genetic engineering | The Blacktip Times

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October 30, 2015 · 7:14 am

Mutant Pumpkin Mishaps Mar Halloween Carving Contest

Genetically-modified pumpkins seized by the World Agency for Nuclear Regulation after multiple explosions at Blacktip Island’s Jack-Off pumpkin carving contest sent more than 10 people to the island clinic. (Photo by Lee Paxton)

A series of carving mishaps at Blacktip Island’s 31^st Annual Jack-Off pumpkin carving contest left 11 people injured at the island’s Heritage House Thursday evening. Event organizers blame genetically-modified pumpkins donated by Tiperon-University Blacktip.

“The TU-B horticulture and nuclear science departments developed these fast-growing, super-sized pumpkins they gave us to try,” Jack-Off organizer Jay valve said. “As soon as the first knife broke the skin of that first pumpkin, BLAM! We had pumpkin goo raining down in a 30-foot radius.

“Folks laughed at the first one, then two more pumpkins blew up,” Valve said. “When fifth one exploded, people finally put their knives down and backed away. I mean, those suckers went off like cans of pork-and-beans in a campfire.”

TU-B scientists were stunned by the events.

“None of our theoretical models indicated that kind of rapid increase in volume or release of energy,” TU-B nuclear science department chair Ernesto Mojarra said. “Our working hypothesis is these new third-generation pumpkins developed a thicker skin that trapped the quick-maturing internal elements under a much higher pressure.

“It retrospect, we should have anticipated some volatility issues,” Mojarra said. “Raising a seed to a Volkwagen-sized pumpkin the three days, there had to be a trade off.”

Onlookers and contestants, some as young as 10 years old, are still in shock.

“Little Jimmy Bottoms took a blast straight to his face,” carver Ginger Bass said. “They’re still picking seeds out of his forehead, and I’m still blind in the blue-green range.

“No one warned us these things were dangerous,” Bass said. “I mean, sure, they glowed in the dark, but it’s Halloween. We didn’t think anything of it. Now little Jimmy glows in the dark, too. Someone needs to be held accountable.”

The World Agency for Nuclear Regulation has cordoned off the Heritage House grounds, citing public safety concerns.

“That site is red hot,” agency spokesperson Clay Geiger said. “Whatever was done to those pumpkins, we’re getting pings as far away as Jamaica. There’s no way the researchers didn’t know their gourds were dangerous.”

TU-B officials bristled at the criticism.

“It’s slander, these rumors the university donated the gourds as part of some double-blind study,” Mojarra said. “It was an unfortunate accident. Period. People are overlooking the positive in all this.

“Blast victims are showing unexpected secondary healing for a wide range of symptoms,” Mojarra said. “The Bottoms boy’s hyperthyroidism is gone, and Rocky Shores regained complete use of his right hand. We can’t undo the damage these gourds caused, but our hope is, with the right marketing, they’ll be able to ease some of the world’s suffering.”

Mutant Crabs Protect Blacktip Island’s Reefs

Genetically-modified channel crabs, escapees from Cuban biological labs, are now protecting Blacktip Island’s marine parks.

The Tiperon Island Marine Parks Department Friday confirmed reports it is using laboratory-bred channel crabs to protect Blacktip Island’s dive sites against scuba diver-related damage, tasking the crustaceans with pinching divers who come in contact with the Caribbean island’s fragile reefs.

The crabs, larger and more aggressive than wild channel crabs, are a byproduct of the genetic research of famed Cuban geneticist Pellizco de Cangrejo, Tiperon University-Blacktip biology professor Ernesto Mojarra said.

“It’s a gene-splicing experiment gone horribly wrong,” Mojarra said. “Instead of big, tasty crabs, they ended up with big, mean ones. Then the crabs broke out of the lab and took over the reefs. For a short time they controlled significant portions of Old Havana.

“Trade winds and currents carried some of them to Blacktip Island’s reefs, where they’ve become intractable.”

“These suckers are nasty,” said marine parks spokesperson Val Schrader said. “They’ll defend their territory to the death. We’re lucky we’ve been able to recruit them to our side.

“Scuba tourism’s our life’s blood, but reef-crashing divers are fast destroying that,” Schrader said. “We have to take action. One touch from a careless diver can kill an entire coral head. We’re strapped for cash, or we’d hire more officers. With these crabs onboard, well, it’s win-win. The reefs are safe, and we don’t have to pay wages or benefits.”

Local reaction to the news has been positive.

“We’ve had the crabs for years,” Club Scuba Doo dive operations manager Finn Kiick said. “They’re more of a nuisance than anything. We can’t get rid of them, so we might as well embrace them.”

“Recreational divers have to learn: you touch coral, you pay the price,” Blacktip Haven owner Elena Havens said. “You think a stingray hickey’s bad? Wait ‘til you get a Cuban crab pinch.”

Scuba diving visitors, however, are furious.

“These monsters have been leaving us bruised and bloody for years,” longtime Blacktip Island dive guest Buddy Brunnez said. “Now, to find the government’s sponsored it? It’s like a bad horror movie. Trip Advisor’s getting some scathing reviews about this. We pay good money to dive here. We can touch anything we want.”

Meanwhile, island dive shops are making the most of the situation.

“We’re selling Peak Performance Buoyancy courses like hotcakes,” Eagle Ray Divers operations manager Ger Latner said. “It’s amazing how motivating a 450 foot-pound pinch in the shorts can be. Our Crab Diving specialty courses are jam packed, too.”

Marine Parks officials would not confirm rumors of other marine life being trained to safeguard the island’s reefs.

“Moray eels chomp divers all the time,” Schrader said. “And it’s not uncommon for pike blennies to take a chunk of flesh from a diver who strays too close. That’s just coincidence. Reef life protecting itself.”