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Blacktip Islanders Tout Wasabi As A Virus Cure

WASABI VIRUS CURE

Two Blacktip Island sushi enthusiasts claim to have discovered wasabi fumes can cure the common cold and other similar viruses. (photo courtesy of Gage Hoase)

Two Blacktip Island residents this week claimed to have discovered a common Japanese condiment may destroy multiple types of corona viruses.

“We were scarfing sushi at the Tail Spinner when Gage Hoase inhaled at the wrong time and got a big snootful of wasabi,” Payne Hanover said. “He howled bloody murder and turned bright red, but his cold went away and he’s felt fine ever since.

“We figured if wasabi’ll knock out a cold, it’ll probably kick ass on similar viruses,” Hanover said. “Makes sense, when you think about it—those vapors get up in your sinuses and in your lungs, the fumes’ll burn up any microscopic organisms. Viruses can’t live in that kind of toxic environment.”

Some on the island are already trying the treatment.

“My little one had a head cold, so we put wasabi in the bedside humidifier to give her a gentle dose,” Ginger Bass said. “Within a few hours she felt fine. Of course, we’ve had a hankering for sushi ever since, but that’s a small price to pay.”

Others have been experimenting with dosage.

“We’ve seen good results from putting a dollop of paste on your tongue and inhaling as hard as you can,” chamber of commerce president Led Waite said. “Dermott, he snorted a whole line of the stuff, and he’s never looked healthier. We’re thinking the fumes break down the virus’ outer walls on contact. Sure, it hurts like hell, but a lot of people are into that sort of thing, so that can be a bonus.”

Public health professionals were skeptical of the claims.

“There’s no proof Japanese horseradish cures colds, and no medical reason to think it would kill any sort of virus,” island nurse Marissa Graysby said. “People trying this so-called cure are hurting themselves needlessly. I’ve treated multiple patients for chemical burns after they shoved wasabi paste up their noses. And elsewhere.

“It also gives false hope of being cured, and makes people avoid seeking proper medical treatment,” Graysby said. “Come on, people, use your noggins.”

Hanover remained upbeat about wasabi’s potential.

“We know it works. Now we just have to play with how best to use it,” he said. “We’re also looking into combining it with pickled ginger and soy sauce. The naysayers can slag us all they want, but huffing wasabi’s better than doing nothing. People need to give it a chance. What do they have to lose?”

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