Sunday, September 12, 2021
Temperature: 88
Humidity 63%
Precipitation – Not happening
Tag Archives: humor
Anti-Mask Scuba Divers Swarm Blacktip Island Dive Boats
A small, but confrontational, number of Blacktip Island scuba divers are refusing to wear facemasks while diving. (photo courtesy of Christopher Mendoza)
A group of scuba divers visiting Blacktip Island this week sparked controversy by refusing to wear masks while diving, island tourism officials said.
“It started with one person, then exploded,” Chamber of Commerce president Led Waite said. “Right now, a third of the divers on our boats are flat-out refusing to wear masks. They can’t see squat underwater, and the salt has to burn their eyes like crazy, but they’ve dug their heels in.
“They say it’s their personal choice, and asking them to mask up violates that,” Waite said. “Problem is, they keep bashing into coral and the bottoms of the boats. Dive staffs are running out of first aid supplies.”
Divers say the masks stifle their breathing.
“Diving maskless is the natural way to breathe, and no divemaster’s gonna make me wear an underwater choke plate,” Buddy Brunnez said. “Our ancestors swam without masks or goggles for eons. Why should we change something that gave us such healthy lungs? Plus, looking at things through a glass lens just weakens your eyes.”
Others cited religious reasons.
“If God wanted us to dive with masks, we’d have been born with them on our faces,” Suzy Souccup said. “Who am I to question what God wants? I don’t care what the Pope said. They try to make me wear a mask, they’ll get one upside the head. That’s what Jesus’d do.”
The island’s dive staffs continue to encourage mask use.
“We can’t make anyone wear a mask, any more than we can make them wear a wetsuit,” Eagle Ray Cove divemaster Marina DeLow said. “We insist their masks are on when they giant stride in, but they take them off as soon as they’re underwater.
“The issue’s enforcement,” DeLow said. “We can’t spend all our time underwater scolding yahoos. And when we do, they act like they can’t see us. We’ve started taking them to sites with tons of fire coral, and stopped giving them Band-Aids, but that’s cutting into our tips.”
The island’s Marine Parks department is taking more aggressive action.
“We’re fining divers who contact coral,” spokesperson Val Schrader said. “But we can’t be with every group on every site every day. We’re citing people left and right, but they just blow us off. Or scream in our faces.”
“In the meantime, they’re tearing up the reefs,” Schrader said. “We requested more officers from Tiperon, but they’re dealing with the same problem over there and can’t spare anyone.”
Divers say they’re not concerned with the fines.
“We’ll take every one of these citations to court,” Brunnez said. “The Man don’t have the time, or money, to fight every one of us. It’s my nose and face, and I have the right to smash then into the coral if I want.”
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Blacktip Island Weather
Sunday, September 5, 2021
Temperature: 86
Humidity 66%
Precipitation – Yesterday’s news
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Blacktip Island Potterheads Form Underwater Quidditch League
A Caribbean reef squid serves as the golden snitch in ‘squidditch,’ Blacktip Island’s new underwater version of quidditch. (photo courtesy of Joey Pompano)
A group of scuba-diving Harry Potter fans this week introduced squidditch, an underwater version of the quidditch game made popular by the fantasy series, played over sand flats on Blacktip Island’s sheltered west coast, organizers said.
“People’re playing quidditch with brooms and soccer balls, and tennis balls hanging out the back of their shorts, so we figured ‘why not do an underwater version?’ Goldie Goby said. “Instead of brooms, we use boat hooks, and underwater Frisbees instead of balls.
“What makes it uber-cool is we use an actual squid as the snitch,” Goby said. “We dope up a reef squid so it won’t bolt too far, or ink, and the chaser has to catch it with a lionfish net. Also, random squid don’t count. Or octopi. It has to be the specific snitch-squid.”
Players say the game presents different challenges than the terrestrial version.
“It’s’ damned hard to generate any speed, or maneuver, with an aluminum pole wedged between your legs,” Joey Pompano said. “And the squid’s hell to catch, even if it is drugged. The last two games had to be called before the snitch got caught because all the players hit their nitrogen-loading limits.”
Spectators had mixed opinions of early matches.
“It’s a cool concept, and early in the games it’s a blast to watch,” Ernestine Bass said. “But after a few minutes the sand gets all stirred up and you can’t see a thing. The players are supposed to stay up high in the water column, but when competitiveness kicks in, all that goes out the window. It adds to the challenge for them, but it makes for boring viewing.”
Local animal-rights activists were critical of the new sport.
“First they catch a live squid. Then sedate it. Then throw it back in the sea and chase it with nets,” People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals president Harry Pickett said. “It’s the definition of animal abuse three, four times over. Even if they don’t catch the snitch-squid, it’s still been traumatized.
“And what happens when the squid’s so groggy it can’t escape predators?” Pickett said. “The first game they played, a barracuda hit the snitch so fast all you saw was a cloud of ink and guts. Alison Diesel nearly lost her hand. We’re filing a lawsuit to stop this horror.”
Players defended the use of a live squid.
“It’s OK to use squid for bait, but not for a snitch? Please,” Reg Gurnard said. “It’s one squid, on a reef loaded with squid. And saving the snitch from ‘barras is added incentive to catch it quickly. That PETA lot need to get those sticks out of their bums and have some fun.”
Island authorities say the games are within legal bounds, if barely.
“It’s played outside the marine park, so we have no say in it,” Marine Parks spokesperson Val Schrader said. “If they cross into the park, though, we’ll be forced to shut it down. But until then, I have $10 on the Eagle Ray Divers team in this afternoon’s match.
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Blacktip Island Weather
Sunday, August 29, 2021
Temperature: 88
Humidity 64%
Precipitation – Yesterday’s news
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Flying Iguanas Terrorize Blacktip Island Residents
Recent incidents of Blacktip Island’s rock iguanas flying into moving vehicles and across crowded bars has island resident on edge this week. (photo courtesy of Jimi World)
A spate of incidents involving airborne iguanas on Blacktip Island has created health and safety worries among the small Caribbean island’s residents, authorities said Thursday.
“People are reporting iguanas flying through the air at bars, at resorts and on both roadways,” Island Police Constable Rafe Marquette said. “Several motorists were struck when iguanas sailed through open car windows while the autos were in motion. There’s been at least two wrecks because of that.
“It seems to be the smaller iguanas involved, thankfully,” Marquette said. “Any of the large ones hit anyone, that’d cause major injuries. We’re looking into the causes, and whether they’re actually flying or just vigorously jumping.”
Island residents confirmed the reports.
“This ain’t just iguanas falling out of trees, like you hear about in Florida,” Harry Blenny said. “I never seen one take off, so I can’t say if it’s flight or a big jump. But one cleared the bar at the Ballyhoo a couple of days ago. Smack in the middle of happy hour, so there’s plenty of witnesses.”
Local scientists were puzzled by the new behavior.
“There’s no wings, or added skin flaps to help them glide,” Tiperon University-Blacktip biology professor Lucille Ray said. “All specimens involved are just bog-standard iguanas. But they’re traveling considerable distances. We’re busy examining why they’ve changed their behavior so drastically and so suddenly.”
Other residents focused on the possibility the iguanas had help flying.
“Every time one of them iguanas flies through the air, Dermott Bottoms and James Conlee’re somewhere close by,” Rocky Shore said. “Once or twice is a coincidence, but every time? Dermott and James were the first ones to notice it happening, too. Me? I smell a rat. Or iguana, rather. I think Dermott’s flinging them.”
Bottoms denied the accusation.
“I never threw no iguana at anything. Or anyone,” he said. “Every time something odd happens on this island, I get blamed. It’s not right. And anyway, anybody tried to catch and throw iguanas, even small ones, they’d get the hell scratched out of their arms.
“Them things’re tougher than they look,” Bottoms said. “I had to drag one out from under the house last week, and it liked to’ve torn me up. It is funny, though, watching folks trying to keep their cars on the road with pissed off iguanas thrashing in the front seat.”
Marquette said he was taking the accusations against Bottoms seriously.
“If people—anyone—is throwing iguanas, that’s animal cruelty and will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law,” he said. “Dermot says the scratches on his arms are from working in the bush, but I’m having the nurse confirm that.
“I have my eye on Dermott. And James. If they’re responsible for this, they will be apprehended. If not, well, I’ll have to find out what’s scaring the hell out of all these lizards. It may be the mersquatch.”
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Blacktip Island weather
Sunday, August 22, 2021
Temperature: 87
Humidity 66%
Precipitation – Soon come
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The Blacktip Times 