Sunday, February 19, 2023
Temperature: 89
Humidity: 66%
Precipitation: Nah
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Blacktip Island Welcomes Lame Excuse Hall of Fame
Slackers of all descriptions will be able to relax outside the new Lame Excuse Hall of Fame, scheduled to open this Sunday afternoon. Unless something comes up. (photo courtesy of Jack Wrasse)
Blacktip Island will become home to the Lame Excuse Hall of Fame this Sunday afternoon, when officials from the International Slackers Society hope to officially cut the ribbon for the facility in the small Caribbean island’s downtown district.
“The Hall of Fame’s been on the table for a while, but something always came up,” ISS president Gerry Goldbrik said. “It’s finally going to happen, though. And we’re doing the opening Sunday afternoon so folks can’t use church or being hung over as their excuse not to attend.
“Blacktip Island is really a natural for this,” Goldbrik said. “If there’s a geographic, philosophic, Gestalten heart of half-assed excuses, Blacktip’s it. People here’ll come up with four, five bogus cop outs before breakfast. Slacking’s a sport on this little rock.”
Officials noted several island residents are eligible for inclusion.
“Lee Helm, he’s a shoo-in,” ISS chapter secretary Jack Wrasse said. “I don’t think anything comes out of his mouth has ever not been an excuse. James Conlee’ll get consideration. And Alison Diesel can come up with some real doozies, too.”
Officials were noncommittal on the ceremony’s details.
“The Hall’s gonna be in the empty room next to Peachy Bottoms’ store, so we’ll probably cut the ribbon right outside,” Chrissy Graysby said. “After that there’ll be a speech of some sort, or an excuse for why there isn’t one. Inside’ll be framed photos of famous excuse makers, and brass plaques underneath with the award-winning excuses engraved on them. We hope.
“Then this year’s inductees will draw random tasks from a hat and immediately make excuses for why they can’t be done” Grasby said. “The winner’ll get a trophy. Maybe. Frankly, we’re just hoping the ceremony happens and the place actually opens. We’ve seen this kind of thing fail all too often.”
Island residents were skeptical about the event.
“This is Blacktip. It’s just another thing that’ll never happen,” Marina DeLow said. “Like Gage Hoase training for the Boston Marathon. Or Booger Bottoms taking people out to Ale Key bank for diving. And even if the place does open, folks’ll find excuses never to visit.”
The ceremony will be open to the public. Admission fees will be donated to an as-yet-undecided charity.
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Blacktip Island Weather
Sunday, February 12, 2023
Temperature: 86
Humidity: 68%
Precipitation: Raingear recommended
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Blacktip Island Iguana Beauty Contest Set For Saturday
The St. Dervil’s Monastery singing iguanas will be favored in the talent portion of Saturday’s Iguana Beauty Contest at Blacktip Island’s Heritage House. (photo courtesy of MAKY.OREL)
The Blacktip Island Iguana Appreciation Society will host its inaugural Iguana Pageant this Saturday at the small Caribbean island’s Heritage House to increase awareness of the island’s native iguanas and to raise money for purchasing future nesting habitat.
“Folks have beauty contests for everything under the sun, so we thought, ‘why not iguanas?’” BIIAS president Clete Horn said. “The beauty of these animals is greatly underrated. And each has its own unique personality. Sure, they’re not as cuddly as dogs or babies, but they deserve their time in the spotlight.
“We’ll start the event with the round-up phase, where folks have an hour to catch an iguana to show,” Horn said. “After that, there’s a 30-minute first aid break to patch up any cuts, slashes and bites, then it’s on to the pageant. We’re doing it at the Heritage House, where the iguana population’s the thickest. Proceeds’ll go to buying beachfront nesting land.”
Pageant organizers said contestant will be judged on multiple criteria.
“All iguanas will be appraised on composure, appearance and talent,” society treasurer Lucille Ray said. “We’ll have small, medium and large size divisions, to keep things fair. Also, there’ll be anole and curly-tail lizard categories for the kiddos to compete in.
“In the talent category, any of the singing iguanas from St. Dervil’s monastery will be favored,” Ray said. “Though there’s rumors Dermott Bottoms has taught a big iguana at his place to answer arithmetic questions, like in the old Vaudeville horse acts.”
Some participants say the competition is already heating up.
“I never realized how cutthroat this sort of thing can be,” Ham Pilchard said. “The mind games have already started, with people trying to psych each other out ahead of time. Somebody tossed an iguana into Rocky Shore’s bed in the middle of the night. Scared the bejesus out of him—he’s still shaking. And Alison Diesel’s been chasing the iguanas around the Heritage House to spook them and make them harder to catch.”
Tourism officials hope the event will draw more visitors to the island.
“We want people to see Blacktip is unique and has something for everyone,” Department of Tourism spokesperson Goldie Goby said. “We’re not just a diving island anymore. We’re so much more than that.
“We’re also working with the society and the agriculture department to have contestants look for invasive green iguanas during the roundup,” Goby said. “They’ll be chasing lizards through the brush anyway, there’ll be plenty of opportunity to cull any of those suckers they run across.”
Winners of each category will receive ‘Iguana Have Some Fun’ t-shirts. Best in Show will go on a two-island Caribbean tour and receive iguana-feed sponsorships, society officials said.
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Blacktip Island Weather
Sunday, February 5, 2023
Temperature: 87
Humidity:71%
Precipitation: On the way
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Blacktip Islanders Hope Jawfish Doesn’t See Her Shadow
Blacktip Island’s famous ‘Blacktip Babette’ the yellow-headed jawfish will peek out of her hole on Jawfish Day today. Island residents hope she won’t see her shadow, thus ensuring a storm-free hurricane season. (photo courtesy of National Marine Sanctuaries)
Blacktip Island residents will be closely watching webcams today to see if Blacktip Babette, the famed yellow-headed jawfish, will see her shadow and retreat into her hole, signaling a busy hurricane season this year.
“It’s a bit like Punxsutawney Phil the groundhog, only underwater and without fur,” Payne Hanover said. “If Babette sees her shadow, things’ll get ugly, weather-wise, this summer and fall. We’re pretty sure Jacques Cousteau was the first to notice Babette and how predictive she was when he’d hang out here back in the 60s.
“We banned pretty much all diving in the area after a few incidents in years past,” Hanover said. “Five years ago, Booger Bottoms’ camera strobes scared Babette, and we had one of our worst hurricane seasons ever. Then last year, Alison Diesel slid a plastic slate over the hole so Babette couldn’t go back in, and a barracuda nearly got her. Babette, not Alison.”
Island residents said Jawfish Day is a generations-old tradition.
“Been watching Babette for as long as I can remember,” Rosie Blenny said. “And now it’s so much comfier—we can sit in the bar and watch instead of having to go out on a boat and jump in the water. We’ll all be at the Tail Spinner watching the live feed and praying for a cloudy day. Babette’s been so accurate for all these years. And who knew jawfish lived so long?”
Some on the small Caribbean island scoffed at the tradition.
“There is zero correlation between this jawfish, or any jawfish, seeing its shadow and hurricanes striking the island,” local meteorologist Rayne Doppler said. “We ran the numbers going back 30 years and there’s less than a 20 percent connection between the jawfish retreating and hurricane activity. That’s essentially a random occurrence. Assuming it’s even the same fish. My hunch is the Chamber of Commerce dreamed this up to draw tourists to the island during the slow season.”
Others objected to the event on religious grounds.
“This, like Groundhog Day, purposely coincides with Candlemas,” the Reverend Pierre Grunt said. “By extension, this is celebrating an ancient pagan holiday. I’m urging my congregation, and any others who’ll listen, to avoid this like they’d avoid any other events and holidays that coincide with former heathen celebrations.”
Not all residents wished Babette well.
“I hate that damn fish,” Rusty Goby said “She stayed out of her hole two years ago. I believed her and didn’t re-up my hurricane insurance. Come September, Hurricane Lulu leveled my place. BLAM! Like a big hand just smooshed it flat. If I had my way, I’d wipe out every jawfish on that reef, just to get even. Tried to, too, but the Marine Parks folks keep stopping me.”
Island mayor Jack Cobia will preside underwater on-site, from a respectful distance so as not to spook Babette, to make the ceremony official. Local weather forecasts call for scattered clouds today.
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Blacktip Island Weather
Sunday, January 29, 2023
Temperature: 88
Humidity: 69%
Precipitation: Not a chance
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The Blacktip Times 