Tag Archives: Tim W. Jackson

July 15, 2016 · 7:45 am

Blacktip Island Divemasters Launch Underwater Jenga League

Jenga

One of the last parking chocks still above water on Blacktip Island, with an underwater giant Jenga team’s lift bag and mallet, in the Blacktip Haven resort parking lot.

Members of a newly-formed underwater giant Jenga league have illegally cleared Blacktip Island’s parking lots of cement parking chocks for use as game blocks, island authorities said Friday.

In conventional Jenga, players take turns removing one wooden block at a time from a tower of blocks, then balance that block on top of the stack to create a progressively taller but less stable structure.

“It started with bored divemasters and a load of sunken chocks that fell overboard out from the public dock,” Island Police Constable Rafe Marquette said. “Next thing you know, they’re dragging chocks from resort parking lots and chucking them into the sea.

“After a YouTube video, it really took off,” Marquette said “Now they’ve hauled off every parking bumper that’s not bolted down so they can make a regulation 54-block set. I’d arrest them all, but there’s no proof who committed the actual thefts.”

Players preferred to focus on the intricacies of the game.

“It’s giant Jenga, only with more adrenalin,” said divemaster Alison Diesel. “Each block weighs, like, 200 pounds. Two-person teams use lift bags to make a block neutrally buoyant, then tap it out of the pile with rubber mallets.

“Both people have to be in synch, or things get ugly,” Diesel said. “Personal buoyancy control’s a biggie, too. You’re down in the sand when a six-foot tower crashes down, you’re crab food.”

League organizers brushed aside talk of the game’s illegality.

“We’ve done nothing wrong and no one stole anything,” de facto league president Jerrod Ephesians said. “The blocks were underwater debris. We’re simply using them. And we never have matches when the barge is due. That’d create a navigational hazard.

“The only problem we’ve had is a couple of ugly incidents involving husband-and-wife teams,” Ephesians said. “Kitty Smarr swore she dumped her lift bag by accident, and that she was yelling for help, but Mickey damn-near got crushed, and it sure sounded like Kitty was laughing through her regulator.”

Police, meanwhile, are concerned the missing bumpers imperil public safety.

“There’s not a single chock in any of the island’s car parks,” Marquette said. “That creates a dangerous situation. I can seize the ones that’ve been sunk, but I have no way to get them out of the water. Meantime, motorists are damaging vehicles, buildings and themselves without chocks to stop the cars.”

One local business owner is using the Jenga matches to cover the cost of new parking bumpers at his resort.

“We put in underwater cameras at Diddley’s Landing,” said Rich Skerritt, owner of Eagle Ray Cove resort. “We’re charging folks to watch the live feed at the bar. That, and the alcohol sales, should recoup the cost of chocks. And when we get new ones, we’re gonna pound them in place with five, six feet of rebar so these scuba hippies can’t steal them.”

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July 8, 2016 · 8:49 am

Flare Gun Shootout Mars Blacktip Island Unity Day

flare guns

Some of the emergency signaling pyrotechnics seized by Blacktip Island police after Thursday night’s signal-flare shootout. (photo courtesy of Raphael Marquette)

A flare gun battle between two Blacktip Island Unity Day dock parties, celebrating the island’s varied cultures living peacefully together, resulted in three arrests, fourteen injuries and the confiscation of all flares and flare pistols Thursday night.

“It started as good holiday fun,” said Clete Horn, whose eyebrows were scorched off in the melee. “We had country music playing on our dock, the Sand Spit Bar had reggae blasting on theirs, and people were hollering back and forth at one another.

“Each party had its own fireworks show, and they started at the same time,” Horn said. ‘Next thing you know, folks were adding their own fireworks, trying to outdo the other dock.”

Police say the situation escalated quickly.

“First it was bottle rockets being fired dock-to-dock, then Roman candles,” said Island Police Constable Rafe Marquette. “Next thing we knew, people had broken out emergency signal pistols and were blazing away.

“At one point party-goers were swimming out to moored dive boats to rearm themselves with nautical flares,” Marquette said. “They were even firing those big parachute flares to see their targets better.”

The island’s medical clinic was overwhelmed by the injuries.

“I’m not set up for something on this scale,” island nurse Marissa Wrasse said. “There were so many burns, I ran out of unguent. I had to grab mayonnaise from the ‘fridge and slather that on burns.

“Ran out of that, too, by the end,” Wrasse said. “Dermott Bottoms took a direct hit right down the back of his shorts. You have no idea the size of Dermott Bottoms’ bottom.”

Authorities confiscated all incendiaries to prevent further violence, a move that angered some locals.

“It’s not safe, Rafe leaving us with nothing but survival mirrors,” boat captain Marina DeLow said. “What if we have an emergency and need to signal for help?”

The police, however, remained adamant.

“Damn right I seized all the flares,” Marquette said. “These yobbos were even throwing smoke canisters and orange dye markers at each other.

“This is why they can’t have nice things,” Marquette said. “Until they learn how to use pyrotechnics responsibly, they’ll just have to jump up and down and waive their arms if there’s an emergency.”

Unity Day organizers, meanwhile, have scheduled an alcohol-free follow-up celebration Friday evening they hope will bring the island community back together.

“We figured we’d get everyone in one place, then sit down and talk things out,” Unity Day committee chair Kay Valve said. “Of course, Dermott’ll have to stand, but that’ll be a reminder why this is so important.”

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July 1, 2016 · 7:18 am

Blacktip Island Votes Itself Independent

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A new day dawns on Blacktip Island after residents Wednesday voted to declare themselves an independent nation. (photo courtesy of Rocky Shore)

In a surprise referendum Wednesday, Blacktip Island residents chose overwhelmingly to leave the Tiperon Islands. The vote, if approved by the Blacktip Island Commission, would establish the small Caribbean island as an independent nation.

The vote, known locally as the Bleave, was called after an increase in import duty for alcohol from Tiperon, the capital island, resulted in several days of public protest on Blacktip.

“You better believe I voted to Bleave,” island mayor Jack Cobia said. “Our so-called representative on the big island wasn’t elected. Blacktip’s a small island, out on the edge of things. Last election, we just plain forgot to vote. That’s when politicos in the capitol appointed one of their cronies.

“Next thing you know, our man – a preacher, no less – votes to double the price of our booze,” Cobia said. “We scheduled a vote to stop the riots, and, boy, did folks turned out. Well, three folks, anyway. But we all voted ‘out.’”

Critics say independence could cripple the island’s economy.

“There’s no way this little sand spit can survive on its own,” said Rocky Shore, economics professor at Tiperon University-Blacktip. “Tourism’s all Blacktip has, and 100 drunks can’t provide the infrastructure to support that product.

“Democracy’s not always best,” Shore said. “Voters should have stayed home again instead of turning out to vote.”

The pro camp, though, expects the island’s economy to thrive.

“All the dive operations and bars are going like gangbusters,” said Rick Skerritt, owner of Eagle Ray Cove resort. “Us Blacktippers are used to looking out for ourselves, and each other.

“My ancestors came to this island with nothing but their dreams. And investment capital,” Skerritt said. “I’ll be damned if some pencil pusher from Tiperon’s gonna run my life.”

Others took a more low-key approach.

“Sure, people are up in arms, but nothing’ll change,” handyman Antonio Fletcher said. “It’s Blacktip Island. Nothing ever changes.

“It’s good being on our own,” Fletcher said. “Tiperon’s got too many foreigners, anyway. And teetotalers.”

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June 24, 2016 · 7:59 am

Craft Distillery Plumbs Rum To Blacktip Island Homes

rum plumbing

Barry Bottoms demonstrates a newly-installed Bottoms Up rum-delivery faucet in a Blacktip Island home. (photo courtesy of Bottoms Up Distillery)

A Blacktip Island distillery’s plan to pipe rum to every home on the island came under fire Thursday from an unlikely alliance of the island’s religious community and bar owners.

“Drinking’s already out of control on this little rock,” said the Rev. Pierre Grunt. “This plan will let people sit at their sink and drink until they pass out.

“Before, at least they had to get up and go to a bar,” Grunt said. “And what’s to keep little children away from the tap?”

Brewery owners defended their plan.

“Our market’s tiny. We’re fighting to survive financially,” Bottoms Up Distillery president Barry Bottoms said. “The idea’s to make our new Bottoms Up dark rum readily available to everyone.

“I don’t understand why Pierre’s got his shorts in such a wad,” Bottoms said. “The taps have child-proof locks. And with so many people drinking at home, this’ll cut down on drunk driving, too.”

Grunt found support from the island’s bar owners.

“Barry’s playing dirty pool, siphoning customers away from us,” said Eagle Ray Cove resort owner Rich Skerritt. “Before, we’d buy booze from Barry, mark it up, sell it to our patrons. This plan cuts us out of the loop.

“Don’t know what kind of pipes Barry’s using, but they better be sturdy,” Skerritt said. “No telling what kind of damage a burrowing iguana or land crab might do to those lines, if you take my meaning.”

Many residents, however, are excited about the plan.

“It’ll be great, never being out of hootch,” divemaster Gage Hoase said. “Unless you don’t pay your bill and they cut you off. And the monthly billing’s like running a bar tab, really. Plus, they give volume discounts.

“The only hitch I can see is a pressure drop if too many people go for a drink at the same time,” Hoase said. “Like halftime during the Super Bowl or something.”

Bottoms, meanwhile, said Bottoms Up is sensitive to residents who oppose the plan.

“Getting your house rum plumbed is 100 percent optional,” Bottoms said. “It does increase the home’s resale value, though, so we’re suggesting church goers and A.A. types get the line installed and then just cap it off.

“We have plans to run separate lines for light and dark rums, eventually,” Bottoms said. “And if it works well on Blacktip, we’ll branch out to the other Tiperon islands.”

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June 17, 2016 · 6:15 am

Vintage Scuba Enthusiasts Face Opposition On Blacktip Island

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Blacktip Island Mossback Club president Jay Valve’s vintage 1961 double-hose regulator at Diddley’s Landing public peir after a recent club shore dive. (photo courtesy of Jay Valve)

A vintage scuba diving club on Blacktip Island came under fire Thursday from dive operators and medical professionals who claim the group’s activities undermine public safety.

“No one’ll let us use our older gear on the dive boats, so we got together to dive on our own,” said Jay Valve, president of the Blacktip Island Mossbacks. “ I’ve been using this reg for 55 years, and it still works great. Why should I ditch it just because some 20-something dive bum tells me it’s out of date?

“I service my kit like clockwork. It’s as safe as any modern rig,” Valve said. “Next thing you know they’ll tell me a have to use a dive computer.”

Dive professionals say the mid-century equipment is inherently dangerous.

“Jay’s regulator’s older than my dad,” said Club Scuba Doo dive manager Finn Kiick. “Makes the same noises Dad does, too. There’s no way we’re letting Jay on our boat. That reg doesn’t even have a pressure gauge.

“Knuckleheads want to go out and drown themselves, they’re welcome to it,” Kiick said. “Just don’t make us fill out any paperwork or talk to lawyers. Blacktip has boats and beaches. Beaches are good for them.”

Public safety officials want the group’s activities banned altogether.

“These are antiquated divers, trudging in from shore with antiquated equipment,” Public Health Director Herring Frye said. “It’s multiple coronaries waiting to happen. We don’t have the staff or infrastructure to handle that kind of thing.

“And what happens when youngsters see them and want to dive like that, too?” Frye said. “The police need to shut this down before someone dies.”

Island police say their hands are tied.

“No law about what kind of scuba equipment you can use, so long as you have a dive flag,” Island Police Constable Rafe Marquette said. “Looks kind of cool, too, all those ‘Sea Hunt’ rigs getting used. Reminds me of my Daddy’s gear.”

Club members, meanwhile, vowed to dive on.

“We’re all in better shape than most of the guests on the dive boats,” Mossback Clete Horn said. “And there’s a simplicity to this older equipment, an authenticity, if you will, that modern gear lacks. We’re not hung up on technology. We just dive.”

One resort, meanwhile, has embraced the club and its philosophy.

“They want authentic, we’ll take ‘em out on that old P.O.S. boat we can’t sell,” Eagle Ray Cove owner Rich Skerritt said. “It’s older than some of those museum pieces they’re diving with.

“If it sinks with them on it, well, that ads to the realism, doesn’t it?” Skerritt said. “We charge an up fee for an adventure dive and write the boat off on insurance.”

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June 3, 2016 · 8:19 am

Booze Aerobics Targets Blacktip Island’s Health Woes

rum aerobics

An innovative exercise program will allow Blacktip Island’s most hard-core drinkers to increase their physical activity from the comfort of their barstools. (Photo courtesy of Palometa Fischer)

Blacktip Island fitness buffs this week launched an alcohol-based aerobics program, conducted in all three of Blacktip’s bars, to combat the Caribbean island’s growing obesity problem.

“Blacktippers are freakishly out of shape,” aerobics instructor Palometa Fischer said. “We can’t stop them from drinking – it’s the island pastime. Instead, we’re getting them active while they drink.

“We’re taking advantage of the captive audience,” said Fischer. “The only drawback so far was the couple of beer bottles thrown at us when we first walked in.”

Program participants were upbeat after the first session.

“We’re jumping up and down watching football anyway. This wasn’t all that different,” said James Conlee at the Last Ballyhoo bar. “Palometa jumping around in them shorts didn’t hurt, either, you know.”

Health professionals, however, questioned the program’s safety.

“This regimen will worsen Blacktip Island’s alcohol epidemic,” said Dr. Azul Tang. “And most of these people are in no shape for vigorous exercise. Palometa’s going to have her hands full with cardiac arrests and broken bones.”

Program organizers emphasized their safety protocol.

“We have a 2:1 instructor-to-student ratio so we can prop people up if they start to fall,” instructor Ginger Bass said. “And the nurse is on call for every session.

“We start slow so people can acclimate – stretching on a bar stool, that sort of thing – then graduate to standing stretches,” Bass said. “We have pool sessions, too, for the really wobbly ones. They can’t fall too far. And we put Water Wings around their necks so their heads’ll float if they do.”

Participants applauded the safety measures.

“So far, worst that happened is James spewed beer in the middle of jumping jacks,” Last Ballyhoo regular Dermott Bottoms said. “But he’d been drinking since breakfast, so you kind of expected it. That’s why they didn’t put him in the pool.”

Fischer, meanwhile, plans to expand the program in the future.

“We’re working up to a weekly Run for the Rum Bottle around a track,” Fischer said. “We put bottle on a pulley, like the fake rabbit they use for greyhound racing, and let everyone chase after it.

“For extreme cardio we’ll toss spiders on the bar when no one expects it,” Fischer said. “We beta tested that, and it got everyone’s heart rate right up into the fat-burning zone.”

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May 27, 2016 · 9:43 am

Blacktip Island Boaters Launch Dive-Sharing App

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Fishing skiffs sit ready to take Blacktip Island scuba divers to dive sites Friday morning.

Starting today, Blacktip Island scuba divers wanting a ride to or from a dive site can use a boat-sharing application launched by island boat owners. The app, modeled after similar land-based services, allows individual divers to hail private boats via their dive computer.

“We’re calling it ‘UBoat,’” founder Antonio Fletcher said. “You just punch your dive computer, and a boat picks you up.

“Divers like to sleep in, you know, and maybe only do one dive,” Fletcher said. “Or go places the resort boats won’t take them.”

Eight local fishermen have signed on for the service so far, most using fishing skiffs shorter than 20 feet.

“Going out fishing anyway,” local angler Dermott Bottoms said. “Might as well make a little side cash. And divers don’t mind the lines and hooks.

“Get extra money when sharks show up, too,” Bottoms said. “So long as the divers don’t catch me chumming.”

The app has already proved a hit with the island’s scuba diving guests.

“The little boats make it an adventure,” said diver Paula Plongeur. “And you never know who your captain’ll be. There’s nothing quite like hitting the surface, tapping your computer and seeing a half-dozen skiffs racing to get to you first.

“With UBoat, we dive where we want, as deep as we want for as long as we want,” Plongeur said. “Even late-night dives, though they do charge extra for those drop offs and pick ups. Especially the pick ups.”

Dive industry insiders, however, question UBoat’s safety.

“There’s no guarantee a boat’ll be there to pick you up,” said Eagle Ray Divers operations manager Ger Latner. “Some of these clowns are even dropping off solo divers.

“Sure, it’s a lower rate and personalized service, but what’s your life worth?” Latner said. “And you really want ‘Tonio or Dermott picking you up in the afternoon after they’ve been drinking all morning? Or worse, sleeping through the pick-up call?”

UBoat drivers were quick to defend the service.

“Tourists want to give me money for a boat ride, all right then,” Bottoms said. “Divers get on my boat ‘cause they want to, you know.

“They got a c-card and say they’re meeting a buddy on the reef, who am I to say they’re lying,” Bottoms added. “Not illegal. No one can tell me how I can make money.”

Divers defended the service as well.

“We see it as a kind of dive insurance,” Plongeur said. “People will fight to pick us up, even if a charter boat leaves us behind. Plus, Dermott lets us drink beer on the way to and from.”

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May 20, 2016 · 7:03 am

Guano Crayon Factory Solves Blacktip Island’s Health Woes

crayons

A batch of giant crayons sits ready for export at Diddley’s Landing public pier on Blacktip Island. The crayons, made from reclaimed booby bird guano, have boosted the island’s economy and eliminated a public heath crisis.

Blacktip Island government and business leaders teamed up this week to solve an island public health concern and calm unemployment worries by opening a factory to make wax markers from booby bird guano.

“Droppings from all these birds was a making folks sick,” said public health chief Herring Frye. “It dries into dust, then the wind blows it everywhere. Folks all over the island were hacking and coughing and whatnot.

“We collected a bunch of it, it was too expensive to ship off island,” Frye said. “And the reef huggers wouldn’t let us chuck it in the sea. That’s when ol’ Doc stepped in and saved our bacon.”

Island entrepreneur Piers “Doc” Plank had recently patented a process that turned bird waste into multi-colored wax.

“It started as a gimmick to sell for writing underwater,” Plank said. “When I saw the mountain of bird poop Herry’d collected, well, the light bulb went off. What do you do with a giant pile of poo? Turn it into crayons, of course.

“Island unemployment dropped to zero when we hired staff for processing, distribution and sales,” Plank said. “And there’s a whole lot less wheezing now, too.”

Plank noted the facility manufactures markers of all sizes for a variety of uses.

“We started with industrial-sized ones to use for striping the road and landing strip,” Plank said. “They’re even coloring navigational beacons with them. The wax is brighter than paint, and holds its color longer.

“Of course, we also make the standard-sized crayons you’d expect, for underwater slates and kids’ coloring,” Plank said. “We’re marketing those as ‘Poopons.’”

Many islanders have embraced the markers.

“It’s kind of nasty, using crayons made from bird poop,” said local Olive Beaugregory. “But Doc’s factory separates outs the impurities. They don’t smell much, I’ve never seen such vivid colors, and knowing they’re made from poop keeps the kiddos from eating them. Well, most of the kiddos.”

Not all residents are happy with the factory, though.

“When the wind’s from the east, you’d think something died over there,” said Palometa Fischer, who lives next door. “Our eyes water, and the dogs have a nasty cough now. Mr. Plank did give the kids free crayons, though, so we make the best of it.”

Other locals are concerned the manufacturing masks a more sinister product.

“One of the little-known byproducts of Doc’s ‘cleaning’ process is trinitrotoluene,” said island political activist Harry Pickett. “You think it’s a coincidence those big markers look like warheads? TNT on Blacktip Island’s a disaster waiting to happen.”

Officials denied the claim.

“All this missile talk is pure crap,” Frye said. “We’d only use crayons for defensive purposes.”

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May 13, 2016 · 10:01 am

Blessing of the Regulators Returns To Blacktip Island

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Scuba diving regulators of all types and ages will be prayed for at Blacktip Island’s Blessing of the Regulators Sunday. (photo courtesy of Jerrod Ephesians)

The Our Lady of Blacktip cathedral will host the Caribbean island’s annual Blessing of the Regulators Sunday morning, safeguarding scuba divers and their equipment for the busy summer diving season.

“It’s a non-denominational ceremony open to all divers, regardless of religious beliefs, or lack thereof,” said the former-Reverend Jerrod Ephesians. “We do it on behalf of St. Dervil, Blacktip Island’s patron saint, who blessed the island’s first divers back in the 1550s.

“The ceremony’s totally inclusive,” Ephesians said. “We welcome single- and double-hose regs as well as rebreathers, Spare Airs and even snorkels.”

As ever, local divers are excited about the ceremony.

“I trust my training and all, but I’ll take any backup I can get,” said Eagle Ray Divers divemaster Alison Diesel. “‘God’s my alternate air source,’ you know? Whichever god’ll listen.

“Using Dervil’s original Canticle for Regultors is what makes the Blessing stick,” Diesel said. “The whole ‘Bless me that I may not so much breathe, as to continue to breathe’ thing. And sprinkling us with rum.”

Others questioned the ceremony’s efficacy.

“There’s no proven cause-and-effect relationship between praying over your regulator and diving safely,” said long-time resident B.C. Flote. “Folks want this superstitious shtick, let ‘em do it on their own time. This’s a religious ceremony and the bars can’t open until it’s over.”

Church officials take a pragmatic view of the service.

“Hand of the Divine or self-fulfilling belief, it amounts to the same thing,” Ephesians said. “We administer the Blessing. People have safe dives. Boom. Done.

“We ran a couple of double-blind test Blessings a few years back, but the results were inconclusive,” Ephesians said. “It’s metaphorical, anyway. The Blessing covers not just regs, but all scuba gear. Except dive knives. That’d be inappropriate, since Dervil was hacked to death by Norse raiders.”

Island business leaders have embraced the Blessing for more secular reasons.

“The resort’s chock-a-block full this weekend, and we’re selling Blessing t-shirts like crazy,” Eagle Ray Cove owner Rich Skerritt said. “Mumbo jumbo or not, it fills our bank account every year. That’s a result you can measure.”

The Blessing will be administered en masse rather than individually to avoid the scuffles that marred last year’s ceremony.

“There was a rumor the regs that got blessed first got more oomph than the later ones,” Ephesians said. “Next thing we knew, divers at the back of the line were about killing each other to get to the front. We had to replace a bunch of pews and three stained-glass windows.”

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May 6, 2016 · 6:00 am

Blacktip Island Braces For Booby Days

booby days

The dried surface of Blacktip Island’s booby pond will be the site of Sunday’s Booby Days race celebrating the Caribbean island’s resident booby bird population. (photo courtesy of Sula Beakins)

The first weekend in May brings the annual Booby Days to Blacktip Island, celebrating the island’s most numerous and most popular residents, the goofy-footed booby birds.

“People come from all around the globe to see these birds,” said Sula Beakins, Blacktip Booby Benevolence League president. “They’re Blacktip Island’s life blood.

“There’s only about 100 people here, but there’s thousands of boobies,” Beakins said. “There was even a push a few years back to rename Blacktip ‘Booby Island,’ but the island council thought that’d give potential visitors the wrong impression.”

As ever, the weekend’s highlight will be Sunday’s race across the island’s dried central pond, to the booby rookery and back again.

“It’s tougher than it looks, and dangerous,” said 2015 winner Edwin Chub. “That mud’s a dried crust on top of sharp ironshore. It looks flat, but there’s all kinds of cavities and crevasses underneath.

“We race in the traditional manner, with tennis rackets strapped to our feet,” Chub said. “We also have to fight our way through a line of folks dressed as frigate birds. It’s a bit like ‘sharks and minnows,’ just stinkier.”

“The nesting boobies’ll peck king hell out of racers on the other side,” Beakins said. “But that’s added incentive to hightail it back.”

Public health officials require all participants to wear full-face respirators to guard against inhaling any dried booby pond dust.

“In the rainy season that pond’s liquid, but there’s damn-little water in it,” said Public Health Director Stoney MacAdam. “That’s generations of dried-up rotted vegetation, dead fish and bird poop. There’s diseases out there that don’t have names yet.”

Participants are also required to tie a long rope to their waist to facilitate body recovery should they fall.

“You go down out there, you’re history,” MacAdam said. “And ain’t no one going out to get you.”

Other weekend activities include a mackerel rundown cook off, a booby-petting booth for children and the ever-popular soused herring-eating contest.

“We serve up raw herring, just like a booby would eat it, but with diced onions,” Beakins said. “Whoever eats the most in a minute, keeps it down for five minutes and hasn’t got food poisoning in four hours wins the coveted Booby Prize.”

The celebration is sponsored by the Centers for Disease Control.

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