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April 21, 2023 · 8:27 am

Blacktip Island Judge Codifies Right To Be Rude

Blacktip Island judge Harry Bottoms approved a new law protecting residents right to be rude to each other. (photo illustration courtesy of Blogtrepreneur)

A Blacktip Island magistrate Thursday approved controversial legislation guaranteeing island residents the right to be publicly rude to each other, making certain minor public disturbances legal.

“It’s about time this passed,” Alison Diesel said. “Friday, Saturday nights, any little comment’ll set somebody off, then Rafe Marquette has to haul them to jail for some rando verbal dust-up. Same at the store, when folks get banned for complaining about the prices. Now, we can bitch about all kinds of little things with no legal blow back.

“Blacktippers have a natural flair for rudeness, and punishing us for that wasn’t right,” Diesel said. “It also covers folks’ rights to be rude right back, so it’s a cool two-edged sword. Lets people bicker and snark and be a-holes and go about their business.”

Island authorities praised the ruling.

“There’s been times, trying to keep the peace, I’d run out of jail space,” Island Police Constable Rafe Marquette said. “Only got the one cell, you know, so it fills up fast. People used to be charged with starting trouble, but now that’s done with. This lets me concentrate on physical altercations and ignore the yelling matches.”

Others were more cautious.

“Big worry’s people may take advantage of the new law,” de facto island mayor Jack Cobia said. “Locals going out of their way to be rude, well, that could chase away tourists, and then where’d we be? All out of work, that’s where. At minimum, there needs to be a stipulation you can’t be rude to tourists. Harry’s a dumbass for passing this law.”

Island judge Harry Bottoms disagreed.

“Jack’s a dumbass for making that statement,” he said. “But then, that’s always been his stock-in-trade. This law’s is based on the strong precedents set in Chromis v. Ray and Damsel v. Goby. It frees up vital community resources and puts responsibility on the individual. Folks that don’t like it need to toughen up, grow a thicker skin.

“Also, the law does not protect the consequences of being rude,” Bottoms said. “Anything that goes beyond verbal fireworks’ll still be prosecuted vigorously. This has been a long time in coming.”

Mayor Cobia plans to appeal the decision. Bottoms, the only judge on the small Caribbean island, has promised to ignore the appeal.

Blacktip Island Handyman Will Act As His Own Attorney

Local roustabout Dermott Bottoms will represent himself in criminal court Monday, marking the first time a Blacktip Island resident has exercised the little-known legal prerogative. (Court photo courtesy of Brian Turner)

In a Blacktip Island first that experts say may set legal precedent, local jack of all trades Dermott Bottoms has opted to act as his own attorney for his public disturbance trial this coming Monday.

Bottoms was arrested last month for disorderly conduct, public drunkenness, offending the decency of a woman and littering.

“Don’t need no lawyers,” Bottoms said. “Can’t trust them. Except cousin Rocky, and he wouldn’t take the case.

“Mostly, he didn’t want to fly over from the big island, I think,” Bottoms said. “No matter. We’ll get to the bottom of things and the truth’ll set me free.”

Some locals have rallied to Bottoms’ cause.

“Technically, all those offenses are criminal, but this is Blacktip Island,” local Payne Hanover said. “Other places it’s drunk and disorderly. Here it’s just a normal Saturday night slamming too hard into Sunday morning.”

Authorities disagreed.

“Sunday morning Dermott slammed into the church doors, vomited in the aisle, dropped his trousers and passed out on one of the pews,” Island Police Constable Rafe Marquette said. “There’s no shortage of witnesses. All four, five people there saw it.”

Island legal experts are dubious about Bottoms’ chances.

“It’s the first time anyone’s represented themselves,” court watchdog Wade Soote said. “The law does provide for it, but no one’s ever been damn fool enough to try it.

“But now here’s Dermott, the poster boy for ‘damn fool,’” Soote said. “My guess is he’s simply trying to dodge the legal fees. Dermott can’t even pay his bar tabs. All in all, it’ll be fun to watch.”

Other locals were more cynical of the island’s legal process.

“He’ll get off, no matter what he does in court,” the former Reverend Jerrod Ephesians said. “The judge is his aunt Copper. Those Bottoms stick together.

“My hope is the court insists Dermott make restitution,” Ephesians said. “The church doors need rehanging, the carpets need replacing, and the congregation, well, they’ll never be able to unsee Dermott’s butt.”

Despite the criticism, Bottoms is upbeat about his self defense.

“Gonna plead guilty and trust the mercy of the court,” Bottoms said. “Can’t let the trial go too long. Cousin Sandy needs me to do landscaping at his resort, you know. And Auntie Copper needs her pool cleaned.

“Church folks ought to be about forgiveness, anyway,” Bottoms said. “Then we wouldn’t have to bother with trials and judges and lawyers. They say if men were angels, we wouldn’t need government. Well, we’re all angels on Blacktip. A few of us’ve fallen a bit further than others, but we’re still angels.”