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Blacktip Island Native To Pen Weekly Advice Column

ask dermott
The Blacktip Times will feature a new weekly advice column in its Lifestyles section.

In response to a growing number of letters to the editor sent to The Blacktip Times regarding lifestyle questions, the paper’s editor-in-chief announced Wednesday the creation of ‘Ask Dermott,’ a man-on-the-street oriented advice column.

“Dermott Bottoms is one of the few people born on Blacktip Island. He’s lived his whole life here,” editor Samson Post said. “He’s uniquely qualified to offer insight into how to live happily and peacefully on this little rock.

“His advice is succinct and to the point,” Post said. “Dermott will be a great addition to the Blacktip Times team.”

Bottoms said the move was a no-brainer.

“Offer advice at the Sand Spit every evening, might as well get paid for it,” he said.

The Times is offering a sample of the new column prior to its official release:

Dear Dermott,

When I’m drinking tea, should I hold my pinkie out, or is that a pretentious holdover from the old days? – Tea Bone

Dear Tea Bone,

‘Pinkie?’ Ought to have your butt kicked just for that. Drink beer. Do whatever you want with your fingers.

**

Yo, Dermott,

I was out for a day of fishing when my outboard died. I got out and swam the skiff back to shore. When I got home, I found my wife in bed with our neighbor. She was wearing a Batman hood and cape. He was wearing a Hello Kitty mask. What should I do? – All Wet

Dear Wet,

Check your fuel can for water, your fuel line for clogs and maybe clean the air filter.

**

Hey, Dermott,

Every time I give a dive briefing, Bananarama’s ‘Cruel Summer’ plays from my dental fillings. Guests are spooked. Am I out of a job? – Music Man

Dear Music,

Tell them it used to be show tunes, so it could be worse.

**

Dermott,

Two people asked me to the same Christmas party. I like them both, but for different reasons. Who should I pick? – In A Bind

Dear Bind,

Flip a coin. This is Blacktip Island – you don’t lose your partner, you just lose your turn.

**

Hi, Dermott,

This holiday season I’m searching for the perfect wine pairing for land crab. Any suggestions? – Thirsty Diner

Dear Thirsty,

Chilled Heineken accentuates the flavor of land crab without overpowering it. For whelk stew, try a warm Amstel. Or skip the food and go straight to rum.

**

OK, Dermott,

In a Dungeons and Dragons scenario where my group is trapped by a giant cave troll, should I cast a spell of invisibility and sneak away, or a spell of ogre strength and maybe save everyone? – Draggin’ Behind

Dear Draggin’,

Get the hell out of my column.

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