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Yes, We’re Going To A (New Year’s) Party, Party
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Blacktip Island Weather
Sunday, December 24, 2023
Temperature: 81
Humidity: 63%
Precipitation: Not likely
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Blacktip Residents Brace For Duppies Of Christmas Past
Island spirits will haunt Blacktip Island Saturday night as the restless spirits, like this one photographed near Eagle Ray Cove resort last year, seek revenge on residents who have wronged others during the past year. (photo courtesy of Joe)
Blacktip Island residents this week began preparing for the arrival of the Duppies of Christmas Past this Saturday night as part of the annual visit by angry spirits seeking revenge on those who offended them in the past.
“These duppies make sure folks don’t get too fat-and-sassy during the holidays,” B.C. Flote said. “Everybody gets all holly-jolly and forgets about bad things they done the past year. The duppies, they the lost souls who was wronged, coming back to get even with whoever wronged ‘em.
“Generally, they don’t do any physical harm, they just scare the bejeebus out of you,” Flote said. “They always visit on the 23rd, right before Christmas Eve, chasing you down the road or howling outside your window to get even, remind folks Christmas isn’t all silver balls and candy canes.”
Island residents take the visits seriously.
“B.C.’s wrong, saying the duppies can’t hurt you,” Fanny Basslet said. “These aren’t just ghosts. They got real, physical substance. One smacked Leen Helm upside the head last year, just because. Big, ol’ shadow, like the three-legged dog, setting right outside the Ballyhoo bar, waiting on him to come out, and BAM.
“Lee had it coming, tough,” Basslet said. “He’s had God-awful luck since then, too, so there’s lasting damage the Christmas duppies can do. Dogs’re usually the first to notice ‘em. Dogs start howling out of the blue, you know a duppy’s nearby, and you best throw sticks behind you and run for cover.”
Others disagreed.
“Them dogs howling is the duppies,” Whitey Bottoms said. “Can’t come in your house, ‘specially if you sprinkle rice around it, but they can keep you up all night with their carrying on.”
Some residents choose to appease the spirits.
“Duppies, they do like rum,” Christina Goby said. “Me, I leave a big glass of Flor de Cana on the front and back stoops, and sleep peaceful all night. Then, in the morning, the rum’s all gone. All us old timers do that. It’s like leaving cookies out for Santa, but different.
“Newcomers laugh and call it superstitious, but if the duppies aren’t drinking the rum, who is?” Goby said. “And how come it’s quiet all night after I set out the rum? And nothing bad happens to me for the next year. Just show the duppies some respect, and they’ll be on your side. Criticize all you want, but it’s a system that works.”
In related news, island authorities say they’re preparing for the annual spike in public intoxication arrests the morning of the 24th.
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Blacktip Island Weather
Sunday, December 17, 2023
Temperature: 83
Humidity: 64%
Precipitation: Could be
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Blacktip Island Weather
Sunday, December 10, 2023
Temperature: 84
Humidity: 68%
Precipitation: Nooope
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Blacktip Island Researchers Gene-Splice People And Fish
Blacktip Island scientists are experimenting with splicing genes from local slippery dick wrasses into island residents to make swimmers and divers more graceful in the water. (photo courtesy of Brian Gratwicke)
A group of Blacktip Island biology researchers this week announced they have had moderate success splicing reef fish genes with several island residents in an effort to make locals more at home in the water.
“Everyone loves swimming, and scuba diving, but we’re a terrestrial species, so we’re always going to be awkward in the water,” Tiperon University-Blacktip marine biology professor Ernesto Mojarra said. “After our success with external artificial gills last year, we decided to take the next logical step and try our hand at making swimmers and divers more graceful underwater.
“The trick was finding the right species of fish to use in our research,” Mojarra said. “Sharks have a fairly simple makeup, but were a little too basic, and aggressive, for our interests. Nassau groupers have great, human-like personalities but can be too headstrong. In the end we settled on the slippery dick wrasse, Halichoeres bivittatus, due to its grace and docile temperament.”
Many locals praised the idea.
“Potentially, with just minor surgery, this could transform anyone into a real-life mermaid,” Christina Goby said. “You could walk around on land like normal, then glide like a fish through the water. If they can pull this off, it could be life changing for so many of us.”
Others focused on the profitability of the research.
“Forget all the egghead breakthrough-science stuff,” Eagle Ray Cove resort owner Rich Skerritt said. “We’re already outlining new swim-like-a-fish classes and distinctive specialty scuba courses. Folks don’t just jump and swim like fish on their own. They’ll be lining up to try this new sensation, and were already working with Ernesto’s team to organize marketing and branding for them and ERC.”
Others worried about the experiment having unexpected consequences.
“There’s always a Frankenstein’s monster element in these kinds of things,” Chip Pompano said. “So far, the results’ve been innocuous, but fairly underwhelming. The gene splice just made Booger Bottoms smell like a carp. And made Lee Helm even more bug eyed. On the plus side, though, the fish genes did give Alison Diesel a bit more whish in the tail when she walks.”
Some found the procedure confusing.
“I got all excited when I saw what species of fish they were using,” Jack Wrasse said. “Thought they were going for a totally different result. Then reality hit. Don’t know why someone would go through that just to swim better.”
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Blacktip Island Weather
Sunday, December 3, 2023
Temperature: 85
Humidity: 67%
Precipitation: Seriously?
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Sand Luge Course Planned For Blacktip Island
Blacktip Island sports enthusiasts are building sand dunes to create a mile-long sand luge course on the small Caribbean island. (photo courtesy of Daniel Schwen)
Blacktip Island sports officials announced Wednesday their plans to build a luge course out of sand in order to launch what they are calling the world’s newest summer Olympic event on the small Caribbean island.
“Turns out fine, dry sand has about the same drag coefficient as ice,” Blacktip Island Athletic Society president Jay Valve said. “Problem is, Blacktip’s flat as a pancake. That’s why we’re hauling in tons of dirt and sand to create a luge track that’ll equal any ice-based course in the world.
“We’ll coat the sled bottoms with graphite, so they’ll really fly,” Valve said. “So far we’ve done trials with sleds on the beach, pulled by skiffs. We tried racing, but it got ugly when people tried to pass. We’re angling to host the 2028 Olympics, and if we get the bid, this’ll be our addition to the Games, our signature event.”
Local officials praised the project for creating jobs.
“An official luge course is right at a mile long, and has about a four hundred feet of vertical drop,” island de facto mayor Jack Cobia said. “That means all sorts of folks’ll be hired to build it over the course of a year. Also means lots of folks’ll be employed to maintain the course, too. When the sport catches on, this’ll be an international destination. It’ll give Blacktippers a renewed sense of pride.”
Not all residents are happy with the project.
“They’re wreaking havoc on the environment for the sake of a silly, made-up sport,” Christina Goby said. “Blacktip’s a tiny island, with an incredibly fragile ecosystem. This track will destroy all sorts of irreparable habitat. Not to mention the track will have to be rebuilt after every storm. The sand will blow everywhere, and the erosion runoff will choke the reefs.”
Others doubted the event’s feasibility.
“Those ice tracks are fairly solid. Sand piles, not so much,” Fanny Basslet said. “It’ll be hard to get those high, banked curves to hold together with sand. If sand lugers get as much speed as regular lugers, we’re gonna see a bunch of sledders launching themselves into the palm trees. Or the booby pond.”
Valve was undeterred by the criticism.
“This is a can’t-miss opportunity that’ll put Blacktip in the spotlight worldwide,” he said. “We’re already holding tryouts to find the best on-island lugers. Of course, we had to revise the wording on the flyers slightly after that yahoo Booger Bottoms showed up with an old World War I German pistol.”
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The Blacktip Times 