Sunday, February 19, 2023
Temperature: 89
Humidity: 66%
Precipitation: Nah
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Blacktip Island Welcomes Lame Excuse Hall of Fame
Slackers of all descriptions will be able to relax outside the new Lame Excuse Hall of Fame, scheduled to open this Sunday afternoon. Unless something comes up. (photo courtesy of Jack Wrasse)
Blacktip Island will become home to the Lame Excuse Hall of Fame this Sunday afternoon, when officials from the International Slackers Society hope to officially cut the ribbon for the facility in the small Caribbean island’s downtown district.
“The Hall of Fame’s been on the table for a while, but something always came up,” ISS president Gerry Goldbrik said. “It’s finally going to happen, though. And we’re doing the opening Sunday afternoon so folks can’t use church or being hung over as their excuse not to attend.
“Blacktip Island is really a natural for this,” Goldbrik said. “If there’s a geographic, philosophic, Gestalten heart of half-assed excuses, Blacktip’s it. People here’ll come up with four, five bogus cop outs before breakfast. Slacking’s a sport on this little rock.”
Officials noted several island residents are eligible for inclusion.
“Lee Helm, he’s a shoo-in,” ISS chapter secretary Jack Wrasse said. “I don’t think anything comes out of his mouth has ever not been an excuse. James Conlee’ll get consideration. And Alison Diesel can come up with some real doozies, too.”
Officials were noncommittal on the ceremony’s details.
“The Hall’s gonna be in the empty room next to Peachy Bottoms’ store, so we’ll probably cut the ribbon right outside,” Chrissy Graysby said. “After that there’ll be a speech of some sort, or an excuse for why there isn’t one. Inside’ll be framed photos of famous excuse makers, and brass plaques underneath with the award-winning excuses engraved on them. We hope.
“Then this year’s inductees will draw random tasks from a hat and immediately make excuses for why they can’t be done” Grasby said. “The winner’ll get a trophy. Maybe. Frankly, we’re just hoping the ceremony happens and the place actually opens. We’ve seen this kind of thing fail all too often.”
Island residents were skeptical about the event.
“This is Blacktip. It’s just another thing that’ll never happen,” Marina DeLow said. “Like Gage Hoase training for the Boston Marathon. Or Booger Bottoms taking people out to Ale Key bank for diving. And even if the place does open, folks’ll find excuses never to visit.”
The ceremony will be open to the public. Admission fees will be donated to an as-yet-undecided charity.
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Blacktip Island Weather
Sunday, February 12, 2023
Temperature: 86
Humidity: 68%
Precipitation: Raingear recommended
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Blacktip Island Iguana Beauty Contest Set For Saturday
The St. Dervil’s Monastery singing iguanas will be favored in the talent portion of Saturday’s Iguana Beauty Contest at Blacktip Island’s Heritage House. (photo courtesy of MAKY.OREL)
The Blacktip Island Iguana Appreciation Society will host its inaugural Iguana Pageant this Saturday at the small Caribbean island’s Heritage House to increase awareness of the island’s native iguanas and to raise money for purchasing future nesting habitat.
“Folks have beauty contests for everything under the sun, so we thought, ‘why not iguanas?’” BIIAS president Clete Horn said. “The beauty of these animals is greatly underrated. And each has its own unique personality. Sure, they’re not as cuddly as dogs or babies, but they deserve their time in the spotlight.
“We’ll start the event with the round-up phase, where folks have an hour to catch an iguana to show,” Horn said. “After that, there’s a 30-minute first aid break to patch up any cuts, slashes and bites, then it’s on to the pageant. We’re doing it at the Heritage House, where the iguana population’s the thickest. Proceeds’ll go to buying beachfront nesting land.”
Pageant organizers said contestant will be judged on multiple criteria.
“All iguanas will be appraised on composure, appearance and talent,” society treasurer Lucille Ray said. “We’ll have small, medium and large size divisions, to keep things fair. Also, there’ll be anole and curly-tail lizard categories for the kiddos to compete in.
“In the talent category, any of the singing iguanas from St. Dervil’s monastery will be favored,” Ray said. “Though there’s rumors Dermott Bottoms has taught a big iguana at his place to answer arithmetic questions, like in the old Vaudeville horse acts.”
Some participants say the competition is already heating up.
“I never realized how cutthroat this sort of thing can be,” Ham Pilchard said. “The mind games have already started, with people trying to psych each other out ahead of time. Somebody tossed an iguana into Rocky Shore’s bed in the middle of the night. Scared the bejesus out of him—he’s still shaking. And Alison Diesel’s been chasing the iguanas around the Heritage House to spook them and make them harder to catch.”
Tourism officials hope the event will draw more visitors to the island.
“We want people to see Blacktip is unique and has something for everyone,” Department of Tourism spokesperson Goldie Goby said. “We’re not just a diving island anymore. We’re so much more than that.
“We’re also working with the society and the agriculture department to have contestants look for invasive green iguanas during the roundup,” Goby said. “They’ll be chasing lizards through the brush anyway, there’ll be plenty of opportunity to cull any of those suckers they run across.”
Winners of each category will receive ‘Iguana Have Some Fun’ t-shirts. Best in Show will go on a two-island Caribbean tour and receive iguana-feed sponsorships, society officials said.
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Blacktip Island Weather
Sunday, February 5, 2023
Temperature: 87
Humidity:71%
Precipitation: On the way
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Blacktip Island Weather
Sunday, January 29, 2023
Temperature: 88
Humidity: 69%
Precipitation: Not a chance
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Blacktip Island Medieval Re-Enactors Will Joust On Scooters
Armored knights will face off with scooters as steeds this weekend at the Blacktip Island Society for Creative Anachronism’s annual Tournament of Chivalry. (photo courtesy of Jay Valve)
The Blacktip Island’s chapter of the Society for Creative Anachronism, a global living history group devoted to the Middle Ages, will feature members jousting on motor scooters at their 17th annual Tournament of Chivalry at the small Caribbean island’s Heritage House this weekend.
“We’ve had declining spectator numbers the last few years, so we had to do something to spice things up,” SCA island shire Seneschal Catalina Luxfer said. “Jousting was the logical next step, but there’s no horses, or even donkeys, on the island. And two people with broomsticks running at each other was pretty lame.
“That’s when Finn Kiick, our Knight Marshal, came up with the idea of using motor scooters as mounts and boat hooks as lances,” Luxfer said. “A Vespa’ll approximate a horse’s speed, and when the combatants collide, it shows how effective Medieval cavalry charges could be. We sent three knights to the clinic during practice. The tournament’s set up in multiple, single-elimination rounds, with the winner being named Lord or Lady of the Island for a year and a day.”
Kiick, overseeing the jousting, downplayed the activity’s danger.
“Safety’s our number one goal,” he said. “Jousters have to wear period-appropriate armor and helmets, mostly built from stuff at the dump, and’re allowed a top scooter speed of 15 miles per hour. And once they’re unhorsed, they can continue to fight with Wiffle-bat swords and toilet-plunger maces.
“We’ve banned lances to the head, too,” Kiick said. “Any jouster who rams another’s helmet’ll be chucked from the tournament and banished from the shire. “Course, Nurse Marissa, our chapter Chirurgeon, will be standing by to treat any injuries, and a mechanic’ll be there to mend any damaged steeds.”
Locals are eager to see the new sport.
“These SCA festivals had turned into lame cosplay, so it’ll be good to see folks go real-life Medieval on each other,” Chrissy Graysby said. “People are talking up Jerrod Ephesians as the odds-on favorite, but my money’s on Rosie Bottoms. She’s got that killer instinct. Not that I’m betting, since that’s illegal, but her at 8:1. . . that’s a gimme.”
The tournament will also feature grog and turkey leg booths, machete-throwing contests and an arena for wooden sword fighting among the children attending.
“It truly is an exciting event for the whole family,” chapter Webminister Jay Valve said. “There’ll also be a Bring Out Your Dead body stacking contest, a pit with mud and spoiled vegetables for people to fling at each other, a pox-painting booth and Jessie Catahoula, dressed as a hag, casting random curses on people.”
“We’re also thrilled the monks from St. Dervil’s monastery will bring their iguana choir to sing Gregorian chants between jousts,” Valve said. “They’ll also be selling their coconut mead, made only at their monastery, which’ll be a rare treat.”
Illuminated parchment admission tickets may be purchased at the Heritage House. All proceeds will go the SCA jousters’ medical bills and to Tiperon University-Blacktip’s Medieval studies department.
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The Blacktip Times 