Tag Archives: Tim W. Jackson

September 25, 2015 · 8:30 am

Police Strike Leaves Blacktip Island Unprotected

Blacktip Island residents worry a wave of vandalism will sweep over the Caribbean island with Blacktip’s lone police officer on strike for better working conditions.

Blacktip Island residents worry a wave of vandalism will sweep over the Caribbean island with Blacktip’s lone police officer on strike for better working conditions.

Blacktip Island’s sole law enforcement officer went on strike Wednesday demanding an end to unfair working conditions on the small Caribbean island.

“I’m the only policeman on Blacktip,” Island Police Constable Rafe Marquette said. “I work 24 hours a day, seven days a week. I try to take a day off, people call 911. I have a rum and Coke, some joker reports me for drinking on duty.

“I’ve addressed the issue with community leaders and with police headquarters on Tiperon,” Marquette said. “Since nothing’s being done, I’ve no choice but to man the picket line.”

Tiperon Island Police say the problem lies with Blacktip Island’s small population.

“It’s a numbers thing,” T.I.P. spokesperson Dick Goby said. “We only have so many constables. To get a second one on Blacktip, the population needs to break 150. That’s not happening anytime soon. If ever.

“Bottom line, though, Rafe’s a public servant. It’s illegal for him to strike,” Goby said. “We’ve ordered him back to work. We’ve ordered him to arrest himself. He won’t do either. We’d love to send a second constable over, but our hands are tied.”

While many island property owners back the idea of a second constable, few are happy with Marquette’s tactics.

“We’re an isolated island. Vandalism, robbery, invasion, anything could happen,” longtime resident Frank Maples said. “Now, nothing’s happened yet, but who knows what could have if not for a strong police presence.

Other residents are less concerned.

“Rafe’s been on strike three days now, and I don’t think anyone’s noticed,” resident Polly Parrett said. “Blacktip’s a place you leave the keys in your car and your house unlocked. We usually don’t need even one constable.

“I mean, last week Dermott nicked my Jeep from the Last Ballyhoo after closing Saturday, but it wasn’t a worry,” Parrett said. “I just nicked it back the next morning. The biggest issue was dragging him out of the driver’s seat, what with him out cold.”

Local business owners disagreed.

“James Conlee wrote a bad check for his bar tab, and Rafe wouldn’t so much as lift a finger,” said Sand Spit Bar manager Cori Anders. “He’s not on strike. He’s not even in a union. He’s just pouting in that air-conditioned police station of his.

“Our bottom line, so long as Rafe says he’s on strike, so’s his free beer,’ Anders said. “And with it being just him, it’s really more a picket point than a picket line, isn’t it?”

Marquette remained resolved.

“This is exactly the indifference I’m challenging,” Marquette said. “I’ve drawn my point in the sand, and I won’t be moved.”

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September 18, 2015 · 7:24 am

Blacktip Island Tourist Harvest Slated For Saturday

Blacktip Island residents will get to strip cash from running tourists Saturday as part of the Caribbean island’s annual Equinox Fest, celebrating the autumnal equinox.

Blacktip Island residents will get to strip cash from running tourists Saturday as part of the Caribbean island’s annual Equinox Fest, celebrating the autumnal equinox.

Blacktip Island’s annual Equinox Fest will kick off Saturday morning at Diddley’s Landing public pier. The traditional harvest festival, sponsored by the island’s Zoroastrian Council, marks the day when sunlight and darkness are of equal length.

“Astrologically, the equinox isn’t until the 23rd,” said Zoroastrian Council president Autumn Zenith, “but when you factor in the refracted pre-dawn and post-dusk light, the exact balance falls on the 19th.

“Plus, having the Fest on a Saturday lets everyone get in on the action,” Zenith said.

The event will feature food, drink and games celebrating the balance of light and darkness.

“We’ve scheduled tightrope walkers, a chess tournament, unicycle races and meditation contests,” Zenith said. “We’ll also have swings and see-saws for the kids. And of course there’ll be the rum tents serving local light and dark rums.”

The highlight of the festival, as always, will be the Harvesting of the Tourists.

“Like Oktoberfest, this festival dates back centuries,” Agriculture Ministry spokesperson Pomona Ceres said. “This is the time of year Blacktippers used to sell their harvests. With the rise of tourism, though, we learned to harvest cash directly from island visitors.”

For the Harvesting, guests cover themselves in $1 bills and run down the island’s street in full scuba gear while locals snatch money off of them.

“Participation’s 100 percent volunteer, and most tourists are delighted to participate,” Ceres said. “We provide them all with free rum before the run and free t-shirts after. The rum’s the clincher, I suspect.

“We also have a separate children’s Harvest, with some of our heavier guests shuffling along slow enough for the kids to grab some cash,” Ceres added. “It’s often the big-money event, given the size of some of our island’s scuba diving visitors and how many dollar bills it takes to cover them.”

“The Harvesting can get brutal,” island divemaster Hugh Calloway said. “Last year a guy tripped on his fins and face planted. People were on him like ducks on a June bug. They snagged his cash, his shorts, this Rolex, everything.”

The Island Psychiatric Association will offer free mental health screenings throughout the festival.

“There are more unbalanced people per capita on this island than anywhere in the world,” I.P.A. president Elysia Fromm said. “And doling out free rum is throwing petrol on a bonfire.

“It’s job security for association members, though, so we do try to celebrate balance in our own way,” Fromm said. “And we’re not about to miss out on grabbing free cash.”

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September 11, 2015 · 7:37 am

Stolen Scuba Gadgets Have Blacktip Island Cops Baffled

Blacktip Island scuba divers have been hit with a spate of daring mid-dive robberies while enjoying the Caribbean island’s reefs.

Blacktip Island scuba divers have been hit with a spate of daring mid-dive robberies while enjoying the Caribbean island’s reefs.

Blacktip Island authorities are currently investigating a string of thefts from scuba diving guests on the small Caribbean island.

“We’d normally classify this as a prank since all the missing gear is essentially useless,” Island Police Constable Rafe Marquette said. “Underwater noisemakers, ankle weights, aluminum pointer sticks. Even a set of nitrox dive tables.

“But they’re being stolen in broad daylight,” Marquette said. “That speaks to a certain audacity on the part of the thief. This morning a gentleman had a tank banger stolen mid-dive, and there’s evidence a knife was used. That’s assault.”

Blacktip Island business leaders are especially concerned.

“We have to nip this nonsense in the bud before divers start cancelling their trips,” Eagle Ray Cove resort owner Rich Skerritt said. “I don’t care how silly the gizmos are, people have a right to dive with them. And our dive shop’s sold out of tank bangers.”

Speculation about the culprit is rampant.

“It’s got to be a local with an ax to grind,” Sandy Bottoms’ Beach Resort general manager Kay Valve said. “This island’s chock-full of crazies. It could be anyone, really.

“My money’s on a rogue divemaster,” Valve said. “These are the gadgets that drive DMs bug-nutty.”

Some guests, however, suspect a commercial motive.

“The resorts are making a fortune off this business,” said Eagle Ray Cove dive guest Buddy Brunnez. “When my fish ID slates disappeared, first thing I did was buy another set. Then they got swiped. I’ve bought three sets this week. And my wife’s on her fourth dry snorkel.”

The island’s dive staffs are less concerned.

“Whoever’s kyping the stuff is doing a public service,” Eagle Ray Divers divemaster Marina DeLow said. “She – or he – deserves a medal.

“All the Inspector Gadget crap people strap to themselves is a pain on the boat and a pain during dives. We’re having a bonfire party tonight to show our support.”

Police are warning divers to remain vigilant.

“This is our biggest crime spree since the bar tunnel-in of 2009,” Marquette said. “We’re dealing with an armed, potentially unstable individual here.”

Dive guests are taking the constable’s warning to heart.

“I’m sleeping with my Crocodile Dundee dive knife under my pillow,” Brunnez said. “No way some joker’s getting that. And my wife’s wearing her split fins to bed every night, too. Just to be safe.”

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September 4, 2015 · 7:04 am

Gluten-Free Communion Divides Blacktip Island Church

The Our Lady of Blacktip cathedral will conduct gluten-free Communion ceremonies after multiple gluten-related mishaps in the church.

The Our Lady of Blacktip cathedral will conduct gluten-free Communion ceremonies after multiple gluten-related mishaps in the church.

Faced with a growing number of gluten-intolerant parishioners, the Our Lady of Blacktip cathedral will conduct gluten-free Communions beginning Sunday morning.

The move breaks with Church tradition requiring the sacrament’s consecrated bread to contain enough wheat to still be bread.

“It was either this or stop administering the Eucharist,” said Our Lady of Blacktip’s Father Luther Augustine. “A quarter of our parishioners can’t even sniff gluten, and the numbers are climbing. There was a real worry we could cause suffering in all seven of our congregants.

“We thought transubstantiation would expunge the gluten from the host,” Augustine said. “But after little Sally Bottoms’ last bout of explosive diarrhea in the sacristy, well, that shook our faith to the core.”

The new gluten-free hosts are made from coconut flour and ground conch.

“We looked into cauliflower flour hosts, but they had to be imported,” Augustine said. “The coconut hosts we can source locally, and our hope is the conch bits draw a few more people into church.”

Reaction among parishioners has been positive.

“If I get sick from the bread, then the bread didn’t really become the body of Christ, did it?” parishioner Alison Diesel said. “And if that’s so, then the Communion’s not sticking anyway.”

Others were less enthusiastic.

“It’s a slippery slope, screwing with the tradition,” Dermott Bottoms said. “The new wafers taste like conch fritters and all, but the bishop said they won’t do. And some folks are allergic to shellfish, you know.”

Augustine was quick to ease his parishioners’ worries.

“Sure, the Vatican told us ‘no,’” Augustine said. “That’s why we switched from Roman Catholic to the Caribbean Orthodox Church. Anything goes with that crowd. And Blacktip’s a tiny Caribbean island. You can’t eat fish, you wouldn’t be here.”

The issue has sparked an unexpected debate among Blacktip Island’s theologians.

“The whole transubstantiation business’s pure Aristotelian pseudophilosophy,” said the former-Reverend Jerrod Ephesians. “We’re talking angels on the head of a pin stuff here. The fritter’s not capacious for the infinite, to paraphrase Calvin. John Calvin, not the cartoon kid.”

Augustine brushed such controversy aside.

“Spiritually, our mission’s to be as inclusive as possible,” Augustine said. “We have to reach out to everyone on the island. Future services will also be lactose free and dolphin safe.”

Most churchgoers backed the changes.

“Dermott’s the only one carping, and he’s just hacked off they might switch from wine to grape juice,” Diesel said. “God is love. And if Jesus were sitting beside me, he’d love for me not to get the squirts in church.”

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August 28, 2015 · 8:34 am

Blacktip Island Wranglers Prep For Feral Cat Roundup

Blacktip Island officials are concerned a rise in feral cat numbers on the Caribbean island will devastate native wildlife and cause a health crisis. (photo courtesy Brisbane City Council)

Blacktip Island officials are concerned a rise in feral cat numbers on the Caribbean island will devastate native wildlife and cause a health crisis. (photo courtesy Brisbane City Council)

A spike in Blacktip Island’s feral cat population has prompted the Blacktip Theosophy Society’s Feral Cat Roundup this weekend to capture and neuter as many of the Caribbean island’s wild cats as possible.

“It’s an ad hoc sort of thing, dependent on cat population estimates,” said event organizer and society president Clete Horn. “They kill our native wildlife, and with so many cats, it’s a ticking time bomb public health-wise.

“The potential for hazardous people-feline interaction is off the charts,” Horn said. “There’s already been a couple cases of cat-scratch fever, and at least one divemaster’s been diagnosed with worms. Plus, the damn things keep peeing on my back porch.”

The two-day roundup requires all roped cats be neutered and released.

“A while back we people loose with .22 rifles and let ‘em pop as many cats as they could,” Horn said. “A month later we were eat up with rats.

“The roundup’s a way to balance out the cat and rat populations,” Horn said. “It’s an algorithm we’ve worked out based on how the Balinese rotate their rice crops to keep their rat population in check. It’s counterintuitive, but it works.”

“It’s like herding kittens, except they’re bigger and faster,” Theosophy Society wrangler Marina DeLow said. “And mean.”

“Beaters go through the brush whacking sticks to chase the cats into the corrals,” DeLow said. “We use fishing line for lassoes, and reinforced landing nets for the wily ones.”

Some island residents oppose the roundup.

“These cats are part of the ecosystem and have as much right to be here as anyone else,” local Protesting Inhumane Treatment of Animals president Harry Pickett said. “They need to be embraced, not roped and hog tied and snipped.”

Most islanders, though, are looking forward to the event.

“It’s adventure, it’s excitement and it rids us of pests,” resident Ginger Bass said. “If that’s not good, family entertainment, I don’t know what is. And the kids get to practice their lariat skills with some of the smaller cats.”

The weekend will also feature a greased-kitten chase for children as well as food stalls and craft booths with roundup-related products such as lassoes, heavy-duty gloves and landing nets. Prizes will be awarded for biggest cat captured and for the most cats captured.

The roundup concludes with Sunday afternoon’s Miss Kitty contest.

The island’s public health department is advising all participants and spectators to update their rabies vaccinations.

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August 21, 2015 · 7:24 am

Blacktip Island Mayoral Race Raises Immigration Ugliness

Blacktip Islanders gathered for an island hall meeting Thursday evening to discuss issues in the Caribbean island’s upcoming mayoral election.

Blacktip Islanders gathered for an island hall meeting Thursday evening to discuss issues in the Caribbean island’s upcoming mayoral election.

Blacktip Island’s mayoral race thrust immigration reform to the forefront of island politics Thursday after former mayor Jack Cobia demanded the immediate deportation of half the foreign workers on the Caribbean island.

Cobia is hoping to unseat first-term mayor Neville Crab.

“We got lots of good people on this island just begging for work,” Cobia said. “There’s way too many scuba hippies doing jobs locals could be doing. Chuck out the foreigners, problem solved. The current administration’s silence on this speaks volumes.”

Island politicos call Cobia’s plan an electoral Hail Mary.

“Jack’s trailing badly in the polls, so he’s built a straw man to compensate,” government watchdog Wade Soote said. “Sure, jobs are scarce on Blacktip, but so are people. Anyone able to keep a job has one.

“And the current mayor’s silent because he’s a bloody hermit crab,” Soote added. That’s why we elected him. He says nothing and does nothing. Best mayor we’ve ever had.”

Cobia’s rhetoric, though, has struck a chord with some locals.

“Every job that goes to some off islander means one of us’s going without,” laborer Dermott Bottoms said. “Ship five of them out, five of us got jobs.”

“It’s getting too crowded here,” local James Conlee said. “I pass people on the road all the time now. That never used to happen, you know. Most of them’re expats.”

But not all voters agreed.

“Dermott and his pals complain, but none of them’ve ever been able to hold a job for more than a week,” Eagle Ray Cove resort owner Rich Skerritt said. “Their issue’s not lack of work, it’s lack of beer money.”

With immigration reform talk driving his poll numbers higher, Cobia has upped his effort in recent days.

“All the foreign workers are concentrated around the resorts on the west coast,” Cobia said. “We’re gonna put up a barbed-wire fence to keep them off the rest of the island.”

Cobia declined to disclose how he plans to finance the proposed fence or where he would acquire barbed wire on Blacktip Island.

“There’s plenty of backers, I guarantee,” Cobia said. “And willing workers. That’s all I’m gonna say about that.”

Despite Cobia’s recent rise in the polls, experts doubt it will be enough to carry the election in the fall.

“There’s only five registered voters on Blacktip Island,” Soote said. “And three of them are in jail on drunk-and-disorderly charges.”

Cobia, meanwhile, remains upbeat.

“Even if I don’t get elected, at least I got people talking about important issues,” he said.

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August 14, 2015 · 8:01 am

World War Two Aircraft Found On Blacktip Island Reef

Divemaster Alison Diesel investigates airplane wreckage from the World War Two Battle of the Blacktip Sea.

Divemaster Alison Diesel investigates airplane wreckage from the World War Two Battle of the Blacktip Sea.

Divemasters scuba diving off Blacktip Island’s rugged east coast Wednesday discovered the wreckage of an airplane believed downed in the World War Two Battle of the Blacktip Sea.

“We was looking at a stingray when we seen the wings and undercarriage,” Eagle Ray Cove divemaster Lee Helm said. “We brushed the rubbish off and there was the Tiperon Air Corp’s roundel, plain as my hand.”

“Those storms last week blasted out all kinds of sand, I guess,” said divemaster Alison Diesel. “I mean, we’d dove there before and never seen anything but fish and coral.”

The wreckage matches photos of the island’s Piper Cub mail plane shot down as it delivered the fatal blow to the invading Axis flagship.

“The Battle of the Blacktip Sea was minor, but decisive,” said island historian Smithson Altschul. “The Italians hoped to gain a foothold in Cuba. All that stood in their way was Blacktip Island and the Tiperon navy’s light frigate Frigate. It was outgunned and outnumbered by the Italian pocket destroyers Fianchetto and Giuoco Piano.

“Islanders loaded the mail plane with Molotov cocktails made from grain alcohol and rum bottles,” Altschul said. “The last bomb dropped took out the Fianchetto’s bridge just as the Piper got hit.”

“Mama seen it,” Dermott Bottoms said. “Said folks thought it was a fireworks show ‘til they heard hollering in Italian. After, any enemy sailors swam to shore, folks whacked ‘em with conchs and stuffed ‘em in the turtle kraal.”

The Tiperon government has declared the area around the wreckage a heritage site and banned scuba diving to discourage souvenir collectors. Local dive entrepreneurs Sandy Bottoms and Rich Skerritt, however, are lobbying to turn the site into a pay-per-dive scuba park with interpretive tours.

“This is our heritage,” Skerritt said. “We got a right to access. Got Battle Diver specialty courses lined up, you know. In English and Italian. The fees’ll raise money for more exploration. And other things.”

Island officials, meanwhile, commemorated the find by declaring a new public holiday.

“August was the only month without a bank holiday,” island mayor Jack Cobia said. “It screamed for one. Hell, April has two holidays. This first-ever Battle Day’ll be a blast!”

Holiday festivities are works in progress, organized by local residents.

“Gonna start with a round-robin Boobies and Frigates tournament with lawn darts out back of the Last Ballyhoo,” said local James Conlee. “There’s free beer for all team members, and a free kamikaze shot if you get hit.”

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August 7, 2015 · 6:01 am

Red Herrings Invade Blacktip Island Reefs

Non-native red herrings have overwhelmed Blacktip Island in recent months, confounding scuba divers and angering residents.

Non-native red herrings have overwhelmed Blacktip Island in recent months, confounding scuba divers and angering residents.

Blacktip Island residents are scrambling to combat invasive red herrings causing dangerous levels of confusion on the Caribbean island’s reefs.

“No one’s sure how they got here,” Eagle Ray Divers operations manager Ger Latner said Thursday. “Where’s stuff like this ever come from? Our guess, they got dragged here, either unintentionally in a boat’s bilge, or on purpose by some yahoo.

“Either way, they’ve got to go,” Latner said. “They’re gobbling up our native species and wearing out our divemasters.”

Other scuba professionals are concerned about the threat the herrings pose to scuba diving guests.

“They’re beautiful and all, but they get our divers into some pretty gnarly jams,” Club Scuba Doo dive manager Finn Kiick said. “They shimmy and flash and you chase after them. Then they head for deeper water. We got guests going into deco left and right.

“There’s way more divers getting lost, too,” Kiick said. “They zone out following some bogus fish across the reef, and bang-o, next thing they know they’re three dive sites over. And out of air.”

After attempts to cull the herrings proved futile, government officials have shifted tactics to control their damage.

“For whatever reason, red herrings seem to thrive on this little island,” Marine Parks spokesperson Basil Kipper said. “We tried leading them into nets, but they wouldn’t follow, and quick as we would spear one, two more would take its place.

“Currently we’re urging divers to simply ignore them and hope they go away,” Kipper said. “Really, they’re only dangerous if one pays attention to them. The herrings, not the divers.”

Island leaders are demanding more proactive measures.

“These things are destroying our tourism product,” Eagle Ray Cove resort owner Rich Skerritt said. “All this talk about these damn fish’s got folks sidetracked from the important issues facing Blacktip. Just spear ‘em all, pronto, and restore diver confidence so we can refocus on extending our airstrip and expanding our resorts.”

Other residents are taking a more inclusive approach to the pests.

“We serve up red herrings at just about every meal,” said Blacktip Haven resort owner Elena Havens. “Like it or not, they’re part of our island’s ecosystem. We tell our guests ‘accept them, embrace them, then eat them.’

“We’re all red herrings at heart, when you think about it,” Havens said.

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July 31, 2015 · 5:57 am

Blacktip Literati Retool Island’s Literary Festival

Blacktip Island Literary Festival organizers are urging attendees to read books, not fling them, at this year’s event.

Blacktip Island Literary Festival organizers are urging attendees to read books, not fling them, at this year’s event.

Writers, poets and playwrights will converge on Blacktip Island’s Heritage House Saturday for what organizers hope will be a violence-free second annual Blacktip Island Literary Festival.

“We’ve doubled our presence and are confident there’ll be none of the mayhem of last year’s litfest,” Island Police Constable Rafe Marquette said. “If the narrative does go off course, the two of us will step in and edit the event.”

Festival participants say outside influences caused the ruckus at last year’s event, sponsored by the Tiperon Writers’ Interdisciplinary Trust and Flor de Caña rum.

“It was the free rum the sponsors doled out that caused the problems,” playwright Jerrod Ephesians said. “People blamed Antonio Fletcher and his pornographic alexandrines, but ‘Tonio was just the catalyst. Well, him and the Baptist Women’s League.

“Between the overturned scooters, the flung hardbound books and the dozen people in the medical clinic, though, it gave the local literary scene a black eye,” Ephesians said. “We’re asking participants and spectators to be on their best behavior this weekend.”

Some auteurs, however, scoffed at that request.

“Can’t no one promise restraint,” poet Antonio Fletcher said. “We’re artists, you know. We’re spontaneous, howling that eternal ‘yes’ at the moon. That’s creativity.”

Festival officials are confident new safeguards will ensure a peaceful festival.

“We’ve a more-structured agenda to emphasize love of literature, writing and reading over hooliganism,” event organizer Doris Blenny said. “We’ll administer breathalyzer tests before each writing workshop, panel discussion and author reading to maintain the festival’s intellectual focus. We’re only allowing paperback books in the venue, as well.

“We’ll have workshops on ‘Using Verbs in Every Sentence’ and ‘How To Write As Concisely As Humanly Possible to Avoid Any Unnecessarily-Wordy Verbiage In Your Prose and Poetry,’” Blenny said. “Panel discussions will include ‘Was Shakespeare Really Jane Austen?’ and ‘Plot: What Is It Good For?’

“To keep order, we’ve also moved the readings to first thing Saturday so people won’t be so sauced,” Blenny said. “Dermott Bottoms’ll kick things off performing his one-act play, Letters From Heineken.”

The festival’s high point will be Saturday evening’s cocktail mixer, featuring a free drink to any attendees who can recite the first paragraph of Ursula K. LeGuin’s The Left Hand Of Darkness. There will also be a belching Derek Walcott’s Omeros contest, with the winner receiving a mini-keg of Guinness stout.

All-writer air band The Smirking Metaphors will provide live music.

“We invited a bunch of literary agents and publishers, too,” Blenny said, “but none of them responded. I think they just want to attend incognito, in case things get hairy again.”

Participants are cautiously optimistic.

“It’s an artistic community,” Ephesians said. “Blacktippers love their literature. But we enjoy drinking rum and fighting, too. It’s a delicate balance.”

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July 24, 2015 · 7:30 am

Blacktip Island Divers Brace For Dockside Security Screenings

Skerritt Security scanning devices line the Eagle Ray Divers dock Friday, ready for scuba divers. Similar scanners have been installed at all Blacktip Island scuba resorts.

Skerritt Security scanning devices line the Eagle Ray Divers dock Friday, ready for scuba divers. Similar scanners have been installed at all Blacktip Island scuba resorts.

Beginning today, Blacktip Island scuba divers will undergo multiple security screenings before boarding dive boats due to threats made against the Caribbean island’s reefs.

“We got credible intel about attacks on the underwater environment,” Public Safety director Ferris Skerritt said. “These attacks are aimed at destroying Blacktip’s tourism industry and could result in the death of recreational divers, as well as untold fish and coral heads.

“We’ve called for, and received, the government’s full support in combating this threat,” Skerritt said.

The Tiperon Islands government has contracted security measures to Skerritt Security.

Local dive professionals dispute the threat’s seriousness.

“One out of context remark, and Barney Fife breaks out the prods and rubber gloves,” Eagle Ray Divers operations manager Ger Latner said. “It’s like last year’s War on Terriers fiasco, where ol’ Ferris rounded up all the island dogs for questioning. On the government dime, of course.”

Island business owners defend the screenings.

“The hell we’re not threatened! By eco-terrorists!” Eagle Ray Divers owner Rich Skerritt said. “A nutcase on one of our boats said, clear as day, he was gonna blow up fish. Then his accomplice referenced an ‘ayatollah.’ That’s a threat, context be damned.”

Witnesses disagreed.

“The dude said, ‘That blowfish was the bomb,’” Eagle Ray Divers divemaster Alison Diesel said. “Then his drunk buddy slurred, ‘I, uh, told you so.’ People on Blacktip don’t make bombs, we get bombed.”

Security experts, however, are taking no chances.

“Each resort now has explosive trace detectors and millimeter wave scanners at the top of their docks,” Ferris Skerritt said. “Then X-ray backscatter machines and hands-on security personnel at each boat. You wont be able to sniff the reef without a thorough going over.”

The measures already have scuba diving guests complaining of overzealous screeners.

“Those chuckleheads groped me places I didn’t know I had,” scuba guest Bubba Gadgette said. “Two of ‘em. Four times! I mean, what could I possibly hide in my Speedo? Now, I enjoyed it and all, but they confiscated my booties for no reason.”

Officials dismissed the complaints.

“Of course it’s intrusive. And expensive,” Ferris Skeritt said. “We can’t take any chances. And the program’s an unqualified success: we’ve had zero attacks since we installed our system.

“We’re also looking at ways to protect the island’s reefs from lone-wolf shore divers,” Skerritt said. “No telling what some radicalized Cousteau-wannabe’s capable of. By God, we’ll scan them on the beaches and frisk them on the ironshore if need be. Cost be damned.”

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