Blacktip Island Weather

29

Sunday, December 18, 2022

Temperature: 83

Humidity: 61%

Precipitation: Not a chance

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Blacktip Island Carolers Bloodied, Routed By Crazed Iguanas

iguanas attack carolers

French fry-craving sand iguanas attacked Blacktip Island holiday carolers Wednesday night, sending eight to the small Caribbean island’s medical clinic. (photo courtesy of Jimi World)

Holiday carol singers going door to door Wednesday night had their procession cut short when they were attacked by a hungry group of Blacktip Island’s native sand iguanas, sending eight carolers to the island medical clinic for stitches and tetanus shots, local authorities said.

“They came out of nowhere, with no warning, a dozen of them, at least” Jessie Catahoula said. “We’d just started ‘Good King Wenceslaus’ when they swarmed out of the sea grapes. Big, bull-iguanas. They don’t have teeth, but they still bite like hell. And those claws’ll shred flesh—they fight off feral cats, you know.

“A first wave of three or four hit, then the rest came charging out,” Catahoula said. “It went from ‘O Holy Night’ to ‘Hell Night.’ They were clawing people’s legs and scaling up their backs. Carolers were screaming, running every-which-way to get away, with iguanas chasing them down the road and through the bushes. Fannie Bottoms fell, and they swarmed all over her. I haven’t seen her since.”

Authorities say the onslaught was food related.

“Big problem on the island with tourists feeding the iguanas French fries,” Island Police Constable Rafe Marquette said. “They’re herbivores, but just like the rest of us, they prefer fries. Got so bad, we declared a moratorium on iguana feeding two months ago to keep folks from getting hurt.

“That appears to have been the trigger Wednesday,” Marquette said. “Little Shelly Bottoms brought a big bag of fries with her, and shared them with the other carolers. The whole group reeked of fried potatoes, the iguanas hadn’t had fries in months, and that sparked a feeding frenzy. Got to remember, these are wild animals.”

Religious authorities said the incident has put a damper on holiday festivities.

“Normally we’d be fully in the Christmas spirit, but now folks are just in shock,” the Reverend Pierre Grunt said. “This could have been any one of us getting mauled out there. All future caroling has been canceled, I can assure you. Everyone’s just too traumatized.

“Folks are hesitant to order fries with their meals, too,” Grunt said. “And frankly, some are scared to cook turkey or mashed potatoes or anything else that might smell like fries and bring the iguana horde down on them. We’ll bounce back, but it’s taken the cheer out of the season.”

Island health authorities are offering free counseling to all carolers. No culls of aggressive iguanas are planned, though the mayor’s office has issued a ban on French fry consumption everywhere except inside island restaurants with securable doors.

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Wednesday! Yay!

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Blacktip Island Weather

28

Sunday, December 11, 2022

Temperature: 81

Humidity: 64%

Precipitation: Nooope

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Walking Coral Head Discovered On Blacktip Island

walking coral head

The colony of Blacktip Island walking staghorn coral, found this week by island divemasters, is the only-known specimen of the once-believed-extinct species. (photo courtesy of Gage Hoase)

A rare subspecies of staghorn coral, native solely to Blacktip Island and thought extinct for more than 30 years, was rediscovered by members of an island resort’s dive staff, island marine biologists said.

“We went to show our divers one of the only stands of staghorn on the island, and it wasn’t there,” Eagle Ray Divers divemaster Gage Hoase said. “We thought some yahoo’d torn it up for a souvenir, then we spotted it—the exact, same, tangle of coral—50 feet away, about 15 feet deeper, by the drop off.

“We’d heard stories of Blacktip Island walking coral, but passed them off as a local myth,” Hoase said. “But this coral head uprooted itself, then re-rooted in a completely different place. That’s the only explanation. There was no drugs or booze in us at all.”

The discovery stunned island old-timers.

“Walking staghorn used to be all over the place here, before climate change and ocean acidification and human refuse took its toll,” island historian Smithson Atschul said. “The last known sighting was back in the early 90s. We thought it was extinct. But now, this is exciting news.

“Firstly, it tells us the environment’s healthier than we thought, if walking coral can re-establish itself,” Altschul said. “Since it moved to deeper water, that also tells us the water quality, or temperature or both are more conducive to growth at that depth. Divers’ll be looking for more coral there along the wall’s edge.”

Local biologists praised the find.

“Blacktip walking staghorn was, is, a migratory sub-species,” marine cryptobiology professor Ginger Bass said. “They can perambulate, like sea anemones, but are harder. We’ve long suspected there were colonies down deep over the wall—this is one of the most resilient corals in the world, and would never be killed off so easily.

“If you study those long, thin arms, you can see they’re made for gripping sand and substrate,” Bass said. “The corals were obviously threatened in the shallows and moved to safer waters. With this resurgence, our goal now is to install underwater video cameras all over the wall to record the migration.”

The island’s business community is promoting the coral.

“A one-of-a-kind thing like this, it’ll put us on the diving map,” the island’s Chamber of Commerce president Piers ‘Doc’ Plank said. “There’s gonna be people from all over coming to see it and film it and study it. That means lots of business for dive companies, hotels and restaurants. Well, restaurant, singular, since that’s all we have.

“We’re gonna put a fence around this bit we know about so it doesn’t wander too far away,” Plank said. “Eagle Ray Divers is also offering rebreather courses so people can go sit in the sand for hours and wait for the coral to move.”

Eagle Ray Divers is not disclosing the coral head’s location until it can be safeguarded.

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Finally made it to Wednesday

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Blacktip Island Weather

27

Sunday, December 4, 2022

Temperature: 84

Humidity: 68%

Precipitation: Passing south

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Blacktip Island High School Reunion Highlights Weekend

BI HS reunion

Coconuts have been gathered for the charity coconut toss—one of the events to be featured at Blacktip Island High School’s inaugural reunion this weekend. (photo courtesy of Ravi Dwivedi)

Blacktip Island High School alumni will gather at the Sand Spit bar this Saturday and Sunday for the school’s inaugural reunion, event organizers said.

“We’ve never had a reunion, so we thought it’s time we had one,” reunion chair Doris Blenny said. “BIHS doesn’t graduate students every year, or even every other year, so we decided to have a general reunion for everyone and not worry so much about the years and classes and such.

“It should be fun to see where all the old classmates are now, what they’re up to,” Blenny said. “I’m hoping all six show up. So far, we have confirmations from Rosie Bottoms, James Conlee and Linford Blenny, so our fingers are crossed. It should be a hoot.”

Organizers have a full schedule of events planned.

“Things kick off with a Friday evening cocktail mixer—or as we usually call it, ‘Friday night,’” Rosie Bottoms said. “We’re doing name tags with old school-days photos to make it even more painful. We had to use a teenage-years jail mugshot for cousin Dermott, but that helps bring back so many memories.

“We’ll also have a Jog That Memory game, a charity coconut toss and a beach cookout,” Bottoms said. “Saturday we’ll all watch the school’s dominoes team in action versus our arch rivals, those rat bastards from Tiperon High. We were going to do speeches, too, but that could get people hurt, especially after the cocktail mixer.”

Most attendees embraced the event.

“Be fun reliving the old days,” James Conlee said. “Me and Goldie Goby, we was always skipping class. But there were only so many places we could go, so we always got caught. Probly sneak out of this reunion, too, for old times’ sake. Don’t remember any classes—far as I know, school’s still never had anyone on its honor roll.”

Others vowed to stay away.

“Why in the world would anyone want to relive high school?” Ginger Bass said. “If I wanted that kind of torture, I’d just whack myself in the head with a hammer. Repeatedly. If folks drifted apart and never reconnected in all these years, there’s a reason for that. Best to let sleeping former classmates lie.”

The reunion will conclude with all alumni performing as the school marching band at the island’s Heritage House. Instruments will be issued randomly to all attendees.

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Dolphin Time!

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Blacktip Island Weather

26

Sunday, November 27

Temperature: 81

Humidity: 66%

Precipitation: Not today, Satan

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