Sunday, December 17, 2023
Temperature: 83
Humidity: 64%
Precipitation: Could be
Category Archives: Scuba Diving
Rioting Abominable Snowmen Spoil Blacktip Island’s Christmas Play
Eight Blacktip Island residents dressed in home-made abominable snowman costumes were arrested Wednesday night after they destroyed the Blacktip Island Community Players’ audience participation version of ‘Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer.’ (photo courtesy of solarsurfer)
A group of island residents dressed as abominable snowmen ruined Blacktip Island’s Christmas play, a Rudolph Act-Along audience-participation production, Wednesday evening when they stormed the stage at the small Caribbean island’s Heritage House, attempting to join the performance en masse.
“We wanted to involve the entire community, so we sent flyers out telling folks to come as their favorite ‘Rudolph’ character and join in,” Blacktip Island Community Players director Doris Blenny said. “The problem was, everyone came dressed as the Abominable. They all charged the stage at once, each one claiming to be the real Abominable.
“Before we knew it, yelling became fisticuffs and a brawl ensued,” Blenny said. “There were Bumbles punching, kicking, biting each other. It spilled off the stage and into the crowd. They were beating each other with folding chairs at one point, and pulling out each other’s teeth. A couple of people dressed as elves arrived late, but the violence scared them away.”
Island authorities apprehended all eight brawlers.
“Riot at the Christmas play. That’s Blacktip, alright,” island police constable Rafe Marquette said. “I took away their costumes and locked ‘em all up. After Marissa at the clinic treated their wounds. Every one of them was drunk as a skunk. They’re all in the same holding cell now, in their underwear, singing ‘Holly Jolly Christmas’ about as off-key as you can get.”
Participants defended their actions.
“They said to come as your favorite Rudolph character, and that’s what I did,” Gage Hoase said. “Then James Conlee got up on stage and said he was the Bumble. I was just holding my ground. The others were the aggressors. And Dermott Bottoms didn’t even have a costume—he just came as himself.”
Others disagreed.
“Gage got no right standin’ up there sayin’ he’s the only ‘Bominable,” Dermott Bottoms said. “Don’t even know the character. The ‘Bominable’s the real hero of that story, y’know. Gage was just gonna ruin things, turn the role into a cartoon. Couldn’t let that happen. Not in the spirit of Christmas.”
Blenny said the BICC would perform a hastily-rehearsed alternative holiday play on Christmas Eve.
“Thankfully, we have an astounding amount of acting talent on the island,” she said. “We were able to cobble together a script, and will be rehearsing daily until our revised performance date. We’re doing our rendition of Dostoyevsky’s ‘The Christmas Tree and the Wedding,’ with Jessie Catahoula as Julian Mastakovich, and Lee Helm as the little girl.”
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Blacktip Island Weather
Sunday, December 10, 2023
Temperature: 84
Humidity: 68%
Precipitation: Nooope
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Blacktip Island Researchers Gene-Splice People And Fish
Blacktip Island scientists are experimenting with splicing genes from local slippery dick wrasses into island residents to make swimmers and divers more graceful in the water. (photo courtesy of Brian Gratwicke)
A group of Blacktip Island biology researchers this week announced they have had moderate success splicing reef fish genes with several island residents in an effort to make locals more at home in the water.
“Everyone loves swimming, and scuba diving, but we’re a terrestrial species, so we’re always going to be awkward in the water,” Tiperon University-Blacktip marine biology professor Ernesto Mojarra said. “After our success with external artificial gills last year, we decided to take the next logical step and try our hand at making swimmers and divers more graceful underwater.
“The trick was finding the right species of fish to use in our research,” Mojarra said. “Sharks have a fairly simple makeup, but were a little too basic, and aggressive, for our interests. Nassau groupers have great, human-like personalities but can be too headstrong. In the end we settled on the slippery dick wrasse, Halichoeres bivittatus, due to its grace and docile temperament.”
Many locals praised the idea.
“Potentially, with just minor surgery, this could transform anyone into a real-life mermaid,” Christina Goby said. “You could walk around on land like normal, then glide like a fish through the water. If they can pull this off, it could be life changing for so many of us.”
Others focused on the profitability of the research.
“Forget all the egghead breakthrough-science stuff,” Eagle Ray Cove resort owner Rich Skerritt said. “We’re already outlining new swim-like-a-fish classes and distinctive specialty scuba courses. Folks don’t just jump and swim like fish on their own. They’ll be lining up to try this new sensation, and were already working with Ernesto’s team to organize marketing and branding for them and ERC.”
Others worried about the experiment having unexpected consequences.
“There’s always a Frankenstein’s monster element in these kinds of things,” Chip Pompano said. “So far, the results’ve been innocuous, but fairly underwhelming. The gene splice just made Booger Bottoms smell like a carp. And made Lee Helm even more bug eyed. On the plus side, though, the fish genes did give Alison Diesel a bit more whish in the tail when she walks.”
Some found the procedure confusing.
“I got all excited when I saw what species of fish they were using,” Jack Wrasse said. “Thought they were going for a totally different result. Then reality hit. Don’t know why someone would go through that just to swim better.”
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Blacktip Island Weather
Sunday, December 3, 2023
Temperature: 85
Humidity: 67%
Precipitation: Seriously?
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Sand Luge Course Planned For Blacktip Island
Blacktip Island sports enthusiasts are building sand dunes to create a mile-long sand luge course on the small Caribbean island. (photo courtesy of Daniel Schwen)
Blacktip Island sports officials announced Wednesday their plans to build a luge course out of sand in order to launch what they are calling the world’s newest summer Olympic event on the small Caribbean island.
“Turns out fine, dry sand has about the same drag coefficient as ice,” Blacktip Island Athletic Society president Jay Valve said. “Problem is, Blacktip’s flat as a pancake. That’s why we’re hauling in tons of dirt and sand to create a luge track that’ll equal any ice-based course in the world.
“We’ll coat the sled bottoms with graphite, so they’ll really fly,” Valve said. “So far we’ve done trials with sleds on the beach, pulled by skiffs. We tried racing, but it got ugly when people tried to pass. We’re angling to host the 2028 Olympics, and if we get the bid, this’ll be our addition to the Games, our signature event.”
Local officials praised the project for creating jobs.
“An official luge course is right at a mile long, and has about a four hundred feet of vertical drop,” island de facto mayor Jack Cobia said. “That means all sorts of folks’ll be hired to build it over the course of a year. Also means lots of folks’ll be employed to maintain the course, too. When the sport catches on, this’ll be an international destination. It’ll give Blacktippers a renewed sense of pride.”
Not all residents are happy with the project.
“They’re wreaking havoc on the environment for the sake of a silly, made-up sport,” Christina Goby said. “Blacktip’s a tiny island, with an incredibly fragile ecosystem. This track will destroy all sorts of irreparable habitat. Not to mention the track will have to be rebuilt after every storm. The sand will blow everywhere, and the erosion runoff will choke the reefs.”
Others doubted the event’s feasibility.
“Those ice tracks are fairly solid. Sand piles, not so much,” Fanny Basslet said. “It’ll be hard to get those high, banked curves to hold together with sand. If sand lugers get as much speed as regular lugers, we’re gonna see a bunch of sledders launching themselves into the palm trees. Or the booby pond.”
Valve was undeterred by the criticism.
“This is a can’t-miss opportunity that’ll put Blacktip in the spotlight worldwide,” he said. “We’re already holding tryouts to find the best on-island lugers. Of course, we had to revise the wording on the flyers slightly after that yahoo Booger Bottoms showed up with an old World War I German pistol.”
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Blacktip Island Weather
Sunday, November 26, 2023
Temperature: 87
Humidity: 68%
Precipitation: Soon come
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Salvation Army Bell Ringer Scam Busted On Blacktip Island
Dermott Bottoms’ appearance as a Salvation Army fundraiser Thursday afternoon, dressed in Star Wars storm trooper body armor rather than a Santa costume, alerted Blacktip Island authorities to possible fraud. (photo courtesy of Jonathunder)
A Blacktip Island man impersonating a Salvation Army bell ringer, who solicit charitable donations during the holiday season, was arrested Thursday for collecting funds from holiday shoppers outside the small Caribbean island’s general store, then pocketing the money for himself, local authorities said.
“No one thought twice about it at first,” Island Police Constable Rafe Marquette said. “It’s the Salvation Army collecting for the needy this time of year. Then we realized there’s no Salvation Army on Blacktip. Or in the Tiperon Islands at all. I investigated, and it turns out it was all a scam.
“Dermott Bottoms would set himself up outside Peachy Bottoms’ store, or outside bars at closing time, ring his bell, and folks’d drop dollar after dollar in his little red bucket,” Marquette said. “He wore a Santa suit at first, but after that got torn up in a bar brawl, he switched to a Star Wars imperial stormtrooper outfit. That’s when people started getting suspicious.”
Island residents were shocked by the news.
“To think someone on Blacktip would steal like that is shocking,” Kay Valve said. “And it being this time of year makes it even worse. He took advantage of peoples’ good natures to line his pockets with cash. And his belly with rum. I’ll never get back the money I donated.”
Legal experts say Bottoms is facing multiple criminal charges.
“You’ve got false solicitation, fraud and outright theft, just to scratch the surface,” island attorney and de facto mayor Jack Cobia said. “With him setting up outside stores and bars and resorts the past 10 days, there’s no telling how much money he took in. And whether he spent it all or stashed some away. I can say he’s been drinking higher-quality rum, lately, though.”
Bottoms attacked the accusations as slander.
“Raising money for the kids. And the homeless. And widows,” he said. “Season for giving, y’know. Just not passin’ that giving on ‘til Christmas. On my own, I went to do good, and next thing, folks’re questionin’ my motives. What I believe in. Like questioning my religion.
“Churches do this all the time,” he said. “Folks never question that. Should’ve called myself a church. And will next time. Folks want to give, and I’m helping ‘em do that. Where’s the harm? And when that money gets given out, no matter where it goes, well, that’s double-givin’, isn’t it?”
Bottoms has been released on bail and had his passport seized. Authorities would neither confirm nor deny the charges he will face. Salvation Army International officials say they have no record of Bottoms being affiliated with their organization.
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The Blacktip Times 