Tag Archives: election

November 1, 2024 · 7:50 am

Payoff Accusations Mar Blacktip Island’s Mayoral Race

Vote-buying accusations have heightened tensions in Blacktip Island’s already-heated mayor’s race. (photo by Sampson Post / BTT staff)

Blacktip Island’s hotly-contested mayoral election, scheduled for Tuesday, became supercharged this week when challenger and political newcomer Pinky Bottoms accused incumbent Jack Cobia’s campaign of paying voters ahead of time.

“When you have voters saying, ‘I’m voting for Jack because he paid me more,’ that’s a problem,” Bottoms said. “And we’re hearing that from multiple voters. This is a democracy. You don’t just buy voters. Not like that, anyway.

“This strikes at the heart of why I’m running against Jack,” she said. “This shameless, unchecked corruption is poisoning Blacktip’s political and social fabric. Jack started at the bottom and dug down from there. His time on the gravy train needs to end.”

Cobia defended his campaign’s actions.

“Pinky’s just mad ‘cause we’re paying more than she is,” he said. “I gotta do something to level the playing field, running against a Bottoms. If the extended Bottoms clan voted as a block, they’d run the island. The key for us is to split the Bottoms vote, and a little beer money here and there’s the best way to do that.”

Island political observers noted the island’s unique political structure played an oversized role.

“Blacktip really doesn’t have political parties, per se,” political watchdog Ginger Bass said. “Oh, they label and relabel themselves every election cycle, but they’re not divided on ideological lines like left-vs-right, or big government-vs-small government. It’s more a matter of whose cousin’s running and who you’re most-closely related to.

“On Blacktip, the family trees don’t have many branches,” Bass said. “And in the case of the Bottoms, damn near every local’s related to them somehow. That’s not an excuse for bribing voters, but it is necessary to recognize Jack’s up against a potentially-unstoppable voter base.”

Island residents were more concerned about important local issues than in election irregularities.

“The big issues are bars and roads,” Rusty Goby said. “Jack and Pinky both want the bars to stay open longer, so they’ve got my support on that. But Jack wants to pave both the roads, while Pinky wants to keep ‘em dirt. I’m voting for Pinky unless Jack drops some hefty dosh in my pocket.”

Local officials said there will be a zero-tolerance electioneering policy at the island’s sole polling place Tuesday.

“We won’t stand for any sort of inducement or improper influencing of voters at the Customs house,” Island Police Constable Rafe Marquette said. “You have any shenanigans to pull, get that out of the way before you come to vote. I’ll be on duty outside, and Noddy Bolin, the Customs agent, will be watching inside. Ol’ Noddy, he has an old-school belaying pin he won’t hesitate to use on miscreants.”

Voting begins at 7 a.m. Tuesday. Poll watchers from both campaigns will be on hand to monitor the process.

Blacktip Island Former Mayor To Launch Re-Election Campaign

cobia launches re-election

Former Blacktip Island mayor Jack Cobia hopes to oust incumbent Melvin the hermit crab in next month’s island-wide mayoral election. (photo courtesy of Rushen)

Former Blacktip Island Mayor Jack Cobia will launch his re-election campaign this afternoon at the Last Ballyhoo bar, hoping to regain the office he lost to Melvin the hermit crab four years ago.

“The people of Blacktip deserve more than this do-nothing excuse for government,” Cobia said. “People’re suffering economically and physically, and Melvin has no plan to address that. He’s not even aware of it. That needs to change. Pronto.

“Prices on Blacktip are too high,” Cobia said. “We need to drop the tax on alcohol. And cigarettes. I have plans to lower, and cap, prices at Peachy Bottoms’ store, too. Just because it’s the only store on the island doesn’t mean she can charge extortionary prices.”

Island residents were indifferent to the announcement.

“Got no problem with how things are now,” Antonio Fletcher said. “Our mayor may be a hermit crab, but he don’t do anything to complicate my life. So long as he leaves me alone, I’ll vote for him again. Jack’s just stirring things up for personal gain. Like he always does.

“The position’s honorary, and unpaid,” Fletcher said. “Jack don’t have the power to make good on any of his campaign promises. He just wants the title for his ego. That’s not an issue with Melvin.”

Others were more hostile to Cobia’s campaign.

“Jack’s got no right telling me what I can charge at my store,” Peachy Bottoms said. “This’s a free market, and folks don’t have to buy groceries from me. They’re free to buy food from the big island and have it shipped over. I provide a service. Sure, a bunch of grapes costs $25, but when you factor in spoilage and transport and economy of scale, that’s a fair price for living in paradise. Or whatever this is.”

Others supported Cobia’s bid.

“I’m 110 percent behind Jack with his plans to scuttle taxes on booze and smokes,” Gage Hoase said. “And lowering prices at the store. Plus, he’s a genius for saying the constable should to stay in police station unless there’s an actual emergency. That’ll eliminate all those pesky drunk-driving roadblocks.”

This afternoon’s announcement will be followed by a campaign rally with free drinks provided by the Cobia campaign. The Blacktip Times could neither confirm nor deny reports of Cobia making cash payments to voters.

Mud-Slinging Contest Winner Will Be Blacktip Island’s Mayor

A hastily-dug mud pit outside Blacktip Island’s Heritage House will be the site of today’s tie-breaking mayoral mud-slinging contest. (Photo courtesy of Led Waite/Blacktip Island Elections Office)

A constitutional crisis was averted Thurssday when election officials invoked a little-known amendment to make literal mud-slinging determine who will be Blacktip Island’s mayor after the candidates tied in the popular vote.

Incumbent Jack Cobia and challenger Antonio Fletcher finished the election with four votes each. At noon today the men will strip to their shorts, stand 10 paces apart in a mud pit at the island’s Heritage House and throw sludge at each other.

“Blacktip Island’s founders knew these races would get ugly,” Elections Supervisor Ledford Waite said. “They put in an appropriate tie-breaker that would reflect a messy political campaign and entertain the voters at the same time.

“The constitution say the mayor needs ‘to have a strong arm,’” Waite said. “It also states that, in the event of a draw, throwing mud establishes that ability, as well as the grit to take a shot to the face and stay standing.”

The last-minute announcement had community leaders scrambling.

“We had to dig a mud pit quick-like-the-bunny,” said Public Works chief Stoney MacAdam. “The tricky part was mixing the mud to the right consistency. Too wet, it won’t throw. Too dry, it won’t stick.

“Had to slap together stands for 100 people, too,” MacAdam said. “Legally, we have to provide a clear viewing opportunity for the entire population so they can witness the electoral process first-hand and see the election’s not rigged.”

The last candidate standing will be declared the winner. Election observers have been on site since Wednesday to ensure no rocks, coral or other contraband are hidden in the mud.

“Last recorded mud-off was the infamous Skerritt-Bottoms contest of 1804,” Waite said. “Booger Bottoms’ supporters snuck loads of iguana guano into his section of the pit so he could throw that at Ferris Skerritt.

“The plan backfired, though, since Booger had to get hip-deep in the muck to throw it,” Waite said. “He ended up with more on him than he got on Ferris. It cost him the election.”

Antonio Fletcher was confident in his chances Friday.

“I’m not scared, you know,” Antonio Fletcher said. “Jack, he cheats at dominoes and everything else, but no way he can cheat at this in front of God and everyone.”

Jack Cobia was equally optimistic.

“If ‘Tonio thinks I’ll take it easy on him ‘cause he’s an old man, he’s got another thing coming,” Cobia said. “It’s my duty to whomp him. No way some non-alcoholic-beer drinker’s gonna represent this island.”

Island voters are eager for the contest.

“It’s perfect,” said resident Finn Kiick. “Jack and Antonio’ve been slinging figurative mud at each other for months. Time they finally used the real stuff.

“I voted for ‘Tonio, but my money’s on Jack in this one,” Kiick said. “He played Little League back in the day, and he’s still got that outfielder’s arm. He throws with his fingers together, ‘Tonio’s toast.”

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Filed under Caribbean

Tagged as Blacktip Island, blog fiction, election, humor, mud slinging, rigged elections, Tim W. Jackson

October 24, 2014 · 7:03 am

Blacktip Island Elects Hermit Crab Mayor

Neville the hermit crab is Blacktip Island’s new mayor. Neville’s know-nothing, do-nothing policies appealed to local environmentalists as well as to the island’s crustaceans.

An overwhelming majority of Blacktip Island voters Thursday elected popular hermit crab, Neville, as mayor. Neville received 83 percent of the Caribbean island’s popular vote to incumbent Jack Cobia’s 16 percent.

“The margin of victory is especially impressive considering there’s only 112 people on the island,” Supervisor of Elections Suzie Souccup said. “And most of them were too drunk to vote.”

“We got tired of politicians promising the moon and sun, then reneging when they take office,” Blacktip resident Nelson Seagroves said. “Now we’ve elected a mayor who won’t lie, cheat or steal.

“Neville’s the ultimate insider the island needs. He’s lived on Blacktip Island all his life, and his family’s been here generations. He knows the community and its issues inside and out.”

“The best thing is he works for peanuts,” Club Scuba Doo general manager Polly Parrett said. “Well, cracked-open coconuts, anyway. And he won’t take a bribe. He’s not physically capable.”

Neville’s opponents are outraged.

“This is a travesty and a mockery of the democratic process,” outgoing mayor Jack Cobia said. “We’re talking about a damn crab who has no policies and can’t even talk. ‘Crab of the people’ my hind foot. It’s a vast crustacean conspiracy, pure and simple.”

“After the last few mayors, someone who does nothing will be a nice change,” Neville supporter Gage Hoase said. “If he doesn’t do anything, he can’t screw up anything.”

Some business leaders worry Neville’s election will put the brakes on the island’s recent development boom.

“He’s a soldier crab. He loves the sea grapes,” Skerritt Construction’s Ferris Skerritt said. “His kind live under the dead leaves. First thing he’ll do is ban anyone cutting trees. If we can’t clear land, we can’t build houses. That kind of extremism’ll kill the island’s economy.”

Other locals worry the new administration will curtail traditional pastimes.

“He’s anti-fishing, I guarantee you that,” Dermott Bottoms said. “What soldier crab isn’t? He lost too many friends and family as snapper bait. He outlaws fishing, how we gonna feed our families? And what’ll we do while we drink beer?”

Most locals, however, are taking a wait-and-see attitude.

“It’s not a big deal,” Eagle Ray Cove bartender Mallory LaTrode said. “It’s Blacktip. People here sort things out among themselves anyway. What has me worried is our new vice-mayor is a black widow spider.”