At least two Blacktip Island residents are suspected of being lifted to Heaven during Monday’s total solar eclipse, leaving behind only their clothes and Bibles. (photo courtesy of ESO/R. Lucchesi)
The disappearance of several Blacktip Island residents during this week’s total solar eclipse has been attributed by locals to the eschatological concept of The Rapture, where true believers in Christ will be raised to Heaven at or before the end of the world.
“Can’t speak to Joey Pompano’s relationship with the Lord, but during the totality, one minute he was beside me and the next there was nothing but a t-shirt, shorts, flip flops and a Bible,” Ginger Bass said. “Folks been talking about the eclipse signaling the beginning of the end times, so I reckon this is proof of that. I heard the same thing happened to Rusty Bollard down at the last Ballyhoo, so it’s not just a one-off. And that damn Rusty owed me $100.”
Some residents worried about additional disappearances.
“Thing is, we only know about two people who disappeared,” Christina Mojarra said. “Someone needs to do an island-wide census to find out who, exactly, isn’t with us anymore. It could be a bunch, the way folks flock to church on Sundays and Wednesdays. Guess it shows who the true believers are. Were. But now we got to get ready for seven years of Hell before the world ends.”
Island religious leaders downplayed those concerns.
“While I applaud everybody’s increased religious curiosity, but there is no proof anyone has been whisked off to the Hereafter,” the Reverend Pierre Grunt said. “None of my congregants have vanished. I haven’t vanished. And we’re the ones likely to be Raptured. If Joey and Rusty did go to Heaven and I didn’t, well . . . there’s gonna be Hell to pay.”
Island officials were skeptical of the story.
“Joey was facing court dates for drink-driving and driving without a license,” Island Police Constable Rafe Marquette said. “And Rusty has the biggest bar tab in island history. Until I have evidence otherwise, I’m treating these as cases of them staging opportunistic schemes to escape accountability. Which will count against them in court.
“At this point, they’re probably running through the bush naked,” Marqutte said. “Which ought to be a crime, too, but I reckon the inland mosquitos’ll be punishment enough.”
Other residents were comforted by the news. “Folks talking about being Raptured, I thought they were talking about the Blondie song,” Paloma Fairlead said. “That tune always made me want to run and hide. When I found out it was a religious thing, I thought that’s great—I’m off the hook! I can do whatever I want and not worry about ruining my chances at Heaven. And good riddance to Joey, wherever that little creep ended up.”
The Blacktip Times 