Tag Archives: humor

Blacktip Island Scientists To De-Extinct Caribbean Penguins

caribbean penguins

A sailor’s pen-and-ink sketch from 1853 showing a group of now-extinct Western Caribbean penguins (Megadyptes blacktipius) defending their nest from a ship’s terrier. (image courtesy of the Blacktip Island Heritage House)

Biologists at Tiperon University-Blacktip this week announced their plans to revive the extinct Western Caribbean penguin as a way to augment the small island’s marine ecosystem and to possibly pave the way to save critically-endangered species.

“This is the cutting edge in modern genomics, and these penguins are the perfect subject,” TU-B genetics professor Vera Cuda said. “Everyone’s focused on bringing back wooly mammoths and aurochs and other megafauna. Anything that big’s gonna be tough to pull off. But with us starting small with penguins, we have a real shot at being the first team to successfully de-extinct a species.

“Western Caribbean penguins were native to Blacktip, but were hunted out of existence by hungry sailors back in the late 18th Century,” Cuda said. “We have some preserved skins, though, and more than enough penguin DNA to genome-edit multiple birds. We’re working on sequencing the genome now, and hope to have a functional one by year’s end. That’s way ahead of the teams trying to de-extinct dinosaurs and mammoths and thylacines.”

Community officials were supportive of the plan.

“Since the sailing ships full of sailors are history, the re-extinction threat has been eliminated,” Marine Parks spokesperson Val Schrader said. “We’ll set up a captive breeding program to grow the population, and protect it by creating a penguin sanctuary by the marine park.

“We’ve already identified sites on the north end, near Nobbie’s Inne, with good nesting beaches that will make perfect rookeries,” Schrader said. “The hope is the ecosystem will benefit from them preying on the invasive fish species taking over our reefs.”

Others focused on the financial benefits.

“Blacktip’ll have the only wild penguins in the Northern Hemisphere,” island mayor Jack Cobia said. “We’ll be the premiere eco-tourism destination in the Caribbean. Folks’ll come from all over to see them. And to swim and dive with them.”

Others questioned the project’s wisdom.

“Bring extinct animals back to life?” Chip Pompano said. “Has no one here ever seen ‘Jurassic Park?’ Hello! There’s no guarantee they won’t eat all the fish on the reefs. And what if they turn on humans? With that CRISPR technology, one wrong move and you’ve created Frankenstein’s monster. Assuming it works at all—this could just be another funding grift.”

Island geneticists weren’t worried.

“The technology’s foolproof,” Cuda said. “Our big issue is financing. We’re massaging our budget and relocating resources, but we still don’t have what we need. We’re having a bake sale this weekend, and have set up a Go Fund Me account so people can donate. For the island’s common good.”

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Fire Destroys Blacktip Island’s First Renaissance Faire

renaissance fire

The main stage at Blacktip Island’s inaugural Renaissance Faire was destroyed Wednesday by arsonists who misread a publicity notice. (photo by Paloma Fairlead/BTT staff)

A misunderstanding regarding notices for Blacktip Island’s inaugural Renaissance Faire Wednesday resulted in four arrests, nine injuries and the venue’s destruction after a series of purposely-set fires, organizers said.

“We had a flyer-writing party to divvy up the workload, and some of them had a minor gaffe in them,” the island’s Society for Creative Anachronism shire grand seneschal Jay Valve said. “Clete Horn left the ‘a’ out of the ones he did, so they read ‘Renaissance Fire. A handful of folks took that literally and torched everything.

“The first sign of trouble was Dermott Bottoms and his buddies showing up wearing Viking helmets made from buckets and carrying tiki torches,” Valve said. “We thought they just wanted to be part of the spectacle. Then they sparked the tents, the food shoppes and the stage. The whole village burned in less than 15 minutes.”

Event participants were stunned.

“We were so excited to have our first Ren Fest on Blacktip,” Angela Fisher said. “The kiddos were enjoying their gruel-on-a-stick when—bam—yahoos started burning everything. We were looking forward to the jousting-on-hobby horses, but they even burned the horses. Then a vat of mead exploded all over us. The little ones are traumatized.

“The tents, and the dunk-a-wench booth took ages to build,” Fisher said. “And there’s hundreds of conch fritters ruined, and kegs of ale destroyed. They even burned some nearby docks. And the library. Thankfully, the librarian saved both books. I don’t know how we talk to the kids about this.”

Authorities arrested four residents.

“Couldn’t get here in time to stop the fires, but I’ve got the perpetrators locked up,” Island Police Constable Rafe Marquette said. “No surprise it was Dermott Bottoms, James Conlee, and Linford Blenny. The fourth, Catalina Luxfer, is chained to my office desk since we only got one cell and I can’t put her in with those yobbos.

“Nine folks went to the clinic with injuries, mostly smoke inhalation,” Marquette said. “And Lee Helm’s got second-degree burns from running into a food booth to steal corndogs. I’m still tallying what to charge who with.”

The arsonists defended their actions.

“Organizers’ fault, you know, putting them signs up for a Renaissance Fire,” Dermott Bottoms said. “We thought the flyers about a ‘faire’ were mistakes. ‘Fire’ makes more sense. Who the hell spells ‘fair’ with a ‘e’? They didn’t want stuff burned, they should’ve been clear on that.”

“We was just joining in, dressed like Huns since they didn’t have any of those yet,” Bottoms said. “Seemed odd they wanted that stuff burned, but we were happy to do our part. Thought it went off pretty well. It all burned real good. And fast. And that was a lot more fun than folks playing lutes and dressing funny. Can’t wait to do it again next year.”

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Wednesday vibes:

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Lusca Sightings Have Blacktip Island Divers On Edge

lusca

A photo of the remains of a lusca that washed ashore at Eagle Ray Cove in 1972. (Blacktip Times file photo)

Multiple reports of a lusca—a large sea creature with tentacles and teeth blamed for attacks in the Bahamas—this week have Blacktip Island’s scuba divers, snorkelers and swimmers wary of entering the water, island authorities said.

“Treated this as a hoax at first, but enough people say they’ve seen it, we got to take it seriously,” Island Police Constable Rafe Marquette said. “It’s basically a shark with tentacles, or an octopus with teeth, depending on who’s describing it, about 20 feet long.

“We’re telling folks to use their best judgement about going in the sea,” Marquette said. “No lusca attacks on record, but anything that big and that toothy, you got to be mindful of it. Can’t guarantee folks’ safety.”

Long-time locals say the threat is real.

“Been a while since a lusca’s come into the shallows,” local cryptozoologist Antonio Fletcher said. “Live way down the wall, under the island. That’s what gets divers who go too deep. Coming close to shore like this, it’s looking for food.  Or a host for its eggs. Divers’re right to be afraid. They’re the low-hanging fruit out there.

“Last month, couple of snorkelers had something grab ‘em. Came out of the water with suction-cup marks on their legs,” Fletcher said. “I warned folks then, but just got laughed off. This’s happened before, y’know. Got a photo from the ‘70s. And university studies confirmed it.”

Scientists disputed the claims.

“There’s no studies from this university confirming luscas, or any other sea monster,” Tiperon University-Blacktip marine biology professor Ernesto Mojarra said. “There’s zero evidence of such a cryptid’s existence other than a blurry photo of some unidentified blob on the beach from 50 years ago. Cramps and sunburn are threats to swimmers. A shark-to-pus, not so much.”

Divers remain wary.

“Fishermen see them all the time,” Chrissy Graysby said. “These sightings keep happening. I’m not going near the water ‘til somebody whacks this thing. Just last week it attacked a diver—he shoved his camera at it for defense, and it snatched the camera and swam away. Otherwise we’d have photos and video.”

Other locals suspect the sightings are part of a hoax.

“Dude, Payne Hanover has that giant octopus costume from his ‘Under the Sea’ beach party last year,” Alison Diesel said. “It’s right up his alley to prank people like this. Until somebody proves me wrong, I’m not buying it.”

Fletcher, meanwhile, is taking no chances.

“This thing’s dangerous,” he said. “It coming into the shallows, alarm bells should be flashing. We got to do something. Me, I go out in the afternoons, throw frozen pizzas and chicken strips into the sea. Ol’ lusca eats those, its arteries’ll clog and that’ll be the end of it.”

Payne Hanover denied possession of any costumes, octopus or otherwise.

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TGIW

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Fashion Week Brings Underwater Fashion Show To Blacktip Island

underwater fashion show

Blacktip Island’s amateur fashion designers will show off their creations underwater this weekend in the island’s inaugural underwater fashion show. (photo courtesy of Slava Zaitsev)

Aspiring local underwater fashion designers will show off their creations this weekend on Jawfish Reef, off Blacktip Island’s west coast, as a run up to next month’s New York Fashion Week.

“There’s a lot of untapped design talent on Blacktip, and it’s time the world recognized that,” show organizer Sue Nami said. “We have people doing some really exciting things with color and texture. The way these garments billow like algae in the current is stunning.

“The goal is to create designs that simply wouldn’t work on land,” Nami said. “Anyone can create clothes topside. These pieces flow so naturally they could be seaweed or soft coral or discarded plastic bags. It takes extra-ordinary skill to do ‘diaphanous’ successfully underwater.”

Garments will be constructed in a variety of confined-water venues, then showcased in open water.

“Designers are using pools at the various resorts, mostly in the evenings when guests are eating dinner,” fashion critic Vinny Abalone said. “A few are using blow-up pools and cisterns. Lee Helm’s doing his work in the booby pond, though there’s some debate on how his garments will function in the viscously-different sea water.

“Models will be dive staff, since they’re the most experienced on scuba and use the least air,” Abalone said. “We’re working out what the tides will be doing Saturday and Sunday so we can time the show when there’s just the right water movement. We pick the wrong time, our models might have their garments just hang there, or they could get swept away in the current.”

Designers say the underwater aspect offers intriguing challenges.

“The temptation is to go old stodge and use lots of neoprene, but that defeats the purpose, doesn’t it?” designer Dusky Blenny said. “The beauty of this is we can make garments that will flutter like underwater life. We’re breaking new ground here. Or water, rather.”

Others echoed that enthusiasm.

“I’m patterning my collection on stoplight parrotfish phases,” Joey Pompano said. “I’m mimicking scales and colors of juvenile, male-and-female adults, and terminal phase to emphasize that while all these fish may look so different, they’re actually the same species at different stages of development. Like much of the island’s dive staff.”

Some dive professionals were concerned about safety during the show.

“It’s fine to talk about ‘diaphanous robes,’ but what happens when one wraps itself around a model’s head, or gets tangled in a regulator?” Eagle Ray Divers operations manager Ger Latner said. “And if currents shift unexpectedly, folks could get blown over the wall.

“We’ll have rescue divers hovering over the catwalk, and a line of divers carabinered in down current to grab any flailing models as they fly past,” Latner said. “Can’t stop this nonsense, but we can try to control it. And create a new specialty course.”

The show will be streamed live to all island bars. The winner will receive an application to New York’s Fashion Institute of Technology.

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Blacktip Island To Elect New Village Idiot

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The Sand Spit bar will be the sole polling location for Blacktip Island’s annual Village Idiot vote this weekend. (photo courtesy of Cori Anders) – Oct 2017


Blacktip Island residents this Saturday will choose the small Caribbean island’s 2022/23 Village Idiot, the annual event marking the end of the dog days of summer, organizers said.

“This time of year, everybody gets a little goofy,” Idiot vote organizer Lefty Wright said. “It was an unofficial title for the longest time, then we decided to formalize it, make it a kind of honor. The person with the most votes wins one get-out-of-jail-free card and a reserved seat at each of the island bars. And a t-shirt.

“Voting’s based on an individuals’ behavior over the last 12 months,” Wright said. “Emphasis is on the stupidest actions, ideas and suggestions people come up with. It’s a great way to boost everybody’s spirits during these hot days.

As ever, competition is expected to be fierce.

“Most years, the hard part’s sorting through all the options,” Wendy Beaufort said. “Honestly, half the people on this island are worthy of the title. It usually comes down to who commits the most memorable idiocies, though some winners earn the title through their entire body of work.

“Right now, Dermott Bottoms is favored to keep the title,” Beaufort said. “He has some serious competition, though: Lee Helm’s always a contender, and Linford Blenny’s making a late surge. His peeing in the wall outlet last month may have put him over the top.”

Some expect dark horse candidates to make strong showings.

“It’s a wide-open field,” Billy Ray said. “In addition to the favorites, you have Gage Hoase trying to walk across the booby pond with tennis rackets on his feet. There’s Alison Diesel who got bit hugging a shark on a dare. And Angela Fisher’s telling everybody the Nassau groupers can control people’s thoughts.”

Others were critical of the contest.

“People are celebrating others having serious mental health issues,” Helen Maples said. “Many of these people need counseling, or medication, or both. Instead they’re being lionized. I don’t know whether this island attracts the mentally unstable, or if it creates them, but we have more than our fair share. That needs to be addressed in a responsible manner, not by everyone getting falling-down drunk.”

The voting will take place at the Sand Spit bar.

“I’ll be on duty all day, making sure folks only vote once,” bartender Cori Anders said. “Last year Vinson Noboddie tried to stuff the ballot box by voting for himself five times. Luckily, his crappy handwriting gave him away.” Votes will be counted publicly at the end of the night. In the case of a tie, those with the most votes will be declared co-idiots.

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Sing along if you know the words:

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Scientists To Unleash Robotic Fish On Blacktip Island Reefs

robot fish

The teeth of Tiperon University-Blacktip’s biorobotic shark have been covered with plastic tubing after an incident that injured two research assistants Wednesday. (photo courtesy of Z22)

After a recent reef survey revealed declining fish numbers, Blacktip Island civic leaders this week launched a controversial plan to repopulate the small Caribbean island’s reefs with robotic fish island, officials said.

“We’re seeing drops in the number of species as well as overall population of fish on our reefs,” de facto mayor Jack Cobia said. “That really dings our tourism product, so we had to do something before folks take their scuba vacations someplace else. Since the fish aren’t breeding fast enough, it makes sense to boost their numbers with robots.

“The pointy-heads down at the university’ve been working on micro technology, and this project’s the perfect opportunity to see if that stuff actually works,” Cobia said. “They’re making everything from little pike blennies up to sharks and manta rays. Our world-class scuba diving is about to get supercharged.”

Tiperon University-Blacktip scientists have embraced the task.

“This is a chance to really put our biorobotic technology to the test,” TU-B engineering department chair Sally Port said. “We’ve combined biological tissue with mechanical systems to create news forms of fauna. Releasing them on the reef is an exciting next step. These aren’t fake fish. They’re better fish.

“Natural tail movement was simple enough,” Port said. “Now we’re fine tuning the motion of the pectoral fins, eyes and gills to make the creatures as realistic as possible. So far we’ve only had one mishap, with our mechanical reef shark. But the two interns are healing nicely.”

Some ecologists objected to the plan.

“Long term, this will actually do more harm to the reefs than good,” ecologist Harry Pickett said. “These gizmos may look like fish, but they’ll wreak havoc on the underwater ecosystem. They’re hundreds of Frankenstein’s monsters with fins.

“The big concern is all these cyborgs will scare off the real fish,” Pickett said. “That could start a spiral that ends with there being more fake fish than real ones. And what happens when they turn on the divers, like that shark did to the two researchers? Sally and her team have no control over these things. This a nightmare in the making.”

Dive operators were generally supportive.

“Frankly, most of our diving guests won’t know the difference between the Franken-fish and real ones,” Eagle Ray Divers operations manager Ger Latner said. “And if they have to fight off one or two, well, that makes their dive more exciting. When they have fun, they’re happy. And if they come up smiling, we’re happy.”

Port echoed that sentiment.

“We’re creating new life forms,” she said. “That inherently enhances the dive experience. I’m hoping our babies can breed with each other. And with other fish, to create even more new species.”

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Aaah . . . made it to Wednesday. Here’s dolphins: 

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