Accusations of communism among Blacktip Island mayoral candidates have cast a specter over the small Caribbean island’s upcoming elections. (illustration by Wendy Beaufort / BTT staff)
The upcoming Blacktip Island mayoral election turned nasty this week when multiple candidates accused their opponents of being various combinations of communists, socialists and fascists.
“Started with Rocky Shore calling me a communist and a socialist,” incumbent mayor Jack Cobia said. “Then Christina Mojarra said I was a communist and a fascist. Next thing I knew Sally Port was calling me all three. Hell, I can’t even spell ‘fascist.’
“Folks know me—I’m a laissez-faire sort of mayor, » Cobia said. “Everybody gets along and I don’t have to do too much. Folks respect that. And it makes for friendlier happy hours. Rocky’s the communist and socialist. This proves it.”
Cobia’s opponents disagreed.
“Jack’s talk of everybody just getting along shows he’s all about mob rule,” Christina Mojarra said. “If that’s not communism, I don’t know what is. And his wanting people to always do things his way, that’s straight-up fascism. That’s not what Blacktip Island’s about.
“Look, I’m no socialist,” Mojarra said. “I just want Public Works to put up new stop signs, and fix the potholes. If that gets Rocky overheated, well, so be it. Thing is, though, Rocky and Sally are communist-fascists, too. It’s like an epidemic.”
Shore, the island’s public works chief, refuted those accusations.
“I’m not a communist, but Christina and Jack sure are,” he said. “Jack can’t fool us with his talk of laissez-whatsit. That’s just another word for communism, invented by the foreigners who cooked up the idea. All my opponents are communists, and socialists to boot, but I’m onto ‘em. Not fixing potholes don’t make me fascist. Blacktip voters’re smart enough to see that and vote accordingly.”
Sally Port brushed aside the criticism.
“I actually am a communist,” she said. “The Jacobin-Marxist model of the Paris Commune is ideal for Blacktip. It would give the island’s working people access to the reins of power and guarantee affordable housing for everyone. And we’re already self-policing. But I’m not a fascist or a socialist. The other candidates are all communist-socialist-fascists and are just trying to muddy the water. If people vote for them, well, they deserve what they’ll get.”
Island voters were surprised by the accusations.
“Dunno why all this nastiness popped up all of a sudden,” Dermott Bottoms said. “Known Jack and Sally and Rocky and ‘Stina for years. All good people. Don’t agree with any of them, though, so makes sense they’re all communists and socialists. I’ll get back to you on if they’re fascists or not.”
Local political experts were confused by the developments.
“Frankly, I’m hoping someone can explain it all to me,” Tiperon University-Blacktip political science professor Karl Engels said. “All these labels are being used interchangeably, and no one’s defining their terms. I’ve seen no indication anyone wants the government to take over the means of production or the means of distribution. On Blacktip most days, the government’s lucky to find its butt with both hands.”
The fifth mayoral candidate, former island mayor Leonard the hermit crab, has made no statement concerning his political positions.