The Blacktip Times

Peachy Bottoms’ store has locked Blacktip Island’s few remaining batteries in a safe amid the spate of battery thefts on the small Caribbean island. (photo courtesy of Peachy Bottoms)

Thefts this week of batteries of all types have inconvenienced Blacktip Island residents and left authorities scratching their heads over a motive for the thefts.

“There’s nothing of any great value being stolen, just batteries and things with built-in batteries,” Island Police Constable Rafe Marquette said. “There’s not a battery to be had on the island. If this’s some kind of ecological protest, the perpetrator hasn’t released a statement or made any demands.

“At this point is seems like an elaborate prank, aimed at inconveniencing folks,” Marquette said. “Thing is, whoever’s doing it’s going into people’s houses and cars and boats without permission. That’s illegal. I have a list of complaints as long as my arm. Whoever’s doing this will slip up eventually. They will be apprehended.”

The thefts have angered residents.

“Whoever may not be going after valuables, but they created a giant pain in the ass,” Vera Cuda said. “They stole the batteries out of my remotes,” “My TV doesn’t have controls on it—you have to use a remote. It’s just gathering dust ‘til I can get new AAs shipped in. If they don’t get swiped in the mail.

“Stole the battery out of my car, too,” Cuda said. “When I find out who did it, I’m gonna make sure he or she has to ride a bike for a long time. And tie them up next to the dump. This island’s is getting real stinky since they stole the garbage truck’s battery.”

The island store has been hard hit as well.

“First there was a run on batteries,” store owner Peachy Bottoms said. “Then someone broke in and snagged every battery from behind the counter. What batteries I have left—from little hearing-aid jobbies to scooter batteries—are locked up in the office safe. Whoever this modern-day Luddite is, they’re wreaking havoc.”

Items with built-in batteries are also disappearing.

“There’s not an electric toothbrush or sex toy to be had on the island,” Marina DeLow said. “If it’s some loony eco-warrior, they’ve made their point. If it’s a joke, it’s not funny anymore. Frankly, it’s the kind of performance-art gag Payne Hanover or Jerrod Ephesians would pull.

“It’s killing scuba tourism, too,” DeLow said. “With no batteries for dive computers, everybody’s doing old-school table dives. Guests are getting half the dive time they used to and’re pissed about it. Plus, two dive boats are out of commission with their batteries gone.”

Payne Hanover would neither confirm or deny theft accusations. Jerrod Ephesians was at a meditative retreat with the monks of St. Dervil and could not be reached for comment.