Blacktip Island Elects Hermit Crab Mayor

Neville the hermit crab is Blacktip Island’s new mayor. Neville’s know-nothing, do-nothing policies appealed to local environmentalists as well as to the island’s crustaceans.

Neville the hermit crab is Blacktip Island’s new mayor. Neville’s know-nothing, do-nothing policies appealed to local environmentalists as well as to the island’s crustaceans.

An overwhelming majority of Blacktip Island voters Thursday elected popular hermit crab, Neville, as mayor. Neville received 83 percent of the Caribbean island’s popular vote to incumbent Jack Cobia’s 16 percent.

“The margin of victory is especially impressive considering there’s only 112 people on the island,” Supervisor of Elections Suzie Souccup said. “And most of them were too drunk to vote.”

“We got tired of politicians promising the moon and sun, then reneging when they take office,” Blacktip resident Nelson Seagroves said. “Now we’ve elected a mayor who won’t lie, cheat or steal.

“Neville’s the ultimate insider the island needs. He’s lived on Blacktip Island all his life, and his family’s been here generations. He knows the community and its issues inside and out.”

“The best thing is he works for peanuts,” Club Scuba Doo general manager Polly Parrett said. “Well, cracked-open coconuts, anyway. And he won’t take a bribe. He’s not physically capable.”

Neville’s opponents are outraged.

“This is a travesty and a mockery of the democratic process,” outgoing mayor Jack Cobia said. “We’re talking about a damn crab who has no policies and can’t even talk. ‘Crab of the people’ my hind foot. It’s a vast crustacean conspiracy, pure and simple.”

“After the last few mayors, someone who does nothing will be a nice change,” Neville supporter Gage Hoase said. “If he doesn’t do anything, he can’t screw up anything.”

Some business leaders worry Neville’s election will put the brakes on the island’s recent development boom.

“He’s a soldier crab. He loves the sea grapes,” Skerritt Construction’s Ferris Skerritt said. “His kind live under the dead leaves. First thing he’ll do is ban anyone cutting trees. If we can’t clear land, we can’t build houses. That kind of extremism’ll kill the island’s economy.”

Other locals worry the new administration will curtail traditional pastimes.

“He’s anti-fishing, I guarantee you that,” Dermott Bottoms said. “What soldier crab isn’t? He lost too many friends and family as snapper bait. He outlaws fishing, how we gonna feed our families? And what’ll we do while we drink beer?”

Most locals, however, are taking a wait-and-see attitude.

“It’s not a big deal,” Eagle Ray Cove bartender Mallory LaTrode said. “It’s Blacktip. People here sort things out among themselves anyway. What has me worried is our new vice-mayor is a black widow spider.”

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