Sunday, April 14, 2024
Temperature: 83
Humidity: 71%
Precipitation: Bet on it
Tag Archives: Tim W. Jackson
End-Times Rapture Blamed For Blacktip Island Eclipse Disappearances
At least two Blacktip Island residents are suspected of being lifted to Heaven during Monday’s total solar eclipse, leaving behind only their clothes and Bibles. (photo courtesy of ESO/R. Lucchesi)
The disappearance of several Blacktip Island residents during this week’s total solar eclipse has been attributed by locals to the eschatological concept of The Rapture, where true believers in Christ will be raised to Heaven at or before the end of the world.
“Can’t speak to Joey Pompano’s relationship with the Lord, but during the totality, one minute he was beside me and the next there was nothing but a t-shirt, shorts, flip flops and a Bible,” Ginger Bass said. “Folks been talking about the eclipse signaling the beginning of the end times, so I reckon this is proof of that. I heard the same thing happened to Rusty Bollard down at the last Ballyhoo, so it’s not just a one-off. And that damn Rusty owed me $100.”
Some residents worried about additional disappearances.
“Thing is, we only know about two people who disappeared,” Christina Mojarra said. “Someone needs to do an island-wide census to find out who, exactly, isn’t with us anymore. It could be a bunch, the way folks flock to church on Sundays and Wednesdays. Guess it shows who the true believers are. Were. But now we got to get ready for seven years of Hell before the world ends.”
Island religious leaders downplayed those concerns.
“While I applaud everybody’s increased religious curiosity, but there is no proof anyone has been whisked off to the Hereafter,” the Reverend Pierre Grunt said. “None of my congregants have vanished. I haven’t vanished. And we’re the ones likely to be Raptured. If Joey and Rusty did go to Heaven and I didn’t, well . . . there’s gonna be Hell to pay.”
Island officials were skeptical of the story.
“Joey was facing court dates for drink-driving and driving without a license,” Island Police Constable Rafe Marquette said. “And Rusty has the biggest bar tab in island history. Until I have evidence otherwise, I’m treating these as cases of them staging opportunistic schemes to escape accountability. Which will count against them in court.
“At this point, they’re probably running through the bush naked,” Marqutte said. “Which ought to be a crime, too, but I reckon the inland mosquitos’ll be punishment enough.”
Other residents were comforted by the news. “Folks talking about being Raptured, I thought they were talking about the Blondie song,” Paloma Fairlead said. “That tune always made me want to run and hide. When I found out it was a religious thing, I thought that’s great—I’m off the hook! I can do whatever I want and not worry about ruining my chances at Heaven. And good riddance to Joey, wherever that little creep ended up.”
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Blacktip Island Weather
Sunday, April 7, 2024
Temperature: 85
Humidity: 68%
Precipitation: Leave the rain jacket at home
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Unofficial Blood Drive Angers Blacktip Island Donors
A Blacktip Island resident’s unsanctioned blood drive angered donors this week. (photo courtesy of Vegasjon)
A rogue phlebotomist’s non-sanctioned blood drive at the Blacktip Island Heritage House Wednesday outraged donors, who thought they were donating to the Red Cross, and landed the perpetrator in jail.
“Linford Blenny just set up a blood collection event without approval from anybody,” island nurse Marissa Graysby said. “He took over the Heritage House’s main room, with folding cots, snacks, juice, the whole shebang. Community-minded folks lined up to donate, and it was mid-morning before someone noticed something seemed off.
“The red cross on the banners was the first tip off,” Graysby said. “The cross piece was twice as long as the upright. Then Kay Valve noticed the post-donation crackers were loose saltines in a bowl instead of the individual mini-bags of Cheez-Its. It all unraveled from there.”
Island authorities were called to the scene immediately.
“When I got there, four people were sitting on Lin to keep him from getting away,” Island Police Constable Rafe Marquette said. “The rest of the donors were yelling and trying to get a whack at him. I had to quell the riot before I could sort out what was actually happening.
“Turns out Lin wasn’t sanctioned by the Red Cross or Health Service or anyone,” Marquette said. “He was just independently collecting blood. People were hollering they wanted their blood back, but Lin had already taken some away to . . . somewhere. We still can’t account for all the blood donors or blood donated. I put him in the jail for his own safety while I look up what laws, exactly, he violated.”
Residents questioned the motive for the collections.
“That Linford, he’s a straight up vampire,” Archie Pelago said. “Drainin’ folks’ blood and storin’ it in a ice chest for later. You should’ve seen the way he thrashed when I came at him with garlic salt and a wooden stake. The hit dog hollers, y’know.”
Others weren’t convinced.
“Bunch of nonsense, all this talk of vampires,” Ginger Bass said. “Ol’ Linford wanted that blood for sacrificing to random gods up on the bluff. Only thing that makes sense. I will say, he was good with those needles, though, and didn’t hurt anyone. Ought to work for the Red Cross, if he ever gets out of jail.”
Blenny refuted all supposed motives.
“These folks and their crazy ideas,” he said. “I was drawing blood to check for lizard-people DNA, plain and simple. Statistically, the iguana-to-people ratio on Blacktip’s way too high, so I set out to check. Most of these Blacktippers had their COVID vaccine, too. Coincidence? I think not. ‘Course, if I said that up front, nobody’d have given their blood for testing.
“More and more folks here have a squinty, reptilian look to their eyes, too. That’s not a coincidence, neither,” Blenny said. “Only way to know’s to test their blood. Gonna send the results to the appropriate authorities, soon as I get out of this jail. I guarantee the folks coing at me with stakes’re lizard people.”
Marquette scoffed at that idea.
“All indications are the only place Lin’ll go post-jail is the psych ward,” he said. “Probably for a long stay.”
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Blacktip Island Weather
Sunday, March 31, 2024
Temperature: 84
Humidity: 66%
Precipitation: Incoming
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Blacktip Island Theosophy Society Plans Easter Séance
The Blacktip Island Theosophy Society’s Ouija board will be the center of attention early Sunday morning, when participants will attempt to bring one of the island’s early leaders back from the dead. (photo courtesy of Jerrod Ephesians/the Blacktip Island Theosophy Society)
The Blacktip Island Theosophy Society will host an Easter séance to call back from the dead one of the small Caribbean island’s earliest settlers with the goal of reconnecting to the community’s founding values.
“We’ve gotten so disconnected from Blacktip’s original principles,” the former reverend Jerrod Ephesians, head of the island’s Ecumenical Council, said. “There’s less and less binding us together as a community. People work, drink, then pass out with so little sense of purpose.
“That’s where bringing Lumpy Bottoms back comes in.” Ephesians said. “Lumpy was one of Blacktip’s original settlers back in 17-whatever, and the patriarch of the Bottoms clan. With his guidance the island population prospered and grew. We have no idea what that guidance was, so we thought we’d ask.”
Island historians agreed.
“Lumpy was our first mayor,” Leigh Shore said. “This is the perfect opportunity to reconnect with that old-time way of life. We’ll get suggestions on what we need to do to regain the heart and soul of our community straight from the horse’s mouth, so to speak.
“We’ll gather at midnight Easter morning when the vibes are strongest and settle in around the Ouija board,” Shore said. “The board’s fairly small, so only a few people will actually be touching the planchette, but we’re setting up extra chairs for spectators—all are welcome—and they can touch us. Then there’ll be plenty of time to go to the Easter sunrise service down the road, for those so inclined.”
Blacktip’s religious community denounced the plan.
“This sort of pagan quackery is totally inappropriate, especially on Easter,” the Reverend Pierre Grunt of the Blacktip Island Interdenominational Church said. “We’re talking about one of the most revered days on the Christian calendar being undermined by mumbo-jumbo that chips away at peoples’ faith. What’s next, a hunt for liquor-filled Easter eggs in the church? Jerrod’s lot may find this humorous, but some of us find it deeply offensive.”
Ephesians challenged that criticism.
“Pierre needs to chill. We’re doing this at midnight so it won’t interfere with Easter services,” he said. “Easter’s a powerful day, with all sorts of spiritual, psychic energy flowing. This is our best window to bring Lumpy back.
“And we’re making that energy accessible to everyone, not just church-goers,” Ephesians said. “Non-Christians often feel left out on holidays like this. It’s a positive thing, aimed at benefitting the entire community. It’s not like we’re calling back Jack the Ripper or Stalin.”
The séance will take place in the Theosophy Society’s great room. Participants are encouraged to arrive early and to dress warmly.
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Blacktip Island Weather
Sunday, March 14, 2024
Temperature: 83
Humidity: 64%
Precipitation: Could be
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Tiperon University-Blacktip Earns First March Madness Appearance
The TU-B Mantis Shrimp, named for the Caribbean island’s ferocious peacock mantis shrimp (pictured), won their first-ever game in the NCAA March Madness basketball tournament Wednesday. (Photo courtesy of Roy L. Caldwell, Department of Integrative Biology, University of California, Berkeley)
The Tiperon University-Blacktip Fightin’ Mantis Shrimp earned their first appearance in the NCAA March Madness men’s basketball tournament Wednesday with a 67-65 play-in game win over the heavily-favored Eastern Florida Community College Fire Ants.
“Folks didn’t give us much of a chance, but this team proved everybody wrong,” Mantis Shrimp head coach Jack Mackrell said. “These guys ignored the naysayers, took care of business on the court and made Blacktip proud. It was rough going in the first half, and we got in foul trouble early, but they gutted it out.
“I understand the doubters,” Mackrell said. “With only 12 students at TU-B, we were doing good to field a team, frankly. To shake off the first-half jitters, I gambled a bit and switched from the zone defense EFCC had sussed to man-to-man. From there, we took it to them. Never been so proud of these boys.”
Blacktip Island residents were ecstatic with the win.
“All week we’d been hearing about how TU-B didn’t belong in the same time zone as the tournament,” Rosie Blenny said. “Well, we showed them. David just whomped, well, another David, but we can beat any team in this tourney when we play to our potential. Lots of folks eating crow today. Or should I say, ‘Ants’?”
The Mantis Shrimp were paced by the three-point shooting of the Bottoms twins.
“Me and Spanky couldn’t miss in the second half,” guard Fatty Bottoms said. “East Florida jammed us in the paint, so we’d kick the ball back outside and started draining treys left and right. Then, when they started double-teaming us outside the arc, we pounded it inside to Rusty Goby and let him crash the boards.”
“Next thing we knew, we were on a 16-1 run and the Fire Ants players were hanging their heads,” Spanky Bottoms said. “Folks wrote us off? We feed on that. We’re Cinderella, and enjoying every minute of this. And we’ll keep on dancing tonight.”
The EFCC head coach praised the Mantis Shrimp.
“Hats off to them. They made the adjustment and we didn’t,” coach Danny Hamlet said. “Nothing worse than getting knocked out in the play-in. Well, actually, there’s lots of worse things, but this’s still damn disappointing.”
Rosie Blenny organized an impromptu watch party for tonight’s first-round game.
“We’re all getting together at the Sand Spit Bar to cheer on the Shrimp,” she said. “We’re not settling for a one-and-done. Two more wins and we’re in the Sweet 16!”
The Mantis Shrimp, in only their second season fielding an NCAA team, swept the Western Caribbean Athletic Conference tournament to secure their spot in the play-in game. Their next game will be tonight at 7 p.m. against one-seed University of Houston.
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The Blacktip Times 