April 18, 2014 · 7:21 am

Island Landfill Preps For Holiday Gift Dump

Blacktip Island Ecumenical Council volunteers ready the pit for Saturday’s gift return.

Blacktip Island Ecumenical Council volunteers ready the pit for Saturday’s gift return.

Blacktip Island residents have their unwanted Christmas gifts bundled for Saturday evening’s Easter Eve gift dump at the island’s landfill. The event was introduced more than two decades ago to foster goodwill among the Caribbean Island’s small population.

“Everybody gets crap they don’t want during the holidays,” said the former-Reverend Jerrod Ephesians, head of the island’s Ecumenical Council. “In the real word, you can return the stuff, sell it or just throw it away. This island’s nothing like the real world, though.

“Returns aren’t an option. If you sell or re-gift, word gets around. Throw it away? People pick through that dump all the time. That’s when things go to hell.”

“Back in ’91 or so it got so bad half the island nearly killed the other half,” longtime resident Reg Gurnard said. “I didn’t go outside until May Day.”

“Started with Dermott Bottoms giving Billy Ray a pink mermaid table lamp cut from a scuba cylinder,” Eagle Ray Divers operations manager Ger Latner said. “God-awful thing. Billy’s wife, Lucille, chucked it. Clete Horn spied it in the dump, had seen Dermott with a lamp just like it before Christmas, and tried to sell it to Dermott, thinking Dermott’d want a matching set.

“Dermott beat the tar out of Clete for thieving, then beat the tar out of Billy for being an SOB. Then Lucille beat king hell out of Dermott. Friends and family got involved, and by the end of the week the clinic was out of bandages and sutures. Had to send the Home Guard over from Tiperon to stop the feuding.”

As a solution, the island’s Ecumenical Council instituted an Easter Eve no-questions-asked, blind gift-dump.

“We dig a big pit at the edge of the landfill,” the former-Reverend Ephesians said. “As soon as it’s full dark, people are free to throw their unwanted holiday gifts in. Then, just before first light, we have blindfolded volunteers backfill the pit with bulldozers so no one ever knows what all was buried.

“It’s done in the spirit of forgiveness and atonement,” Ephesians said. “It really binds the community together. Plus, it gives folks a four-month cooling-off period to make sure they really don’t like a gift.”

“The gift dump makes Easter morning a joyous time for everyone, whether they’re religious or not,” Reg Gurnard said. “Soon as those diesel engines crank to life and dirt starts tumbling, all the guilt and remorse of the past three months just evaporates. You feel reborn.”

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April 11, 2014 · 4:44 am

Tollbooths Installed on Island Reefs

A Marine Park ranger monitors one of Blacktip Island’s new reef tollbooths.

A Marine Park ranger monitors one of Blacktip Island’s new reef tollbooths.

The Blacktip Island Marine Park Service is installing underwater tollbooths on all the Caribbean island’s scuba dive sites this week. The move is a response to dwindling public funding and increased diver impact on the island’s reefs.

“Think of it as a graduated impact fee,” Park Service spokesperson Val Schrader said.

“Instead of charging every diver a flat marine park fee, we’ll be charging based on how much of the reef they actually see.

“The old system wasn’t fair to new divers who blow through their air and surface in twenty minutes. Or to the Type B divers who stay close to the boat looking at one coral head.”

Collection boxes fashioned as oversized conch shells have been installed at all popular coral heads and swim-throughs.

“They’re big and obvious enough that divers will know what they are,” Schrader said, “but not so outlandish they detract from the diving experience.”

Divers can buy scan cards that clip onto their BCDs, and add credits in $10 increments. Alternately, divers may carry Tiperon currency to drop into collection boxes.

Divers purchasing a Park Service Reef Pass will have their dives charged directly to their hotel room or credit card at a reduced rate.

The plan’s opponents vowed to fight the tolls.

“We’ll go in from shore, on sites where there’s no collection bins,” local resident Barry Sennett said. “These reefs don’t belong to the Park Service or the government. These reefs are your reefs, these reefs are my reefs.”

Other protestors plan to take a more active approach.

“They’ll have a hard time collecting if their precious conch shells get dropped 6,000 feet down the wall,” said a local diver who wished to remain anonymous.

“We’re installing cameras,” Schrader said. “Hidden ones. To keep an eye on things. Divers caught illegally diving will be fined and have their scuba gear confiscated.”

The Park Service has also mandated all BCDs on Blacktip Island be fitted with remote inflator valves. Scuba divers not paying the tolls will have their BCDs auto-inflate them to the surface, where a red dye will be released.

“We’re definitely using shame as a deterrent,” Schrader said. “Sometimes a stiff fine just won’t do the trick.”

Snorkelers will be charged at reduced rates. Free divers will be charged according to the number of dives they do as well as the depth of each dive. Blind divers will be allowed to dive free of charge.

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April 4, 2014 · 7:18 am

Resort Owners Erect Beachfront Staff Housing

A staff housing unit nears completion on Blacktip Island’s west coast.

A staff housing unit nears completion on Blacktip Island’s west coast.

In response to Blacktip Island’s growing housing shortage, local businesses have launched an affordable housing program benefiting the Caribbean island’s scuba, housekeeping and maintenance staffs.

“Housing’s scarce on the Blacktip,” Eagle Ray Cove divemaster Lee Helm said. “And damned expensive. We’re sleeping two and three people in a one-bedroom place. Playing rock-paper-scissors for who gets the couch.”

“It’s embarrassing, our staff having to live on top of each other like that,” Sandy Bottoms Beach Resort owner Sandy Bottoms, Jr. said. “Resort guests are put off when they hear of it. It reflects badly on us.”

“We’re building lodging for every worker on the island,” Club Scuba Doo owner Nelson Pilchard said. “No one should have to share a couch. Unless they want to.”

The initiative is not without critics, though.

“It’s not about providing housing,” community activist Jerrod Ephesians said. “It’s about collecting more rent from more people. Instead of renting one place to four people, they’re now renting four places.

“The Sandy Bottoms of the island are building these places from junk,” Ephesians said. “It’s a company store-type scam, charging their own employees for glorified camping.”

“Are we building deluxe accommodations? No,” Bottoms said. “But these are dive hippies we’re talking about. Here for the adventure. They love it.”

“We’re experimenting with sustainable building materials,” Eagle Ray Cove resort owner Rich Skerritt added. “Driftwood, bamboo, palm thatching, it’s all natural. And what’s more picturesque than a thatched hut on the beach?”

“My place is nice,” Club Scuba Doo staffer Joey Pompano said. “So long as the weather’s nice, anyway.”

“These places allow our folks to save money,” Scuba Doo’s Pilchard said. “There’s no utility bills, no phone or internet fees, no overheard after rent. I should be so fortunate.”

Other locals are concerned about potential public health issues.

“These places have no garbage pickup, no sewage or septic,” island doctor Lance Tang said. “Any rain will wash their waste into the ground water. And the first big storm surge will push that waste into our back gardens.”

“What everyone’s overlooking is these places are on prime real estate – right on the water, right at the dive sites,” Sandy Bottoms said. “Dive staff can roll out of their hammocks and go straight to work. It saves them commute time and the expense of a vehicle.”

“If this works as well as we think,” Eagle Ray Cove’s Skerritt said, “we have plans for a rustic dive-in, dive-out resort built on this model.”

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March 28, 2014 · 5:56 am

Taste of Blacktip Moves to Avoid Escalating Violence

Traditional Caribbean favorites ginger-fried land crab, four happiness iguana and turtle egg drop soup will highlight the 19th annual Taste of Blacktip food festival.

Traditional Caribbean favorites ginger-fried land crab, four happiness iguana and turtle egg drop soup will highlight the 19th annual Taste of Blacktip food festival.

Saturday’s 19th annual Taste of Blacktip food festival has been relocated to the public pier at Diddley’s Landing in response to the cuisine-divided melee that marred last year’s event.

“The fight between the island’s two foodie factions about destroyed Sandy Bottoms Resort,” event organizer Jay Valve said. “We can’t let that happen again.”

Chefs from all the island’s resorts will prepare their versions of traditional Caribbean favorites, capped off, as ever, by the Jiangsu-vs-Sichuan Throwdown.

“People here take their food seriously,” Valve said. “The Jiangsu-Sichuan feud has divided the island for centuries, going back to the island’s first settlers. It’s ruined friendships, destroyed marriages, torn apart families.

“Last year’s brawl started when some Cantonese partisan slipped a plate of dim sum onto the tasting table,” Valve said. “Each side blamed the other, and next thing we knew noodles and hot mustard were flying everywhere.”

“It’s a shame the two sides can’t get along,” Blacktip Haven resort owner Elena Havens said. “There’s a vibrancy to the island’s culinary scene, with local chefs transforming locally-sourced ingredients into world-class dishes.”

“Staging the cook off on the pier will make crowd control easier,” Island Police Constable Rafe Marquette said. “There’s water on three sides, and we’ll cordon off the fourth.

“If any rioting does occur, clean up will be a snap. We have bulldozers and fire hoses standing by.”

Blacktip Island’s chefs are eager for the competition to begin.

“We’ll hit them with lionfish-head meatballs with land crab roe,” said Gordon Kerr, Jiangsu practitioner and executive chef at the Michelin-starred Tail Spinner Lounge. “Then follow up with sweet and salty wahoo and a Nanjing iguana tripe crusted with heavy bread.

“The Sichuan lot need to get a clue,” Kerr said. “Subtle flavors are not signs of weakness.”

The Sichuan camp remained undaunted.

“At least we have flavors, subtle or otherwise,” said Blacktip Haven chef Jessie Catahoula. “And ‘mushy’ is not a texture. Not a good one, anyway.

“Our spicy-fried turtle will bring them to their knees,” Catahoula said. “We’ll finish them off with Kung Pao conch.”

The event will also feature food pairings with locally-crafted beer, rum, mead and boxed wine.

“We been blending sea grape wine with coconut hooch,” island vintner/construction worker Dermott Bottoms said. “Come up with a nice huangjiu port. Glass or two of that, you don’t care who wins.”

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March 21, 2014 · 6:39 am

Blacktip Islanders Catapult Culled Lionfish For Charity

Freshly-speared lionfish ready to be catapulted into Blacktip Island’s community garden.

Freshly-speared lionfish ready to be catapulted into Blacktip Island’s community garden.

As part of the fight against invasive Indo-Pacific lionfish devastating Caribbean reefs, the Blacktip Island Agricultural Society will stage its inaugural Spring Fling Lionfish-Tossing Tournament Saturday, with proceeds going to the island’s chapter of the Society for Creative Anachronism.

The event is part of broader lionfish control efforts throughout the Caribbean.

“Our reefs are under siege from lionfish,” event organizer Buddy Brunnez said. “It made sense to combine the cull with a Medieval siege engine-building contest. Community groups raise money for their team, hand-craft a catapult from supplies found on-island, then launch their catch into the community vegetable garden.”

Team members on scuba will have one hour to spear as many lionfish as possible. They will then report to the garden site for weigh-in, counting and flinging.

“It’s absolute genius,” Eagle Ray Cove general manager Mickey Smarr said. “We’re culling so many the damn things, we’re up to our ears in lionfish. We’re sick of eating them. So are the tourists. The restaurants are glutted. Using them for fertilizer is the perfect solution.”

“It’s spring, the time of rebirth and renewal,” Agriculture Society president Marcia Seagroves said. “These lionfish will bind us all, via the vegetables we eat, to that ancient cycle of life and death. We’ll plow them into pulp to make sure they’re fully integrated in that cycle.”

“Any pre-gunpowder era flinging device is acceptable,” Brunnez said. “Most teams are going with simple onager-style catapults. Trebuchets are the top of the line, for payload, accuracy and old-fashioned esthetics. But they take a bit of know-how to get right.”

“We had to scrap our trebuchet,” said Val Schrader, Sandy Bottoms Resort team captain. “It generated so much force the lionfish were pretty much vaporized when we released the counterweight. It was beautiful from a distance, but the folks manning the sling weren’t too happy.”

“We’ve built a bamboo ballista based on an image from the Bayeux Tapestry,” said Blacktip Haven team member and island SCA president Jessie Catahoula. “Going for accuracy on multiple shots instead of putting all our fish in one sling, so to speak.”

The contest is not without its hazards, however.

“We’re making doubly-sure we clear the garden area of spectators after little Jimmy Cottonwick got impaled during a trial fling yesterday,” Brunnez said. “He was pulling weeds and took three lionfish to the back and one to the thigh. They’re still picking spines out of him.”

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March 14, 2014 · 5:48 am

Pirate Festival Revelers Burn Supply Barge

The remains of Blacktip Island’s supply barge rests on shore of the Caribbean island.

The remains of Blacktip Island’s supply barge rests on shore of the Caribbean island.

Blacktip Island’s Pirate Festival celebrations turned ugly Wednesday when festival-goers accidentally burned the island’s only supply barge.

“One minute we’re drinking rum and shooting flare guns at each other,” resident Dermott Bottoms said. “The next, KABOOM!”

“Dermott did shoot a squib, didn’t quite clear that barge,” Bottoms’ friend Jesse Conlee said. “No idea they hadn’t offloaded all that gasoline.”

No one was injured in the blast.

“It does put us in a bind,” local businessman Rich Skerritt said. “That’s the only boat that hauls essential supplies like food, fuel and beer.”

The Tiperon Heritage Society, sponsors of the Pirate Festival, has mobilized a grassroots provisioning effort and is using the accident as a teaching opportunity.

“We’re demonstrating all the old crafts we used back before there was a supply barge,” Heritage Society president Doris Blenny said. “We’ve transformed the area around the wreckage into a hands-on teaching exhibit, showing folks how to braid rope, weave cloth and hijack passing ships.

“The Tiperons, and Blacktip in particular, have a rich history of piracy. We’re simply shifting the Festival’s emphasis from pretend-piracy to real-life piracy. This isn’t some ‘Captain Philips’ Hollywood show. No, no. This is authentic, parrot-on-your-shoulder stuff.

“There’s boats out as we speak, raiding relief convoys bound for Haiti,” Blenny said. “Sure, it’d be easier to just fly stuff in, but this lets us reconnect with our roots. And it’s way more fun.”

“We got the Youth Scouts involved,” Scout leader Samson Post said. “They’re fearless in their little sailboats. And with their cutlasses. They can get right up close to a supply ship without anyone getting too worried – they’re just kids dressed up like pirates, after all.

“They’re slated to make a raid tomorrow, give them the chance to earn merit badges in Sailing, Cannoneering, Cursing and Scallywagging.”

In related news, officials are asking for volunteer scuba divers to help recover any undamaged goods from the barge that may have sunk due to the explosion.

“There’s probably 50 cases of beer got blown all over the reef,” salvage coordinator Ger Latner said. “We’re hauling up lots of bottles. Problem is, after being in salt water, those bottle caps are all rusting off. We’re having to drink the beer quick as we can before it goes flat. We need volunteers for that, too.”

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March 7, 2014 · 6:42 am

Island Startup Launches Line of Bamboo Scuba Gear

Bamboo logs slated to become Bamboo You scuba fins.

Bamboo logs slated to become Bamboo You scuba fins.

Blacktip Island entrepreneur Piers “Doc” Plank has launched Bamboo You, an island-based manufacturer of scuba equipment made completely of bamboo.

“Bamboo’s the ultimate renewable resource,” Plank said. “We’re as green as it gets. And when your kit wears out, send it back for recycling and a discount on new kit.

“Our materials are all locally sourced. The stuff washes up on shore by the ton. Our supply chain’s a combination of beach cleanup and power walking.”

“Snorkels were the obvious starting point,” said Bamboo You sales manager Christina Mojarra. “Then fins and slates. But we quickly expanded our line to include bamboo mask frames, regulator housings and BCDs woven from bamboo fiber.

“We’ve also patented Bambooprene wetsuits, made from thin layers of cross-cut young bamboo,” Mojarra said. “It insulates better than neoprene, and it’s not nearly as buoyant. We’re beta-testing our Big Bamboo dive knife, as well. Our goal is to outfit divers completely in bamboo, from hood to fin tips.”

“First stage regulators have been a challenge,” Plank said. “The trick is getting the stuff to stand up to 3000 psi. The 150-psi IP in the second stages is a cakewalk, but we’re still picking splinters of our first-stage prototype out of the walls. And Christina’s eyebrows.”

“Bamboo You’s a shot in the arm for the local economy,” Blacktip Island Chamber of Commerce president Sandy Bottoms said. “Ol’ Doc’s created jobs where there weren’t any, splinters be damned. I don’t know what half the stuff he makes does, but, by God, folks are buying it.”

“Our experience is the more useless the gizmo, the better it sells,” Plank said. “That’s the guiding principle behind our bamboo tank bangers, octo holders and clip-on D-rings.

“Our pièces de résistance, though, are the bamboo weights. Anti-weights, really. They come in quarter-pound increments and can be positioned anywhere on your body to trim you out perfectly. They’re stupid. Maybe the stupidest thing we’ve come up with. But we can’t keep them in stock – there’s two months of back-orders right now.”

“Satisfaction’s guaranteed,” Mojarra said. “Any problem with a Bamboo You product, return it and we’ll send your money back. No questions asked. We don’t want our customers feeling bamboozled.”

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February 28, 2014 · 7:49 am

Fish-Shaped Drones Stalk Blacktip Island Divers

A close up of the suspected surveillance drones.

A close up of the suspected surveillance drones.

Blacktip Island scuba operators have filed a formal protest after leaked documents revealed some fish on the Caribbean island’s reefs may be disguised intelligence drones.

“There’s always sergeant majors schooling behind the dive boats,” Eagle Ray Cove dive operations manager Ger Latner said. “But there’s something’s fishy about these ones. They don’t eat the chips the guests throw overboard. They don’t bite chunks out of divers’ hands or ears, either. It’s not natural.”

“The things swim these tight circles around you without ever moving a fin,” divemaster Marina DeLow said. “And right in your face, eyes zooming in and out.”

Documents recently made public reference sergeant major-shaped drones used by the American National Security Administration.

“It’s an outrage,” Sandy Bottoms Beach Resort general manager Kay Valve said. “Our guests pay top dollar to come here and relax without worrying about being spied upon. Especially by fish.”

The suspected drones have island visitors concerned as well.

“A school of them followed me, my wife and our little girls while we were snorkeling,” said vacationer Kenny Chromis. “They were all over us, clicking and whirring. The girls ran out of the water, screaming, to get away from them.”

“The only way to tell for sure if these fish are drones is to catch one and cut it open,” said government watchdog Wade Soote. “That won’t happen, though. It’s a marine park – taking fish is illegal. It’s the perfect scenario, really.

“I’d be surprised if it’s limited to sergeant majors. Those friendly Nassau grouper that let you pet them? Please. What better way to collect fingerprints and DNA samples? These devices are incredibly sophisticated.”

A national security expert, speaking on condition of anonymity, outlined possible reasons for the surveillance on Blacktip Island.

“You have a situation where hundreds of people from all around the globe are going underwater every day,” he said. “They’re off the grid for an hour and claim they’re looking at fish. That’s highly unlikely. Fish aren’t that interesting.

“These people are doing this two, three times a day for days on end. Some even talk about doing ‘training dives.’ My question would be what kind of training, who’s conducting it and why. This is potential security nightmare.”

The NSA would not comment on the reports, or on why the sergeant majors school thicker around divers sporting Speedo swimwear. The agency did, however, issue a written statement which read, in part: “There is no good reason for a man to be wearing a Speedo in public. Unless he’s European. In which case we especially want to keep an eye on him.”

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February 21, 2014 · 6:13 am

New Megastore Threatens Blacktip Landfill

Blacktip Island visitor Chrissy Graysby browses the landfill’s home appliance section.

Blacktip Island visitor Chrissy Graysby browses the landfill’s home appliance section.

Blacktip Island residents turned out in dozens Thursday to protest plans for a Lowest Depot do-it-yourself superstore slated for the island’s northern tip.

“We have the dump for all our DIY needs,” said protestor Palometa Fischer. “If they build this monstrosity, it’s the beginning of the end. Next we’ll have fast food, a cinema, hell, even a golf course. People move here to get away from those things.”

“It’s part of the island’s charm,” resident Piers Plank said. “I’d rather pick through my neighbours’ leavings than patronize some corporate monolith. If the landfill doesn’t have it, you don’t need it.”

Not all residents agreed.

“I think it’s brilliant,” said newcomer Ginger Bass. “Charm is charm, but not when your freezer dies or you want to build a festive patio out back. Then you need a proper bricolage.”

Lowest Depot spokesperson Sheena Goode belayed the protestors concerns.

“We have no desire to ruin Blacktip Island’s unique character,” Goode said. “We don’t see it as merely selling appliances and building supplies. Our goal is to bring ease and convenience and quality of life to Blacktip Island. At our usual low, low prices, of course.”

Some residents worry the new store will destroy the sense of community the landfill fosters.

“We have no parks or piazzas or any sort of public space here,” Blacktip Haven resort owner Elena Havens said. “The dump is our de facto piazza, where people from all walks of life can gather. It’s a very nurturing place. Losing that would be tragic.”

Other residents echoed Havens’ sentiments.

“Making a dump run is family time,” Olive Beaugregory said. “We let the kids pick out something special for themselves while we hunt for any sundries we might need. Then we break out juice and sandwiches, cheer on the dump chickens and throw rocks at the rats. It’s affordable family fun. No megastore can offer that.”

“We need to reuse, repurpose and recycle the junk we have rather than import more,” Club Scuba Doo’s general manager Polly Parrett said. “Our dive boats are built 100% from parts and pieces salvaged from the landfill. We used to hand craft all our scuba rental gear from repurposed landfill items, too, but that became problematic. Our attorney still won’t return our calls.”

Lowest Depot’s Goode said land clearing for the new store is scheduled to begin Monday.

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February 14, 2014 · 5:35 am

Mersquatch Surfaces On Blacktip Island

The Blacktip Island mersquatch, photographed by island resident Molly Miller.

The Blacktip Island mersquatch, photographed by island resident Molly Miller.

A photograph of Blacktip Island’s rumored mersquatch surfaced Thursday, confirming the existence of the legendary creature.

Island resident Molly Miller captured the image behind her house, where road crews have been clearing land.

“The dog was the first to notice it,” Miller said. “I was hanging laundry when Rufus started barking and carrying on. Then I caught a big, fishy smell, like a barra’ left in an ice chest overnight. And there he was at the edge of the trees, eyeballing me. I thought it was Jesse Conlee at first, but Jesse doesn’t smell like that.”

Miller said she ran inside for her camera and was able to take one photo before the creature disappeared.

“Soon as I made eye contact, he high-tailed it,” Miller said.

“It makes sense now, all the strange goings on. The howling.  The rocks and sticks raining down on the house late nights. Things going missing: bread cooling on the sill, beer from the ‘fridge, my frilly yellow sundress.”

An aquatic relative of the more-famous sasquatch and yeti, the mersquatch has been rumored to live on Blacktip Island and the surrounding reefs, but there has been no proof until now.

“People are always seeing big, hairy creatures,” Island Police Constable Rafe Marquette said. “Usually Friday and Saturday nights, late, around the Sand Spit and Last Ballyhoo bars. But that could be anyone on the island. And underwater sightings by scuba divers, well, that’s textbook nitrogen narcosis.

“I wouldn’t call this photo proof positive, but the eyewitness testimony combined with the photographic evidence is certainly compelling. This isn’t some rum-soaked tourist reporting it. It’s a rum-soaked local. With a camera.”

Hair and algae samples from behind Miller’s house have been sent to the FBI forensics laboratory in Quantico, Va. for DNA testing.

The island’s academic community is excited about the photo as well.

“Blacktip has several known Denisovan sites,” Tiperon University at Blacktip anthropologist Nelson Pilchard said, referring to the Paleolithic hominid species recently discovered in Siberia’s Denisova Cave. “This could be the last living vestige of early proto-humans we thought long extinct, who’ve adapted to an aquatic environment.

“The bluff is riddled with caves leading to flooded sinkholes and on out to the sea. A mersquatch could come and go up there without anyone noticing.”

Authorities are urging caution from island residents and visitors.

“We don’t know what this creature was doing in plain sight, or how many more are out there,” IPC Marquette said. “If there’s a population, the cooler weather may be bringing them out. They may come into town looking for food. Or mates.”

“I’m keeping both eyes peeled, I can tell you that,” Miller said. “I got fresh bread and cold beer out back of my place. He was kind of cute, in a rugged sort of way.”

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