With his incessant talk about everyday life in ancient Egypt, Edwin Chubb has been voted Blacktip Island’s Most Boring Person of the Year for the past seven years. Chubb is the odds-on favorite to win today’s vote. (illustration courtesy of the Painter of the burial chamber of Sennedjem)
Blacktip Island residents will vote today to choose the small Caribbean island’s Most Boring Person of the Year, the annual contest aimed at improving mental health on the island.
“There’s folks on Blacktip who’ll drive you crazy without half trying,” vote supervisor Kay Valve said. “The point of the vote is to identify the worst culprit so folks can avoid them. We do this once a year to make sure we’ve got the worst current offender properly identified.
“Once we’ve quantified who the most boring person is, people can better avoid them,” Valve said. “Years ago, I bolted out the Tail Spinner’s back door mid-dinner when Harry Blenny walked in. If it weren’t for the vote, I wouldn’t have known the danger and he’d have talked my ear off about curling.”
Edwin Chubb has won the contest for the last seven years straight.
“The Edwin, he looks so innocuous,” Donna Requin said. “Then he corners you and goes on and on and on about life in ancient Egypt and hieroglyphics. It’s mind numbing, and usually devolves into him asking you trivia questions about Egyptian gods and such. Frankly, I gotta figure he’s the odds-on favorite to win again this year.”
Others, though, aimed to seize the title from Chubb.
“I’ve been talking to people about my stamp collection for the past year,” Wade Soote said. “Not rare ones, just every day, Tiperon postage stamps. I like to see how many of each I can get my hands on. I sort them into piles in the evenings, while I have my milk and digestive crackers, then count how many of each I have.
“I’m especially fond of the post-card stamps,” Soote said. “You don’t see very many of them these days, and they have such lovely colors. Sometimes I purchase a sheet or two just because. I don’t understand why no one seems interested in them—they’re infinitely fascinating. And I know I’m in the running to win because of all the people pointedly avoiding me.”
Votes will be tallied at the island’s Heritage House at 5 p.m. The winner will receive the traditional ‘Run Away! I’m That Boring! t-shirt and be banned from island bars for a week. Runners up will receive ‘I’m Boring, Too’ shirts and a three-day ban.
Island authorities say they will be alert for attempted ballot box stuffing and other forms of election fraud.
The Blacktip Times 