Sunday, October 23, 2022
Temperature: 84
Humidity: 73%
Precipitation: Maybe
Tag Archives: Tim W. Jackson
‘Eff Them Effers’ Sandspur Fest Highlights Blacktip Island’s Weekend
Blacktip Island residents will celebrate the island’s ubiquitous beach sandspurs (Footius fuqeurus) this weekend by ripping up and destroying as many of the plants as possible. (photo courtesy of Forest and Kim Starr)
Blacktip Island residents this Sunday will pay homage to the small Caribbean island’s pernicious sandspurs—spine-covered burs causing pain for barefoot beachgoers—by ripping up as many of the plants as possible at the 3rd annual ‘Eff Them Effers’ festival, event organizers said.
“Sandspurs are part of the ecosystem, blah blah blah, but tell me that after you step on a clump of them,” botanist Archie Pelago said. “Hurts like king hell. They go by all sorts of names, but most Blacktippers call them . . . well . . . it rhymes with ‘put truckers.’
“Anytime you’re up at the top of the beach, you’re in the sandspur zone,” Pelago said. “The fest is payback, and we rip up as many as possible. And there’s prizes for the most creative way to destroy them, their roots and their seeds. We can’t beat ‘em, but we can give it our best effort.”
Judges said the event will take place at multiple venues.
“We’re focusing on the high-traffic areas where the footfuckers are most trouble,” Leigh Shore said. “Most of the sites are along the west coast, where the resorts and most of the houses are. We’re asking participants to choose one of the five zones we’ve marked out and rip up as many plants as possible. Then, at the end of the day, we’ll get together for beer and whatnot at the award ceremony that evening.
“Folks get points deducted if they fail to rip out the roots,” Shore said. “The big payoff, points-wise, is how creatively they dispose of the plants. The standard technique’s to chuck them into the sea, but if people want to burn them or grind them up, or what have you, they’ll be scored according to originality and effectiveness.”
Participants were eager for the destruction to begin.
“Nothing more satisfying than ripping up those damn things, and I mean nothing,” Alison Diesel said. “I won second place last year with my footfucker cannon that shot bundles of ‘em 100 feet out into sea. This year I’m aiming for first place with my footfucker soup—gonna turn pain into something delicious. Got a spicy bite to it folks’ll love.”
Not everyone was happy with the festival.
“Like them or not, these plants are an integral part of the island’s ecosystem,” conservationist Harry Pickett said. “Tearing them up willy-nilly will have unknown consequences going forward. Birds eat the seeds. Small animals build their homes in them. If people don’t want stickers in their feet, they should watch where they’re walking. Or wear shoes.”
The winner of the contest will receive the coveted Golden Flip-Flop award, a pair of gold-painted tweezers and a tube of antibiotic cream. Second- and third-place winners will receive t-shirts.
All participants and supporters are welcome at the post-festival beer bonfire. Protestors will be flung deep into sandspur grass.
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Blacktip Island Weather
Sunday, October 16, 2022
Temperature: 82
Humidity: 71%
Precipitation: Take a raincoat
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‘Brewstream’ Pipeline Will Supply Blacktip Island’s Bars
Sections of insulated pipe, with leak surveillance monitors, at Blacktip island’s Bonefish Brew prior to being buried as part of the company’s new Brewstream delivery system. (photo courtesy of Mike 1024)
Hostilities between Blacktip Island’s two competing breweries came to a head this week with the completion of Bonefish Brew’s ‘Brewstream’ pipeline, which will deliver draft beer directly to the small Caribbean island’s bars, company a spokesperson said.
“Those pirates over at Assmonkey Ale kept whacking our delivery van, then delivering their nasty-ass beer in its place,” Bonefish Brew president Adolph Süds said. “We tried everything to shut that down, with no success. Then we got the idea of a pipeline pumping beer directly to bars without the need for a van.
“Took us a while, since we had to bury it to head off Assmonkey saboteurs, but it’s in place now and going like gangbusters,” Süds said. “The hidden plus is the beer tastes fresher since it’s been aerated nicely and chilled with our insulated pipes. Customers love it.”
The rival brewer condemned the pipeline.
“They’re taking our livelihood, snatching food from our kids’ mouths,” Assmonkey Ale CEO Adolphus Mandrill said. “They can’t keep their van running, that’s not our fault, but it does speak to the quality control over there. And there’s no proof our people chucked those nails on the road. That’s straight-up defamation.
“Building a pipeline deprives folks to opportunity to enjoy our higher-quality products,” Mandrill said. “Plus, the lines going to Sandy Bottoms and the Sand Spit run awfully close to the booby pond. They already had one leak there. Sure, it improved the pond’s smell, but what happens when . . . pond water . . . gets carbureted into the flow? They’re gonna kill us all to make a buck.”
Island authorities urged caution from both sides.
“This beer battle’s been a pain in everybody’s butts,” Island Police Constable Rafe Marquette said. “Those roofing nails took out the tires on more vehicles than just a delivery van. Happens again, people’re going to jail. Once my tires get replaced.
“Bigger problem with the feud is bars run out of beer,” Marquette said. “That’s a major public safety emergency on this island. No beer in the bars, folks’ll riot. They tore up Eagle Ray Cove’s tiki bar just last week. I don’t care who wins, this crap just needs to stop. If a pipeline does that, I’m all for it and can finally get some sleep.”
Island residents were pleased with the news.
“I don’t know, or care, who flung the nails,” island de facto mayor Jack Cobia said. “For all I know, it was a Bonefish Brew false flag to make Assmonkey look bad. My office fully supports anything that puts an end to the nastiness. If Assmonkey has to die, well, it’s for the greater good.”
Cobia would neither confirm nor deny reports he has significant investments in Bonefish Brew.
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Blacktip Island Weather
Sunday, October 9, 2022
Temperature: 84
Humidity: 73%
Precipitation: Not anytime soon
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Giant, Cretaceous-Era ‘Devil Frog’ Terrorizes Blacktip Island
Blacktip Island resident are on edge this week after reports of a dinosaur-era giant frog stalking the small Caribbean island’s pets and small children. (photo illustration by Nobu Tamura)
A large, carnivorous frog species, long thought extinct, this week attacked Blacktip Island pets and children, panicking many of the small Caribbean island’s residents.
“Blacktip used to be lousy with devil frogs,” island historian Smithson Altschul said. “They were a terror for the early settlers, eating livestock, attacking children and sliming larders. Folks killed them off back in the 1920s, and there’s been no sightings since.
“With these new reports, though, the worry is all they might be back,” Altschul said. “Devil frogs can get as big as dogs, and there’s been all kinds of cats and chickens going missing. Folks are on edge.”
Officials say the first reports of the frog were ignored.
“The initial sightings were by Dermott Bottoms and James Conlee,” Island Police Constable Rafe Marquette said. “That’s the same pair who swore they saw a platypus at the Sand Spit bar, and a mermaid off the Eagle Ray Cove dock, so we chalked it up to too much rum. It wasn’t ‘til Doris Blenny’s cats disappeared, and little Shelley Bottoms came face-to-face with a giant frog in the bushes—and took a sticky tongue to the face—that we put the pieces together.
“We’ve got hunters out, and’ll do whatever it takes to kill this thing,” Marquette said. “Gets much bigger, it’ll be a danger to adults, too. As it is, we’re telling folks to keep their small children inside for the duration.”
Island biologists hope to capture the frog alive.
“Blacktip Island’s devil frogs were a subspecies of Beelzebufo ampinga, which first appeared nearly 60 million years ago,” cryptozoologist Chrissy Graysby said. “They were apex predators whose ancestors ate small dinosaurs. The ancient Egyptians worshiped them. If there’s one, or more, alive on Blacktip, that’d be a huge discovery. Sure, and a public safety concern, blah blah blah, but a huge opportunity.
“There’s no telling how one of these survived,” Graysby said. “Our working hypothesis is there was at least one dormant egg buried in dried mud in the interior, and all the recent rain caused it to hatch. And there could be more than one.”
Some residents were critical of the official response.
“Didn’t believe me, now look where we are,” Dermott Bottoms said. “It got a bunch of cats, and tried to get a little girl. Wouldn’t’ve happened if they’d listened to me. All makes sense now—folks ain’t seen that platypus ‘cause the devil frog ate it. The mermaid, too.
“Me and James, we made us a giant frog trap, though,” Bottoms said. “Buried a big net under some sea grape leaves, tied an iguana to a stake in the middle. That ol’ frog goes after the bait, WHOOSH! Up goes the net. Even if it’s off the net, if it shoots its tongue at the iguana, the net’s fine enough to grab it by the tongue. It’s foolproof.”
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Blacktip Island Weather
Sunday, October 2, 2022
Temperature: 86
Humidity: 74%
Precipitation: Not today
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The Blacktip Times 