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June 21, 2024 · 7:41 am

Blacktip Island Amateur Botanist Discovers Deadly Triffids On Bluff

triffids on BI

A row of what amateur botanist Edwin Chub has identified as triffids—sentient, ambulatory plants that prey on humans—on Blacktip Island’s southern bluff. (photo courtesy of Rob Noble)

An amateur botanist exploring Blacktip Island’s southern bluff Wednesday discovered what he described as a group of venomous, ambulatory triffid plants, sparking concerns for the island population’s safety.

“I did quite the double take when I first saw them, making certain they were real,” Edwin Chub said. “I’ve seen that ‘Day of the Triffids’ documentary, and there’s no mistaking them. They’re not mature yet, or able to move around, but it’s just a matter of time. Then we’re all cooked. It doesn’t do to trifle with triffids.

“What they did in the UK was horrific,” Chub said. “It’s a wonder anyone was left alive over there. I thought they killed all of them, but apparently a few seeds got transported here somehow. Only thing to do now is burn the lot of them, and make sure we didn’t miss any.”

Island authorities said removal was not a straightforward affair.

“That whole area up there’s a nature preserve,” Island Police Constable Rafe Marquette said. “As easy as burning them all would be, it can’t be done legally. Humanity’s survival be damned, it’s a protected area. The best we can do is put up a wall to contain them. If they wander off the bluff, they’re fair game. But until then, our hands are tied.”

Some island residents proposed an exception to the law.

“Them things are a mortal threat to everybody on the island,” Linford Blenny said. “I seen that documentary—you can’t contain ‘em. We need to kill ‘em all now before they kill us. If Rafe won’t take action, well, some of us just might. Late at night when there’s no witnesses.”

Others looked to capitalize on the discovery.

“I’ve never supported all this ‘protected species’ claptrap, but we have to look at the upside to this,” Sandy Bottoms’ Beach Resort owner Sandy Bottoms said. “As far as we know, Blacktip’s the only place in the world with these whats-its. That’s one hell of a draw. We need to fence them in, then charge a premium for folks to see them. Hell, we’ll put folks in body armor and let them run around with them for an up charge.”

A few residents dismissed the discovery, and the dangers posed.

“‘The Day of the Triffids’ wasn’t a documentary; it was a science fiction film,” Jodi Hamlet said. “And a cheesy novel before that. There’s no such thing as triffids. These are just some oddly-shaped trees, combined with Edwin up on the bluff with a bottle of cheap white rum. There’s no emergency here, just nonsense, sky-is-falling melodrama.”

Bottoms brushed aside that criticism.

“If Edwin says they’re real, they’re by-God real,” he said. “The only thing for us to do contain them for public safety, then make a hefty profit off them. We’ll be out the cost of a fence. After that, it’s pure profit.”

Wampus Cat Sightings Have Blacktip Island Residents On Edge

A footprint of the alleged wampus cat, near the Last Ballyhoo bar on blacktip Island’s southern tip. (photo courtesy of manu2548)

Multiple wampus cat sightings on Blacktip Island have residents worried, and forced authorities Thursday to issue a public safety warning concerning the creature.

“Not exactly sure what we’re dealing with, but, judging by the footprints, it’s big,” Island Police Constable Rafe Marquette said. “Look like cat tracks, but I’ve never seen anything bigger than a feral cat on Blacktip.

“Folks are reporting a big cat-looking critter more and more often, down south by the Last Ballyhoo,” Marquette said. “We’re asking all residents to be cautious, especially in that area. If you have to go out at night, always travel in groups of at least two people. And bring two sticks to knock together.”

Long-time residents were the first to find the animal’s tracks.

“I was poking around on the bluff, looking for mango trees, when I saw the first track,” Eagle Ray Cove manager, former-Reverend Jerrod Ephesians said. “It looked like a cat print, but the size of my hand. And fresh. I thought, ‘Holly hell! That’s from a wampus cat!’ You can bet I high-tailed it out of there.

“There’s always been weird animal noises in the bush down that way,” Ephesians said. “And there’s always been wampus cat tales. I’ve never heard of one attacking people, but I’m not taking any chances. I’m carrying a machete any time I’m down that way.”

Other locals claim to have seen the creature.

“I was driving back from the Ballyhoo Saturday night when I saw it in the road just ahead of me,” Payne Hanover said. “It paused, gave me a toothy roar, then bounded into the bushes. It was a minute or so before I could drive off, I was shaking so bad.

“There’s been pet food and laundry going missing down there, too,” Ephesians said. “With a mouth full of teeth like that, it’s got to be a danger to people. And pets. You hear about things like this, but you never think you’ll see them. There’s been rumors, and now we have proof.”

Some in the community doubt the reports.

“There is absolutely zero evidence of anything that big living anywhere on the island,” Tiperon University-Blacktip genetics professor Vera Cuda said. “A carnivore that large? What does it eat and where does it poop? This is just another crypto megafauna hoax. I mean, if Jerrod and Payne are the ones reporting sightings, I know it’s bogus.”

However, long-time residents confirmed the creature’s existence.

“That wampus cat’s real, and a terror,” shopkeeper Peachy Bottoms said. “Got my great-uncle Cooter and his son Bell, back in the ‘30s. That was a bad time. I seen it again last week. We got to be proactive in getting rid of it.

“Grandpa used torches, a grappling hook and Old Spice back then,” Bottoms said. “Kept it away for 50, 60 years. If this is the same one. It’ll be lurking up on the bluff. We’ll smoke it out, though.”

Meanwhile, Eagle Ray Cove has launched a wampus cat tourism initiative.

“We’re doing wampus cat identification courses, and running wampus cat safaris,” Ephesians said. “We’re also selling wampus cat shirts and hats, and have a new Cat Scratch Fever cocktail at the bar. Our guests are eating this stuff up.”