Tag Archives: Tim W. Jackson

A row of what amateur botanist Edwin Chub has identified as triffids—sentient, ambulatory plants that prey on humans—on Blacktip Island’s southern bluff. (photo courtesy of Rob Noble)

An amateur botanist exploring Blacktip Island’s southern bluff Wednesday discovered what he described as a group of venomous, ambulatory triffid plants, sparking concerns for the island population’s safety.

“I did quite the double take when I first saw them, making certain they were real,” Edwin Chub said. “I’ve seen that ‘Day of the Triffids’ documentary, and there’s no mistaking them. They’re not mature yet, or able to move around, but it’s just a matter of time. Then we’re all cooked. It doesn’t do to trifle with triffids.

“What they did in the UK was horrific,” Chub said. “It’s a wonder anyone was left alive over there. I thought they killed all of them, but apparently a few seeds got transported here somehow. Only thing to do now is burn the lot of them, and make sure we didn’t miss any.”

Island authorities said removal was not a straightforward affair.

“That whole area up there’s a nature preserve,” Island Police Constable Rafe Marquette said. “As easy as burning them all would be, it can’t be done legally. Humanity’s survival be damned, it’s a protected area. The best we can do is put up a wall to contain them. If they wander off the bluff, they’re fair game. But until then, our hands are tied.”

Some island residents proposed an exception to the law.

“Them things are a mortal threat to everybody on the island,” Linford Blenny said. “I seen that documentary—you can’t contain ‘em. We need to kill ‘em all now before they kill us. If Rafe won’t take action, well, some of us just might. Late at night when there’s no witnesses.”

Others looked to capitalize on the discovery.

“I’ve never supported all this ‘protected species’ claptrap, but we have to look at the upside to this,” Sandy Bottoms’ Beach Resort owner Sandy Bottoms said. “As far as we know, Blacktip’s the only place in the world with these whats-its. That’s one hell of a draw. We need to fence them in, then charge a premium for folks to see them. Hell, we’ll put folks in body armor and let them run around with them for an up charge.”

A few residents dismissed the discovery, and the dangers posed.

“‘The Day of the Triffids’ wasn’t a documentary; it was a science fiction film,” Jodi Hamlet said. “And a cheesy novel before that. There’s no such thing as triffids. These are just some oddly-shaped trees, combined with Edwin up on the bluff with a bottle of cheap white rum. There’s no emergency here, just nonsense, sky-is-falling melodrama.”

Bottoms brushed aside that criticism.

“If Edwin says they’re real, they’re by-God real,” he said. “The only thing for us to do contain them for public safety, then make a hefty profit off them. We’ll be out the cost of a fence. After that, it’s pure profit.”