Tag Archives: Christmas humor

December 14, 2018 · 8:00 am

Blacktip Island Thespians Bring Norwegian Christmas Tale To Life

Holiday lights were raised over Blacktip Haven’s amphitheater Thursday in preparation for the Blacktip Island Community Players’ annual Christmas performance. (photo courtesy of Doris Blenny/BICP)

The Blacktip Island Community Players will kick off the holiday season Friday night with their performance of the classic Norwegian Christmas story, “The Cat on the Dovrefjell” at the Blacktip Haven outdoor amphitheater.

“Blacktip theater-goers are a savvy lot, and tired of the usual holiday fare,” director Doris Blenny said. “This is also a hat tip to the Norse raiders who sacked the island back in 650 A.D. or so.”

The story centers on a hunter, bringing a white bear to the king, who stops at a woodcutter’s house by the Dovrefjell mountain on Christmas Eve, Blenny said.

“The woodcutter, Halvor, was abandoning the house for the night because every Christmas Eve trolls came down, ate all his food and trashed his house,” Blenny said. “The hunter decided to stay anyway. That night the trolls came down and partied hard.

“They thought the bear was a giant cat and teased it,” Blenny said. “Things went south when one of them burned the bear’s nose with a hot sausage, and the angry bear chased the trolls back up the mountain. The next year at Christmastime, when a troll asked Halvor if he still had his white cat, Halvor said his cat now had seven kittens. The trolls never bothered him again. It’s a lovely holiday message, really.”

The cast includes:

Dermott Bottoms as the Bear
Jerrod Ephesians as the Hunter
Marina DeLow as Halvor the Woodcutter
Alison Diesel, Hugh Calloway, Jessie Catahoula and Finn Kiick as Assorted Trolls
The Blacktip Island bluff as the Dovrefjell

The rehearsals have already resulted in one injury, cast members said.

“Casting Dermott as the bear and wrapping him in that white flokati rug was brilliant, but telling him to attack people? That’s mental!” former troll Lee Helm said. “The first time I said, ‘Kitty, would you like some sausage,’ he knocked me unconscious and flung me out the window.

“They’ve barred him from rehearsals, but the damage was done. To me, anyway,” Helm said. “For Christmas this year I got 124 stitches, a concussion and a broken arm.”

Other cast members say Bottoms’ unpredictability will add realism to the performances.

“No one has a clue what Dermott’ll do when he gets his cue, not even Dermott,” replacement troll Alison Diesel said. “All we know is when I say ‘sausage,’ we’re all gonna be running like hell away from him.

“I’ve been practicing my tuck-and-roll,” Diesel said. “Dermott’s totally in character now. He won’t take off that rug, and he growls at anyone who talks to him. We told people in the first three rows to wear motorcycle helmets and any body armor they might have.”

BICP officials say the play will run through the holiday season.

“Performances will be every Friday and Saturday through New Year’s, cast injuries permitting,” Blenny said. “And it’s wonderful we can actually use the, ‘Exit, pursued by a bear’ stage direction.’”

Community Christmas Tree Lights Shock Blacktip Islanders

A stampede at Blacktip Island’s Community Holiday Tree lighting ceremony Thursday night injured five residents. All were treated at the island medical clinic and released. (photo courtesy of KTNV)

Five people sustained minor injuries at the Blacktip Island Community Holiday Tree lighting ceremony Thursday evening after many attendees claimed the lighted palm tree resembled male sexual anatomy.

“We didn’t think it through, obviously,” event organizer Jay Valve said. “We used a palm tree this year instead of the usual sea grape tree, and on paper the lights looked lovely, with the trunk all bright, and oversized blue Christmas balls around the base. We should have put more lights on the fronds so you could tell it was a tree.

“Someone told us never to put holiday lights on a palm tree,” Valve said. “I guess we found out why the hard way.”

Witnesses described a chaotic scene following the lighting.

“We’d finished singing The Chipmunk Song, Jay flipped on the lights and all hell broke loose,” Gage Hoase said. “Most of us were laughing, but a bunch of people started screaming and running every which way.

“They were trampling each other, trying to get away, trying not to look,” Hoase said. “The people who fell down laughing got the worst of that. They’re the ones got hauled off to the clinic. We all needed a good, stiff drink afterward.”

The display shocked many attendees.

“The kids were excited about seeing the new tree, so we made sure we were in the front row,” resident Glenda Goby said. “Then the lights came on, and Christmas turned into a nightmare.

“I covered the little ones’ eyes quick as I could, but I have three kiddos and only two hands,” Goby said. “My youngest is still screaming. I’m still answering awkward questions. We expected a nice, family-friendly tree. That shouldn’t have been so hard.”

Some defended the decorations.

“It’s Christmas. There’s supposed to be surprises,” Wendy Beaufort said. “I mean it was awkward, happening in front of God and everyone, but it’s still quite festive. I wouldn’t accept any presents from under that thing, but, in a way, it sums up Blacktip Island life.”

The display has caused others to rethink all holiday decorations.

“Now people are imagining sex organs in every decoration on the island,” the Rev. Pierre Grunt said. “Icicle lights, angels, you name it, they’ve been dragged into the gutter. Jay and them really should have done some lighting test runs instead of going off all half-cocked.

“We even took the wreaths on the church doors, for decency’s sake,” Grunt said. “There were way too many people pointing and snickering. And taking rude selfies.”

Blacktip Island Volunteers Mold Fruitcakes Into Coral Nursery

Blacktip Island residents are encouraged to drop off unwanted holiday fruitcakes at collection bins across the Caribbean island. Volunteers will mold the cakes into elkhorn and staghorn coral skeletons for the island’s new coral nursery. (photo courtesy of Stu Spivack)

Blacktip Island’s unwanted holiday fruitcakes will get new life in a program that repurposes them as frames for a coral nursery offshore from Sandy Bottoms Beach Resort. Volunteer scuba divers will install the first fruitcakes Saturday morning, under the direction of Marine Park personnel.

“The Jawfish Reef area’s taken a beating from loose supply barges, dump runoff and whatnot,” Marine Parks spokesperson Val Schrader said. “We’d talked about building an artificial reef there, but we didn’t have the material, the money or the manpower.

“Then the Blacktip Underwater Modelers asked for a permit to turn all those nasty fruitcakes into an underwater sculpture garden, and everything just dropped into place,” Valve said.

Island officials say the plan solves multiple problems.

“Fruitcakes have been stacking up on Blacktip for years,” island mayor Jack Cobia said. “No one actually eats those things. Except little Shelly Bottoms, but she eats drywall, too. And smoked oysters.

“We used to have a fruitcake-flinging contest, where people built catapults to see who could launch one the farthest,” Cobia said. “But that was causing too much damage, and endangering the thrill seekers who’d try to catch them. This way, we’re getting rid of the cakes and helping the environment, too.”

Some environmentalists worry a fruitcake reef may do more harm than good.

“The dump won’t take them because they’re classified as biohazards,” said local activist Harry Pickett. “They’re indestructible. People in war zones use them to stop bullets. Who knows what’s going to leach out of them and onto the reef?

“Secondly, what happens if reef fish develop a taste for them?” Pickett said. “No only would we lose coral, we’d also have a bunch of dead fish. Or diabetic fish, at the very least.”

Local scientists, though, are optimistic about the plan.

“We haven’t identified any ingredients that are too toxic,” Tiperon University-Blacktip marine science professor Goby Graysby said. “And in our studies, no fish would go near them. Not even the yellowtail snappers. No, those cakes are durable enough to give coral polyps a good, solid anchor to take root on.

“The island needs green initiatives like this,” Graysby said. “Literally green, with some of those older cakes that’ve been passed down untouched for generations.”

Marine Parks has placed fruitcake collection bins at the Heritage House, at all island resorts, and also placed a fruitcake dumpster at Diddley’s Landing public pier.

“Hopefully this’ll work and spread to other islands,” Valve said. “With luck, we could have more coral and rid the world of fruitcakes within a few years. Now wouldn’t that make for a merry Christmas?”