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Roman Naval Warfare To Be Staged On Booby Pond

roman-like naval battle

The Blacktip Island Historical Society will stage an ancient Roman-style naumachia in the island’s central booby pond Saturday to raise money for the island’s museum. (illustration courtesy of Rusty Goby, BIHS)

The Blacktip Island Historical Society will stage a Roman-style naval battle this weekend, featuring replicas of ancient Roman vessels, in an effort to interest island residents in studying history and to raise funds for the small Caribbean island’s museum.

“People these days are so blasé about the past, we thought a proper, large-scale, historical spectacle would be just the thing to pique their interest,” BIHS president Fannie Bottoms said. “And what’s larger scale than a proper naumachia, with two fleets fighting it out for the entire island to see?

“We originally planned on staging it in the lagoon, but the booby pond offered better viewing options,” Bottoms said. “It also adds an added tension—if your boat sinks in the lagoon, no big deal; in the booby pond, there’s no telling what diseases you’ll catch, or if you’ll even survive.”

Organizers say the boats and costumes will be as accurate as possible.

“We’re encouraging participants to build period-correct facsimiles of early Roman biremes, triremes and quadriremes,” BIHS armorer Rusty Goby said. “We aim to give a sense of what it was like to attend a Roman spectacle in Caesar’s day. Nero absolutely loved a garish naumachia. Only in our version, no one will get killed. Intentionally.”

Some island residents were dubious about the event’s historical accuracy.

“You think there’s anyone on this little rock who’ll take the time to build an actual bireme?” chef Corrie Anders said. “And then destroy it? This is Blacktip. It’ll turn out to be Dermott Bottoms and James Conlee standing in rowboats, throwing beer bottles at each other. History-wise, it’ll be rubbish. But it should be a hoot to watch.”

Island leaders have embraced the event.

“Spectacles like these are what the Roman aristocracy staged to let anger citizenry blow off steam, keep ‘em from rioting,” de facto mayor Jack Cobia said. “The way folks around here’ve been complaining lately, something like this’s exactly what we need to keep ‘em from revolting. A lot of ‘em are revolting, but they shouldn’t stage a revolt, you understand.”

Other residents are looking forward to the battle.

“Life here can get a little dull, so it’ll be fun to have something new and different to do,” Sally Port said. “And the thought of someone’s boat sinking in the middle of the booby pond, well, how could you ever look away? And we’ll be learning about history at the same time. I’m bringing a cooler of beer, a toga and may join the battle myself.”

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Blacktip Island Weather

26

Wahoo Reef weather station

Sunday, July 14, 2024

Temperature: 92

Humidity: 71%

Precipitation: Hahahaa

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Bogus Labyrinth Angers Blacktip Island Residents

Fake labyrinth

A walkable labyrinth, modeled after the famous labyrinth at the Chartres Cathedral in France, has Blacktip Island residents angry due to its irritating pattern and unexpected dead end far from the center. (photo courtesy of Egorova Svetlana)

Blacktip Island residents were angered this week while walking a four-axis labyrinth, near the small Caribbean island’s Heritage House, with an emotionally-disturbing pattern and an unexpected dead end that aggravates users instead of calming them.

“It looks like a regular labyrinth, like the one in Chartres, but with a whacky path” Alison Diesel said. “Then, once you start walking it, instead of making you chill, it starts to get irritating. By the time you get to the dead end, which is nowhere near the center, you’re good and pissed off.

“These things are supposed to bring people inner peace,” Diesel said. “This one does the total opposite. And there’s no warning about that. It’s obvious it was done on purpose. That’s a dirty, rotten trick.”

The labyrinth’s creator defended the design.

“It’s a lesson for people to not expect things to work out the way they want,” the former-reverend Jerrod Ephesians said. “Folks think life is all about order and happiness, when it’s really semi-controlled chaos. The message here is to get used to disappointment. There’s no magic pill, or magic path, that’ll somehow make you happy.

“Yes, the pattern is intentionally annoying to walk,” Ephesians said. “That’s the point. People comes here all smug and self-satisfied, and they get a sharp wake-up call. Frustrating? Short-term, sure. But long-term it’s beneficial. And people are still coming by to walk it, even knowing what’ll happen. Some people aren’t content unless they’re discontent. It’s part of the human condition.”

Island officials discussed removing the labyrinth as a public safety hazard.

“Jerrod’s right—some people can’t resist that damn thing,” de facto island mayor Jack Cobia said. “Problem is, it’s got everybody here hacked off, and taking it out on folks around them. There’s been fights because of it, and one threatened divorce. We put a big tarp over it, but folks keep pulling it off and walking the thingy anyway, like rubbing salt in their wounds.

“We’re looking at the feasibility of tearing the damn thing up,” Cobia said. “But it’s painted on concrete, so that’ll be pricey to rip out. Our other option’s to paint over it and somehow keep Jerrod from redoing it. It’s not doing the island, or anyone here, any good. He ought to be ashamed of himself, having been a preacher and all.”

Some island residents opposed the labyrinth’s destruction.

“It’s a hoot, watching people melt down doing something they know is going to aggravate them,” Chrissy Graysby said. “We bring chairs and sun umbrellas and make a day of it. The kiddos especially like razzing walkers when they hit that dead end and have a meltdown. It’s great family fun.”

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Surf’s Up

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Blacktip Island Weather

24

Wahoo Reef weather station

Sunday, July 7, 2024

Temperature: 91

Humidity: 70%

Precipitation: None today

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A Bit of Calm Before the Storm

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Blacktip Island Weather

23

Wahoo Reef weather station

Sunday, June 30, 2024

Temperature: 89

Humidity: 68%

Precipitation: Imminent

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Blacktip Island Power Outages Spawn Illegal Betting Pools

power outage betting

Blacktip Island residents have started on-the-sly betting operations concerning the Caribbean island’s aging generator’s frequent power outages. (photo courtesy of Taurus Emerald)

The recent rash of power outages on Blacktip Island has resulted in an unofficial, illegal betting industry on the small Caribbean island, with residents placing wagers on the date and time of the next outages.

“When we had power problems a while back, there was an official lottery to raise money for the power plant,” Kay Valve said. “This is a different critter all together. Folks are placing bets on the sly, unofficially, and pocketing their winnings. Whoever guesses closest to the precise date-and-time takes all. Who’s organizing it, and who’s betting, no one’ll say officially.

“Near as we can tell, the betting venue changes regularly, to keep one step ahead of the law,” Valve said. “No one’s sure exactly how much money’s involved, but with the damn-near daily outages, there has to be a ton of cash being passed under the table.”

Island authorities are attempting to crack down on the gambling.

“Wagering of any kind is illegal in the Tiperon Islands,” Island Police Constable Rafe Marquette said. “We can turn a blind eye to the occasional ‘I bet you $10,’ one-off sorts of bets, but something this large in scale can’t be allowed to continue.

“The big worry now is bad actors sabotaging the plant for financial gain,” Marquette said. “And if off-island gangs get involved, we could have rolling blackouts for the foreseeable future, with Blacktippers’ money being funneled elsewhere.”

Most island residents claimed ignorance.

“There’s rumors of gambling, sure, but this little rock is a rumor factory,” Gage Hoase said. “Ninety percent of ‘em are bogus. But if we get lemons with all these outages, can’t blame folks for making some lemonade. There’s stories of folks making unofficial side bets, too, but, I reckon the first rule of power-outage betting is don’t talk about power-outage betting.”

Others put a positive spin on the outages.

“I make the best of the power failures,” Chrissy Graysby said. “I can now reprogram my stove and microwave clocks in total darkness. And losing power makes you slow down, really, and enjoy just sitting and being, like our ancestors did. Modern island life can get so hectic, can’t it?”

Marquette noted the gambling has self-regulated on a small scale.

“Apparently all power plant workers are banned from betting, so those folks are in the clear in my investigations,” he said. “Seems Stoney MacAdam won three times in a row at the beginning of all this, and everybody knew he was playing dirty pool. That resulted in Stoney and three others in the medical clinic.

“And, though gambling is illegal, if I were a betting man, my money’d be on 11:16 tomorrow morning,” Marquette added.

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It’s that day again

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Blacktip Island Weather

22

Wahoo Reef weather station

Sunday, June 23, 2024

Temperature: 88

Humidity: 71%

Precipitation: Not happening

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