Sunday, March 31, 2024
Temperature: 84
Humidity: 66%
Precipitation: Incoming
Monthly Archives: March 2024
Blacktip Island Theosophy Society Plans Easter Séance
The Blacktip Island Theosophy Society’s Ouija board will be the center of attention early Sunday morning, when participants will attempt to bring one of the island’s early leaders back from the dead. (photo courtesy of Jerrod Ephesians/the Blacktip Island Theosophy Society)
The Blacktip Island Theosophy Society will host an Easter séance to call back from the dead one of the small Caribbean island’s earliest settlers with the goal of reconnecting to the community’s founding values.
“We’ve gotten so disconnected from Blacktip’s original principles,” the former reverend Jerrod Ephesians, head of the island’s Ecumenical Council, said. “There’s less and less binding us together as a community. People work, drink, then pass out with so little sense of purpose.
“That’s where bringing Lumpy Bottoms back comes in.” Ephesians said. “Lumpy was one of Blacktip’s original settlers back in 17-whatever, and the patriarch of the Bottoms clan. With his guidance the island population prospered and grew. We have no idea what that guidance was, so we thought we’d ask.”
Island historians agreed.
“Lumpy was our first mayor,” Leigh Shore said. “This is the perfect opportunity to reconnect with that old-time way of life. We’ll get suggestions on what we need to do to regain the heart and soul of our community straight from the horse’s mouth, so to speak.
“We’ll gather at midnight Easter morning when the vibes are strongest and settle in around the Ouija board,” Shore said. “The board’s fairly small, so only a few people will actually be touching the planchette, but we’re setting up extra chairs for spectators—all are welcome—and they can touch us. Then there’ll be plenty of time to go to the Easter sunrise service down the road, for those so inclined.”
Blacktip’s religious community denounced the plan.
“This sort of pagan quackery is totally inappropriate, especially on Easter,” the Reverend Pierre Grunt of the Blacktip Island Interdenominational Church said. “We’re talking about one of the most revered days on the Christian calendar being undermined by mumbo-jumbo that chips away at peoples’ faith. What’s next, a hunt for liquor-filled Easter eggs in the church? Jerrod’s lot may find this humorous, but some of us find it deeply offensive.”
Ephesians challenged that criticism.
“Pierre needs to chill. We’re doing this at midnight so it won’t interfere with Easter services,” he said. “Easter’s a powerful day, with all sorts of spiritual, psychic energy flowing. This is our best window to bring Lumpy back.
“And we’re making that energy accessible to everyone, not just church-goers,” Ephesians said. “Non-Christians often feel left out on holidays like this. It’s a positive thing, aimed at benefitting the entire community. It’s not like we’re calling back Jack the Ripper or Stalin.”
The séance will take place in the Theosophy Society’s great room. Participants are encouraged to arrive early and to dress warmly.
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Blacktip Island Weather
Sunday, March 14, 2024
Temperature: 83
Humidity: 64%
Precipitation: Could be
Filed under Scuba Diving
Tiperon University-Blacktip Earns First March Madness Appearance
The TU-B Mantis Shrimp, named for the Caribbean island’s ferocious peacock mantis shrimp (pictured), won their first-ever game in the NCAA March Madness basketball tournament Wednesday. (Photo courtesy of Roy L. Caldwell, Department of Integrative Biology, University of California, Berkeley)
The Tiperon University-Blacktip Fightin’ Mantis Shrimp earned their first appearance in the NCAA March Madness men’s basketball tournament Wednesday with a 67-65 play-in game win over the heavily-favored Eastern Florida Community College Fire Ants.
“Folks didn’t give us much of a chance, but this team proved everybody wrong,” Mantis Shrimp head coach Jack Mackrell said. “These guys ignored the naysayers, took care of business on the court and made Blacktip proud. It was rough going in the first half, and we got in foul trouble early, but they gutted it out.
“I understand the doubters,” Mackrell said. “With only 12 students at TU-B, we were doing good to field a team, frankly. To shake off the first-half jitters, I gambled a bit and switched from the zone defense EFCC had sussed to man-to-man. From there, we took it to them. Never been so proud of these boys.”
Blacktip Island residents were ecstatic with the win.
“All week we’d been hearing about how TU-B didn’t belong in the same time zone as the tournament,” Rosie Blenny said. “Well, we showed them. David just whomped, well, another David, but we can beat any team in this tourney when we play to our potential. Lots of folks eating crow today. Or should I say, ‘Ants’?”
The Mantis Shrimp were paced by the three-point shooting of the Bottoms twins.
“Me and Spanky couldn’t miss in the second half,” guard Fatty Bottoms said. “East Florida jammed us in the paint, so we’d kick the ball back outside and started draining treys left and right. Then, when they started double-teaming us outside the arc, we pounded it inside to Rusty Goby and let him crash the boards.”
“Next thing we knew, we were on a 16-1 run and the Fire Ants players were hanging their heads,” Spanky Bottoms said. “Folks wrote us off? We feed on that. We’re Cinderella, and enjoying every minute of this. And we’ll keep on dancing tonight.”
The EFCC head coach praised the Mantis Shrimp.
“Hats off to them. They made the adjustment and we didn’t,” coach Danny Hamlet said. “Nothing worse than getting knocked out in the play-in. Well, actually, there’s lots of worse things, but this’s still damn disappointing.”
Rosie Blenny organized an impromptu watch party for tonight’s first-round game.
“We’re all getting together at the Sand Spit Bar to cheer on the Shrimp,” she said. “We’re not settling for a one-and-done. Two more wins and we’re in the Sweet 16!”
The Mantis Shrimp, in only their second season fielding an NCAA team, swept the Western Caribbean Athletic Conference tournament to secure their spot in the play-in game. Their next game will be tonight at 7 p.m. against one-seed University of Houston.
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Blacktip Island Weather
Sunday, March 17, 2024
Temperature: 81
Humidity: 68%
Precipitation: Seriously?
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Spy Balloon Has Blacktip Islanders Panicking
An unidentified object floating over Blacktip Island’s southern bluff has island residents worried it’s a surveillance device launched to spy on them. (photo courtesy of Jeanne)
An observation balloon hovering high above Blacktip Island this week has residents concerned about the balloon’s origin, its purpose and its controllers.
“The dog was the first to notice it,” Rusty Bollard said. “Started howling something awful. I ran out to see what the commotion was about, and he’s staring up at some white speck way up high. Reminded me of that Chinese spy balloon last year, so I sounded the alarm.
“Nothing to interest Chinese spies on Blacktip, so most of us reckon it’s our government trying to spot lobster and conch poachers,” Bollard said. “It’s their new way to double-secret keep an eye on the marine park. Using public money to harass private citizens. It’s not right.”
Marine parks officials denied the claim.
“We can protect the park just fine,” marine parks spokesperson Val Schrader said. “We know who the poachers are and keep an eye on them. Hell, we’re lucky when we have gas money for the patrol boat. Where would we get the cash to buy a spy balloon?”
Others were convinced foreign governments are behind the object.
“Nothing worth spying on here . . . or is there?” Paloma Fairlead said. “Seems to be hanging out over the south end. Probly some secret base up on the bluff Cuba’s surveilling. And missles, I’ll bet, like the one the U.S. hid in the church steeple years ago. Or it’s the U.S. spying on Cuba. In any case, it’s got folks scared.”
Some locals suspect a more sinister motive.
“They’re usin’ arrays hangin’ underneath it for mind control, pure and simple,” Linford Blenny said. “Global Illuminati’s all around us. Never know who they are, but they’re set on brainwashin’ us all. And hacking our internet servers to steal passwords and bankin’ info. I wrapped my modem in three layers of foil, just to be safe.”
Island authorities were less concerned.
“For anyone to succeed at mind control on this island, they’d have to first find a mind,” government watchdog Wade Soote said. “Everybody on this little rock is totally safe. My bet, it’s a puff of cirrus cloud caught in a vortex that keeps it swirling around in place. I keep telling folks to ignore it—it’ll go away. And if it doesn’t, well, then we’ll all be enslaved by lizard people before the weekend’s out.”
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Blacktip Island Weather
Sunday, March 3, 2024
Temperature: 79
Humidity: 61%
Precipitation: Not today
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The Blacktip Times 