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The Last Waterbender

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Blacktip Island Weather

96

Sunday, April 21, 2024

Temperature: 85

Humidity: 68%

Precipitation: Oh, yeah

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‘Shroud of Booger’ Divides Blacktip Island’s Scientific, Religious Communities

shround of turin

A swath of fabric, showing the front and back of a bearded man, found in a cave high on Blacktip Island’s southern bluff, has sparked controversy on the small Caribbean island (photo courtesy of Sally Port / Tiperon University-Blacktip)

A pair of Blacktip Island residents exploring a cave on the small Caribbean island’s southern bluff Wednesday discovered a long piece of cloth bearing the faint front-and-back image of a bearded man, prompting some on the island to compare it to the famous Shroud of Turin.

“We were poking around in one of those high caves up the bluff face,” Hugh Calloway said. “At first, when we saw the cloth, we gave it a wide berth—no telling what had gone on in it, or when. Then Jessie noticed the face on it, so we took it outside for a better look.

“It looks like one of the Bottoms,” Calloway said. “Truth is, it’s a dead ringer for Booger Bottoms. We’re calling it the Shroud of Booger ‘til someone tells us otherwise.”

“People’s used those caves as shelter during hurricanes for centuries,” fellow explorer Jessie Catahoula said. “The way it was laid out in there, we reckon somebody died way back when, when people couldn’t dig a grave. And now, after all these years, the body either rotted away or animals ate it.”

Local scientists speculated about the shroud’s age.

“From the cloth thickness and weave, this could very well be from the early 1700s,” island historian Smithson Altschul said. “That would date it to the island’s earliest settlers. The height and facial hair suggest a seafaring individual. The trick now is to find out who it is. Was. Radio-carbon dating’ll tell us for sure.”

Others disagreed.

“That’s a modern sheet, from the 20th Century,” Sally Port, chair of the Tiperon University-Blacktip history department, said. “Got one just like on my bed, down to the Wal-Mart label. Still, we’re doing DNA testing of it and the island’s residents to see what the connection is.”

Some in the island’s religious community say the cloth should be enshrined.

“Too similar to the Turin shroud to be a coincidence,” Our Lady of Blacktip’s Father Audley Crossblesser said. “It’s not Jesus—we know where that one is. But this could well be the shroud of one of his Apostles. Ten are accounted for, but no one knows what happened to James the Lesser or Simon the Zealot. In running from the Romans, one of them could have sailed here. This is a holy relic and needs to be preserved in the church.”

Island authorities were skeptical.

“With those modern features and cloth, my guess is Booger Bottoms dried himself off up there and left the sheet behind,” Island Police Constable Rafe Marquette said. “Most likely he was down there poaching lobster—as he’s wont to do—he saw me coming and high tailed it to that cave to hide. That’s where I’m starting my investigation, anyway.

Bottoms could not be reached for comment. Eagle Ray Cove resort announced plans for an interactive Shroud museum to attract island visitors.

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Hangin’ With The Big Boys

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Blacktip Island Weather

97

Sunday, April 14, 2024

Temperature: 83

Humidity: 71%

Precipitation: Bet on it

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Blacktip Island Weather

96

Sunday, April 7, 2024

Temperature: 85

Humidity: 68%

Precipitation: Leave the rain jacket at home

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Just Chillin’

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Blacktip Island Weather

95

Sunday, March 31, 2024

Temperature: 84

Humidity: 66%

Precipitation: Incoming

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Blacktip Island Theosophy Society Plans Easter Séance

easter seance

The Blacktip Island Theosophy Society’s Ouija board will be the center of attention early Sunday morning, when participants will attempt to bring one of the island’s early leaders back from the dead. (photo courtesy of Jerrod Ephesians/the Blacktip Island Theosophy Society)

The Blacktip Island Theosophy Society will host an Easter séance to call back from the dead one of the small Caribbean island’s earliest settlers with the goal of reconnecting to the community’s founding values.

“We’ve gotten so disconnected from Blacktip’s original principles,” the former reverend Jerrod Ephesians, head of the island’s Ecumenical Council, said. “There’s less and less binding us together as a community. People work, drink, then pass out with so little sense of purpose.

“That’s where bringing Lumpy Bottoms back comes in.” Ephesians said. “Lumpy was one of Blacktip’s original settlers back in 17-whatever, and the patriarch of the Bottoms clan. With his guidance the island population prospered and grew. We have no idea what that guidance was, so we thought we’d ask.”

Island historians agreed.

“Lumpy was our first mayor,” Leigh Shore said. “This is the perfect opportunity to reconnect with that old-time way of life. We’ll get suggestions on what we need to do to regain the heart and soul of our community straight from the horse’s mouth, so to speak.

“We’ll gather at midnight Easter morning when the vibes are strongest and settle in around the Ouija board,” Shore said. “The board’s fairly small, so only a few people will actually be touching the planchette, but we’re setting up extra chairs for spectators—all are welcome—and they can touch us. Then there’ll be plenty of time to go to the Easter sunrise service down the road, for those so inclined.”

Blacktip’s religious community denounced the plan.

“This sort of pagan quackery is totally inappropriate, especially on Easter,” the Reverend Pierre Grunt of the Blacktip Island Interdenominational Church said. “We’re talking about one of the most revered days on the Christian calendar being undermined by mumbo-jumbo that chips away at peoples’ faith. What’s next, a hunt for liquor-filled Easter eggs in the church? Jerrod’s lot may find this humorous, but some of us find it deeply offensive.”

Ephesians challenged that criticism.

“Pierre needs to chill. We’re doing this at midnight so it won’t interfere with Easter services,” he said. “Easter’s a powerful day, with all sorts of spiritual, psychic energy flowing. This is our best window to bring Lumpy back.

“And we’re making that energy accessible to everyone, not just church-goers,” Ephesians said. “Non-Christians often feel left out on holidays like this. It’s a positive thing, aimed at benefitting the entire community. It’s not like we’re calling back Jack the Ripper or Stalin.”

The séance will take place in the Theosophy Society’s great room. Participants are encouraged to arrive early and to dress warmly.

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Made it to Dolphin Day

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