Tag Archives: drones

Fish-Shaped Drones Stalk Blacktip Island Divers

A close up of the suspected surveillance drones.

A close up of the suspected surveillance drones.

Blacktip Island scuba operators have filed a formal protest after leaked documents revealed some fish on the Caribbean island’s reefs may be disguised intelligence drones.

“There’s always sergeant majors schooling behind the dive boats,” Eagle Ray Cove dive operations manager Ger Latner said. “But there’s something’s fishy about these ones. They don’t eat the chips the guests throw overboard. They don’t bite chunks out of divers’ hands or ears, either. It’s not natural.”

“The things swim these tight circles around you without ever moving a fin,” divemaster Marina DeLow said. “And right in your face, eyes zooming in and out.”

Documents recently made public reference sergeant major-shaped drones used by the American National Security Administration.

“It’s an outrage,” Sandy Bottoms Beach Resort general manager Kay Valve said. “Our guests pay top dollar to come here and relax without worrying about being spied upon. Especially by fish.”

The suspected drones have island visitors concerned as well.

“A school of them followed me, my wife and our little girls while we were snorkeling,” said vacationer Kenny Chromis. “They were all over us, clicking and whirring. The girls ran out of the water, screaming, to get away from them.”

“The only way to tell for sure if these fish are drones is to catch one and cut it open,” said government watchdog Wade Soote. “That won’t happen, though. It’s a marine park – taking fish is illegal. It’s the perfect scenario, really.

“I’d be surprised if it’s limited to sergeant majors. Those friendly Nassau grouper that let you pet them? Please. What better way to collect fingerprints and DNA samples? These devices are incredibly sophisticated.”

A national security expert, speaking on condition of anonymity, outlined possible reasons for the surveillance on Blacktip Island.

“You have a situation where hundreds of people from all around the globe are going underwater every day,” he said. “They’re off the grid for an hour and claim they’re looking at fish. That’s highly unlikely. Fish aren’t that interesting.

“These people are doing this two, three times a day for days on end. Some even talk about doing ‘training dives.’ My question would be what kind of training, who’s conducting it and why. This is potential security nightmare.”

The NSA would not comment on the reports, or on why the sergeant majors school thicker around divers sporting Speedo swimwear. The agency did, however, issue a written statement which read, in part: “There is no good reason for a man to be wearing a Speedo in public. Unless he’s European. In which case we especially want to keep an eye on him.”

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Skeet Shooters Clash With Shoppers Over Delivery Drones

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A delivery drone similar to the ones being targeted on Blacktip Island. (photo by X-Javier)

 

The Blacktip Island Trap and Skeet Club’s recent use of online delivery drones as targets has sparked a bitter feud with island shoppers.

“Clay pigeons get pricey, when we can get them,” club president B.C. Flote said. “We lucked onto this, though, and it’s been a blast.

“First time was a mistake. Ol’ Doc Plank saw one of those things coming in low over the range, thought it was part of the sporting clay session, and blew it to bejesus. From there we were off and running.”

Customers awaiting drone deliveries on the isolated Caribbean island are not amused.

“It’s hard enough to get supplies on Blacktip,” resident Corry Anders said. “These drones were a godsend. Now our stuff’s getting blown away left and right. What is wrong with these people?”

Conservationists are up in arms as well.

“They’re blazing away at anything that flies – frigate birds, boobies, ospreys, even a flamingo,” said Waterfowl Warrior spokesperson Harry Pickett. “These are protected species, and they’re being blown to smithereens.”

Club members, however, are enthusiastic.

“It’s brilliant,” shooter Lee Helm said. “You order some knickknack online, prang it before it can land, then decline payment for non-delivery. You have to wait four to six business days for a target, but it’s free.”

“The coast is eat-up with sport shooters,” Flote said. “Some folks are even anchoring offshore in skiffs, or bobbing in scuba gear to get first crack at drones flying low under the radar. Right now, Blacktip Island has a tighter air defense system than North Korea.

“And the so-called flamingo incident was actually a delivery of pink feather boas,” Flote said. “No harm done there. We tell our folks, ‘if it’s flapping, let it pass,’ and they generally comply.”

Island shoppers like Anders, however, angered by lost deliveries, have launched a grassroots response aimed at ensuring the safe arrival of their goods.

“We’re bombarding the shooting blinds,” Anders said. “Hunting the hunters. As soon as a shooter raises a gun, we pelt them with coconuts. It’s crude, but effective. This would have been a bleak Christmas if it weren’t for our coconut barrages. They can’t shoot if they’re unconscious on the sand.

“It’s an all-for-one, united-we-stand situation. The goods you save may be your own.”

Island shooting enthusiasts have responded by donning bicycle helmets and wrapping themselves in beach towels for protection.

“It’s become a real cat-and-mouse game,” Flote said, “with us trying to get a clean shot and the shoppers trying to whack us. It takes the sport to a whole new level that I think benefits both sides.”

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