Blacktip Island Business Releases ‘G-oprene’ Anti-5G Scuba Hoods

Blacktip Island scuba equipment manufacturer Bamboo You this week launched a line of enhanced neoprene scuba hoods designed to block the effects of 5G transmissions above and below the water, the company’s owner said.

“With everybody wound up about these 5G waves zapping their brains, we decided to seize the opportunity to make scuba diving safer for everyone,” Bamboo You founder Piers “Doc” Plank said. “We put a layer of stretchable titanium-and-manganese webbing between layers of neoprene. That suppresses any harmful high-frequency electromagnetic fields.

“This isn’t some whack-a-doo, tinfoil-lined cap craziness,” Plank said. “Foil only protects up to 3Gs. G-oprene blocks everything. University tests proved it. And combined with our G-oprene masks, it’ll block COVID, too.”

Local scuba divers praised the hoods.

“Folks laugh, but the hoods work,” Chrissy Graysby said. “Since I started diving with G-oprene, I can concentrate better and don’t panic during dives like I used to. On the boat, my head’d buzz whenever anybody’d pull out a cell phone. Now the voices have stopped. The fish can talk to me, too. I can’t talk back, of course, but still . . .”

Others stressed the hoods functioned when not diving.

“I wear mine all day, even at meals,” Rocky Shore said. “Used to be, I’d hear music buzzing through my teeth. Show tunes. Always damn show tunes. You can only hear ‘Annie Get Your Gun’ so many times before you go bug-nutty. Now, wearing the hood, I finally got some P-and-Q.

“Your head sweats a good bit, and the smell’s pretty ripe at the end of the day, but it’s worth it,” Shore said. “My wife’s not a fan, but, bottom line, it’s not any more pungent than a nice Époisses cheese. The main drawback’s it makes me hungry. But it does pair well with a young Côte de Beaune.”

Some local divers remained skeptical.

“I’m not buying into that nonsense,” Nelson Seagroves said. “You look the damn fool. And are out several hundred quid. From what I’ve seen, they actually do quite the opposite of what Doc claims—they make people crazier by bouncing all their brain energy back at them. Or not, depending on the person and their brain. Or lack thereof.”

Island retailers have embraced the new hood technology.

“I don’t give a damn if they work, so long as they sell,” Eagle Ray Cove resort owner Rich Skerritt said. “And they’re flying off the shelves. Are they goofy looking? Sure. That’s how fashion crazes start. Give it a year or two and folks’ll be wearing ‘em everywhere.

Some islanders, meanwhile, saw more nefarious uses for the hoods. “Hostile foreign powers co-opted Doc years ago,” government watchdog Wade Soote said. “Got to be an idiot not to see he’s totally compromised. The Cubans’re using him and his gizmos to control peoples’ thoughts. Turn us into communists. Or socialists. Or whatever the bad people who aren’t like us are.”