Category Archives: Scuba Diving

November 6, 2015 · 5:45 am

Blacktip Island Divemasters Launch Underwater Clogging Course

The first Underwater Clogging specialty course students practice their dance steps on shore Thursday before attempting them underwater later that afternoon. (Photo by Al Stephenson)

The first Underwater Clogging specialty course students practice their dance steps on shore Thursday before attempting them underwater later that afternoon. (Photo by Al Stephenson)

Inspired by underwater acrobatics at a recent heritage festival, Blacktip Island divemasters Gage Hoase and Alison Diesel have developed an underwater clog-dancing course they began teaching this week on the Caribbean island.

“It’s a traditional southeastern American dance style that tons of our scuba diving guests identify with,” Hoase said. “We pump bluegrass music through a hydrophone and we’ve got 30, 40 divers jigging under the boat in no time.

“The cool thing’s you don’t need prior dance experience,” Hoase said. “We start by teaching the steps on shore in slow motion, sort of like tai chi. Then we drop students in the shallows off Diddley’s Landing public pier for the real deal.”

Diesel noted the classes stress conservation and safety.

“We’re careful to practice in big sand patches so we don’t damage coral,” Diesel said. “All the stomping can kill the viz pretty quick, but students don’t seem to mind.

“The trick’s making sure you don’t step on stingrays in the murk,” Diesel said. “We had to send a woman to the clinic yesterday after she got spined in both feet. Barracuda are a worry, too, with all the thrashing the students do.”

Most resort diving guests are enthusiastic about the course.

“It reminds me of the county fair back home,” scuba diver Suzy Souccup said. “You don’t get that heartwarming clack of clogs hitting the wooden floor, of course, but they let you use tank bangers and underwater rattlers, so that gives the same effect. Sort of.”

Hoase and Diesel say their classes are already packed.

“The guest’ve really glommed onto the idea,” Diesel said. “We’re working up an underwater square dance course, too, and long term we’ll branch out into underwater Latin, hip hop, tap, ballroom and pole dancing courses.”

Not all diver guests are happy with the classes.

“I come to Blacktip Island to relax and look at fish,” said longtime Eagle Ray Divers guest Lou Luxfer. “Now I can’t get in the water without hearing that cat-gutting noise they call music, and you can’t see the fish through all the sand those yahoos kick up.”

Hoase isn’t daunted by the complaints.

“Sure, the clogging stirs up some sand, but the currents off Diddley’s takes most of the sediment over the wall,” Hoase said. “And we’re careful to run classes during non-peak times when there’s not a lot of other divers on the reef, like agency standards stipulate.”

The course is offered as a specialty through NAUI, PADI and SSI. Diesel also teaches a Solo Clogging course through IANTD, which bans use of bluegrass music.

“It’s an agency-specific thing, not a big deal,” Diesel said. “We separate the students from each other as far as we can and play Billy Idol’s ‘Dancing With Myself’ on the underwater speaker.”

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October 23, 2015 · 7:46 am

Blacktip Island Players To Perform “Waiting For Cousteau”

Divemaster Alison Diesel rests recumbent as the Imperial Japanese Navy cruiser Aikoku Maru during the dress rehearsal for Doris Blenny’s absurdist scuba drama, “Waiting For Cousteau.” (Photo courtesy of Woodym555)

Divemaster Alison Diesel rests recumbent as the Imperial Japanese Navy cruiser Aikoku Maru during the dress rehearsal for Doris Blenny’s absurdist scuba drama, “Waiting For Cousteau.” (Photo courtesy of Woodym555)

Absurdist scuba drama comes to Blacktip Island’s underwater theater Saturday with the Blacktip Community Players’ Fall Extravaganza “Waiting For Cousteau,” commemorating marine explorer Jacques Cousteau’s famous 1971 expedition to Truk Lagoon.

The play, written by B.C.P. artistic director Doris Blenny, blends ‘The Lagoon of Lost Ships’ episode of “The Undersea World of Jacques Cousteau,” which documented the exploration of the World War II-era Imperial Japanese fleet sunk at the South Pacific atoll, with Samuel Beckett’s “Waiting For Godot.”

“That show hooked a generation of scuba divers,” Blenny said. “Beckett hooked a generation of theater-goers. Combined, the two speak to a certain je ne sais quoi of time and place that is Blacktip Island.”

In Blenny’s play, the crew of Calypso waits in Truk Lagoon for Jacques Cousteau to arrive. A succession of messengers tells them Cousteau is coming, but he never does. Crewmembers pass the time studying fish, debating whether they’re seeing the same fish or merely similar fish, and whether they’ve had that conversation before.

“It’s art copying life for most of Blacktip’s residents,” Blenny said. “And, frankly, some of the guests.”

The play will be staged in 20 feet of water off Diddley’s Landing public pier in a model of Cousteau’s famous exploration ship, Calypso. Local divemasters will play Cousteau’s crew as well as the Japanese wrecks.

“It’s an awesome acting exercise,” said divemaster Alison Diesel, who plays the sunken auxiliary cruiser Aikoku Maru. “Any schmuck can lay there and say she’s a shipwreck, but for this, you have to tell a destroyer from a minesweeper just by the set of the actor’s shoulders. In full scuba gear, mind you.”

“The depth of talent on display here is stunning,” Blenny said. “Gage Hoase does the narration in an absolutely spot-on Rod Serling. And his prologue in Cousteau’s voice is uncanny.”

“Aft-air many days in the lagoon the Crew of Calypso became very lonely,” Hoase said as Cousteau. “Some even grew quite friendly with the booby birds populating the island.”

“Of course, on Blacktip the guests usually become friendly with the dive staff,” Hoase added, dropping out of character. “But it amounts to the same thing.”

All performers will use Aqua Lung regulators in honor of Cousteau’s invention.

The performance will be streamed live to televisions in the Sand Spit bar as well as on the B.C.P. website.

The Sand Spit will feature specials on rum-and-bourbon Shipwreck cocktails, French wine and Japanese sake. Red knit watch caps will be available for purchase before and after the calypso dance contest.

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October 2, 2015 · 9:04 am

Traffic Accidents Mount On Blacktip Island Reefs

Increased use of diver propulsion vehicles is causing traffic snarls on Blacktip Island dive sites. (photo courtesy of Matthew Hoelscher)

Increased use of diver propulsion vehicles is causing traffic snarls on Blacktip Island dive sites. (photo courtesy of Matthew Hoelscher)

Blacktip Island marine park officials are urging caution on the Caribbean island’s scuba dive sites after a spike in the number of accidents involving underwater diver propulsion vehicles.

“We’re victims of our own success,” said Eagle Ray Divers operations manager Ger Latner. “We’re teaching so many D.P.V. classes, it seems like everyone’s using scooters now.

“We tell students slow and steady’s the way to go with the scooters, but our guests never listen,” Latner said. “We’re seeing single- and multi-vehicle wrecks underwater about every day.”

The scooters also have many of the island’s scuba divers upset.

“Bunch of knuckleheads racing around is what they are,” diver Georgie Passaic said. “It’s just ZOOM and you’re blindsided by bubble trails and flapping fins. There’s even traffic jams on some of the sites.”

Officials say the problem is made worse by divers coming to Blacktip Island from different parts of the world.

“The Americans circle coral heads clockwise, whilst the Brits circle anti-clockwise,” Marine Parks spokesperson Val Schrader said. “And the Americans insist on using four-way stop right-of-way rules. The Brits use roundabout rules. The result is a right mess.”

Attempts to enforce underwater safety measures have been ineffective.

“The island constable’s jurisdiction ends at the shore,” Schrader said. “And we don’t have the personnel to patrol every dive site. We have plans for underwater traffic signals, but that’s a long way off.

“Meanwhile, the underwater wreckage is piling up,” Schrader said. “People just mash the accelerator and go. On some of the more popular reefs you can’t see the coral for the debris.”

Local dive professionals bristled at criticism they’re to blame for the situation.

“We crack down on scooter use, that takes beer from our mouths,” Club Scuba Doo dive operations manager Finn Kiick said. “People pay top dollar for D.P.V. courses and rental. We about went out of business last week when we banned scooters completely.”

Other industry insiders insist underwater scooters are here to stay.

“These D.P.V.s are a boon,” Eagle Ray Divers’ Latner said. “All the wrecked scooters out there mean we’re teaching more Wreck Diving courses, more Search and Recovery courses and more First Aid courses. We even have instructors working up Underwater Traffic Routing course outlines for NAUI, PADI and SSI.”

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September 18, 2015 · 7:24 am

Blacktip Island Tourist Harvest Slated For Saturday

Blacktip Island residents will get to strip cash from running tourists Saturday as part of the Caribbean island’s annual Equinox Fest, celebrating the autumnal equinox.

Blacktip Island residents will get to strip cash from running tourists Saturday as part of the Caribbean island’s annual Equinox Fest, celebrating the autumnal equinox.

Blacktip Island’s annual Equinox Fest will kick off Saturday morning at Diddley’s Landing public pier. The traditional harvest festival, sponsored by the island’s Zoroastrian Council, marks the day when sunlight and darkness are of equal length.

“Astrologically, the equinox isn’t until the 23rd,” said Zoroastrian Council president Autumn Zenith, “but when you factor in the refracted pre-dawn and post-dusk light, the exact balance falls on the 19th.

“Plus, having the Fest on a Saturday lets everyone get in on the action,” Zenith said.

The event will feature food, drink and games celebrating the balance of light and darkness.

“We’ve scheduled tightrope walkers, a chess tournament, unicycle races and meditation contests,” Zenith said. “We’ll also have swings and see-saws for the kids. And of course there’ll be the rum tents serving local light and dark rums.”

The highlight of the festival, as always, will be the Harvesting of the Tourists.

“Like Oktoberfest, this festival dates back centuries,” Agriculture Ministry spokesperson Pomona Ceres said. “This is the time of year Blacktippers used to sell their harvests. With the rise of tourism, though, we learned to harvest cash directly from island visitors.”

For the Harvesting, guests cover themselves in $1 bills and run down the island’s street in full scuba gear while locals snatch money off of them.

“Participation’s 100 percent volunteer, and most tourists are delighted to participate,” Ceres said. “We provide them all with free rum before the run and free t-shirts after. The rum’s the clincher, I suspect.

“We also have a separate children’s Harvest, with some of our heavier guests shuffling along slow enough for the kids to grab some cash,” Ceres added. “It’s often the big-money event, given the size of some of our island’s scuba diving visitors and how many dollar bills it takes to cover them.”

“The Harvesting can get brutal,” island divemaster Hugh Calloway said. “Last year a guy tripped on his fins and face planted. People were on him like ducks on a June bug. They snagged his cash, his shorts, this Rolex, everything.”

The Island Psychiatric Association will offer free mental health screenings throughout the festival.

“There are more unbalanced people per capita on this island than anywhere in the world,” I.P.A. president Elysia Fromm said. “And doling out free rum is throwing petrol on a bonfire.

“It’s job security for association members, though, so we do try to celebrate balance in our own way,” Fromm said. “And we’re not about to miss out on grabbing free cash.”

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September 11, 2015 · 7:37 am

Stolen Scuba Gadgets Have Blacktip Island Cops Baffled

Blacktip Island scuba divers have been hit with a spate of daring mid-dive robberies while enjoying the Caribbean island’s reefs.

Blacktip Island scuba divers have been hit with a spate of daring mid-dive robberies while enjoying the Caribbean island’s reefs.

Blacktip Island authorities are currently investigating a string of thefts from scuba diving guests on the small Caribbean island.

“We’d normally classify this as a prank since all the missing gear is essentially useless,” Island Police Constable Rafe Marquette said. “Underwater noisemakers, ankle weights, aluminum pointer sticks. Even a set of nitrox dive tables.

“But they’re being stolen in broad daylight,” Marquette said. “That speaks to a certain audacity on the part of the thief. This morning a gentleman had a tank banger stolen mid-dive, and there’s evidence a knife was used. That’s assault.”

Blacktip Island business leaders are especially concerned.

“We have to nip this nonsense in the bud before divers start cancelling their trips,” Eagle Ray Cove resort owner Rich Skerritt said. “I don’t care how silly the gizmos are, people have a right to dive with them. And our dive shop’s sold out of tank bangers.”

Speculation about the culprit is rampant.

“It’s got to be a local with an ax to grind,” Sandy Bottoms’ Beach Resort general manager Kay Valve said. “This island’s chock-full of crazies. It could be anyone, really.

“My money’s on a rogue divemaster,” Valve said. “These are the gadgets that drive DMs bug-nutty.”

Some guests, however, suspect a commercial motive.

“The resorts are making a fortune off this business,” said Eagle Ray Cove dive guest Buddy Brunnez. “When my fish ID slates disappeared, first thing I did was buy another set. Then they got swiped. I’ve bought three sets this week. And my wife’s on her fourth dry snorkel.”

The island’s dive staffs are less concerned.

“Whoever’s kyping the stuff is doing a public service,” Eagle Ray Divers divemaster Marina DeLow said. “She – or he – deserves a medal.

“All the Inspector Gadget crap people strap to themselves is a pain on the boat and a pain during dives. We’re having a bonfire party tonight to show our support.”

Police are warning divers to remain vigilant.

“This is our biggest crime spree since the bar tunnel-in of 2009,” Marquette said. “We’re dealing with an armed, potentially unstable individual here.”

Dive guests are taking the constable’s warning to heart.

“I’m sleeping with my Crocodile Dundee dive knife under my pillow,” Brunnez said. “No way some joker’s getting that. And my wife’s wearing her split fins to bed every night, too. Just to be safe.”

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August 28, 2015 · 8:34 am

Blacktip Island Wranglers Prep For Feral Cat Roundup

Blacktip Island officials are concerned a rise in feral cat numbers on the Caribbean island will devastate native wildlife and cause a health crisis. (photo courtesy Brisbane City Council)

Blacktip Island officials are concerned a rise in feral cat numbers on the Caribbean island will devastate native wildlife and cause a health crisis. (photo courtesy Brisbane City Council)

A spike in Blacktip Island’s feral cat population has prompted the Blacktip Theosophy Society’s Feral Cat Roundup this weekend to capture and neuter as many of the Caribbean island’s wild cats as possible.

“It’s an ad hoc sort of thing, dependent on cat population estimates,” said event organizer and society president Clete Horn. “They kill our native wildlife, and with so many cats, it’s a ticking time bomb public health-wise.

“The potential for hazardous people-feline interaction is off the charts,” Horn said. “There’s already been a couple cases of cat-scratch fever, and at least one divemaster’s been diagnosed with worms. Plus, the damn things keep peeing on my back porch.”

The two-day roundup requires all roped cats be neutered and released.

“A while back we people loose with .22 rifles and let ‘em pop as many cats as they could,” Horn said. “A month later we were eat up with rats.

“The roundup’s a way to balance out the cat and rat populations,” Horn said. “It’s an algorithm we’ve worked out based on how the Balinese rotate their rice crops to keep their rat population in check. It’s counterintuitive, but it works.”

“It’s like herding kittens, except they’re bigger and faster,” Theosophy Society wrangler Marina DeLow said. “And mean.”

“Beaters go through the brush whacking sticks to chase the cats into the corrals,” DeLow said. “We use fishing line for lassoes, and reinforced landing nets for the wily ones.”

Some island residents oppose the roundup.

“These cats are part of the ecosystem and have as much right to be here as anyone else,” local Protesting Inhumane Treatment of Animals president Harry Pickett said. “They need to be embraced, not roped and hog tied and snipped.”

Most islanders, though, are looking forward to the event.

“It’s adventure, it’s excitement and it rids us of pests,” resident Ginger Bass said. “If that’s not good, family entertainment, I don’t know what is. And the kids get to practice their lariat skills with some of the smaller cats.”

The weekend will also feature a greased-kitten chase for children as well as food stalls and craft booths with roundup-related products such as lassoes, heavy-duty gloves and landing nets. Prizes will be awarded for biggest cat captured and for the most cats captured.

The roundup concludes with Sunday afternoon’s Miss Kitty contest.

The island’s public health department is advising all participants and spectators to update their rabies vaccinations.

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August 21, 2015 · 7:24 am

Blacktip Island Mayoral Race Raises Immigration Ugliness

Blacktip Islanders gathered for an island hall meeting Thursday evening to discuss issues in the Caribbean island’s upcoming mayoral election.

Blacktip Islanders gathered for an island hall meeting Thursday evening to discuss issues in the Caribbean island’s upcoming mayoral election.

Blacktip Island’s mayoral race thrust immigration reform to the forefront of island politics Thursday after former mayor Jack Cobia demanded the immediate deportation of half the foreign workers on the Caribbean island.

Cobia is hoping to unseat first-term mayor Neville Crab.

“We got lots of good people on this island just begging for work,” Cobia said. “There’s way too many scuba hippies doing jobs locals could be doing. Chuck out the foreigners, problem solved. The current administration’s silence on this speaks volumes.”

Island politicos call Cobia’s plan an electoral Hail Mary.

“Jack’s trailing badly in the polls, so he’s built a straw man to compensate,” government watchdog Wade Soote said. “Sure, jobs are scarce on Blacktip, but so are people. Anyone able to keep a job has one.

“And the current mayor’s silent because he’s a bloody hermit crab,” Soote added. That’s why we elected him. He says nothing and does nothing. Best mayor we’ve ever had.”

Cobia’s rhetoric, though, has struck a chord with some locals.

“Every job that goes to some off islander means one of us’s going without,” laborer Dermott Bottoms said. “Ship five of them out, five of us got jobs.”

“It’s getting too crowded here,” local James Conlee said. “I pass people on the road all the time now. That never used to happen, you know. Most of them’re expats.”

But not all voters agreed.

“Dermott and his pals complain, but none of them’ve ever been able to hold a job for more than a week,” Eagle Ray Cove resort owner Rich Skerritt said. “Their issue’s not lack of work, it’s lack of beer money.”

With immigration reform talk driving his poll numbers higher, Cobia has upped his effort in recent days.

“All the foreign workers are concentrated around the resorts on the west coast,” Cobia said. “We’re gonna put up a barbed-wire fence to keep them off the rest of the island.”

Cobia declined to disclose how he plans to finance the proposed fence or where he would acquire barbed wire on Blacktip Island.

“There’s plenty of backers, I guarantee,” Cobia said. “And willing workers. That’s all I’m gonna say about that.”

Despite Cobia’s recent rise in the polls, experts doubt it will be enough to carry the election in the fall.

“There’s only five registered voters on Blacktip Island,” Soote said. “And three of them are in jail on drunk-and-disorderly charges.”

Cobia, meanwhile, remains upbeat.

“Even if I don’t get elected, at least I got people talking about important issues,” he said.

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August 14, 2015 · 8:01 am

World War Two Aircraft Found On Blacktip Island Reef

Divemaster Alison Diesel investigates airplane wreckage from the World War Two Battle of the Blacktip Sea.

Divemaster Alison Diesel investigates airplane wreckage from the World War Two Battle of the Blacktip Sea.

Divemasters scuba diving off Blacktip Island’s rugged east coast Wednesday discovered the wreckage of an airplane believed downed in the World War Two Battle of the Blacktip Sea.

“We was looking at a stingray when we seen the wings and undercarriage,” Eagle Ray Cove divemaster Lee Helm said. “We brushed the rubbish off and there was the Tiperon Air Corp’s roundel, plain as my hand.”

“Those storms last week blasted out all kinds of sand, I guess,” said divemaster Alison Diesel. “I mean, we’d dove there before and never seen anything but fish and coral.”

The wreckage matches photos of the island’s Piper Cub mail plane shot down as it delivered the fatal blow to the invading Axis flagship.

“The Battle of the Blacktip Sea was minor, but decisive,” said island historian Smithson Altschul. “The Italians hoped to gain a foothold in Cuba. All that stood in their way was Blacktip Island and the Tiperon navy’s light frigate Frigate. It was outgunned and outnumbered by the Italian pocket destroyers Fianchetto and Giuoco Piano.

“Islanders loaded the mail plane with Molotov cocktails made from grain alcohol and rum bottles,” Altschul said. “The last bomb dropped took out the Fianchetto’s bridge just as the Piper got hit.”

“Mama seen it,” Dermott Bottoms said. “Said folks thought it was a fireworks show ‘til they heard hollering in Italian. After, any enemy sailors swam to shore, folks whacked ‘em with conchs and stuffed ‘em in the turtle kraal.”

The Tiperon government has declared the area around the wreckage a heritage site and banned scuba diving to discourage souvenir collectors. Local dive entrepreneurs Sandy Bottoms and Rich Skerritt, however, are lobbying to turn the site into a pay-per-dive scuba park with interpretive tours.

“This is our heritage,” Skerritt said. “We got a right to access. Got Battle Diver specialty courses lined up, you know. In English and Italian. The fees’ll raise money for more exploration. And other things.”

Island officials, meanwhile, commemorated the find by declaring a new public holiday.

“August was the only month without a bank holiday,” island mayor Jack Cobia said. “It screamed for one. Hell, April has two holidays. This first-ever Battle Day’ll be a blast!”

Holiday festivities are works in progress, organized by local residents.

“Gonna start with a round-robin Boobies and Frigates tournament with lawn darts out back of the Last Ballyhoo,” said local James Conlee. “There’s free beer for all team members, and a free kamikaze shot if you get hit.”

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August 7, 2015 · 6:01 am

Red Herrings Invade Blacktip Island Reefs

Non-native red herrings have overwhelmed Blacktip Island in recent months, confounding scuba divers and angering residents.

Non-native red herrings have overwhelmed Blacktip Island in recent months, confounding scuba divers and angering residents.

Blacktip Island residents are scrambling to combat invasive red herrings causing dangerous levels of confusion on the Caribbean island’s reefs.

“No one’s sure how they got here,” Eagle Ray Divers operations manager Ger Latner said Thursday. “Where’s stuff like this ever come from? Our guess, they got dragged here, either unintentionally in a boat’s bilge, or on purpose by some yahoo.

“Either way, they’ve got to go,” Latner said. “They’re gobbling up our native species and wearing out our divemasters.”

Other scuba professionals are concerned about the threat the herrings pose to scuba diving guests.

“They’re beautiful and all, but they get our divers into some pretty gnarly jams,” Club Scuba Doo dive manager Finn Kiick said. “They shimmy and flash and you chase after them. Then they head for deeper water. We got guests going into deco left and right.

“There’s way more divers getting lost, too,” Kiick said. “They zone out following some bogus fish across the reef, and bang-o, next thing they know they’re three dive sites over. And out of air.”

After attempts to cull the herrings proved futile, government officials have shifted tactics to control their damage.

“For whatever reason, red herrings seem to thrive on this little island,” Marine Parks spokesperson Basil Kipper said. “We tried leading them into nets, but they wouldn’t follow, and quick as we would spear one, two more would take its place.

“Currently we’re urging divers to simply ignore them and hope they go away,” Kipper said. “Really, they’re only dangerous if one pays attention to them. The herrings, not the divers.”

Island leaders are demanding more proactive measures.

“These things are destroying our tourism product,” Eagle Ray Cove resort owner Rich Skerritt said. “All this talk about these damn fish’s got folks sidetracked from the important issues facing Blacktip. Just spear ‘em all, pronto, and restore diver confidence so we can refocus on extending our airstrip and expanding our resorts.”

Other residents are taking a more inclusive approach to the pests.

“We serve up red herrings at just about every meal,” said Blacktip Haven resort owner Elena Havens. “Like it or not, they’re part of our island’s ecosystem. We tell our guests ‘accept them, embrace them, then eat them.’

“We’re all red herrings at heart, when you think about it,” Havens said.

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July 24, 2015 · 7:30 am

Blacktip Island Divers Brace For Dockside Security Screenings

Skerritt Security scanning devices line the Eagle Ray Divers dock Friday, ready for scuba divers. Similar scanners have been installed at all Blacktip Island scuba resorts.

Skerritt Security scanning devices line the Eagle Ray Divers dock Friday, ready for scuba divers. Similar scanners have been installed at all Blacktip Island scuba resorts.

Beginning today, Blacktip Island scuba divers will undergo multiple security screenings before boarding dive boats due to threats made against the Caribbean island’s reefs.

“We got credible intel about attacks on the underwater environment,” Public Safety director Ferris Skerritt said. “These attacks are aimed at destroying Blacktip’s tourism industry and could result in the death of recreational divers, as well as untold fish and coral heads.

“We’ve called for, and received, the government’s full support in combating this threat,” Skerritt said.

The Tiperon Islands government has contracted security measures to Skerritt Security.

Local dive professionals dispute the threat’s seriousness.

“One out of context remark, and Barney Fife breaks out the prods and rubber gloves,” Eagle Ray Divers operations manager Ger Latner said. “It’s like last year’s War on Terriers fiasco, where ol’ Ferris rounded up all the island dogs for questioning. On the government dime, of course.”

Island business owners defend the screenings.

“The hell we’re not threatened! By eco-terrorists!” Eagle Ray Divers owner Rich Skerritt said. “A nutcase on one of our boats said, clear as day, he was gonna blow up fish. Then his accomplice referenced an ‘ayatollah.’ That’s a threat, context be damned.”

Witnesses disagreed.

“The dude said, ‘That blowfish was the bomb,’” Eagle Ray Divers divemaster Alison Diesel said. “Then his drunk buddy slurred, ‘I, uh, told you so.’ People on Blacktip don’t make bombs, we get bombed.”

Security experts, however, are taking no chances.

“Each resort now has explosive trace detectors and millimeter wave scanners at the top of their docks,” Ferris Skerritt said. “Then X-ray backscatter machines and hands-on security personnel at each boat. You wont be able to sniff the reef without a thorough going over.”

The measures already have scuba diving guests complaining of overzealous screeners.

“Those chuckleheads groped me places I didn’t know I had,” scuba guest Bubba Gadgette said. “Two of ‘em. Four times! I mean, what could I possibly hide in my Speedo? Now, I enjoyed it and all, but they confiscated my booties for no reason.”

Officials dismissed the complaints.

“Of course it’s intrusive. And expensive,” Ferris Skeritt said. “We can’t take any chances. And the program’s an unqualified success: we’ve had zero attacks since we installed our system.

“We’re also looking at ways to protect the island’s reefs from lone-wolf shore divers,” Skerritt said. “No telling what some radicalized Cousteau-wannabe’s capable of. By God, we’ll scan them on the beaches and frisk them on the ironshore if need be. Cost be damned.”

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