Blacktip Island Weather
Sunday, April 23, 2023
Temperature: 81
Humidity: 72%
Precipitation: Gonna be a scorcher
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Blacktip Island Judge Codifies Right To Be Rude
Blacktip Island judge Harry Bottoms approved a new law protecting residents right to be rude to each other. (photo illustration courtesy of Blogtrepreneur)
A Blacktip Island magistrate Thursday approved controversial legislation guaranteeing island residents the right to be publicly rude to each other, making certain minor public disturbances legal.
“It’s about time this passed,” Alison Diesel said. “Friday, Saturday nights, any little comment’ll set somebody off, then Rafe Marquette has to haul them to jail for some rando verbal dust-up. Same at the store, when folks get banned for complaining about the prices. Now, we can bitch about all kinds of little things with no legal blow back.
“Blacktippers have a natural flair for rudeness, and punishing us for that wasn’t right,” Diesel said. “It also covers folks’ rights to be rude right back, so it’s a cool two-edged sword. Lets people bicker and snark and be a-holes and go about their business.”
Island authorities praised the ruling.
“There’s been times, trying to keep the peace, I’d run out of jail space,” Island Police Constable Rafe Marquette said. “Only got the one cell, you know, so it fills up fast. People used to be charged with starting trouble, but now that’s done with. This lets me concentrate on physical altercations and ignore the yelling matches.”
Others were more cautious.
“Big worry’s people may take advantage of the new law,” de facto island mayor Jack Cobia said. “Locals going out of their way to be rude, well, that could chase away tourists, and then where’d we be? All out of work, that’s where. At minimum, there needs to be a stipulation you can’t be rude to tourists. Harry’s a dumbass for passing this law.”
Island judge Harry Bottoms disagreed.
“Jack’s a dumbass for making that statement,” he said. “But then, that’s always been his stock-in-trade. This law’s is based on the strong precedents set in Chromis v. Ray and Damsel v. Goby. It frees up vital community resources and puts responsibility on the individual. Folks that don’t like it need to toughen up, grow a thicker skin.
“Also, the law does not protect the consequences of being rude,” Bottoms said. “Anything that goes beyond verbal fireworks’ll still be prosecuted vigorously. This has been a long time in coming.”
Mayor Cobia plans to appeal the decision. Bottoms, the only judge on the small Caribbean island, has promised to ignore the appeal.
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Scotty always was a bit different . . .
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Blacktip Island Weather
Sunday, April 16, 2023
Temperature: 89
Humidity: 71%
Precipitation: Nope
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Wampus Cat Sightings Have Blacktip Island Residents On Edge
A footprint of the alleged wampus cat, near the Last Ballyhoo bar on blacktip Island’s southern tip. (photo courtesy of manu2548)
Multiple wampus cat sightings on Blacktip Island have residents worried, and forced authorities Thursday to issue a public safety warning concerning the creature.
“Not exactly sure what we’re dealing with, but, judging by the footprints, it’s big,” Island Police Constable Rafe Marquette said. “Look like cat tracks, but I’ve never seen anything bigger than a feral cat on Blacktip.
“Folks are reporting a big cat-looking critter more and more often, down south by the Last Ballyhoo,” Marquette said. “We’re asking all residents to be cautious, especially in that area. If you have to go out at night, always travel in groups of at least two people. And bring two sticks to knock together.”
Long-time residents were the first to find the animal’s tracks.
“I was poking around on the bluff, looking for mango trees, when I saw the first track,” Eagle Ray Cove manager, former-Reverend Jerrod Ephesians said. “It looked like a cat print, but the size of my hand. And fresh. I thought, ‘Holly hell! That’s from a wampus cat!’ You can bet I high-tailed it out of there.
“There’s always been weird animal noises in the bush down that way,” Ephesians said. “And there’s always been wampus cat tales. I’ve never heard of one attacking people, but I’m not taking any chances. I’m carrying a machete any time I’m down that way.”
Other locals claim to have seen the creature.
“I was driving back from the Ballyhoo Saturday night when I saw it in the road just ahead of me,” Payne Hanover said. “It paused, gave me a toothy roar, then bounded into the bushes. It was a minute or so before I could drive off, I was shaking so bad.
“There’s been pet food and laundry going missing down there, too,” Ephesians said. “With a mouth full of teeth like that, it’s got to be a danger to people. And pets. You hear about things like this, but you never think you’ll see them. There’s been rumors, and now we have proof.”
Some in the community doubt the reports.
“There is absolutely zero evidence of anything that big living anywhere on the island,” Tiperon University-Blacktip genetics professor Vera Cuda said. “A carnivore that large? What does it eat and where does it poop? This is just another crypto megafauna hoax. I mean, if Jerrod and Payne are the ones reporting sightings, I know it’s bogus.”
However, long-time residents confirmed the creature’s existence.
“That wampus cat’s real, and a terror,” shopkeeper Peachy Bottoms said. “Got my great-uncle Cooter and his son Bell, back in the ‘30s. That was a bad time. I seen it again last week. We got to be proactive in getting rid of it.
“Grandpa used torches, a grappling hook and Old Spice back then,” Bottoms said. “Kept it away for 50, 60 years. If this is the same one. It’ll be lurking up on the bluff. We’ll smoke it out, though.”
Meanwhile, Eagle Ray Cove has launched a wampus cat tourism initiative.
“We’re doing wampus cat identification courses, and running wampus cat safaris,” Ephesians said. “We’re also selling wampus cat shirts and hats, and have a new Cat Scratch Fever cocktail at the bar. Our guests are eating this stuff up.”
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Blacktip Island Weather
Sunday, April 9, 2023
Temperature: 87
Humidity: 68%
Precipitation: Not a chance
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Self-Driving Scuba Scooters Wreak Havoc On Blacktip Island Reefs
‘Doc’ Plank, owner of Bamboo You scuba outfitters, shows off the company’s new ‘Jacques’ self-driving diver propulsion device on a Blacktip Island reef Thursday afternoon. (photo courtesy of Marco Busdraghi)
A Blacktip Island entrepreneur this week released the ‘Jacques,’ a line of self-driving underwater diver propulsion devices, sparking controversy among the small Caribbean island’s scuba-diving guests and dive staffs.
“This is the wave of the future,” Bamboo You owner Piers ‘Doc’ Plank said. “We can either get out in front of it, or drown in it. Divers today don’t want to kick. They just want to look at fish. The ‘Jacques’ scooter lets them do that.
“With this new generation of DPVs, you just carabiner yourself to it with the included ‘Jacques Strap,’ and it’ll take you on a tour of the reef at whatever speed you want,” Plank said. “It’s got terrain sensors, and all the island dive sites have been programmed into its GPS. And they’re made of 100-percent-recycled water bottles, and use green batteries.”
Dive staff had mixed opinions about the devices.
“Doc gave each dive company one of these new gizmos so we could lead dives with ‘em,” Eagle Ray Divers divemaster Alison Diesel said. “They’re pretty bad-ass, looks- and performance-wise. Even if he is just using us for marketing. I can chase king-hell out of any fish on the reef.”
Others were alarmed by the scooters.
“These things’ll put us all out of jobs,” Blacktip Haven divemaster Booger Bottoms said. “Pretty soon all the guests’ll have them and they won’t need us. Ol’ Doc’s already working on an app that’ll give a running commentary about what critters they’re seeing on the dive. This’s an existential threat to our way of life.”
Some users complained of safety issues.
“I was out on Wahoo Reef this morning on a Jacques, and it self-steered me into three, four coral heads,” Joey Pompano said. “BAM! I’m still bleeding from the last one. You have no idea where that thing’ll take you. It ran into other divers, too. I tried to explain it was the scooter, not me, but folks weren’t having it.
“The really scary thing, though, was Finn up at Club Scuba Doo had a Jacques blow up mid-dive,” Pompano said. “Not sure what a ‘green battery’ is, but you overload ‘em, they’ll explode, right in your face. There’s also been people hacking these things and sending divers all over creation.”
Plank brushed aside those concerns.
“Sure, we’re working out a few kinks, but this is still a better DPV that anything else on the market,” he said. “As for putting folks out of work, they just need to take advantage of the new opportunities the Jacques will create.”
Plank would neither confirm nor deny reports of Jacques ramming multiple snorkelers, and singling out young children in particular.
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The Blacktip Times 