Tag Archives: flat earth

Blacktip Islanders Form Flat Earth Council Chapter

flat earth society

Blacktip Island’s Flat Earth Council members are using a modern version of a medieval T-and-O map—centered on Jerusalem, with east at the top as with the original T-and-Os— as evidence the Earth is not spherical. (infographic courtesy of Foobaz)

A pair of Blacktip Islanders this week founded a chapter of the Flat Earth Council, an international organization devoted to proving the planet is not spherical, in an effort to rebut comments made by scientists at a recent astrology lecture on the small Caribbean island.

“We’re tired of folks telling us we live on a giant ball, when we obviously don’t,” Blacktip Island FEC president B.C. Flote said. “FEC’s got chapters all around the globe, and it’s about time we got one here to combat the flat-out lies being spread. Shouldn’t have to prove something so obvious, but here we are.

“We’re clearly living on a giant flying pancake in space,” Flote said. “Ancient Greeks and Egyptians knew it— Herodotus and Balzac and all them. St. Augustine, too. Think about it—no matter how high up a mountain you climb, the horizon’s always at eye level. If that doesn’t prove it, I don’t know what does.”

The chapter’s other member was more conspiracy minded.

“All those photos from space showing a curvy Earth are part of the hoax,” Goldie Goby said. “Bill Gates and NASA and the global Illuminati all have a vested interest in the spherical Earth concept. That’s how they make their money. And keep us in line.

“And the Earth’s actually more of a bowl than a pancake,” Goby said. “The Arctic’s in the center, and the Antarctic’s a giant wall of ice around the outside, kind of like the salt on the rim of a margarita glass. Except it’s ice, not salt. NASA security folks guard the wall and keep people from falling off the other side.”

The island’s scientific community derided the idea.

“The idea of the Earth being flat is a relic of the Bronze age,” Tiperon University-Blacktip astrology professor Sally Port said. “Aristotle even calculated the circumference in the 3rd-Century BCE. This isn’t new stuff. Goldie and B.C. need to send their T-and-O maps back to the Middle Ages. But she’s an Aries and he’s a Scorpio, so what can you do?

“Every space agency in the world has photos of a nice, round Earth, just like all the other planets,” Port said. “And if that’s not proof enough, if the Earth were flat, cats would have knocked everything off the edges long before now. Think about it.”

Flote rebutted that criticism.

“Saying Aristotle proved the world’s round isn’t saying much,” he said. “You can’t trust Greeks using Arabic numerals. A giant snow globe dome’s the only thing keeping us safe, and Sally knows it.”

Island authorities are taking a wait-and-see approach to the group.

“So long as they’re not drunk-brawling or tearing anything up, I have no problem with them,” Island Police Constable Rafe Marquette said. “So far, they’re harmless. And if this keeps them out of the bars and off the roads, preferably both, I’m all for it.”

Leave a comment

Filed under best scuba diving novels, Caribbean, Scuba Diving

Gravity Doesn’t Exist On Blacktip Island, Study Says

no gravity

Researchers with the Caribbean Anti-Newtonian Society’s Blacktip Island laboratory used a Bose-Einstein condensate – a cloud of super-cooled Rubidium atoms in a laser trap (pictured) – to reach their conclusion that gravity does not exist on the small Caribbean island. (photo courtesy of Steve Jurvetson)

Researchers from the Blacktip Island chapter of the Caribbean Anti-Newtonian Society on Thursday released the results of a study showing gravity does not exist on the small island.

“Isaac Newton was a first-rate huckster who convinced people there was gravity so he could sell them science books,” CANS spokesman Harry ‘Scratcher’ Wrasse said. “Then the church and the Rosicrucians piled on. If there’s a force so strong it can hold down all the people and buildings and oceans, why can birds, smoke and helium balloons escape it? It’s fake science.

“Our tests show a lack of so-called gravity on Blacktip,” Wrasse said. “And we’ll be replicating our tests on other islands soon, to see if it’s a localized thing or something global.”

The island’s scientific community quickly rebutted the study.

“I can’t believe I’m actually having to say this, but there are centuries of proof that gravitational forces exists,” said Tiperon University-Blacktip physics chair Olive Beaugregory. “Gravity went from ‘theory’ to ‘law’ a long time ago.

“It’s interesting that Harry and his colleagues don’t offer any alternative explanation for one of the fundamental forces of physics,” Beaugregory said.

Wrasse was quick to defend the CANS findings.

“We’re not sure what exactly keeps things stuck to the island just yet,” he said. “That’s another study. And it in no way invalidates this one.”

A TU-B press conference explaining Newtonian gravitational theory and general relativity, scheduled for Thursday evening, was cancelled due to protestors outside the island’s Heritage House.

“They had fire in their eyes and were waving torches and rum bottles,” Beaugregory said. “We’ll try again when things cool off and people are sober. Or as sober as they’re going to get. Maybe a 10 a.m. talk.”

Many of the protestors defended the report.

“It does answer a lot of questions,” Theosophy League president Antonio Fletcher said. “If something’s strong enough to stick me to the Earth, how come I can still raise my arms? String theory explains it, you know. Invisible strings hold everything in place.”

Others protestors focused their ire on university scientists.

“Calling it ‘science’ don’t mean it’s true,” Dermott Bottoms said. “Science is just a bunch of know-it-alls trying to prove stuff. Weight makes things stick to the ground. Negative Weight makes things fly. That’s just common sense.”

Others locals saw the CANS report as validation of existing theories.

“This is more proof the Earth’s flat,” bartender Kenny Chromis said. “We’re on a giant plate flying up through space. The acceleration keeps us stuck to the surface.”

Others scoffed at that explanation.

“Everyone knows the Earth’s balanced on the back of a giant turtle,” Catalina Luxfer said. “It’s the turtle’s motion that keeps us on the ground. Duh.”

Leave a comment

Filed under Caribbean, Writing