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April 17, 2015 · 6:37 am

Blacktip Island Players to Stage Underwater “Winter’s Tale”

Cast members hit their marks while rehearsing for the Blacktip Island Community Players’ underwater production of “The Winter’s Tale.”

Cast members hit their marks while rehearsing for the Blacktip Island Community Players underwater production of “The Winter’s Tale.”

The Blacktip Island Community Players will stage an underwater version of Shakespeare’s ‘The Winter’s Tale’ for their spring production, with all dialogue performed with scuba hand signals.

“This play’s a spring classic,” said director Doris Blenny, “Plus, with so much of the play set on the Bohemian coast, and with scuba diving being so central to our island life, it seemed natural to cast it in an underwater milieu.”

The underwater production was inspired by the success of last fall’s semi-submerged ‘The Somonyng of Everyman.’

“This is the first Shakespearean production performed solely with scuba signs,” Blenny said. “‘As You like It’ was done in American Sign Language several years ago, and there was a mimed version of ‘Titus Andronicus,’ but we’re doing something quite different here.”

“We had to invent all kinds of new hand signals for Elizabethan words and phrases,” retired linguistics professor and cast member Frank Maples said. “‘Fardel,’ ‘bawcock,’ and ‘the verier wit’ were especially challenging.”

The cast includes

  • Frank Maples as Leontes
  • Kitty Smarr as Hermione
  • Jay Valve as Polixenes
  • Finn Kiick as Florizel
  • Polly Parrett as Perdita
  • Payne Hanover as Autolycus

Lee Helm is temporarily standing in as Antigonus after the company lost several actors in rehearsal mishaps.

“That ‘Exeunt, pursued by a shark,’ stage direction’s been phenomenal in walk throughs,” Payne Hanover said. “But it’s played hell with our Antigonuses. We’ve had to replace him three times. And counting.”

The play opens on Earth Day, April 22, with all proceeds from the first day’s show going to the Coral Reef Awareness and Preservation fund.

“Our staging emphasizes reef conservation,” Blenny said. “Two coral heads will serve as the backdrops for the Kingdoms of Sicily and Bohemia.

“We also have schools of French grunts and schoolmaster snappers trained to play the respective courts,” Blenny said. “Of course, the occasional snapper will nip an actor’s fingers, but a bit of blood’s necessary for any art.”

Limited kneeling space will be available in the sand around the underwater stage. Seating and a live video feed will be available at the Sand Spit bar. The bar will feature Sicilian wines and Bohemia-brand beer.

A ban on hand heckling from the underwater audience will be strictly enforced.

“Japes and cat-calling were a tradition at the original Globe Theatre,” Blenny said, “but we’ll have none of that here. Anyone gesticulating or making rude gestures will be escorted to the surface.”

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April 10, 2015 · 10:02 am

Mutant Mosquitoes Overwhelm Blacktip Island

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Genetically-modified mosquitoes have created a public safety emergency on Blacktip Island. (photo by Vlieg)

 

In a case of pest control gone wrong, genetically-altered mosquitoes released on Blacktip Island to combat the native mosquito population have instead mutated into giant insects now threatening the island’s wellbeing.

“All the experts said this’d work,” Blacktip Island Public Safety chief Rocky Shore said. “All the run-throughs tested to specs. We sterilized the mosquitoes with radiation, then turned them loose to mate with the locals. Our mosquito numbers should’ve dropped 75-80 percent.

“Instead, they’re breeding like rabbits, and getting bigger each generation,” Shore said. “Gamma rays were the fly in the ointment. The lab folks saved money using gammas instead of the standard beta rays. We’re still tracking who signed off on that.”

The resulting mosquito swarms have island residents on edge.

“Some of these suckers are the size of peregrine falcons,” Eagle Ray Cove owner Rich Skerritt said. “And bright green. We’re telling our guests to not piss them off and to stay inside after dark.”

The plan’s critics were more vocal.

“We warned this could happen,” said Tiperon University-Blacktip entomology professor Belinda Graysby. “It’s classical biological pest control gone wonky. Like cane toads in Australia and mongooses in Hawaii, the solution’s worse than the original problem. This could make Blacktip uninhabitable. And yes, it’s ‘mongooses.’”

Others worry about the mosquitoes’ impact on island wildlife.

“These mossies’ve wiped out the island’s birds,” Blacktip Island Audubon Society president Sula Beakins said. “And the iguanas. They’ve moved on to feral cats, but what will they prey on once the cats are gone?”

Sports enthusiasts, meanwhile, have embraced the growing mosquito threat.

“We hang fresh steaks outside to draw ‘em in,” Blacktip Skeet Club president B.C. Flote said. “Then we break out the shotguns, and when the skeeters come over the tree line, we all open fire.

“We give the kids tennis rackets to swat any little ones that get through, too,” Flote said. “It’s good family fun, and it helps the community.”

Concerns remain, however, about how large the mosquitoes will grow and their impact on island businesses.

“Used to be, a light breeze’d keep the bugs down,” Eagle Ray Cove’s Skerritt said. “These things, though, they’ll fly in anything up to 20, 25 knots. They just about dragged off two guests yesterday. Small children, you understand, but the threat’s real. And growing.”

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April 3, 2015 · 7:06 am

Blacktip Island Hosts Annual Stupid Question Contest

The 2015 Stupid Guest Question Invitational winner will receive the coveted My Teeth Hurt Necklace of Shame as well as free drinks and diving.

The 2015 Stupid Guest Question Invitational winner will receive the coveted My Teeth Hurt Necklace of Shame as well as free drinks and diving.

Eagle Ray Cove resort will host Blacktip Island’s 13th annual Stupid Guest Question Invitational Saturday.

Contestants are nominated by Blacktip Island’s dive staffs based on the most cringe-worthy inquiries from scuba diving guests during the past year.

“People who say, ‘there’s no such thing as a stupid question’ have never worked a dive boat,” Eagle Ray Divers operations manager Ger Latner said. “Some of these people, I swear, they leave their brains at home when they come down here.”

“We get some doozies,” Club Scuba Doo dive manager Finn Kiick said. “We jot them down in a notebook, then when it’s nomination time, out comes the book and, voila, we have a field day.”

Contestants will dress in suitable scuba attire, stand on the stern of a dive boat tied to the Eagle Ray Divers dock, and repeat their question for a dockside audience. The winner will be chosen by audience reaction.

“It’s frightening, really,” Sandy Bottoms divemaster Lee Helm said. “I mean, these are doctors, attorneys, captains of industry. And these words actually come out their mouths.”

Last year’s top questions included:

  • “Does the island go all the way to the bottom?”
  • “Why’s the ocean taste salty?”
  • “How long does an hour massage last?”
  • “Do the small tanks hold less air than the big ones?”
  • “What does coconut rum taste like?”
  • “What island is this?”
  • “So, you’re saying it’s bad to go into decompression?”

The winner will be awarded the My Teeth Hurt Necklace of Shame and have his or her mouth duct taped shut for the remainder of the evening.

“We usually throw in drinks and some free diving for the winner, too,” Eagle Ray Divers’ Latner said. “But they’re not allowed to ask any more questions.”

The prizes have made the contest a guest favorite, with most competitors excited to be chosen.

“You have to realize all these questions, in context, seem quite reasonable at the time,” said 2014 Invitational champion Georgie Passaic, who won with, ‘Was that an eel or a lobster?’

“Hell, I ask my wife stupider questions than that every day,” Passaic said.

“You could’ve knocked me over with a feather when I got nominated,” 2015 contestant Suzy Souccup said. “Sure, it’s a little embarrassing, but maybe now I’ll finally get an answer to what you call those fish that fly.”

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March 27, 2015 · 7:18 am

Blacktip Island Nutritionist Touts New ‘Pirate Diet’

Rum and chicken wings are health foods with the new Pirate Diet.

Rum and chicken wings are health foods with the new Pirate Diet.

A Blacktip Island nutritionist is promoting a new eating regimen, dubbed the Pirate Diet, that promotes healthy weight loss by replicating the eating habits of 16th– and 17th-Century buccaneers.

“This is no fad. The diet’s rooted in science and historical fact,” said nutritionist Leah Shore, the diet’s creator. “It incorporates everyday, modern foods that mimic the foods our pre-industrialized forebears thrived on.

“Our ancestors were raised on this stuff,” Shore said. “It’s in our DNA. We’re simply not hardwired for salad and soy and light beer.”

Shore maintains the diet causes the body to catalyze stored fat into lean muscle due to meals high in protein, fat and rum.

“Rum’s the key,” Shore said. “It gives a net alkaline load that balances dietary acid. High rum intake also ensures you burn through any carbohydrate-induced statins and free radicals.”

Local pirate dieters rave about the results.

“I’ve been eating pirate style for months now, and I feel fantastic,” divemaster Marina DeLow said. “Plus, there’s no calorie counting. I eat what I want, drink as much as I want and pass out before I can overeat.”

A strict exercise regimen accompanies the diet.

“Piraters engage in alternating days of cutlass fighting, ship boarding and planking,” Shore said. “Walking on planks, that is. Long rest periods are essential, too, preferably in a hammock.”

Local health professionals, however, are critical of the diet’s historical basis.

“It is impossible to know what 17th-Century buccaneers ate,” said Dr. Azul Tang of Tiperon University-Blacktip. “We do know they had notoriously-short lifespans, though, and there is zero evidence of anyone in the 1650s living on hot wings and Flor de Caña.”

Tang also questioned the diet’s safety.

“This sort of fad diet can wreak havoc on the human body,” Tang said. “Take a look at any of this island’s divemasters.

“And none of the diet’s proponents have addressed its associated memory loss and verbal aphasia,” Tang added.

Shore was quick to defend the diet.

“After a few months you might catch yourself slipping into odd speech patterns,” Shore said. “And you may notice a heightened fondness for parrots. But the health benefits far outweigh a few minor side effects.”

Pirate dieters echoed that sentiment.

“When first I heard of this diet I thought to meself, ‘Ar, that be a pile o’ guano,’” DeLow said. “But here I be, fit as any two seafaring men with wooden legs.”

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March 20, 2015 · 6:40 am

Protestors Disrupt Blacktip Island’s Spring Lionfish Hunt

One of the invasive Indo-Pacific lionfish run to ground in last spring’s Hunting of the Lionfish.

One of the invasive Indo-Pacific lionfish run to ground in last spring’s Hunting of the Lionfish.

Animal rights activists converged on Blacktip Island Friday to protest the Caribbean island’s traditional spring Hunting of the Lionfish.

“These yahoos have turned population control into a blood sport,” Blacktip Island People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals president Harry Pickett said. “Lionfish are part of the ecosystem now, like it or not, and these barbarians are inflicting unnecessary suffering for the sake of entertainment.”

Hunt organizers rushed to defend the Hunt as a means to combat the invasive red lionfish that have overwhelmed Blacktip Island’s reefs.

“It’s not barbaric, it’s pest control,” Hunt Master Jay Valve said. “Lionfish are vermin. If they eat all our reef fish, what happens to our tourism product?”

“The Hunt maximizes limited resources,” said Red Reynard, the Hunt’s Master of the Grouper. “There were too many lionfish and not enough divers, or bottom time, to keep them in check.

“We turned the tables by importing specially-trained English scent-groupers to chase them down,” Reynard said. “We loose the grouper, have our whippers-in shoo them in the right direction, and the hunters follow on underwater scooters, gigging any stripeys that go to ground.”

The use of grouper draws the most criticism.

“Proper wildlife management procedure is to simply spear the lionfish, one by one, not chase them across the reef and let big fish tear them to shreds,” PETA’s Pickett said.

Other opponents leveled harsher criticism.

“The Hunt is morally wrong,” Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Piscines member Edwin Chub said. “Lionfish have a right to life, just as any other fish. And these allegedly-trained grouper are indiscriminate. They kill parrotfish, squirrelfish, anything that doesn’t get out of their way fast enough.”

Island authorities are urging caution from protestors and hunters after an attempt to disrupt last year’s hunt went awry.

“The SPCP people dressed as lionfish, rubbed fish guts all over themselves, then scuba dived through the middle of the chase,” Island Police Constable Rafe Marquette said. “It was mayhem, with chunks of flesh and lionfish costume flying everywhere.

“The hunters made it worse, goading on the grouper with those underwater horns hooked up to power inflators.”

“We were lawfully monitoring the Hunt for animal cruelty,” Chub said. “Our attorneys are still pursuing aggravated assault charges.”

“Those fish hippies had it coming,” Reynard said, “but it was frightening to see what a pack of hunting grouper can do to an unsuspecting diver. The same will happen this year, too, if they vex us again.”

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March 13, 2015 · 6:58 am

Public Works to Launch Shore Divers From Quarry

A sinkhole at Blacktip Island’s limestone quarry has been converted into a state of the art shore diving entry point.

A sinkhole at Blacktip Island’s limestone quarry has been converted into a state of the art shore diving entry point.

A setback at Blacktip Island’s limestone quarry has yielded unexpected benefits for scuba divers after a local entrepreneur converted a sinkhole into a shore diving entry site.

“That hole opened up when we were blasting,” said Department of Public Works chief Dusty Rhodes. “I mean, BOOM! And water spewed up like Old Faithful. Flooded the quarry. Sunk three gravel trucks.”

“Damned if we didn’t tap into a flue that runs out to the sea,” Rhodes said. “Whole site was a total write off until ol’ Doc Plank stepped in.”

“This limestone chute’s a stroke of luck,” Bamboo You dive equipment founder Piers ‘Doc’ Plank said. “Too often rough seas make beach entries and exits impossible for scuba divers. With this tunnel starting a quarter mile inland and coming out 40 feet deep on the wall, shore divers can get in and out safely 365 days a year.”

The tunnel was modified to further ensure diver safety.

“We’ve rigged a hydraulic piston to whoosh divers out the chute to eliminate the danger of a half-mile cave dive,” Plank said. “To bring divers back in, we just reverse the process.”

Island divemasters volunteered to test the launch and retrieval system.

“First time, I shot out like a torpedo,” divemaster Alison Diesel said. “Scared the bejesus out of a reef shark, and I’m still trying to get the inside of my wetsuit clean.”

“When they suck you back, you pop out that chute like a cork from a champagne bottle,” divemaster Gage Hoase said. “This morning Lee Helm did a double gainer before he dropped back in. It was beautiful to watch. From a distance.”

Bamboo You has produced a variety of chute-specific bamboo diving accessories including helmets, neck braces and body armor. They will also offer a cleaning service for soiled wetsuits.

Plank and Rhodes said divers who don’t wish to dive in the ocean are welcome.

“Most people learn to scuba in a quarry, then come dive in the warm Caribbean,” Plank said. “Well, here you can learn in the ocean, then dive in a quarry. For a fee, of course.”

“We’re stocking the place with carp and catfish,” Rhodes said. “And we got a line on an old school bus and a couple-three lawn mowers we’ll add to the sunken gravel trucks to enhance the quarry experience.”

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March 6, 2015 · 10:10 am

Underwater Golf Comes To Blacktip Island

A groundskeeper prepares the first tee at Sandy Bottoms’ Beach Resort’s new underwater gold course for Friday’s grand opening.

A groundskeeper prepares the first tee at Sandy Bottoms’ Beach Resort’s new underwater golf course for Friday’s grand opening.

Blacktip Island golfers will tee off underwater Friday when Sandy Bottoms Beach Resort opens its 18-hole underwater golf course, allowing scuba divers to tour the island’s reefs while golfing.

“A lot of our guests felt left out,” resort owner Sandy Bottoms said. “Scuba golf reaches out to a broader demographic eager for underwater activities and topside attractions.

“It’s the first of its kind in the Caribbean,” Bottoms said “There was a place over in China tried it last year, but their caddies kept drowning.”

“It’s like regular golf, really,” course designer Rocky Shore said, “Except the course hazards are hungry barracuda, coral heads and jellyfish.”

“Another challenge is mantis shrimp claiming the holes,” Shore said. “We shoo them out, but they scuttle right back. Then one claw snap and BAM! your ball’s in a hundred pieces.”

Resort guests had mixed reactions to the new activity.

“I like to dive, and my wife likes to golf,” visitor Buddy Brunnez said. “Now we can dive and golf together. I’m not sure that’s a good thing. For either of us.”

Non-golfing divers complain the course is laid out across a dozen of the island’s most popular dive sites.

“They’re dropping folks into an incredibly fragile ecosystem to flail around with clubs,” Blacktip Haven resort owner Elena Havens said. “We’ve already seen scolfers blasting out of coral heads with pitching wedges and whacking balls at stingrays.

“And what of the habitat destroyed creating this atrocity?” Haven said.

Bottoms was quick to allay environmental concerns.

“We chose sandy areas for each hole,” Bottoms said. “There was no need to landscape. Well, not too much, anyway. And our course rule is you add a stroke to your score every time you damage coral.”

For island dive professionals, safety is a bigger concern.

“You can yell, ‘fore’ all you want down there, but no one’ll hear you,” said divemaster Marina DeLow. “I had two divers get plunked today. And playing 18 holes, they’re gonna have yahoos blowing their no-decompression limits left and right.”

“We put all these holes in 20 feet of water or less,” Bottoms said. “Getting bent shouldn’t be an issue. Unless you’re a bad golfer. Or get a hole with a mantis shrimp in it.”

Bottoms also plans to build a knee-deep miniature golf course for non-divers and children too young to be certified.

“There’ll be an underwater shopping mall, too,” Bottoms said. “It’ll be tasteful, though, really spruce up the reef.”

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February 27, 2015 · 7:43 am

Blufftop Observatory to Boost Blacktip Island Economy

The Blacktip Island Observatory will feature a 3.7-meter optical/IR telescope, as well as a baseline array for submillimeter astronomy.

The Blacktip Island Observatory will feature a 3.7-meter optical/IR telescope, as well as a baseline array for submillimeter astronomy.

Tiperon University-Blacktip officials confirmed Thursday the university has resurrected plans for an observatory on Blacktip Island’s southern bluff. The facility will be funded by space agencies from several Caribbean nations.

The project, long stymied by opposition from developers and environmentalists, gained new life when that opposition unexpectedly faded.

“I don’t know what good some giant telescope’s going to do anyone,” said Eagle Ray Cove resort owner Rich Skerritt, formerly the project’s most vocal opponent. “Another resort or two’s what Blacktip needs, but if the community’s dead set on this white elephant, I’ll go along with it for the common good.

“Plus, it’s nice to get under the skin of those pointy-head treehuggers.”

The observatory will be built on land formerly owned by the Skerritt family. Work on the facility, by Skerritt Construction, will begin next week.

The scientific community has coveted the Blacktip Island site for years.

“Blacktip’s sky quality is unique in the Caribbean,” TU-B astrophysicist chairperson Ursula Majors said. “With minimal development and the nearest island being 100 miles away, light pollution is non-existent. The only building at the south end is the Last Ballyhoo bar, and electricity’s out in that place more often than not.

“More significantly, the fumes from the island’s booby pond counteract the moist maritime air to produce some of the clearest skies in the Caribbean,” Majors said. “Usually you have to get above 12,000 feet in the desert to get air clarity like this.”

Current plans have the observatory conducting optical, infrared, and submillimeter astronomy, Majors said.

Many locals welcomed the news.

“It’ll be a shining star for our economy,” said island mayor Jack Cobia. “This shows the world Blacktip’s not just about drinking rum and gossiping about your friends. We’re contributing to the advancement of human knowledge now. And folks at the Ballyhoo’re eager for the uptick in business, too.”

Island environmentalists, however, still oppose the project.

“There’s rare and endangered species down there we’ve only just begun to study,” TU-B biodiversity professor Ernesto Mojarra said. “The Blacktip greasy palm is found only on the high bluff. And the redneck warblers have vital breeding grounds all around the Ballyhoo.”

Most residents, though are excited about the new facility.

“It’s brilliant there’ll be professional astronomers here,” divemaster Lee Helm said. “My girlfriend, she’s a Pisces with Virgo rising. Now I’ll be able to suss out exactly what makes her tick.

“I’ve an appointment to get my own star chart done, too, as soon as that radio telescope gets up and running.”

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February 20, 2015 · 6:06 am

Blacktip Island Hosts Pro-Am Bird Watching Championship

Professional birders from around the world are flocking to Blacktip Island for this week’s pro-am bird watching tournament.

Professional birders from around the world are flocking to Blacktip Island for this week’s pro-am bird watching tournament.

The Blacktip Island Pro-Am bird watching competition kicks off Saturday morning, with professional and amateur birders from around the world competing for the coveted Booby Prize. The week long event is one of the Birding Grand Slam’s five tournaments.

“We expect quite a robust competition this year,” Blacktip Island Audubon Society president Sula Beakins said. “Blacktip’s place as a waypoint on the flyways between North and South America make it a hot spot for resident and transient feathered friends alike.”

The tournament will pair international birding superstars such as Martin Grebe, Zenaida Dove and Elaenia Kestrel with local avian aficionados including Bob White, Noddy Bolin and Reg Gurnard.

The Audubon Society implemented several rule changes this year to avoid the altercations that detracted from past Pro-Ams.

“All sightings must be confirmed first hand by Society judges,” Beakins said. “There was so much sniping, and fisticuffs, last tournament when two competitors were caught photographing handmade bird likenesses. This year’s judges won’t be so gullible.

“We’ve also banned water drips for attracting birds,” Beakins added. “Competitors can grouse all they want, but those drips were sushi bars for the feral cats. We’ll not have a repeat of last year’s carnage.”

Scores are derived from algorithms factoring in total birds sighted, total species sighted and the rarity of species sighted by each team.

“That old coot Clete Horn was a distant third last year before he spotted that band-rumped storm petrel,” competitor Bob White said. “One bird gave him and Zenaida Dove the win.”

“The Blacktip ham hawk is the Holy Grail, of course,” local bird guru Reg Gurnard said. “They were hunted nearly to extinction decades ago. Island old timers just loved them with butter beans and greens.”

Local restaurants and bars are hungry for the economic uptick the tournament brings.

“These birdwatchers are crazy as loons,” Sand Spit bartender Cory Anders said, “But they’re big drinkers, they tip well and they don’t tear the place up too bad until post-tourney.”

International birding stars are eager for the tournament to begin.

“It’s lovely to see so many titmice this year,” said professional birder Jay Grackle. “And Caribbean tits. Boobies are a given on Blacktip, but these tits are an unexpected surprise.

“The absence of egrets is also nice, for me, anyway,” Grackle said. “I try to live my life with no egrets.”

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February 13, 2015 · 8:26 am

Blacktip Island Resort Beams Up Weighty Divers

Scuba divers are lifted from the water and onto Eagle Ray Divers’ Barjack dive boat following Thursday’s afternoon dive. (photo courtesy Steve Dingledein)

Scuba divers are lifted from the water and onto an Eagle Ray Divers dive boat following Thursday’s afternoon dive. (photo courtesy Steve Dingledein)

In a move that has angered many Blacktip Island scuba diving guests, Eagle Ray Divers is using an experimental tractor beam to lift scuba divers wearing too much lead weight back onto the resort’s dive boats.

Divers claim the device’s use is aimed at weighty divers, not the divers’ weights.

“It was mortifying,” Eagle Ray Cove guest Bud Turbot said. “Thinner divers were allowed to climb back onboard on their own, but us fuller-sized folks, they made us be beamed aboard while everyone gawked. My wife’s still in tears. It’s size-ism, pure and simple.”

Eagle Ray Divers operations manager Ger Latner denied the claims.

“It’s not an indictment of our divers,” Latner said. “It’s about our insurance premiums and divemaster durability. These people cram their BCs with 18, 20 pounds of integrated weight. No way our staff can handle those things day in, day out on a rocking boat without doing themselves major damage.”

“We tried asking guests to take their weight pockets out,” said Eagle Ray Divers divemaster Gage Hoase. “A few do, but most refuse. One over-weighted BC at the wrong time can end a divemaster’s career.

“This gizmo’s a game changer,” Hoase said. “Not swapping over weight-integrated BCs means no mangled backs or blown elbows.”

Eagle Ray Cove resort management enlisted the aid of local scientists after a rash of dive staff injuries.

“Our attraction beam prototype was at the trial stage,” said Tiperon University-Blacktip magneto-gravitic engineering professor Stina Ray. “Hauling in divers provides the perfect beta test. And if it keeps people from getting hurt, that’s an added bonus.

“We installed the beam generators on Ger’s boats, and his staff records the raw mass, distance and erg data for us,” Ray said. “The dive leaders say it works on divers who exceed their profile times, too.”

Eagle Ray Cove’s dive guests remain outraged.

“That beam thingy snatches you up any which way,” diver Leah Shore said. “If you’re not perfectly upright in the water when it locks on, it’ll haul you aboard ass over appetite, with the whole boat laughing at you. And what happens if that thing gives out mid-lift? They don’t mention that in the briefings.”

Eagle Ray Divers’ Latner was unapologetic.

“Something had to be done,” Latner said. “These human anchors were breaking my divemasters faster than I could hire them. You don’t want to be beamed up? Learn proper buoyancy. And skipping the dessert buffet wouldn’t hurt, either.”

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