Tag Archives: Divemaster

World War Two Aircraft Found On Blacktip Island Reef

Divemaster Alison Diesel investigates airplane wreckage from the World War Two Battle of the Blacktip Sea.

Divemaster Alison Diesel investigates airplane wreckage from the World War Two Battle of the Blacktip Sea.

Divemasters scuba diving off Blacktip Island’s rugged east coast Wednesday discovered the wreckage of an airplane believed downed in the World War Two Battle of the Blacktip Sea.

“We was looking at a stingray when we seen the wings and undercarriage,” Eagle Ray Cove divemaster Lee Helm said. “We brushed the rubbish off and there was the Tiperon Air Corp’s roundel, plain as my hand.”

“Those storms last week blasted out all kinds of sand, I guess,” said divemaster Alison Diesel. “I mean, we’d dove there before and never seen anything but fish and coral.”

The wreckage matches photos of the island’s Piper Cub mail plane shot down as it delivered the fatal blow to the invading Axis flagship.

“The Battle of the Blacktip Sea was minor, but decisive,” said island historian Smithson Altschul. “The Italians hoped to gain a foothold in Cuba. All that stood in their way was Blacktip Island and the Tiperon navy’s light frigate Frigate. It was outgunned and outnumbered by the Italian pocket destroyers Fianchetto and Giuoco Piano.

“Islanders loaded the mail plane with Molotov cocktails made from grain alcohol and rum bottles,” Altschul said. “The last bomb dropped took out the Fianchetto’s bridge just as the Piper got hit.”

“Mama seen it,” Dermott Bottoms said. “Said folks thought it was a fireworks show ‘til they heard hollering in Italian. After, any enemy sailors swam to shore, folks whacked ‘em with conchs and stuffed ‘em in the turtle kraal.”

The Tiperon government has declared the area around the wreckage a heritage site and banned scuba diving to discourage souvenir collectors. Local dive entrepreneurs Sandy Bottoms and Rich Skerritt, however, are lobbying to turn the site into a pay-per-dive scuba park with interpretive tours.

“This is our heritage,” Skerritt said. “We got a right to access. Got Battle Diver specialty courses lined up, you know. In English and Italian. The fees’ll raise money for more exploration. And other things.”

Island officials, meanwhile, commemorated the find by declaring a new public holiday.

“August was the only month without a bank holiday,” island mayor Jack Cobia said. “It screamed for one. Hell, April has two holidays. This first-ever Battle Day’ll be a blast!”

Holiday festivities are works in progress, organized by local residents.

“Gonna start with a round-robin Boobies and Frigates tournament with lawn darts out back of the Last Ballyhoo,” said local James Conlee. “There’s free beer for all team members, and a free kamikaze shot if you get hit.”

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Blacktip Island Resort To Charge Per Fish Seen

Spotting a stingray just got more expensive with Eagle Ray Divers' new pay-per-fish pricing.

Spotting a stingray just got more expensive with Eagle Ray Divers’ new pay-per-fish pricing.

Blacktip Island’s Eagle Ray Divers has launched a new dive pricing model designed to aid the Caribbean island’s marine laboratory’s fish population studies.

“Historically, reef fish surveys have been sporadic and of questionable reliability,” Blacktip Aquatic Research Station director Olive Beaugregory said. “The program we worked out with ERD will give us daily, accurate population counts from the island’s most-dived sites.”

“We’re charging divers by how many fish they see,” Eagle Ray Divers operations manager Ger Latner said. “Our divemasters have charts with check boxes to debrief dive guests as soon as they climb back on the boats.

“It’s a set fee per fish, with a sliding scale according to species,” Latner said. “We charge more for the good stuff. You see a parrotfish? That’s $1. A stingray’s $5. A green moray’s $7.50. You see a whale shark? Open up your wallet.”

The model’s creators assured scuba diving guests the plan isn’t as radical as it sounds.

“We’ve simply unbundled the dive experience,” Eagle Ray Cove resort owner Rich Skerritt said. “Divers who kneel in the sand and watch jawfish are a lot less work for our divemasters than yahoos who motor across three dive sites trying to see everything. It’s a safety issue.

“We’re happy to give the research station the data it needs,” Skerritt said. “And if we happen to increase our profit margin in the process, well, that can’t be helped.”

The Eagle Ray Divers staff say the new pricing has already made their jobs easier.

“It’s cut down the posers who come up claiming they saw seahorses, frogfish and nudibranchs,” Eagle Ray Divers divemaster Gage Hoase said. “They don’t make that B.S. up if they know it’ll cost them, and we don’t have to deal with the rest of the divers hacked off because they think we didn’t show them something.”

Dive guests were less enthusiastic.

“When they told me there’s a dollar sign on each fish, I told them I didn’t see a damn thing,” Eagle Ray Divers guest Al Flagg said. “Can I help it if my mask was fogged, you know what I mean?”

Eagle Ray Cove’s Skerritt wasn’t concerned about possible loopholes.

“Some smart-ass says he saw nothing, we’ll charge him whatever we charge the top spotter on that dive,” Skerritt said.

“We’re also kicking around a complainer surcharge,” Latner said. “You come back carping about a bad dive when everyone else loved it, we’ll slap a reef shark or two on your bill.”

Neither Skerritt nor Latner would comment on reports Eagle Ray Divers had cancelled charters by several blind dive clubs.

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Blacktip Island Hosts Annual Stupid Question Contest

The 2015 Stupid Guest Question Invitational winner will receive the coveted My Teeth Hurt Necklace of Shame as well as free drinks and diving.

The 2015 Stupid Guest Question Invitational winner will receive the coveted My Teeth Hurt Necklace of Shame as well as free drinks and diving.

Eagle Ray Cove resort will host Blacktip Island’s 13th annual Stupid Guest Question Invitational Saturday.

Contestants are nominated by Blacktip Island’s dive staffs based on the most cringe-worthy inquiries from scuba diving guests during the past year.

“People who say, ‘there’s no such thing as a stupid question’ have never worked a dive boat,” Eagle Ray Divers operations manager Ger Latner said. “Some of these people, I swear, they leave their brains at home when they come down here.”

“We get some doozies,” Club Scuba Doo dive manager Finn Kiick said. “We jot them down in a notebook, then when it’s nomination time, out comes the book and, voila, we have a field day.”

Contestants will dress in suitable scuba attire, stand on the stern of a dive boat tied to the Eagle Ray Divers dock, and repeat their question for a dockside audience. The winner will be chosen by audience reaction.

“It’s frightening, really,” Sandy Bottoms divemaster Lee Helm said. “I mean, these are doctors, attorneys, captains of industry. And these words actually come out their mouths.”

Last year’s top questions included:

  • “Does the island go all the way to the bottom?”
  • “Why’s the ocean taste salty?”
  • “How long does an hour massage last?”
  • “Do the small tanks hold less air than the big ones?”
  • “What does coconut rum taste like?”
  • “What island is this?”
  • “So, you’re saying it’s bad to go into decompression?”

The winner will be awarded the My Teeth Hurt Necklace of Shame and have his or her mouth duct taped shut for the remainder of the evening.

“We usually throw in drinks and some free diving for the winner, too,” Eagle Ray Divers’ Latner said. “But they’re not allowed to ask any more questions.”

The prizes have made the contest a guest favorite, with most competitors excited to be chosen.

“You have to realize all these questions, in context, seem quite reasonable at the time,” said 2014 Invitational champion Georgie Passaic, who won with, ‘Was that an eel or a lobster?’

“Hell, I ask my wife stupider questions than that every day,” Passaic said.

“You could’ve knocked me over with a feather when I got nominated,” 2015 contestant Suzy Souccup said. “Sure, it’s a little embarrassing, but maybe now I’ll finally get an answer to what you call those fish that fly.”

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Public Works to Launch Shore Divers From Quarry

A sinkhole at Blacktip Island’s limestone quarry has been converted into a state of the art shore diving entry point.

A sinkhole at Blacktip Island’s limestone quarry has been converted into a state of the art shore diving entry point.

A setback at Blacktip Island’s limestone quarry has yielded unexpected benefits for scuba divers after a local entrepreneur converted a sinkhole into a shore diving entry site.

“That hole opened up when we were blasting,” said Department of Public Works chief Dusty Rhodes. “I mean, BOOM! And water spewed up like Old Faithful. Flooded the quarry. Sunk three gravel trucks.”

“Damned if we didn’t tap into a flue that runs out to the sea,” Rhodes said. “Whole site was a total write off until ol’ Doc Plank stepped in.”

“This limestone chute’s a stroke of luck,” Bamboo You dive equipment founder Piers ‘Doc’ Plank said. “Too often rough seas make beach entries and exits impossible for scuba divers. With this tunnel starting a quarter mile inland and coming out 40 feet deep on the wall, shore divers can get in and out safely 365 days a year.”

The tunnel was modified to further ensure diver safety.

“We’ve rigged a hydraulic piston to whoosh divers out the chute to eliminate the danger of a half-mile cave dive,” Plank said. “To bring divers back in, we just reverse the process.”

Island divemasters volunteered to test the launch and retrieval system.

“First time, I shot out like a torpedo,” divemaster Alison Diesel said. “Scared the bejesus out of a reef shark, and I’m still trying to get the inside of my wetsuit clean.”

“When they suck you back, you pop out that chute like a cork from a champagne bottle,” divemaster Gage Hoase said. “This morning Lee Helm did a double gainer before he dropped back in. It was beautiful to watch. From a distance.”

Bamboo You has produced a variety of chute-specific bamboo diving accessories including helmets, neck braces and body armor. They will also offer a cleaning service for soiled wetsuits.

Plank and Rhodes said divers who don’t wish to dive in the ocean are welcome.

“Most people learn to scuba in a quarry, then come dive in the warm Caribbean,” Plank said. “Well, here you can learn in the ocean, then dive in a quarry. For a fee, of course.”

“We’re stocking the place with carp and catfish,” Rhodes said. “And we got a line on an old school bus and a couple-three lawn mowers we’ll add to the sunken gravel trucks to enhance the quarry experience.”

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Blacktip Island Resort Beams Up Weighty Divers

Scuba divers are lifted from the water and onto Eagle Ray Divers’ Barjack dive boat following Thursday’s afternoon dive. (photo courtesy Steve Dingledein)

Scuba divers are lifted from the water and onto an Eagle Ray Divers dive boat following Thursday’s afternoon dive. (photo courtesy Steve Dingledein)

In a move that has angered many Blacktip Island scuba diving guests, Eagle Ray Divers is using an experimental tractor beam to lift scuba divers wearing too much lead weight back onto the resort’s dive boats.

Divers claim the device’s use is aimed at weighty divers, not the divers’ weights.

“It was mortifying,” Eagle Ray Cove guest Bud Turbot said. “Thinner divers were allowed to climb back onboard on their own, but us fuller-sized folks, they made us be beamed aboard while everyone gawked. My wife’s still in tears. It’s size-ism, pure and simple.”

Eagle Ray Divers operations manager Ger Latner denied the claims.

“It’s not an indictment of our divers,” Latner said. “It’s about our insurance premiums and divemaster durability. These people cram their BCs with 18, 20 pounds of integrated weight. No way our staff can handle those things day in, day out on a rocking boat without doing themselves major damage.”

“We tried asking guests to take their weight pockets out,” said Eagle Ray Divers divemaster Gage Hoase. “A few do, but most refuse. One over-weighted BC at the wrong time can end a divemaster’s career.

“This gizmo’s a game changer,” Hoase said. “Not swapping over weight-integrated BCs means no mangled backs or blown elbows.”

Eagle Ray Cove resort management enlisted the aid of local scientists after a rash of dive staff injuries.

“Our attraction beam prototype was at the trial stage,” said Tiperon University-Blacktip magneto-gravitic engineering professor Stina Ray. “Hauling in divers provides the perfect beta test. And if it keeps people from getting hurt, that’s an added bonus.

“We installed the beam generators on Ger’s boats, and his staff records the raw mass, distance and erg data for us,” Ray said. “The dive leaders say it works on divers who exceed their profile times, too.”

Eagle Ray Cove’s dive guests remain outraged.

“That beam thingy snatches you up any which way,” diver Leah Shore said. “If you’re not perfectly upright in the water when it locks on, it’ll haul you aboard ass over appetite, with the whole boat laughing at you. And what happens if that thing gives out mid-lift? They don’t mention that in the briefings.”

Eagle Ray Divers’ Latner was unapologetic.

“Something had to be done,” Latner said. “These human anchors were breaking my divemasters faster than I could hire them. You don’t want to be beamed up? Learn proper buoyancy. And skipping the dessert buffet wouldn’t hurt, either.”

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Divemaster Strike Closes Blacktip Island Reefs


Protesters have blocked the Blacktip Island airstrip, preventing resort owners from flying in replacement divemasters.


In a move sending shock waves through the Caribbean scuba diving community, dive staff at all Blacktip Island’s resorts have gone on strike demanding better compensation.

“We tried talking to the resort owners rationally,” Divemaster’s Local #138 president Finn Kiick said. “They turned a deaf ear. Now we’re playing hardball, shutting down the dive sites. We’re the ones who built up these dive operations and keep them running every day while the owners sip champagne.

“They’re exploiting us, and their greed perpetuates the economic gulf in the island’s society.”

“Exploiting, hell,” Sandy Bottoms Beach Resort owner Sandy Bottoms said. “We give these people jobs, pay their wages. They want a scapegoat for their personal failings and lit on us.”

“What proper society isn’t greedy?” Eagle Ray Cove owner Rich Skerritt said. “Greed transformed this island from mass subsistence to mass prosperity. Left to their own devices, these damn scuba hippies wouldn’t know enough to come in out of the rain.”

At the heart of the strike is the divemasters’ pay and benefits.

“We get whacked in the face with peed-in wetsuits,” union president Kiick said. “We get weight belts and scuba tanks dropped on our feet. We laugh at the same stupid jokes week-in and week-out. All without complaint.

“We’re simply asking for a livable wage. And health insurance that includes mental health coverage,” Kiick said. “Mental stability’s a huge issue on this island.”

“They need to stop the drug and alcohol testing, as well,” said union member Lee Helm. “That’s pure systemic repression, that is.”

The strike has left island dive guests furious.

“I save up money all year to come diving, and these yahoos shut down the dive sites?” a Sandy Bottoms Beach Resort guest said. “Hell, I’d do their job for free!”

“We tried letting guests act as divemasters and boat captains,” Blacktip Haven owner Elena Havens said. “We lost a group of eight divers the first morning and had to drag our boat off the reef. We’ve had our guests watching old Sea Hunt episodes in full scuba gear ever since.”

“We’re flying in replacement staff from the big island,” Eagle Ray Cove’s Skerritt said. “For every union-boy, there’s a hundred divemasters begging to take their place. We’ve cut off our dive staff’s bar privileges, too.”

Union organizers have responded by blocking the island’s lone airstrip.

“We have picketers lined up three deep across the runway,” Kiick said. “They can’t bring in scabs if they can’t land an airplane. We have picketers on scuba at all the dive sites, too, in case guests get the notion to shore dive.”

In the interim, resort owners have hired local residents to fill in as dive staff.

“I usually drive the garbage truck,” island resident James Conlee said. “Hauling tourists can’t be that different.”

“I’ll lead dives myself before I knuckle under to these Bolsheviks,” Skerritt said. “They’ll be begging to shovel iguana crap by the time I’m done with them!”

“If guests understood the issues, they’d back us 100 percent,” picketer Helm said. “Plus, if football players making £5 million to work half a year can go on strike, why can’t we?”

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Divemaster to Make Giant Stride Entry From Space

Divemaster Marina DeLow will splash down on Blacktip Island's Jawfish Reef Sunday after making a giant stride entry from a capsule at the edge of space. (photo courtesy of Stefan97)

Divemaster Marina DeLow will splash down on Blacktip Island’s Jawfish Reef Sunday after making a giant stride entry from a capsule at the edge of space. (photo courtesy of Stefan97)

Inspired by 2012’s record-setting space jump, Blacktip Island dive leader Marina DeLow will perform a giant stride scuba entry from the edge of space, splash down on an island dive site, then complete a recreational scuba dive this weekend.

“I grew up wanting to be an astronaut, and I love diving,” said DeLow, a divemaster at Eagle Ray Cove resort. “What better way to combine both passions? It’ll be the first time anyone’s gone from above the troposphere to below the troposphere with one step.

“We do giant strides from elevated piers all the time. This is really the same thing, just with more hang time.”

DeLow will splash down at Halyard Wall on Blacktip Island’s west coast, then do a 45-minute open-circuit dive before surfacing.

“The angle has to be just right,” said Dr. Azul Tang, head of DeLow’s jump support team. “She hits vertical, she’ll bottom out 260 feet down the wall; too oblique, she’ll skip across the water like a stone. She bounced four times and did a double-gainer in last week’s practice drop.

“Seventy-one point two degrees off vertical should put her at 53 feet of depth. That’s our goal.”

The European Space Agency (Agence spatiale européenne) has donated the balloon to lift DeLow 120,000 feet into the stratosphere. Eagle Ray Divers has donated a specially-modified dive boat for use as a gondola.

“The Guinness World Record folks said it won’t count as a giant stride unless it’s from a boat,” Eagle Ray Divers ops manager Ger Latner said, “so the Skipjack’ll be the first dive boat in space. We’ve about used up the island’s supply of 10-mil Visqueen and duct tape. And explosive bolts.”

Kevlar scuba fins will give DeLow additional maneuverability while airborne. The Kevlar will also resist burning up on entry.

Island dive operators plan to avoid the island’s west coast for the duration of DeLow’s jump window.

“We trust her aim and all,” Blacktip Haven resort owner Elena Havens said. “But if she hits our boat, well, we don’t have the staff for that kind of repair. Or clean up.”

DeLow isn’t worried.

“I’ve already written up lesson plans for a new specialty course,” she said. “NAUI, PADI and SSI instructors will also be able to incorporate it into their existing Altitude Diving courses.”

Eagle Ray Divers’ Latner is optimistic as well.

“If she survives, and the insurance company gives us the OK, we’ll make space diving one of our regular dive offerings,” he said.

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World Cup Fever Sweeps Blacktip Island

Blacktip officials hope to avoid rioting during the Caribbean island’s World Cup-inspired football tournament.

Blacktip officials hope to avoid rioting during the Caribbean island’s World Cup-inspired football tournament.

Teams of locals and expatriates representing their native countries will square off this weekend in the opening round of Blacktip Island’s Island Cup football tournament.

“It’s the World Cup in miniature,” Island Cup organizer Frank Maples said. “We’ve teams representing every nationality on the island at present.”

As ever, the Tiperon Islands squad is the prohibitive favorite, followed closely by England and Côte d’Ivoire. In the most intriguing first-round matchup, the Tiperons will face Montenegro in a repeat of last tourney’s semi-final match.

“Montenegrins play dirty, now” Tiperon captain Antonio Fletcher said. “Always have. There’ll be blood on the pitch after that one. But we’re ready for them.”

England, too, has drawn a tough first-round match against dark-horse Tonga.

“On paper, we should have an easy enough match,” England captain Lee Helm said. “We have 20 or so divemasters and barmen to draw from, and there’s only one Tongan on island.

“He’s a feisty git, though. And fast. He made it to the quarterfinals last year. And he doesn’t drink, so that gives him an edge. Sobriety’s a performance-enhancing drug on this island.”

As ever, the United States team is expected to make an early exit.

“They forfeited their first-round match last tournament when they failed to show,” Frank Maples said.

This year, the American side is still nonplussed.

“World Cup? Whatever.” Team USA midfielder Joey Pompano said. “What kind of game lets you end in a tie? Call us when the World Series starts. Or when you’re ready to play real football.”

All matches will be at Tiperon Airways Memorial Stadium.

“‘Stadium’ is strong,” Maples said. “It’s one end of the grass landing strip, really. We schedule matches between the airline’s landings and take offs.”

Organizers hope to avoid the violence of last tourney’s final between Tiperon and Honduras, when fans raged down the island’s street trampling shrubbery, scuffing storm shutters and burning three bicycles.

“Problem was the officiating,” Antonio Fletcher said. “Not to point fingers, you know, but a lot of conch changed hands before that match.”

“We’ve asked the island constabulary to officiate the matches this year,” Maples said. “We’ll also be serving complimentary beer at Diddley’s Landing, making sure the crowd’s there. There’s nothing for them to destroy on a cement pier. And if matters get out of hand, we can simply push the rowdies into the sea.”

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Underwater Opera Debuts on Blacktip Island

Hand-crafted costumes for “Nudibranch: The Operetta.”

Hand-crafted costumes for ‘Nudibranch: The Operetta.’

The Blacktip Island Community Players kick off their summer musical series Saturday with ‘Nudibranch: The Operatta,’ written by local divemasters and performed entirely underwater.

Plexiglas helmets will provide the airspace for actors to sing.

“We wanted something colorful and festive to celebrate summer,” musical director Doris Blenny said. “And what’s more festive than multicolored sea slugs?

“I’m continually astounded by the operatic and dramatic talent among dive staffs on this little island. We’re fast becoming the La Scala of the Caribbean.”

Original songs include:

  • Slime Trails in the Moonlight
  • Gastropod Gurls
  • Cerata, Cerata
  • Tough Enough For A Butt-Tuft
  • Sea Goddess in the Sand
  • I’m a Slight, Bright, Undersea Hermaphrodite
  • Three Nudibranchs on the Reef Are We

“The idea was to perform open-air,” Blenny said. “But then we thought, what better stage for sea slug-themed light opera than the reef itself?”

“Underwater is the proper setting,” co-writer and mezzo-soprano Catarina Porto said. “The water slows our movements and makes us more slug-like. The realism is uncanny.”

“It cuts down on drunks crashing the show, too,” said co-writer and contralto Alison Diesel. “That’s what ruined last year’s ‘Pirates of Penzance.’ I mean, it added realism and all, but it wasn’t right.”

“All the actors created their own costumes from locally-sourced materials,” costume master and tenor Payne Hanover said. “Some are coming up with colors and tuft configurations I honestly don’t think exist in nature. But that’s where art stops imitating life, I suppose, and we’re all about that.”

Limited kneeling will be available in the island’s underwater theater. Overflow seating and a live transmission will be available at the Sand Spit bar.

“The trick was finding a time when there was no hockey, basketball, baseball, rugby, soccer or cricket being broadcast,” Sand Spit bartender Corrie Anders said. “We tried to show the fall musical on a Saturday afternoon last year and a bunch of West Virginia University football fans about tore the place apart.”

Proceeds from the production will go to the Offenbach Scholarship for island divemasters bound for the Juilliard School.

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Sandy Bottoms to Host Divemaster Decathlon

Scuba cylinders at Sandy Bottoms’ Beach Resort stand ready for this weekend’s Divemaster Decathlon sponsored by Assmonkey Ale.

Scuba cylinders at Sandy Bottoms’ Beach Resort stand ready for this weekend’s Divemaster Decathlon sponsored by Assmonkey Ale.

Blacktip Island’s top divemasters will converge on Sandy Bottoms’ Beach Resort this weekend for the Assmonkey Ale Divemaster Decathalon. The winner will go on to compete in the Caribbean Regional in July.

“We’ve been training like scalded rats,” Eagle Ray Divers divemaster Gage Hoase said. “Marina, there, can swap over six fill-whips in five seconds flat.”

“The dark horses are the DMs from Blacktip Haven,” divemaster Marina DeLow said. “They’re cagey, they’re wiry and, with the resort sequestered in the interior as it is, we’ve no idea what sort of training regimen they’re using or what times they’re recording.”

As per the International Divemaster Decathlon rules, half the events will be conducted on a rocking dive boat moored offshore and half on the resort’s pier.

On-boat events include:

  • switching three Zeagle BCDs with 20 pounds of integrated weights from one cylinder to another,
  • running a slalom course through a rack of peed-in wetsuits while carrying four dive bags,
  • fishing a hat from the water with a boat hook,
  • unclogging the boat’s marine toilet (simulated feces provided by the Peter Paul candy company), and
  • dodging a variety of weight belts and weight pouches thrown at their bare feet.

Dockside events include:

  • filling one round of scuba cylinders and switching the fill whips to fresh tanks,
  • pounding 10 backed-out dock nails back into place using a scuba cylinder,
  • bandaging three toes with duct tape, and
  • answering a stupid question from a randomly-chosen dive guest.

“Last year Finn Kiick clinched the win on, ‘What does coconut rum taste like?’” Sandy Bottoms’ divemaster Joey Pompano said. “Without batting an eye, Finn said, ‘Chicken.’”

In place of the final floor exercises, each contestant will have 60 seconds to look as cool as possible. Degree of difficulty will be factored in as judges deem fit.

All competitors will be required to consume one 12-ounce beer between each event.

“Competition’s getting tougher, and younger, every year,” Eagle Ray Divers’ Hoase said. “The top scores from 10 years ago wouldn’t even qualify today. And this is just the sub-regional.”

All contestants will receive Assmonkey Ale t-shirts. Runners-up will receive a case of Assmonkey and discount coupons for back surgery and liver transplants.

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