Sunday, December 19, 2021
Temperature: 84
Humidity 66%
Precipitation – Not today, Satan
Tag Archives: humor
Tartan-Patterned Clams Discovered On Blacktip Island
Detail from one of the clam shells discovered this week near Spider Bight on Blacktip Island’s east coast. (photo courtesy of Catalina Luxfer)
A team of researchers working on Blacktip Island’s east coast Wednesday discovered what they say is a new species of clams, displaying bright plaid coloration, supporting long-held claims the island’s early settlers came from Scotland, research team members said.
“We were down around Spider Bight, looking for remnants of the island’s first settlement, when Rusty Goby noticed a funky-colored clam shell on the beach,” Tiperon University-Blacktip archeology professor Catalina Luxfer said. “We canvassed the area and found more shells with the same coloration. Then we dug up a handful of live clams, all with a faded blue-and-green tartan pattern. It was stunning.
“We scanned online archives to see if the pattern matched any known plaid, and turns out it’s the Clan MacLaren’s ancient tartan,” Luxfer said. “We figured the clams stowed away on the undersides of that first ship, or the first settlers brought them along as a touch of the old country to make them feel at home. They weren’t noticed before because no one really goes over there much. We’re calling them ‘Clam MacLarens’”
Team members say the resemblance goes beyond shell coloration.
“The first one we dug up gave off a squeak that sounded just like a bagpipe,” Fannie Bottoms said. “We lined a bunch of them up, and when we whacked them with a stick in the right order, you could play ‘Scotland the Brave,’ plain as day. And when you steam them, they taste of haggis, with a good dose of brine. They pair brilliantly with a bold, peaty Islay malt.”
Others noted violence in the clams’ provenance.
“Amongst all the intact MacLaren clam shells, we also found a quantity of yellow-and-black plaid fragments, eroded over time,” Edwin Chub said. “We scanned images of those into the computer, and it turned out to be the Clan Campbell tartan. Near as we can tell, some Clam Campbells came over as well, and the Clam MacLarens took a bit of revenge on their Old World rivals here in the Caribbean. They literally crushed all the yellow-and-black buggers.”
Local entrepreneurs were quick to embrace the discovery.
“We’ve slated a two-day Blacktip Island Highland Games up on the bluff, with traditional piping, drumming and dancing exhibitions, caber tossing and a clam-eating contest,” resort owner Rich Skerritt said. “It’ll be fun for the whole family, and’ll let folks to celebrate their Scottish heritage, whether they’re Scottish or not. Kind of like being Irish on St. Patrick’s Day, but with different whisky.”
Other residents were skeptical.
“The whole Scottish roots thing is a bit far-fetched, but if it gives people something to do, and they stay away from our property, I suppose it’s harmless,” Helen Maples said. “It’s Blacktip, after all, so any excuse for group drinking will be wildly popular. Though we’re steering well clear of any events where people are tossing things, large or small.”
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Blacktip Island Weather
Sunday, December 12, 2021
Temperature: 86
Humidity 67%
Precipitation – On the way
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Expedition Will Map Blacktip Island’s Nether Regions
A team of technical divers will begin mapping the unknown topography underneath Blacktip Island this week. (photo courtesy of Harry Bottoms)
A team of scuba-diving researchers this week will begin the first large-scale mapping project of Blacktip Island’s bottom, team organizers said.
“Mapping Blacktip’s underside’s been a goal for a while, but there were always more pressing things to look at,” Blacktip’s Bottom team leader Sally Port said. “But now, with all the new construction on the east side of the island adding so much weight over there, we need to make sure the island’s still balanced and not in danger of tipping over.
“We’ll also be checking on the chains holding the island in place, and replacing them if necessary,” Port said. “With us spending so much time down there, it was a no-brainer to incorporate our long-planned mapping project. It’s the ultimate overhead environment, no ‘buts’ about it, and will be funded by the Tiperon Islands’ National Overhead Aquatics Agency.”
Team members noted the challenges the project will face.
“These are long, deep dives,” Harry Bottoms said. “The lower edge is about 145 feet. Thanks to NOAA’s support, we’ll be using rebreathers and underwater scooters to cover as much topography as possible. It’s a big, fat mystery what’s down there, but our hypothesis is there’s a central mountain range that acts as a keel to keep the island upright. But we need to methodically map things and not give it the bum’s rush.
“There’s multiple theories about some of the island’s cracks leading directly to the underside, so we’ll have teams above ground sniffing those out,” Bottoms said. “We’re also excited about possibly finding new species clinging to the island’s nether regions.”
Some local residents are concerned about the potential consequences of the expedition.
“Down underneath the island, that’s where the mersquatch lives,” handyman Antonio Fletcher said. “Divers butt in dwn there, you-know-what’ll hit the fan. We won’t be able to sleep at night, wondering when he’ll come after us. And this talk of replacing chains, well, what happens if something goes wrong? We’d drift off, and prevailing winds’d drift us right onto Tiperon. Or Honduras.”
Dive charter operators, however were eager to see the team’s findings.
“With luck, they’ll be able to chart out some new dive sites for us to take our guests,” Eagle Ray Cove resort owner Rich Skerritt said. “Folks’re always clamoring for something different to look at. We got a mini submarine on order, too, so we can take small groups down for longer looks.
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Blacktip Island Weather
Sunday, December 5, 2021
Temperature: 80
Humidity 64%
Precipitation – Not a chance
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New ‘Blessie’ The Booby-Pond Monster Sightings Rattle Blacktip Islanders
A police artist’s drawing of the creature divemaster Lee Helm claims to have seen in Blacktip Island’s booby pond Wednesday morning. (illustration courtesy of Faustian Fantasy)
Sightings this week of ‘Blessie,’ a large aquatic creature purported to live in Blacktip Island’s landlocked booby pond, have island residents on edge, island authorities say.
“Past few days there’s been multiple reports of a large creature in and around the booby pond,” Island Police Constable Rafe Marquette. “Blessie sightings are nothing new. Difference is, this time it’s sober people who’re seeing her. That has folks scared. And keeping an eye on their pets and children.
“Started with Lee Helm seeing something splashing way out in the pond,” Marquette said. “Then Rocky Shore saw something crawling out onto the mud, and last night Ernestine Bass almost ran into some big animal with her car. There’s evidence something’s out there, but not precisely what. And how dangerous it is.”
Residents are divided over what the creature is.
“There’s been tales about Blessie for years,” Antonio Fletcher said. “Looks like a big log, but with a long neck. Grampa almost caught her once with a cast net. Figure she’s a dinosaur that survived. Got one like that in Scotland. Why not here?”
Others had different descriptions.
“Folks say she’s a manatee or a giant salamander,” Wade Soote said. “That just proves whatever Blessie is, she can change her appearance. Nobody knows how deep that pond is, or if it has an outlet to the sea. Most likely, she eats fish out there, then comes back to the warm pond to rest. Only a matter of time before she runs out of fish and switches to people.”
Local scientists refuted the claims.
“That shallow pond won’t support any creature that large,” Marine Parks spokesperson Val Schrader said. “Something that big would have an obvious environmental impact. What does it eat and where does it poop?
“The Booby Pond Monster’s a charming wives’ tale passed down through generations, but she has no biological basis,” Schrader said. “Blessie looks like a log because she is a log. Seen by people who’ve been drinking. Or what have you.”
Eye witnesses stuck to their claims.
“I saw Blessie, plain as day, on my way to work in the morning,” divemaster Lee Helm said. “I reckon she’s the last of the Caribbean fur seals, hiding out in the pond. All the poop and stink in that pond, you think it’s all from birds?”
Fletcher concurred.
“Blessie’s out there, folks just scared to admit it,” he said. “You can find Blessie teeth and scales by the pond all the time. they just look like rocks. But she’s not dangerous—never been a verified attack on people or scuba divers. Only a threat to pets and feral chickens. And small children.”
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Non-Drying Towel Crisis Grips Blacktip Island
Pool towels rest unused on a table at Blacktip Island’s Sandy Bottoms Beach Resort Thursday. Towels of all descriptions have ceased to absorb water on the small Caribbean island. (photo courtesy of Brandon Wiggins)
Blacktip Island visitors and residents this week were vexed by bath and pool towels suddenly becoming water resistant, community leaders said.
“Damnedest thing I’ve ever seen,” Eagle Ray Cove resort owner Rich Skerritt said. “Started about four days ago, when all our guests started hollering they couldn’t dry off. It’s like somebody sprayed all our towels with Scotch Guard. We thought it was a guest playing a practical joke, but it’s the same story all over the island. It’s like trying to dry yourself with a trash bag.
“There’s not a resort, boat or house on the island with a towel that’ll dry a damn thing,” Skerritt said. “We got people shaking themselves like dogs on the dive boats, and the pool lounge chairs are packed with people drying in the sun after they shower. Guests’re hacked off and threatening to leave.”
Theories explaining the non-drying towels have swept the island.
“It ain’t rained in a while, and I reckon booby pond ‘water’ got in all the cisterns,” Linford Blenny said. “There’s so much goop and bird poop in that pond, anything it gets on can’t help but shed water.”
Others noted the phenomenon was limited to towels.
“Shirts and rags and whatnot dry just fine,” Christina Goby said. “It’s only the terrycloth stuff that won’t dry anything. Folks are using t-shirts to dry off, then hanging them on balconies to dry. It looks like hell, but the dive shops are selling shirts and hoodies like crazy.”
Local scientists are studying the phenomenon.
“At this point we’re looking for common variable,” Tiperon University-Blacktip hydrology professor Catalina Luxfer said. “We know it’s not the various soaps used, or the water from different sources. We’re looking at the possibility of it being caused by humidity or specific gravity of the salt air or barometric pressure inversion. And we have a separate team working on new, non-terrycloth towel technology.”
Old-time residents say the problem can’t be addressed by science.
“It’s the duppies doing it, y’know,” handyman Antonio Fletcher said. “Something, or someone, got ‘em riled up. They’re messing with folks to get even. Happened before, only with all the coconuts falling out the trees instead of towels not drying. It’s the duppies’ way of saying not to bathe so much, ‘cause that washes off your protective coating.”
Business owners have joined forces to investigate the mystery.
“Me and Rich and Sandy Bottoms, we’ve put our best staff on the case,” Blacktip Haven resort owner Elena Havens said. “One way or the other, we’re gonna get to the bottom of this, and if it turns out to be a bizarre prank, some practical joker whose initials are Jerrod Ephesians is gonna eat a can or two of Scotch Guard.”
Ephesians would neither confirm nor deny the allegations.
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The Blacktip Times 