Tag Archives: covid in the Caribbean

Blacktip Island’s ‘Quarantine House’ Becomes A Reality Show

quarantine house

Residents confined to Blacktip Island’s quarantine facility are the subjects of a new pay-per-view reality show. (photo courtesy of Wendy Beaufort)

The daily interaction among residents confined to Blacktip Island’s communal COVID quarantine facility this week was put online as a pay-per-view reality drama in an effort to defray Health Authority expenses for the residents’ lodging and testing, island medical authorities said.

“We need everybody who tests positive in one house so we know where they are, and to make testing easier,” island nurse Marissa Graysby said. “This way we have the outbreak contained in one building. Problem is, housing, food and testing all cost money we’re not budgeted for. And if we have to quarantine all these people, we might as well get some entertainment out of it.

“People love reality TV, so we put cameras and mics in all the rooms, and people can subscribe to watch the goings-on,” Graysby said. “There were privacy issues, sure, but we have everyone quarantined sign waivers. Everybody on this little rock’s a voyeur at heart, and viewer numbers skyrocketed. At this rate, we might even raise enough money for improvements to the clinic.”

Island residents say the show’s format makes for compelling viewing.

“It’s not scripted like other reality shows, so there’s literally no way to know what’ll happen from moment to moment,” Ernesto Mojarra said. “All those crazy personalities trapped together in the same house is entertainment gold.

“There’s already betting lines on how long each person’ll last before they have to get moved to solitary,” Mojarra said. “I mean, I give it three days, tops, before somebody punks Lee Helm. And James Conlee’ll clog the toilets any day now and shut the whole thing down.”

Others focused on how the fabricated challenges posed for the quanantiners heighten the drama.

“Alison Diesel tore the crap out of the place apart looking for the TV remote batteries,” Marina DeLow said. “And watching Finn Kiick try to open cans of food with random hand tools before he found the can opener was a hoot. The surprise power and water outages amp things up, too. I’m gonna double-mask, sneak over there and chuck a grass snake through the window and watch the fireworks.

“Marissa’s also reducing the amount of alcohol the inmates get each day,” DeLow said. “That’ll hit critical mass sooner rather than later. Dermott’ll go bat-shit berserk when the rum runs out. It’s kind of like watching a modern version of Buñuel’s ‘Exterminating Angel’ in real time, but with people you know.”
Barring any quarantiners developing serious symptoms, Graysby said she will focus on the facility’s entertainment aspects.

“We’re working on ways to attract more, international viewers,” she said. “Tonight we’ll have Alexa play non-stop Bananarama full blast, with no way to turn the sound down or off. We also have a can’t-turn-it-down-or-off Sex and the City marathon cued up. It’ll be a miracle if anyone comes out in one piece. It’s addictive viewing, and we have multiple mental health counselors standing by for when people get out.”

House residents were not available for comment, though many have complained their test results were false positives.

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Blacktip Island Quarantiners Create Zoom Jigsaw Sessions

quarantine jigsaw

Blacktip Island residents home-quarantined due to positive COVID tests have banded together to do identical beer-label jigsaw puzzles in online group sessions. (photo courtesy of Wendy Beaufort)

Blacktip Island residents trapped in home quarantine this week created an online forum to simultaneously complete a communal jigsaw puzzle in real time, forum organizers said.

“There’s a shipload of Blacktippers testing positive for COVID, symptoms or no,” Kay Valve said. “We’re all stuck in our houses for two weeks, bored out of our minds and looking for something—anything—to do. Wendy Beaufort mentioned doing jigsaw puzzles, and the lightbulb went off. We may be isolated, but we can still do things together.

“Peachy at the store had a stack of identical ‘beers of the world’ jigsaw puzzles she got shipped by mistake, so she donated one to each person who’s been quarantined,” Valve said. “It’s been a sanity saver. And what’s more appropriate on Blacktip than a beer puzzle? We can all sort out puzzle pieces while we drink beer. What else are we going to do?”

Group members praised the sense of connectivity puzzling brings.

“We were all going bug-nutty trapped alone at home,” Jack Wrasse said. “The group started with Kay and Wendy on a Facetime call, then, when they realized how many people were quarantined, Kay created a Zoom room where we could all work on the same puzzle at the same time. Mentally, that’s huge.

“It’s not the same as being together in person, but at least there’s interaction,” Cobia said. “It creates a sense of community while we’re all stuck inside.”

Some noted a competitive turn to the puzzle solving.

“It started as a social thing, sure, but cooped-up folks can get belligerent,” Gage Hoase said. “Especially with their nerves on edge thinking they might have The Vid. Started with Sally Port and Lee helm racing to see who could put together the Heineken label first. Next thing we knew there were six, seven people all trying to get it first.

“We had to end the call once obscenities started flying in four different languages,” Hoase said. “There’s still puzzlers in the group who won’t talk to each other. And Lee’s set a real Heineken bottle on his puzzle table, just to rub it in.”

Others praised the competition.

“It lifts peoples’ spirits, the arguing and the oneupsmanship,” Stoney MacAdam said. “There’s no real violence or hard feelings, just a bunch of jawing. So far. And there’s usually multiple beers on the line for each puzzle piece, so it gets pretty heated.”

Island authorities encouraged the sessions.

“It keeps people occupied and in their homes, when, before, they might have been tempted to break quarantine,” public-health nurse Marissa Graysby said. “Also, when they’re in the Zoom room, I know right where they are. Anybody goes missing, I call the constable straight away.

“The big worry now is Peachy’s store’ll run out of beer,” Graysby said. “Beer consumption’s gone up 15, 20 percent in the last week, and if folks run out of beer, they’re likely to go roaming the island looking for more and start an uncontrolled virus outbreak.”

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Blacktip Island Scuba Operation Touts Underwater COVID Cure

swim platform

Club Scuba Doo dive manager Finn Kiick claims his mix of exotic breathing gas and deep dives has eradicated the COVID19 virus on the small Caribbean island. (photo courtesy of Rusty Goby)

A Blacktip Island scuba company Wednesday began administering what it calls prophylactic COVID19 treatments to island residents via compressed gas combined with hyperbaric activity.

“We use a special breathing mix that zaps the virus,” Club Scuba Doo dive manager Finn Kiick said. “Then we take you down to around 120 feet, and the pressure squeezes what’s left of it out of your body.

“We charge extra for the charter, but it’s well worth it,” Kiick said. “University tests prove this works, and so far we have a 100 percent success rate.”

Some in the island’s scientific community disputed Kiick’s claims.

“There’s no test from any university in the world that supports Finn’s snake-oil treatment,” said Tiperon University-Blacktip biology chair Ernesto Mojarra. “He’s giving people who-knows-what to breathe, then taking them down deeper than he’d ever take a dive guest. He’s going to get people hurt. Or worse.”

Other contested Kiick’s success rate.

“He’s claiming a perfect cure rate after he’s tried his boondoggle on what, four, five people?” Elena Havens said. “That’s an awfully small sampling. Oh, and no one on Blacktip’s tested positive for the virus. Pretty easy to claim success when there’s no virus on the island to begin with. It’s like me saying snapping my fingers keeps tigers away.”

Kiick defended his claims

“Elena’s right: there is no virus on Blacktip,” he said. “That just proves the treatment works. We’re keeping the island virus free. And there’s been no complaints, so that says we’re doing something right.”

Most treatment recipients were pleased with the results.

“I could feel the gas working right away,” Rusty Goby said. “A couple of breaths and I got all lightheaded. Then Finn took me down deep and all the colors brightened and swirled and held me close. I could feel the dead virus oozing out of my pores. Or something oozing out, anyway.

“And I’ve felt great ever since,” Goby said. “I went back for three more treatments, just like Finn prescribed. Whatever’s in that breathing mix really works. I may make it a weekly thing.”

Others questioned the treatment efficacy.

“Finn talks about the gas mix being a trade secret, but I think he just shoots a little flavored oxygen in the nitrox,” Alison Diesel said. “Then he charges triple the rack rate for a one-tank dive. I mean, I was goofed and all, but I can’t say I feel any different than before. Except I have weird dreams now. And that was after just one session.”

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