Tag Archives: blog fiction

March 17, 2017 · 9:06 am

West Coast Developments May Capsize Blacktip Island

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

Blacktip Island’s world-renowned west coast beaches may be lost forever if the island flips over due to too much development on its west side, a recent study suggests. (photo courtesy of Ferris Skerritt/Skerritt Construction)

A study released Thursday by a Blacktip Island construction firm revealed the Caribbean island may be in danger of flipping upside down due to the concentration of resorts and other infrastructure on the island’s west coast.

“All that cement, the vehicles, the staff, the pool water and whatnot, it puts a lot of strain on the island’s base,” Skerritt Construction owner Ferris Skerritt said. “We’ve been keeping an eye on it for years. It’s a ticking time bomb.

“At this point, a big influx of tourists to those resorts could cause the island to snap off,” Skerritt said. “I mean, have you seen the size of some of those folks? At that point, Blacktip’d capsize and drown us all. We need to get this island balanced. Pronto.”

Local business owners urged development on the sparsely-developed east coast as a solution.

“We got the Spring Break crowds coming, then the summer crowds,” Eagle Ray Cove resort owner Rich Skerritt said. “For the good of the island and everyone on it, we need more development over on the east side.

“Problem is, building over there’s always been cost-prohibitive, what with that being the weather coast and so far from the airfield,” Rich Skerritt said. “But with some public funds to offset the construction costs, there may still be time to save our island.”

Others business owners concurred.

“I always wanted a resort on the east coast, just couldn’t justify the cost,” Sandy Bottoms Beach Resort owner Sandy Bottoms said. “I don’t like taking public money, but if it’s for the good of the island, I’ll make the sacrifice.”

Some experts, though, disputed the study’s findings.

“The island’s not going to break loose or flip over,” said Tiperon University-Blacktip geology department chair Ernesto Mojarra. “That’s physically, scientifically impossible. People need to use their noggins.

“Rich and Sandy are just trying to scare people into subsidizing new resorts,” Mojarra said. “And Rich’s brother just wants the construction contracts.”

Some locals remained worried, despite Mojarra’s assurances.

“It’s scary, these experts saying opposite things, especially when it concerns our safety,” Sand Spit bartender Cori Anders said. “With so much controversy, it’s probably best to err on the side of caution.

“They say something like this happened near Fiji a few years back,” Anders said. “Stuff like this happens all the time. You just don’t hear about it.”

Other island entrepreneurs are unconcerned.

“If Ernesto’s right, we’re fine,” said Blacktip Haven resort own Elena Havens. “And if Blacktip does turn turtle, well, we’ve already waterproofed the Haven’s rooms so we can be the first full-service underwater resort in the Caribbean.”

Leave a comment

Filed under Caribbean

Tagged as , , , , , ,

March 10, 2017 · 9:01 am

Rude Dive Staffs Prompt Blacktip Island Cotillion Class

cotillion

Alison Diesel and Gage Hoase practice their quadrille Thursday evening at the Blacktip Island Heritage House. Dancing is one of many social skills being taught to island dive staff in a new cotillion class aimed at boosting tourism on the island. (photo courtesy of Silar)

Faced with a growing number of complaints about rude dive staff, Blacktip Island community leaders and etiquette activists have joined forces to create a cotillion program aimed at the Caribbean island’s divemasters.

“We got loads of guest complaints from every resort on the island,” mayor Jack Cobia said. “It ranged from not saying ‘hello,’ to sarcastic remarks, to snatching food from guests’ hands. Dive ops fire the bad apples, but the replacements’re just as bad.

“When word hit travel review sites, we knew we had to do something drastic,” Cobia said. “It was killing our tourism product.”

The solution was to recruit the island’s gentry.

“Jack could have been describing wild animals,” long-time resident Helen Maples said. “He asked if I might teach the rascals manners, deportment, dancing and other social graces.

“I was delighted! I’ve wanted to institute a regimen like this for years,” Maples said. “The next evening I lined up a dozen hostile scuba hippies, and whacked them with a ruler if they didn’t stand up straight.”

Cobia is cautiously optimistic about the course.

“Honestly, it’s a pilot project,” he said. “But if it works, we may expand it to include all resort workers, then airfield staff, then anyone else in the tourism industry.

“If it doesn’t work, it’s still fun to watch,” Cobia said. “Helen tells them to imagine their granny’s standing next to them. Then, if they so much as look sideways, TWHACK! Bruce Lee’d be jealous of how fast that ruler moves.”

Predictably, many divemasters were critical of the class.

“That bloody ruler hurts,” said Eagle Ray Divers’ Lee Helm. “It’s not right, requiring us to go there and be physically abused. Mrs. Maples is a sadist, she is.”

Maples was unapologetic about her methods.

“It’s a time-honored tradition. Or should be,” she said. “The ruler reminds them to wear shoes, to speak in complete, non-obscene sentences and to pass the salt and pepper together when a tablemate requests, “Would you please pass the salt?”

Some dive staff, though, say they enjoy cotillion.

“Lee’s a whiner,” said Eagle Ray Divers’ Alison Diesel. “It’s so cool when Gage, umm, I mean Mister Hoase, comes up and says, ‘Miss Diesel, may I have this dance?’ and I say, ‘Certainly, Mister Hoase.’”

Attendee Finn Kiick, of Club Scuba Doo, sees other positives.

“It’s goofy, sure, but you learn proper, formal dancing,” he said. “Women dig that crap. You’ll see DMs out cutting a rug at the Sand Spit pretty much any night of the week now, practicing.

“It’s value-added on the boats, too,” Kiick added. “Run out of stories to tell during a surface interval? Now you can entertain the guests with a waltz. Or a quadrille.”

Leave a comment

Filed under Caribbean, Scuba Diving

Tagged as , , , , , , , ,

March 3, 2017 · 9:53 am

It’s Sharks vs. Jetfins in Blacktip Island Players’ “West Side Story”

sharks-vs-jets

Marina DeLow, right, performs ‘I Feel Pretty’ during the dress rehearsal of the Blacktip Island Community Players’ “West Side Story,” celebrating 50 years of recreational scuba diving from resorts on the Caribbean island’s west coast. (photo courtesy of Doris Blenny/BICP)

The Blacktip Island Community Players will perform their take on the Rodgers and Hammerstein classic “West Side Story” Saturday evening at the island’s Heritage House. The performance celebrates 50 years of the recreational scuba industry on the Caribbean island.

“We usually go for something original,” director Doris Blenny said. “But this year we decided to reimagine a classic to honor the founding of Muddy Bottoms’ Double-Hose Divers all those years ago.

“We’re casting the Sharks and Jets as rival dive operations,” Blenny said. “It speaks to the competition between resorts that defines Blacktip Island. And with all the island’s scuba charter companies on its west side, well, it adds an extra layer that truly resonates.”

Many locals are eager to see the show.

“This is the sort of thing that really spotlights Blacktip’s vibrant thespian scene,” said island theater aficionado Frank Maples. “And Doris’ casting, as ever, is spot-on.”

Blenny chose this year’s performers exclusively from island dive staffs.

“We wanted realism,” she said. “And really, who can put all the yearning, the anger, the lusts of a young divemaster into a performance better than a divemaster, young or otherwise. You can see that especially in the Act I dive knife fight scene.

“Marina DeLow as Maria was an obvious choice, what with her beautiful, if off-key, lyric contralto voice,” Blenny said. “And the jump from ‘Marina’ to ‘Maria,’ well, it’s just one letter isn’t it?”

Other cast members include:

  • Lee Helm as Tony
  • Finn Kiick as Bernardo
  • Alison Diesel as Anita
  • Gage Hoase as Riff

“We respected the original score as much as we could, but we also tweaked some songs to be scuba-themed,” DeLow said. “We do the standard ‘Maria’ and ‘I Feel Pretty,’ but then we get jiggy a little with ‘Tonight’s Dive,’ and ‘(I Like To Be On) Blacktip.’ When Gage sings, ‘When you’re a Bottoms, you’re a Bottoms all the way,’ the crowd’ll go bonkers.”

The producers are encouraging audience members to dress in scuba-themed attire.

“Come as a divemaster, a tourist or even in vintage dive gear,” Blenny said. “We want theater-goers to become part of the spectacle. Muddy would have liked that.

“As ever, though, alcohol will not be allowed, and attendees will be frisked and given breathalyzer tests prior to admission,” Blenny added. “We’re not having a redux of the ‘Tora, Tora, Tora’ melee of three years ago.”

Proceeds from the show go to the Heritage House and to the Blacktip Island Divemasters Retirement Fund.

Leave a comment

Filed under Caribbean, Scuba Diving

Tagged as , , , , , , ,

February 24, 2017 · 6:19 am

Blacktip Island High Kicks Off Homecoming Weekend

P1102009.JPG – Version 2

A fanciful Blacktip tasseled nudibranch (Bomella blacktipius) is part of the decoration for this weekend’s Blacktip Island High School homecoming festivities. The school’s teal-and-pink colors were inspired by the nudibranch, the BIHS mascot, found only on Blacktip Island reefs. (photo courtesy of Doris Blenny)

The Blacktip Island High School Fighting Nudibranchs will celebrate their 143nd homecoming on land and sea this weekend to honor students and alumni of the Caribbean island’s sole secondary school.

“It’s an exciting schedule we have planned,” homecoming chair Doris Blenny said. “We kick things off tonight with the spirit rally, the beach bonfire and the crowning of the homecoming court.

“Saturday’s the parade, then the offshore hand-line fishing tournament against arch rival Tiperon High, followed by a formal dance in the evening. School spirit’s sweeping the island.”

Locals of all ages said homecoming brings the community closer.

“I tear up just thinking about fishing against those cheating Tiperon High Frigates back in the day,” BIHS Class of 1981 alumni Antonio Fletcher said. “Proud we still go head-to-head with the big boys instead of bringing in some patsy to beat.

“I do love seeing the school colors flying all over the island, too,” Fletcher said. “And when they burn that paper mache frigate at the bonfire, folks go wild.”

The highlight for many will be the crowning of the king and queen.

“We only have one senior this year,” Blenny said. “Well, one student, period, so the voting was fairly predictable. It was Rusty Goby or no one.

“We set precedent, though, when the voters decided it wasn’t right to have just a king,” Blenny said. “They named Rusty king and queen. And to fill out the court, we’ll have iguanas with ribbons around their necks, and some of them wearing lipstick.”

Goby echoed Blenny’s enthusiasm.

“It’s a double honor, believe you me,” he said. “And appropriate, frankly, since nudibranchs are both male and female. For the homecoming court’s dance, I’ll do a sea slug-themed Viennese waltz to Billy Idol’s ‘Dancing With Myself.’

“It’ll be an exhausting few days, but well worth it,” Goby said. “The pep rally and bonfire and parade and the fishing tourney then the dance. I mean, I won’t be able to sneak a beer, or a smoke behind the gym, until everything’s over.”

Some alumni downplayed the celebration.

“I’m happy for Rusty and all, but a Blacktip homecoming can be a bit underwhelming after you’ve been through a few,” said BIHS Class of 1993 alumni Wendy Beaufort. “I mean,the parade’s usually just Dermott Bottoms bicycling past the resorts with an MP3 player blasting salsa music.”

Blenny defended the perceived lack of spirit.

“We’re a tiny school, all right?” she said. “We’ve tried bringing back famous alumni, but we couldn’t find any. Besides Jack Cobia, our mayor, but he’s locked up on a drunk driving charge.

“Frankly, the tailgating’s where Nudibranch spirit really bursts out,” Blenny said. “You want to see spirited celebration, check out the Sand Spit parking lot Saturday afternoon. Especially if Rusty can make it three in a row against those rat-bastard Frigates.”

Leave a comment

Filed under Caribbean

Tagged as , , , , , ,

February 17, 2017 · 6:00 am

Ironshore Golf Is Blacktip Island’s Newest Tourism Draw

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

Despite the Paradise Links clubhouse and other amenities still being under construction, Blacktip Island entrepreneur Rich Skerritt will open Blacktip Island’s first golf course Saturday. “This’ll boost the Blacktip economy more than you’ll ever know,” Skerritt said. (photo courtesy of Snively Skerritt)

Blacktip Island sports enthusiasts will have a new option this weekend with the opening of the Paradise Links golf course on the Caribbean island’s southwest coast. The course is the brainchild of local hotelier and entrepreneur Rich Skerritt.

“This another gem in Blacktip Island’s tourism crown,” Skerritt said. “A golf course puts us on the map. Makes the big hotel and retail chains realize they need in on the action.

“We only have three holes so far,” Skerritt said. “Some folks pushed for a more family-friendly mini-golf sort of thing, but we wanted to keep it classy.”

With flat land at a premium, course builders set most of the fairways across the island’s rough coastal ironshore.

“We routed as much as we could over the beach, but most of the course is on some pretty rough terrain,” Ferris Skerritt of Skerritt Construction said. “We put down indoor/outdoor carpet for the greens and tee boxes, and filled in enough ironshore to make cart paths, but otherwise it’s raw nature.”

The terrain necessitated some golf club innovations.

“Ironshore’s the big course hazard,” course designer Chuck Mulligan said. “You hit your tee shot solid, the ball carries right over it. But get down in one of those crevices, you’re screwed.

“You should’ve seen all the broken clubs,” Mulligan said. “We ended up milling special stainless steel pitching wedges with sharpened, tungsten carbide heads that’ll blast through the limestone. Kablam! Guests love it. Plus, the chipped stone fills in the course, and makes great gravel for Ferris’ cement plant.”

Some Blacktip residents, though, decried the new course.

“People come to Blacktip Island for its unspoiled natural beauty,” Blacktip Haven resort owner Elena Havens said. “The last thing we need is fake grass and a bunch of yahoos playing whack-and-chase, pick-axing the hell out of the ironshore. You come here to get away from that kind of crap.

Others welcomed the new course.

“Anything that adds to this little rock’s veneers of civilization can’t be bad,” said longtime resident Rhodes Batten. “And there’s talk of making it a private club. People are already lining up for membership.

“It’d be relatively exclusive, too, in Blacktip Island terms,’ Batten said. “They’ve floated the idea of not allowing Huguenots. Or Hottentots. I get them confused.”

Rich Skerritt would confirm only that he plans to expand the course as soon as is feasible.

“We’ve got two more holes in the works, including a par five up the side of the bluff,” Skerritt said. “We’ll have a putting green and an aqua-driving range on the beach, too.

“That means even more construction and service jobs,” Skerritt added. “Boosting the economy every whish way. Pro shop staff. Restaurant staff. Groundskeepers, too, to keep an eye on stuff like manganese. And chinch bugs. Ironshore can be tricky to maintain properly.”

Leave a comment

Filed under Caribbean

Tagged as , , , , , ,

February 10, 2017 · 5:46 am

Blacktip Island Erupts In Decades-Long Family Feud

little-seoul

Some of the flare pistols confiscated by Island Police Constable Rafe Marquette during the current Bottoms-Conlee feud in Blacktip Island’s Little Seoul neighborhood. (photo courtesy of Sustructu)

A long-simmering family feud erupted in violence Thursday evening in Blacktip Island’s Little Seoul district, leaving three persons injured and several others emotionally scarred, island officials said.

“Things get ugly fast up in Koreatown,” Island Police Constable Rafe Marquette said. “Usually what happens there stays there, but this started at the public pier, then the fight spread to bars and work sites. I confiscated every flare gun on the island and they’re still shooting at each other.

“It started with James Conlee fishing at Diddley’s Landing, only he was in Dermott Bottoms’ corner spot,” Marquette said. “The families have unwritten rules for that kind of thing, to keep the peace. But James got him a snootfull of white rum and the veneer cracked.”

Community members say the feud brings back bad memories

“This is how the gang wars started ten years ago,” ­­­­­­­­­­local Cori Anders said. “Dermott’s daddy tossed his hand line too close to James’ daddy’s. Would’ve been no big deal, but Booger Bottoms ended up catching a big, fat snapper. Took months to end the violence, and grudges smoldered for years.”

Island authorities say residents should avoid the neighborhood until the violence can be contained.

“We don’t want bystanders injured by crossfire or drive-bys,” Marquette said. “Well, technically pedal-bys, since all the Bottoms and Conlees have had their driver’s licenses revoked for drunk driving.

“I’m up there half the day and all the night to keep a lid on it,” IPC Marquette said. “We’re trying to broker peace, but James and Dermott aren’t making it easy.”

Each side claims the other is to blame.

“Insult to my family, you know. Things were settled, now this,” Dermott Bottoms said. “Daddy’s rolling over in his grave right now. That’s his hard-won fishing spot.”

“We won’t forgive and we won’t forget,” James Conlee said. “Them Bottoms crossed our lines years ago. I just balanced the scales.”

Locals worry about safety island-wide.

“Rosie and Peachy Bottoms were at the Ballyhoo last night, minding their own business, when Jesse Conlee busted in with a flare pistol,” resident Val Schrader said. “Popped a flare straight down the bar at them. No one was hurt, but it cleared the Ballyhoo right quick.

“My heart goes out to Rosie Bottoms and ‘Cephus Conlee.,” Schrader said. “They got married a month ago, they live in the middle house in Little Seoul and’ve been catching pure hell from both sides. Habitat for Humanity’s sitting on ‘G,’ waiting on ‘O’ for the gunfire to stop so they can go in and rebuild.”

Leave a comment

Filed under Caribbean

Tagged as , , , , ,

February 3, 2017 · 5:59 am

Blacktip Island Filmmaker Wins Golden Flipper Award

film-fest

The opening credits of Jerrod Ephesians Flippér d’Or-winning documentary at the inaugural Blacktip Island Documentary Film Festival. Festival films will be shown at random times throughout the week at the Caribbean island’s Heritage House. (photo courtesy of Hammer Films)

Amateur filmmaker Jerrod Ephesians took top honors at the inaugural Blacktip Island Documentary Film Festival Wednesday night, receiving the coveted Flippér d’Or for his film, “What Does Dermott Do All Day?” The ceremony was the finale of the Caribbean island’s week-long event, sponsored by the Blacktip Island Filmmakers Federation.

“Local documentary buffs spent the past month filming and editing,” BIFF chairman Christina Mojarra said. “We’ve been publicly screening the films at various times all week, so everyone can see them regardless of work schedule.

“We had everything from a simple time-lapse security cam footage that condensed a night at The Last Ballyhoo Bar into five minutes, to nesting iguanas set to hip-hop, to an in-depth look at the struggles of a newly-settled expat couple,” Mojarra said. “The films truly reflected the Blacktip Island experience.”

Judges said Ephesians’ film encapsulated the reality of daily life on Blacktip Island, raising the mundane to the sublime.

“Jerrod cut the perfect slice of Blacktip life,” judge Elena Havens said. “From Dermott Bottoms’ first breakfast beer, to his rummaging through the dump, to fishing, napping, dominoes and finally passing out. Every Blacktip resident can see themselves in some aspect of the film.”

Ephesians said he eschewed a linear narrative to focus instead on evoking a mood.

“I wanted to get at the Zen of the gestalt of the entirety of whole Blacktip thing,” he said. “Plus, I got jammed for time, only had one day to shoot, looked out the window, and there was Dermott, sipping on a Heineken.”

Festival-goers were also impressed by Antonio Fletcher’s existential short, “Mais N’Enculons Pas des Mooches.”

“It was a delightful throwback to early Buñuel-esque cinema,” judge Frank Maples said. “Black-and-white footage from ‘Tonio’s cell phone that he’d strapped to a bicycle’s handlebars during a ride through the island’s resorts. Literally weaving through lobbies, around pools, everywhere. He even edited in some fake scratches to make it look more like vintage film.

“As cinema, though, it stumbled with the voiceover,” Maples said. “‘Tonio randomly repeating ‘je t’aime, je t’aime,’ in an odd, faux-Russian falsetto, well, it became a bit off-putting. Quickly.”

All festival films will continue to be screened throughout the week at the Blacktip Island Heritage House in whatever order and times strike festival organizers’ fancies. Admission is free, with proceeds go to BIFF, less an administrative fees.

Leave a comment

Filed under Caribbean

Tagged as , , , , , ,

January 27, 2017 · 9:42 am

Blacktip Island Scuba Instructor Launches Underwater Ventriloquism Course

underwater-ventril

Bobo the Monkfish is one of Alison Diesel’s teaching aids for her Underwater Ventriloquist specialty course at Blacktip Island’s Eagle Ray Cove resort. (photo courtesy of Alison Diesel)

A Blacktip Island divemaster has developed the industry’s first underwater ventriloquist specialty course, the Caribbean island’s Eagle Ray Cove resort announced Thursday.

“It started with me and Marina throwing our voices underwater so divers’d think fish were talking,” course author Alison Diesel said. “And there’s already an underwater mime course, so this seemed like the next logical step.

“Water’s denser than air, so sound travels even faster,” Diesel said. “It makes underwater venting so much easier. I’m stunned no one’s done this before.”

Experts say underwater ventriloquism is small step from above-water ventriloquism.

“You have the same issue with making the labial sounds – f, v, p, b, m and w – without closing your lips,” course graduate Gage Hoase said. “But you can’t make those sounds with a regulator in your mouth, anyway. It all comes together pretty quick with a little practice.”

Students construct their own dummies for the course’s final checkout dive.

“Wetsuited sidekicks are standard,” Diesel said. “But we also see tacky tourists, lionfish and even a dive light. We work on developing a character for the dummy that’s totally different from the student’s personality.”

The course is not without its detractors.

“It’s creepy, OK? I said it,” said Sand Spit bartender Cori Anders. “We banned Ali’s students from practicing at the bar. There were too many fights, usually between drunks and the dummies. On Blacktip, it’s hard to tell them apart.”

Industry insiders were harsher.

“Ventriloquism? In 2017? You can to the same thing with an underwater mike and speaker,” said Club Scuba Doo dive manager Finn Kiick. “And it gives scuba instruction a black eye. What scam course will it be next, underwater basket weaving?

“There’s a safety issue, too,” Kiick said. “There’s been accidents, but Ali covers them up.”

Diesel was quick to defend her classes.

“Yeah, we had one unfortunate incident where a student had a, what do you call it, psychotic break while practicing,” she said. “But that was a one-off.

“He was the most laid-back dude you’d ever meet,” Diesel said. “But his dummy, Marker Buoy Mickey, had Tourette’s bad. Mickey hacked off everyone on the reef, and we couldn’t shut him up. Someone finally sent Mickey over the wall wrapped in a 20-pound weight belt.”

Students, meanwhile, raved about the course.

“They start you slow with basic no-lip talking, then work up to the sound substitutions for the lipped sounds,” Eagle Ray Divers guest Charlie McCarthy said. “Underwater, you talk real fast so your voice sounds realistic. Kind of like that clue-egg in the Harry Potter movie. But backwards.”

Eagle Ray Divers offers the course through PADI, NAUI and SSI. NAUI students required to do final performance without a mask or regulator.

“And we actually do have plans for a basket weaving course, where students use turtle grass and sea weed salvaged from the beach,” Diesel said.

Leave a comment

Filed under Caribbean, Scuba Diving

Tagged as , , , , , , , ,

January 20, 2017 · 8:08 am

Dermott Bottoms Is Blacktip Island’s First Private Eye

dermott-pi

Dermott Bottoms has opened a private investigative service on Blacktip Island, the first of its kind on the small Caribbean island. (photo courtesy of Gary Halvorson, Oregon State Archives)

Blacktip Islanders seeking help with unsolved crimes and hard-to-find information have a new champion as of Wednesday, when long-time resident Dermott Bottoms received his private investigator’s license from the Caribbean Association of Research Professionals.

“Lots of happenings on Blacktip Island, not all of ‘em good,” Bottoms said. “What people need is someone unofficial to help when the police won’t.

“Grew up dreaming of being an inquiry agent, see,” Bottoms said. “‘Dermott Bottoms, P.I.,’ y’know? And I’m out and about anyway, hearing things and seeing things. Thought to myself, ‘all right, then, why not mix business and pleasure?’”

Many residents welcomed the new investigative service.

“This’ll keep Dermott occupied, and I don’t suppose he can do too much damage,” said retiree Frank Maples. “Of course, it’s hard to go undercover or disguise yourself when you’re 6’6” and 300 pounds. And blind drunk by noon.

“Cyber surveillance could be his wheelhouse,” Maples said. “If he can learn how to switch on a computer. Last week he strapped on a hidden camera, but got the ‘on’ and ‘off’ reversed and ended up with video of himself in the Eagle Ray Cove toilet. The clients weren’t happy.”

Other locals were more skeptical.

“We need a PI on Blacktip?” the former-Reverend Jerrod Ephesians said. “There’s the Ballyhoo happy hour for information, and a policeman for crimes. All this does is get Dermott’s talking like Humphrey Bogart. It was funny at first, but now it’s just annoying.”

Others concurred.

“The last thing this island needs is another dick, private or otherwise,” divemaster Alison Diesel said. “It’s creepy, him following me around, peeking my the windows at night. After I hired him to find my bike.

“He should get his nose punched, sticking it in other peoples’ business,” Diesel said. “Only he’s, well, Dermott, and no one’s that suicidal.”

Island authorities downplayed the gumshoe’s impact.

“As long as Dermott’s not driving a moving vehicle, I don’t care,” said Island Police Constable Rafe Marquette. “I’m not sure he’ll get many cases, anyway. He found a lost bike, but the island’s only a mile wide.

“True, I’ve arrested him once for trespassing. And twice for stalking,” Marquette said. “But the next morning I just turn him loose after he sleeps it off.

Bottoms admits he’s still learning the finer points of his new profession.

“One big case already, but that dame, she played me, y’know,” he said. “Shoulda seen it coming, that double-, triple-cross. But I’m a sucker for a big brunette. Won’t happen again, though. Not often, anyway.

“I’m not Sam Spade, but I am Blacktip,” Bottoms said. “My motto’s: ‘Dermott gets to the bottom of everything.’ And if people don’t have money, they can pay in beer.”

Leave a comment

Filed under Caribbean

Tagged as , , , , ,

January 13, 2017 · 7:16 am

Blacktip Island Cullers Will Hunt Human ‘Lionfish’ Saturday

mock-lionfish

Eagle Ray Divers divemaster Lee Helm, in a semi-closed circuit rebreather, practices swimming away as fast as he can Thursday in a warm up for Saturday’s Sons and Daughters of the Reef Mock Lionfish Hunt on Blacktip Island’s west coast. (photo courtesy of Peter Southwood)

In response to animal rights protests, Blacktip Island’s Sons and Daughters of the Reef hunt club will substitute a local divemaster for a lionfish in their inaugural Mock Lionfish Cull for charity Saturday afternoon on the island’s west side.

“More and more clubs worldwide are doing these mock hunts,” said S&DR Master-of-Fish Gage Hoase. “The prey, usually a fox, is replaced with a human, and the hunters still get a great chase.

“This cull’ll keep the fish huggers happy and draw good press,” Hoase said. “Plus, truth be told, we’re running out of lionfish on Blacktip. People are spearing and eating so many of them.”

Club officers selected the local divemaster with the most customer complaints during the past year as the Designated Lionfish.

“We’re sticking Lee Helm in a lionfish suit and dropping him on the reef,” S&DR Huntsperson-at-Arms Alison Diesel said. “We’ll give him five minutes, then turn the cullers loose with their spears.

“It’s nowhere near as harsh as it sounds,” Diesel added. “Lee’ll have a rebreather, so bubbles won’t give him away. And a Kevlar suit that’ll turn just about any spear point. Or so we’re told.”

Local fish rights activists say the switch to human prey, while not a perfect solution, is a step in the right direction.

“If the Designated Lionfish is human, and sort-of volunteers, we have no problem with that,” Society for Providing Lionfish-Appropriate Training president Palometa Fischer said. “Ideally, though, they’d jab him with real lionfish spines to make him really feel persecuted.”

Lionfish stand-in Lee Helm expressed reservations.

“There’s no ‘volunteer’ to it,” Helm said. “They just held me down and jammed that bloody costume on me. Someone – Marina, I’ll wager – even speared my neck ‘by accident.’

“The only choice I have is to jump in on my own, properly weighted, or be tossed in with 40 pounds duct-taped to me,” Helm said. “These people are out for blood.”

Hunt club members say the vote for Helm was unanimous.

“Lee’s an obnoxious little git that pisses off everyone, staff and guests alike,” said culler Marina DeLow. “We’re all looking forward for the chance to prang him good, point-blank.”

Other echoed the sentiment.

“If the suit doesn’t stop a spear or two, well, it couldn’t happen to a more deserving guy,” said culler Casey Piper. “You can’t spear Lee enough, really.”

Hunt organizers expect a record 35-40 cullers to participate.

“There’re members with real grudges against Lee,” Hoase said. “We’ve warned everyone not to aim for exposed skin, but you never know what’ll happen in the heat of the hunt. We’ll have the nurse standing by. And lots of bandages.

“On the up side, we’ve never had a turnout this big,” Hoase said. “We may make Lee our permanent Designated Lionfish. Probably best to put it to a vote, though.”

Proceeds from the hunt go to the Coral Reef Protection Fund.

Leave a comment

Filed under Caribbean, Scuba Diving

Tagged as , , , , , , ,