Tag Archives: humor

August 18, 2017 · 7:37 am

Vehicle Ban Aims To Save Blacktip Island’s Tranquility

vehicle ban

Automobiles on Blacktip Island will be harder to come by after the island’s council voted to limit the number of motor vehicles on the small Caribbean island. (photo by Samson Post/Blacktip Times staff)

In a 2-1 vote Wednesday, the Blacktip Island Council opted to limit the number of motor vehicles on the Caribbean island in what backers called an attempt to keep the 100-resident island true to its rustic roots.

“We’re saving Blacktip’s charm,” council member Maxie Fondé said. “Visitors come here for quiet, unspoiled nature. Cars and trucks and scooters take away from that.”

Other ban supporters cited population concerns.

“The island’s getting too crowded,” council member Clete Horn said. “Last week I had to stop at the stop sign. Today I had to use my turn signal. Twice. If I wanted to deal with that kind of hassle, I’d live in Miami.

“You used to be able to tell who was coming down the road just by the sound of the car,” Horn said. “Now, I don’t recognize half of them by sight. Any more cars, we’ll be putting up traffic lights. And crosswalks”

The ban limits households and businesses to one vehicle, provided a compelling reason to have a vehicle can be shown.

“Construction companies or Public Works, they need their trucks,” Fondé said. “Divemasters or bar staff that live a mile from the resort? They can ride bikes. Or walk.”

Many businesses owners oppose the ban.

“We’re supposed to get all our guests to and from the airfield in one van?” dissenting council member and Eagle Ray Cove resort owner Rich Skerritt said. “They’re hamstringing my livelihood. If Maxie and Clete don’t like cars, let them walk. I’m not giving up my vehicles.”

Many residents, though, expect the ban to be good for the island.

“Fewer cars means less pollution, less used motor oil and auto batteries in the dump,” resident Goby Graysby said. “They should make the law stricter and only allow Smart cars. Embarrassment would keep people from wanting to drive.”

Others residents concurred.

“We’re going to use a donkey cart to takes guests to and from the air strip,” Blacktip Haven resort owner Elena Havens said. “The guests’ll love it and it’s eco-friendly. Plus, we can also rent it out for kiddie rides when business gets slow.”

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August 11, 2017 · 8:14 am

Underwater Rock Climbing Comes To Blacktip Island

underwater rock climbing

Underwater rock climbers scout Slubberdudgeon Wall on Blacktip Island’s southeast coast prior to a climb Thursday afternoon. (photo courtesy of Derek Keats)

Scuba divers on Blacktip Island can now do more than look at fish after Club Scuba Doo resort launched an underwater rock climbing program this week.

“We’ve got to attract a younger, hipper crowd,” Scuba Doo dive manager Finn Kiick said. “We’re revitalizing the sport. Underwater climbing’ll make scuba an adventure again.

“With that wall that dropping thousands of feet straight down, Blacktip’s a natural for deep-water climbing,” Kiick said. “It’s the best of both worlds. You’re on scuba, but you get the adrenalin rush of free-climbing. And with the zero-gravity feel, it’s like rock climbing on the moon.”

Other dive operators were critical of the plan.

“We spend all day telling guests not to touch coral, explaining how the slightest touch can kill a thousand-year-old coral head,” Eagle Ray Divers manager Ger Latner said. “Now we’ve got these knuckleheads encouraging divers to crawl all over it.

“They’re also gonna get divers hurt, too,” Latner said. “People looking for their next hand hold instead of their gauges? That’s a recipe for disaster.”

Club Scuba Doo management defended the program.

“We do the climbing on the southeast wall where all the coral’s dead anyway,” resort owner Ham Pilchard said. “And we don’t allow anchors or hooks of any kind. This is about as eco-friendly as you can get.

“Long-term, this is good for the reefs,” Pilchard said. “It gets young people on the reef and excited about the underwater world. We’re creating the next generation of marine ecologists here.”

Kiick stressed the sport’s safety.

“There’s been zero cases of climbers blowing no-deco limits or breathing their tank dry,” he said. “The injuries so far have been from fire coral. And scorpion fish.

“They’re hard to see, ‘til you grab them,” Kiick said. “We give our climbers Kevlar gloves and booties now, for their own protection.”

Underwater climbers had high praise for the sport.

“It’s great to be able to climb without anyone belaying,” Club Scuba Doo repeat guest Leah Shore said. “Plus, it’s fun for the whole family. We can dive with the kids one day and climb with them the next.

“For longer climbs, or deeper climbs, you can use doubles if you want,” Shore said. “There’s some phenomenal 5.12 overhangs down around 180, if you’re into techie climbing. We don’t let the kiddos do that, though.”

Resort scuba instructors will offer a range of underwater climbing specialty courses.

“You do four climbs rated 5.4 – 5.6, you get your basic Underwater Rock Climber card,” Kiick said. “For the more hardcore, we’ll be offering Trimix Climbing, Heliox Climbing and Extended Range Technical Climbing courses.”

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August 4, 2017 · 9:29 am

Resort Tells Blacktip Guests To “Fling Your Phones”

phone throwing

Mobile phones of all shapes and sizes will go flying Sunday afternoon in Eagle Ray Cove’s ‘Fling Your Phone’ contest, aimed at getting resort guests to disconnect from work while on vacation. (photo courtesy of Marina DeLow)

In an effort to help newly-arrived guests embrace their vacations, a Blacktip Island resort will launch a new, weekly ‘Fling Your Phone’ cellular telephone throwing contest Sunday afternoon at Diddley’s Landing public pier.

“People fly in here Saturdays so uptight they can’t even enjoy their free drink at the bar,” Eagle Ray Cove owner Rich Skerritt said. “Every one swears they’ll turn their phone off, and none of them ever do.

“Then last week a woman on the dock snatched the phone out of her husband’s hand and threw it as far as she could,” Skerritt said. “It was beautiful. With that arm, if she didn’t play third base, she should’ve.”

Resort staff hit on the idea of getting as many guests as possible to get rid of their phones.

“We got a lot of lukewarm smiles until we pitched it as a competition,” said divemaster and contest organizer Marina DeLow. “Then guests were fighting to see who would throw first. The ‘I Had A Fling on Blacktip Island’ t-shirt prizes help, too.

“We have separate categories for phones, tablets and laptops, and we’re thinking of adding a flip-phone category, too, for our older guests,” DeLow said. “Throwing styles are different for each. Phones you can throw overhand, but tablets fly better with a Frisbee toss. For laptops, a spinning, discus-style throw seems to work best.”

Many resort guests are grateful for Sunday’s Fling.

“I’ve been practicing with phone-sized rocks all day,” Eagle Ray Cove guest Theresa Troute said. “I know I can’t trust myself to not call work. My husband’s just as bad.

“We popped out our SIMs as soon as we got here, so we won’t lose our data,” Troute said. “Come Sunday, our phones are going flying. Thanks to the Fling, we’ll finally have a proper vacation”

Local scuba instructors will act as judges and supervise reef cleanup after the event.

“We put down ski rope transect lines across the reef so we can accurately measure where each device lands,” Eagle Ray Divers ops manager Ger Latner said. “The official distance is where the phone settles on the bottom, not where it hits the water.

“More importantly, we’ll use the grid to collect all the phones afterwards so no toxic chemicals or heavy metals will leach out onto the reef,” Latner said. “We’ve combined the cleanup with a search and recovery specialty course for our guests. As soon as the Fling’s finished, we’ll put the students in the water and have them swim search patterns until they find all the devices. For a reduced fee, of course.”

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July 28, 2017 · 8:01 am

DNA Tests Link Blacktip Natives To Ancient Egyptians

Egyptian links

A bas-relief of New Kingdom pharaoh Amenhotep I in Luxor Temple, Egypt. New DNA evidence suggests modern Blacktip Islanders are, genetically, closely related to ancient New Kingdom Egyptians. (photo courtesy of Rémih)

Genetics researchers on Blacktip Island announced Wednesday that DNA samples from 32 present-day Blacktip natives, sent to the Max Planck Institute in Germany, showed modern Blacktippers are closely related to ancient Egyptians.

“Our collective jaw hit the floor,” lead researcher Goby Graysby said. “We knew there was something unique about us, but the hypothesis going in was excessive inbreeding. We in no way expected this.”

The Blacktip DNA samples were compared to samples from 137 New Kingdom mummies from Abusir-el Meleq in central Egypt.

“It does explain a lot, Graysby said. “Antonio Fletcher in profile is a dead ringer for Amenhotep I, but we always thought that was from too much rum. And most locals’ handwriting could pass for hieroglyphics. Heck, Blacktippers even walk like Egyptians.”

The discovery sparked debate about how Egyptians might have arrived on Blacktip a thousand years before the Caribbean island was thought to be populated.

“Thor Heyerdahl proved, back in the 70s, Egyptian papyrus rafts could cross the Atlantic,” island historian Smithson Altschul said. “That’s the obvious route. Anything else – space aliens, wormholes – is pure speculation.

“It also speaks to why there’s so many cats running loose on the island,” Altschul said. “And our climate, combined with rum, is perfect for mummification. I wouldn’t be surprised if we found mummies in some inland caves, now that we know to look for them.”

The news has increased interest in archeology among locals.

“There’s some odd rock carvings inland that people’ve ignored for years,” divemaster Marina DeLow said. “And coral heads that look like stepped pyramids – we just assumed they were Mayan. This Egyptian heritage, it makes me even more proud to be from Blacktip.”

Others noted striking Egyptian parallels in the island’s infrastructure.

“Most people don’t realize Blacktip’s resorts are laid out in a grid that aligns with the sunrise at solstice and sunset at equinox, just like the Great Pyramid,” said the former Rev. Jerrod Ephesians, head of the island’s Rosicrucian Order. “You have to hold the map just right, and squint, but the pattern is unmistakable. That couldn’t happen without sophisticated outside influence.”

Local businesses are already promoting the discovery.

“We’re renovating our lobby as a scale replica of ancient Karnak,” said Eagle Ray Cove owner Rich Skerritt. “And all the rooms will have early New Kingdom-themed bas-relief carvings on tan plaster walls.”

Genetics researchers, meanwhile, say their work is just beginning.

“We still have to trace 3,500-year-old bloodlines, check for possible royal connections, you name it,” Goby said. “We have years of study ahead of us.”

“The original inbreeding hypothesis is still very much on the table,” Goby added. “Ancient Egyptian royalty was notorious for that. It may turn out to be less a small, isolated populations thing than it is a genetic predisposition thing.”

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July 14, 2017 · 8:31 am

Power Outages Spawn Lottery Among Blacktip Islanders

power outage lotto

Blacktip Island’s aging electric generator is the heart of the island’s power grid. Frequent power outages have prompted residents to organize a lottery in which participants guess the time of the next outage, with the closest guess winning a cash prize. (photo courtesy of Dual Freq)

After numerous power outages on Blacktip Island in recent weeks, residents have organized a cash lottery that allows people to guess the day and time of the next power outage, with a portion of the winnings going to the Caribbean island’s aging power plant.

“Electricity’s been going out daily, sometimes multiple times,” lottery organizer Kay Valve said. “Public Works has blamed everything from a faulty generator to broken insulators to iguanas chewing on the power lines. The surges are killing our computers and other electronics, no matter how many surge protectors we use.

“We’re making lemonade out of lemons, and hopefully helping solve the problem in the process,” Valve said. “For a dollar, you pick the date, time and duration of the next outage. Half of the pot goes to the winner and half goes to the power plant for facility upgrades.”

The island’s Public Works Department has embraced the plan.

“The phone was ringing off the hook this past month with people howling mad about losing power,” public works chief Stoney MacAdam said. “It got to where we were scared to go out in public, folks were so hacked off.”

“Now it’s a game. People want the power to go out,” MacAdam said. “They cheer when it does. Of course, the down side is folks gaming the system. Yesterday we caught Dermott Bottoms trying to chop a power line with his machete so he could win the big jackpot. We’re alert for that kind of thing.”

The lottery is popular among Blacktip Island residents as well.

“If throwing in a few dollars’ll keep my A/C running, I’m all for it,” said resident Paloma Fairlead. “Plus, any money I win goes toward new internet modems. With all the outages and surges, I’m going through two a week these days.”

However, not all residents support the gaming.

“This is gambling, plain and simple,” said the Rev. Pierre Grunt. “It’s immoral and illegal. The next thing you know there’ll be casinos and who knows what else ruining Blacktip. I keep badgering Rafe Marquette to shut it down, but he wont do it.”

The island’s police constable downplayed the legal issues.

“It’s not strictly legal, but it is for the public good, so it’s really somewhat of a gray area,” Island Police Constable Rafe Marquette said. “And Pierre seems to be the only one upset about it. I’m sure what the complaint is.

“The lottery people have been quite positive,” Marquette said. “They’ve even been kind enough to buy me a ticket for each round, and even when I don’t win, I usually get some sort of consolation prize.”

Blacktip Island public works officials would not comment on potential timelines to resolve the outages.

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June 30, 2017 · 8:05 am

Fire Coral Festival Brings The Burn To Blacktip Island

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A stand of encrusting fire coral waits in the shallows of Blacktip Island’s Fire Coral Reef. Saturday the island will celebrate the benefits of fire coral in protecting the Caribbean island’s reefs. (photo courtesy of Nick Hobgood)

Blacktip’s annual Fire Coral Festival returns to the island Saturday at multiple venues and dive sites to celebrate the importance of the stinging coral in protecting the island’s fragile reefs. The festival, in its 17th year, is sponsored by the Tiperon Marine Parks department.

“It started years ago after overweighted scuba divers came back all welted up, howling about our reefs being eat-up with the fire coral,” Marine Parks spokesperson Val Schrader. “We put a positive spin on that. If you can’t beat it, celebrate it, if you will.

“Our aim is to remind divers that the slightest touch can harm coral,” Schrader said. “Fire coral lets divers experience how much coral can hurt them. We’ve found pain is a great tutor.”

The festival features snorkeling tours of the island’s most fire coral-filled reefs, live music by island bands, a beach bonfire and food stalls serving curry and coral-themed drinks.

“The highlight’s the ½-K Fun Run,” festival organizer Jay Valve said. “Runners in Speedos and flip-flops sprint past Eagle Ray Cove chased by other runners grabbing at them with fire coral-coated gloves. It’s amazing how fast folks can go when they’re about to get stung. There’s some hefty guests here, but they’d give Usain Bolt a run for his money.

“Of course, medical staff’ll be on hand to deal with any cases of anaphylactic shock,” Valve said. “Some people also wanted to throw jellyfish at the runners, but we nixed that. This is a fire coral-only event. No other stinging life forms are allowed. That’s another festival. In the fall.”

The festival has also fostered a rare détente between tourism and environmental groups.

“Normally we’d be against anyone touching coral, but this is for a great cause,” said Benthic Society president Harry Pickett. “Fire coral’s the reef’s great defense, the way the ocean strikes back at people who don’t respect it. We call fire coral ‘reef karma.’”

During the festival, all Blacktip Island dive operations have banned the use of wetsuits.

“It’s a reality check for divers who don’t realize, or care, how crap their buoyancy is,” said Eagle Ray Divers ops manager Ger Latner. “It’s part of the festivities. Each dive boat votes for the guest with the worst buoyancy control, then we make all those folks scuba naked across Fire Coral Reef.

“Yeah, it’s painful. And humiliating. But it makes a point,” Latner said. “And the divers gets free drinks the rest of the night. And a t-shirt. And free medical care, if needed.”

All proceeds from the festival go toward replacement mooring balls and lines for the island’s dive sites.

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June 23, 2017 · 6:53 am

Iguana Yoga Takes Blacktip Island By Storm

iguana yoga

Meditation sessions with Blacktip Island’s native rock iguanas have proved popular at one island resort. (photo courtesy of James St. John)

The latest trend in yoga has been given a topical twist at Blacktip Island’s Blacktip Haven resort, where guests can now participate in yoga sessions while the island’s rock iguanas crawl around, on and over them.

“We wanted to get in on the goat yoga craze, but there’s no goats on the island,” yoga instructor Bindy Pigeon said. “Then an iguana wandered in on a yoga class. No one moved, so it stayed and ended up climbing on top of a prone student. That’s when the light bulb went off.

“Turns out, iguanas are better than goats,” Pigeon said. “They love the body heat, and once they settle in they’ll stay on your back or stomach or head for as long as you let them.”

The classes have proven popular with tourists and locals alike.

“It’s way better than plain yoga,” said Blacktip Haven guest Marlin White. “The interaction with nature helps you center yourself better physically and mentally. And there’s nothing quite like a resting iguana on a downward dog.”

Other students, though, saw drawbacks to meditation with the reptiles.

“It can be a bit of a distraction when one starts munching on your hair,” Blacktip resident Cori Anders said, “And you have to make sure they don’t poop on you. That’ll get you uncentered in a big-ass hurry. And those claws!”

Resort management stressed the classes are safe as well as eco-friendly.

“Sure, we had a couple of students get clawed,” Blacktip Haven owner Elena Havens said. “But the scratches don’t bleed much and we keep plenty of antibiotic cream on hand. You have to expect that with wild animals. It’s what makes our yoga sessions so effective.

“These iguanas aren’t trained or restrained or coerced in any way,” Havens said. “We toyed with land crab yoga, too, but there was no way to do that without catching the crabs and penning them here. And they wouldn’t stay still long enough to be therapeutic, anyway.”

Community leaders have embraced the classes.

“It’s something to do on the island that doesn’t involve alcohol,” the former-Reverend Jerrod Ephesians said. “For Blacktip, that’s revolutionary, really.”

Others concurred.

“People can laugh all they want, but this is just one more unique thing that draws visitors to Blacktip,” island mayor Jack Cobia said. “The classes are so popular, Bindy’s turning students away. And Elena’s resort’s booked solid for the next six months.”

Pigeon shrugged off the nay-sayers.

“People can snicker all they want,” she said. “Iguana yoga’s the real deal and it’s here to namaste.”

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June 16, 2017 · 8:38 am

Council Meeting Melee Guts Blacktip Island Church

liquor zoning

The interior of Blacktip Island’s Our Lady of Blacktip interdenominational church was demolished during a fight that broke out during an island council meeting concerning liquor laws Thursday afternoon. (photo courtesy of the Rev. Pierre Grunt)

A Blacktip Island Council meeting at the island’s church turned violent Thursday afternoon during a debate over liquor laws. The ensuing melee sent council members diving for cover and resulted in more than a dozen people being taken to the island’s medical clinic.

“It started with Reverend Grunt pitching a Sunday booze ban,” island mayor Jack Cobia said. “The bar owners objected and all hell broke loose.

“Rich Skerritt and the Reverend had each other by throat,” Cobia said. “Jerrod Ephesians tried to break them up and got cold-cocked with a hymnal. The next thing you know Dermot was swinging that candelabra like a scythe and people were trampling the pews to get out. I jumped through the window to get away. I still got stained glass in my hair.”

Seven islanders were arrested on assault charges.

“This is a hard-drinking island community. I accept that,” the Rev. Pierre Grunt said from his jail cell. “We’re not trying to change that. We’re just asking folks to take a day off, dry out a little, maybe even come to church.”

Resort owners say the proposed law unfairly favored the religious community.

“Pierre wants to steal one of our big-money days,” Eagle Ray Cove resort owner Rich Skerritt said from the adjacent cell. “You think it’s a coincidence he made an exception for the church?

“He’s selling that mead of his behind the sacristy Sunday afternoons and making a fortune,” Skerritt said. “He’s axing the competition. That’s dirty pool.”

The church has been selling its artisanal St. Dervil’s Mead, named after the island’s patron saint who first distilled mead on the island and taught its native iguanas to sing, to raise funds for building improvements, church officials said.

“The mead isn’t for inebriative purposes,” Grunt said. “It’s part of our after-church social fellowship, and sales go to new windows for the church. Now we need even more windows. And pews. And hymn books.”

Other resort owners criticized the mead sales as purely commercial.

“Pierre just wants a slice of the tourism pie without having to invest in the marketing or infrastructure,” Blacktip Haven owner Elena Havens said. “He’s even offering punch cards for every mead purchase. After 10 pints, you get your choice of a t-shirt or an Indulgence.”

Most locals sided with the resort owners.

“It’s about choice and free will, you know,” Dermott Bottoms said. “You don’t want to drink, go to church. You do want to drink, go to the bar. Rev’s trying to take away our freedoms.”

The island clinic has issued an urgent call for blood donors in the wake of the violence.

“We’re not equipped for injury on this scale,” island nurse Marissa Wrasse said. “We need blood of all types, so long as the donor is sober. Most donors so far can’t pass the breathalyzer test.”

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June 9, 2017 · 6:05 am

Blacktip Island Hosts Conch Herding Competition

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Eagle Ray Sound, on Blacktip Island’s west coast, is the site of this weekend’s conch herding trials. Herders from across the Caribbean will compete in the semi-annual event. (photo courtesy of Clete Horn)

Blacktip Island will welcome conch herders from around the Caribbean Saturday for the 47th Semi-Annual Caribbean Basin Conch-Off in the island’s Eagle Ray Sound.

“Conch herding’s an island tradition, and we’re damn proud to be selected to host this year’s Conch-Off,” Blacktip Island Traditional Conch Herders president Clete Horn said. “It’s a competitive sport, like sheep herding, except underwater. And with conchs instead of sheep and grouper instead of herd dogs.

“The handler on the surface directs a pair of trained Nassau grouper to herd a half dozen conch across the sand, around coral and whatnot, then into a catch basket,” Horn said. “And it’s strictly catch-and-release. No conchs are injured, despite what some say.”

The herding trials are conducted in heats, with two conchers facing off on opposite sides of the lagoon, directing their groupers with hand motions and finger pops. The first to get six conchs into a basket and to the surface moves on to the next round.

Blacktip Island will be represented by local favorite Antonio Fletcher. Competitors, from as far away as Guiana and Cuba, include regional sensations Shelly Hard, Jorge Pompano and reigning champion Caracol Gigante.

“The trick’s to think like a conch, get inside its brain,” Fletcher said. “Me having The Sight helps with that. Got to have the right grouper, too. Raised mine by hand from little-bitty fry.

“Folks tried herding with stingrays a while back, thinking they’re smarter, easier to train,” Fletcher said. “But the rays get distracted too easy, you know. Like they all got ADHD or something. No, groupers are best, and my Nassaus are best of the lot.”

Animal rights groups are campaigning against the competition.

“One person grabbing one conch for personal use is reasonable,” said Conch Appreciation Committee president Harry Pickett. “Not necessary, but justifiable.

“Chasing bunches of conchs across the sand, then jerking them to the surface for sport, well, it’s not good for the conchs. It can give them strokes,” Pickett said. “That leaves us with lots of traumatized conchs. The last thing this island needs is neurotic snails.”

Conchers were quick to defend their sport.

“It’s Blacktip. Short-term memory’s a non-issue here,” Horn said. “I guarantee they’ve forgotten about it by the time they hit the bottom again. Hell, most of the spectators will have, too.”

The competition is a popular spectator sport among locals and tourists alike.

“Families with kids like to watch from the surface,” Horn said. “But we also have underwater videographers streaming the action to the Sand Spit bar so adults can watch with a cold drink in the air conditioning.”

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June 2, 2017 · 8:19 am

Reef Rage Sparks Blacktip Island’s New Underwater Police

reef rage

Blacktip Island’s tranquil beauty has been marred by recent violence on the Caribbean island’s dive sites. The incidents prompted the creation of a special underwater police unit. (photo courtesy of Ger Latner/Eagle Ray Divers)

A rash of underwater incidents described as ‘reef rage’ has prompted Blacktip Island officials to create an underwater volunteer police unit to safeguard the Caribbean island’s divers.

“The high stakes world of scuba tourism isn’t for the faint of heart,” Eagle Ray Divers operations manager Ger Latner said. “There’s more dive boats out there, carrying more divers, each competing for the same amount of space on the reef. You pay a bunch of money to dive here, you want to see everything. Trouble is, so does everyone else.

“We’ve had everything from divers bumping other divers out of the way to pulling dive knives on each other,” Latner said. “The final straw was the guy who surfaced with a cut regulator hose. The bubbles were beautiful from the surface, but somebody could’ve been hurt.”

The island’s police constable formed the ad hoc Special Underwater Police Auxiliary to deal with the attacks.

“There’s only one of me, and I barely know how to swim,” Island Police Constable Rafe Marquette said. “I can put on a snorkel vest and watch from the surface, but I can’t stop anything from happening, and I can’t be at every site all day.

“I ran local divers through a quick Special Constable course, then turned them loose,” Marquette said. “We stress de-escalating confrontations and non-violent intervention. The volunteers do carry underwater Tasers, though. Just in case.”

S.U.P.A. officers say their experience often lets them stop trouble before it starts.

“Most confrontations start with someone inadvertently getting kicked, or not letting other divers see an interesting sea creature,” said S.U.P.A. member Frank Maples. “Photographers are especially bad. If we can nudge them along, we’ve nipped the problem in the bud.”

One overzealous scuba diver has been arrested so far.

“The jerk with the big-ass camera started it,” Blacktip Haven guest Maxie Fondé said. “Planted that sucker in front of an eel hole and camped there 10, 15 minutes. Wouldn’t let me or my husband see.

“He ignored a polite tap on the shoulder, then flipped my off when I pulled him away,” Fondé said. “Shooting my spear into the sand next to his head sure got him to move, though. Then he had the audacity to file charges.”

Other dive guests applauded the new special constables.

“It’s nice not having to confront bad divers anymore,” said Club Scuba Doo guest Olive Beaugregory. “If someone’s being an ass, I just motion to the reef patrol and they take care of things. Just this morning, when a man was lying on the reef, the constable squeezed his inflator vale and WHOOSH! sent him to the surface. Problem solved!”

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