized the activity.

“You’re teaching children to dig up turtle nests. That can’t end well,” Frank Maples said. “Most adults can make the distinction between a spring egg hunt and summer nest spotting, but some of the younger kiddos can’t. This could lead to hordes of preschoolers destroying endangered nests in a few months’ time.”

Organizers downplayed such scenarios.

“Kids are smarter than that. And we explain the difference,” DoE volunteer Melissa Snapper said. “Plus, there’s only about three kids on the island, so, worst case, they can’t do too much damage. It’s the half-wit adults we’re worried about. But that’ll be more than offset by our raising awareness of the nests. A bigger danger is folks getting snake bit.”

Local retailers are supporting the hunt.

“We’ll have food and drink booths set up near every faux-nest site,” Sandy Bottoms Beach Resort manager Kay Valve said. “We’ll serve turtle-related fare like turtle steaks and turtle medallions. There’ll be no mock-turtle soup, but we will have real-turtle soup and mock anyone who eats it. Oh, and chocolate turtles, too, if the heat doesn’t melt them.

“There’ll also be a nest-digging contest, a crawl-up-the-beach-on-your-belly contest and pin the head on the turtle game,” Valve said. “We’ll also have pingpong tables and paddles for anyone who fancies a game with the faux eggs they find.”

Local bands The Social Morays and Turtlehead will perform in the evening.

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Dolphins. Dolphins make Wednesdays better.

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Blacktip Island Weather

sunday april 10

Sunday, April 10, 2022

Temperature: 79

Humidity: 62%

Precipitation: Nope

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Divers Discover ‘Linear A’ Tablets On Blacktip Island Reef

linear a

Clay tablet fragments, inscribed with what appear to be the Linear A writing system of ancient Crete, were found by recreational scuba divers off Blacktip Island’s east coast. (photo courtesy of Zde)

Scuba divers on Blacktip Island’s east coast Thursday discovered clay tablet fragments inscribed with what experts say is the never-deciphered Linear A writing system used by ancient Minoans.

“It was the damnedest thing,” divemaster Gage Hoase said. “Last week’s storms had shifted the sand around and uncovered a bunch of stuff. I was looking at a sea slug on some exposed rock and noticed a flat piece of clay with some scratchings on it. Then another.

“I didn’t think anything of it ‘til I showed them to Lucille Ray,” Hoase said. “She’s a history buff, and her jaw about hit the ground. Said she’s only ever seen Linear-whatsits in textbooks and museums. We’re going out again this afternoon to see if there’s any more.”

Experts are divided on how the fragments came to Blacktip Island.

“Linear A was used solely by the Minoans, and no one’s used it since about 1400 BC,” Ray said. “The only known samples of it are from Crete and the Greek mainland. The obvious answer is the fragments were stolen from a museum, then fell, or were tossed, overboard. And since there’s no marine growth on them, that happened fairly recently.”

Others disagreed.

“No growth on ‘em ‘cause they was buried in the sand. Long time ago,” handyman Antonio Fletcher said. “That means Minoans visited Blacktip way back when. They were a seafaring people, you know.

“End of the Bronze Age, Mediterranean culture collapsed, folks were on the move,” Fletcher said. “Why couldn’t Minoans have sailed to Blacktip? Good chance they’re our ancestors. There’s locals who got a Greek look to them. Could be descended from ancient Cretans.

Some in the small Caribbean island’s academic community disputed the find.

“It’s just bits of clay with some random scratching on them,” Tiperon University-Blacktip archeology professor Dunning von Kruger said. “There’s no indication it’s Linear A, or any other writing system. It’s far more likely to be a child’s scibbling than ancient writing.

“There’s also an excellent chance this is a weak attempt at a hoax,” von Kruger said. “It’s Gage and Lucille we’re talking about here. It smacks of a sad cry for attention. And validation.”

Experts, meanwhile are keeping a close watch on the fragments.

“We have the fragments locked up at the museum to study, with archival gloves and whatnot,” Blacktip Island Museum curator Lefty Wright said. “Mostly relying on YouTube and the Google. We think we have a good shot at finally deciphering Linear A. The pussy-cat pictogram’s the key.

“The national museum on Tiperon’s interested, too. They’re sending one of their top people over to have a look. She specializes in Medieval barter systems, though, so that may be a wash. Worst case, the fragments’ll go to the Blacktip Island Museum, and sit alongside the cannon ball and turtle shell.”

Hoase and Ray have not disclosed the exact site of the find to discourage potential looters.

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