Blacktip Island Restaurant Serves Not-As-It-Seems Food

orzo it seems

A plate of eggplant Parmesan, and spaghetti with sauce, is anything but what it looks like at Blacktip Island’s newest restaurant, Orzo It Seems. (photo courtesy of Famartin)

A Blacktip Island eatery this week converted its menu to meals, sides and beverages disguised as unrelated Italian dishes as a way to attract jaded island diners, restaurant owners said.

“Folks are tired of the same old burger-and-fries offerings,” Orzo It Seems owner and chef Bill Fisch said. “Our customer numbers had dropped, so we had to do something and, frankly, there was nothing to lose. There’s no Italian restaurants on the island, so we revamped our menu to fill that niche. Then, to make things interesting, we used alternative ingredients to make sure everything tastes completely different from what it looks like.

“We rebranded as ‘Orzo It Seems,’ and so far, it’s been a rousing success,” Fisch said. “The aim’s to attract diners by making food an adventure again. Order the linguine, you get noodle-looking squid strips. That yummy-looking gelato? It’s really frozen oxtail puree. Folks love it! And it’s fun watching their reactions.”

Diners praised the concept.

“The menu’s like a box of those fancy chocolates—there’s no telling what you’ll end up with,” Peachy Bottoms said. “I ordered the mushroom risotto, and got riced conch topped with sea grapes. Everything they serve is actual food—it’s not like they’re serving dirt or bugs or palm fronds. Oh, and you want to think twice before you order the ‘chocolate surprise.’”

Other customers weren’t so complimentary.

“My veal piccata was vegan cheese, coated with crunched-up Fruit Loops,” George Graysby said. “And the ‘capers’ were really green peppercorns. I spit that crap right out. Then, when I tried to wash the taste away with my Chianti, I got a mouthful of sour beet juice. That and the plate of food went back to the kitchen. Through the pass. As hard as I could throw ‘em. Last time I’ll go to that damn place.”

Island business leaders are cautiously optimistic.

“We’re getting all sorts of calls about Orzo It Seems, so it’s getting tons of off-island buzz,” Blacktip Island Chamber of Commerce president Led Waite said. “If it gets people to visit Blacktip, that means more business for resorts and dive ops and gift shops, and that benefits everybody. Personally, I wouldn’t put anything they serve in my mouth, not for money or on a dare, but if it boosts the island economy, I’m behind it 100 percent.”

Fisch admits Orzo It Seems is not for everyone.

“We cater to a certain customer, one who likes to play with their food,” he said. “It’s something different. Lord knows this little rock needs that. And bottom line, we’re not forcing anyone to eat here. You don’t like our peaches, don’t shake our tree.”

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TGIW

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Blacktip Island Weather

sunday feb 13

Sunday, February 13, 2022
Temperature: 81
Humidity 64%
Precipitation – Seriously?

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Blacktip Island Resort Debuts Attitude Diving Course

attitude diver

A Club Scuba Doo diver openly mocks a young manta ray on Blacktip Island’s Jawfish Reef Wednesday as part of her Attitude Diving’specialty course certification. (photo courtesy of Steve Dunleavy)

Blacktip Island’s Club Scuba Doo dive resort this week launched a new Attitude Diving specialty course after a typographical error resulted in multiple angry divers in its dive shop, the resort’s dive manager said.

“We were trying to boost the specialty courses we offer, and figured we’d do an Altitude Diver class for a laugh,” CSD dive manager Finn Kiick said. “Problem was, we didn’t realize there was a typo. Not until a half-dozen a-holes with masks and fins showed up. We weren’t laughing then.

“When they found out there’d been a mix up, they got even more hacked off,” Kiick said. “They by-God wanted that class, and were gonna get it, come hell or high water. We had to make up lesson plans, pronto, before they all went aggro on us.”

Other instructors concurred.

“From the looks of things, a lot of them didn’t need the course,” CSD divemaster Christina Goby said. “Why take the course if you already have an attitude? And, really, ‘attitude’ is a pretty subjective term, with each person on their own sliding scale. But if they’re willing to part with money, we’ll teach ‘em to be pains on the reef and complain on the boat.”

Students say the course is a breath of fresh air.

“Everybody goes on about how relaxing diving is. That’s ‘cause they’ve made it so ‘kumbaya,’” Marlin White said. “We need to put the excitement back in scuba. Make it a sport again. That’s why I jumped at the chance to take this course. You gotta break some eggs to make an omelet, and I’m just the egg breaker for the job.

“They told me I was already aggravated!” White said. “What the hell kind of comment is that? I showed ‘em ‘aggravated, then made ‘em gimme the course to teach ‘em a lesson. If they drop me on a crap dive, I’ll tell ‘em it was a crap dive. And I’ll go as deep as I want for as long as I want.”

Other resorts were taking a different approach.

“Instead of teaching guests to dive with an attitude, we’re running a course that shows them how to ditch the attitude,” Blacktip Haven resort owner Elena Havens said. “The last thing we need is more divers with chips on their shoulders.

“We start with meditation sessions at the bar, then take them out to the reef to meditate while they Buddha hover over the coral. It calms even the stoutest curmudgeons. Well, that and the powdered Valium we slip in the water coolers.”

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Wednesday! Yay!

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Blacktip Island Weather

sunday feb 6

Sunday, February, 2022

Temperature: 77

Humidity 63%

Precipitation – Not today

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Blacktip Island Literary Society Begins Growing Organic Poetry

Aeromonas hydrophila

The shredded bits of Anne Bradstreet’s poem Contemplations are being transformed into a new poem in a laboratory dish at the Blacktip Island Poesy Society. The poem is one of a dozen poems society members are growing organically. (photo courtesy of Stefan Wolkowski)


The Blacktip Island Poesy Society this week announced members have begun an organic poetry contest to discover if, under the right conditions, literature can be grown in Petri dishes, BIPS members said.

“We all wanted to work on something different, not rehash the same old sonnets and couplets,” BIPS prefect Doris Blenny said. “Joey Pompano mentioned organic poetry, and we figured, ‘well, why not’ The idea caught fire from there.

“Each member chose their favorite poet, shredded a poem by that poet and put the scraps in a Petri dish with the saline solution of their choice,” Blenny said. “There’s already growth in all of them, but we can’t make out any words yet. For now, it’s mostly just green scum, but that’s exciting in itself.”

Society members say the experiment has multiple aims.

“We want to grow new poetry, sure, but we also want to see if the style and syntax changes,” Corrie Anders said. “Will a Kipling poem produce another poem with rhyming couplets, or will it morph into free verse? We could have a situation where theme and sensibility change radically with the passage of time. And the strength of the saline solutions.

“We’re working with poems in English from across the spectrum,” Anders said. “I’m doing John Donne. Lee’s Helm’s doing a translated page from the Iliad. Marina DeLow’s got Edna St. Vincent Millay. Hugh Calloway’s working with Christina Rosetti. And ‘Tonio Fletcher picked Ezra Pound—no telling what’ll grow out of that one.”

Literary experts cast doubt on the experiment.

“Organic poetry is literary work springing naturally from the author’s connection to the world around him or her,” Tiperon University-Blacktip literature adjunct Edwin Chub said. “It’s not something literally grown from organic matter. Seriously?

“It’s based on the idea of man and nature being part of the same form, and the poem’s meaning springs from that,” Chub said. “The goal isn’t to literally spawn new poems from older ones. The only thing the BIPS people are going to grow in their dishes is algae.”

BIPS members brushed aside that criticism.

“Old stick-in-the-mud Edwin can read, and believe, whatever he wants,” Antonio Fletcher said. “We’re creating a new art form. They laughed at Emily Dickinson with her dashes and slant rhymes. They laughed at Chaucer writing in English. We’re not gonna be constrained by hidebound mockery.

“Me, I mixed a little iguana poop in with my Pound-and-saline, just to see what that’ll produce,” Fletcher said. “And when everybody’s finished growing their poems, we’re gonna harvest ‘em and have a poetry slam to show off our creations. You’ll see.”

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Pod? He don’t need no stinkin’ pod:

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Blacktip Island Weather

sunday jan 30

Sunday, January 30, 2022

Temperature: 68

Humidity 52%

Precipitation – Not a chance

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Blacktip Island Distillery Inadvertently Creates Hallucinogenic Whiskey

hallucinogenic whiskey

Blacktip Island’s wild chortleberries are the key ingredient in Seaberry, the new hallucinogenic whiskey being distilled on the small Caribbean Island. (photo by Paloma Fairlead/BTT staff)

Blacktip Island’s sole distillery, attempting diversify its product line, this week inadvertently created a batch of rye whiskey with hallucinogenic properties, distillery owners said.

“We were trying to come up with an island-themed, flavor-enhanced whiskey to appeal to a niche market,” Bunghole Distillery owner Lefty Wright said. “Rosie Blenny suggested we use native Blacktip chortleberries, since the birds and iguanas love ‘em, so we added a handful to one of our ageing barrels. It taste’s phenomenal. We call it ‘Seaberry Rye.’

“What we didn’t know is Caribbean chortleberries are a natural source of psilocybin—that’s why wildlife likes ‘em,” Wright said. “And apparently the distilling process enhances the effects. First hint we had something was amiss was Alison Diesel complaining her left hand had stopped breathing. Then Gage Hoase belly-crawled onto the road and just lay there, soaking up the heat with the iguanas. Our marketing folks are in high gear figuring the best way to promote this stuff.”

Island residents praised the new whiskey.

“Seaberry’s quite lovely,” Reg Gurnard said. “It tastes of a nice, dry, small-batch rye, then it takes one on a brief holiday. No telling where you’ll be when the berries wear off. That’s part of the allure. When I came back down this morning, I found myself sitting on the edge of the bluff, staring down at the sea. That was quite the eye opener!”

Local authorities had a dimmer view of the new product.

“This is precisely what we warned about when Lefty got that liquor license,” Island Police Constable Rafe Marquette said. “Lack of oversight leads to irresponsible brewing, and distribution of dangerous substances. It’s a public menace. People who consume this hooch put themselves and others in danger.

“Just today I found Jessie Catahoula perched on top of a power pole, with her shorts on her head, insisting she was a kingbird,” Marquette said. “She said she flew up there. I had to fly up and get her down. We need to shut that distillery. Yesterday.”

Distillery owners, however, plan to step up production.

“Folks can’t get enough of Seaberry. We’d be crazy to stop making it,” Wright said. “We’re not doing anything illegal. People just need to partake in moderation and exercise some personal responsibility. Worst case, tie yourself to a tree before taking a drink.

“There’s an upside to all this, once you know what to expect,” Wright said. “Just yesterday Elena Havens spent the afternoon watching a giant eye on the ceiling chant, ‘love, love, love’ at her. What could be more positive than that? We didn’t mean to make a hallucinogen, but now that we have, we’re gonna keep catering to Blacktippers wants and needs ‘til somebody makes us stop.”

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