Tag Archives: humor
Blacktip Island Weather
Sunday, August 6, 2023
Temperature: 95
Humidity: 72%
Precipitation: Not today
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Genetically-Modified Mosquito Project Goes Awry on Blacktip Island
An experiment with genetically-modified, sterile mosquitoes on Blacktip Island has inadvertently increased the mosquito population on the small Caribbean island. (photo courtesy of Alvesgaspar)
A plan to release a genetically-modified, non-biting species of mosquito, aimed at decreasing Blacktip Island’s mosquito population has instead drastically increased the population, island authorities announced this week.
“The idea was for our modified, sterile, mango-eating mosquitoes to interbreed with the non-sterile extant mosquitoes to drive down that population,” Mosquito Control Unit chief Dusty Bottoms said. “Something went wrong, though, and it turns out when the two species breed, they create new, super-aggressive bloodthirsty mosquitoes.
“The problem was made worse by the efforts we made to help people differentiate between the good and bad mosquitoes,” Bottoms said. “Basically, part of the genetic modification process was to add a bit of firefly DNA to the mix to show the flashing mosquitoes weren’t harmful. But instead of flashing mossies meaning safety, they’re like tiny biological tracer rounds coming at you from everywhere.”
Island residents were outraged by the project.
“These new mosquitoes are an absolute terror,” Leigh Shore said. “They’re aggressive and hungry for blood. And there’s more and more of them every day. And near as I can tell, they like bug spray. They’ll swarm into clouds of it.
“Dusty and them need to be horse-whipped for creating these little monsters,” Shore said. “You can’t go outside anymore. And at night, mosquito netting helps, but all the flashing still keeps you awake. The only positive about ‘em is you can see ‘em coming and whack ‘em with a flyswatter.”
Others took an I-told-you-so approach.
“Doesn’t anyone read, or watch. science fiction anymore?” Belinda Graysby said. “This is basic ‘never do that’ stuff. Experiments like this never work out as planned, and almost always create a greater problem. It’s straight-up the old ‘who’s scarier, the monster or the person who created it?’ scenario.”
The island’s Mosquito Control Unit is attacking the new threat with all available resources.
“We got both our people out there with cans of bug spray, working 12-hour, alternating shifts so wo can attack the mosquitoes day and night, 24-7,” Bottoms said. “Problem is, these new ones are attracted to insecticide. And pissed off by it. We’re working up new sprays to put a dent in their numbers. So far a mix of Windex and iguana urine’s showed promising results.”
Island officials are taking extreme steps to protect visitors.
“We’re urging everyone to stay in their rooms, and we’ve wrapped all island bar areas with netting,” de-facto island mayor Jack Cobia said. “We also built tunnels to get folks out to the dive boats, since the skeeters won’t go more than 20 yards or so offshore. Long, term, we may have to lodge guests on the boats the whole time they’re here. Create mini-liveaboards, if you will. In the meantime, the flashing lights are quite popular with our guests.”
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Blacktip Island Weather
Sunday, July 30, 2023
Temperature: 94
Humidity: 74%
Precipitation: Finally
Filed under best scuba diving novels, Caribbean, Scuba Diving
Aggressive Boobies Terrorize Blacktip Island Residents
A flurry of recent attacks on people by usually-docile red-footed boobies has much of Blacktip Island on edge this week. (photo courtesy of Peter Wilton)
Blacktip Islanders this week are taking steps to safeguard themselves from attacks by protected red-footed booby birds along the small Caribbean island’s northwest coast road, authorities said.
“We don’t know why yet, but boobies along that stretch of road by the Booby Preserve have been swooping down and pecking at people’s heads,” Island Police Constable Rafe Marquette said. “It started with runners, then bicyclists and now casual walkers. Boobies are usually quite docile. I’ve never seen anything like this.
“We’re cautioning the public to avoid that section of the island, if possible,” Marquette said. “If you have to go up there, please wear a helmet and protective eye wear. We’ll get this sorted out, but until then, we ask people to use common sense. If that’s possible on this island.”
Experts offered varied explanations for the attacks.
“One school of thought is it’s nesting season and the boobies are protecting their young,” Blacktip Island Birding Society President Hoot Parrett said. “But they nest every year, and this’s never happened. We’re also researching the effects the current wave of extreme heat has on seabirds. The scorching hot weather may be making them more aggressive.”
Others see the attacks as part of a more ominous trend.
“Those boobies’ve been pushing their range for a while,” Peachy Bottoms said. “Used to be, they’d only nest on the far side of the booby pond, away from the road. Lately, though, there’s more and more of them nesting on this side. It’s pretty clear they’re expanding their territory, and are now protecting it.
“This is the problem with declaring them a protected species, and all that land being a booby preserve,” Bottoms said. “Their population’s grown too big for that parcel, and now they’re staking claim to more and more of the island. This keeps up, Blacktip won’t be livable. Conservation’s all fun and games until it turns into a Hitchcock movie.”
Some residents vowed to fight back.
“They’re a protected species until they try to peck my eye out,” Christina Mojarra said. “Then it’s game-on. I take a tennis racket with me when I walk up that way. Any of those suckers swoop at me, they’ll get strained through cat gut.
“We need to go on the offensive, big picture,” Mojarra said. “Cut down all the trees on this side of the pond, force the boobies back across the water. They’ve got to learn, having a protected sanctuary’s a right, not a privilege.”
Others, however, welcomed the attacks.
“I go up that way on purpose all the time,” Gage Hoase said. “If one of them kills me, that guarantees my tombstone will read, ‘Attacked by Boobies.’”
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Blacktip Island Weather
Sunday, July 23, 2023
Temperature: 95
Humidity: 74%
Precipitation: Nope. We’re roasting.
Filed under best scuba diving novels, Caribbean, Scuba Diving
Blacktip Island’s Community Players To Stage ‘Gossipspell’ Sunday
The cast of the Blacktip Island Community Players’ practices the final scene for their summer musical production, ‘Gossipspell,’ inspired by the popular musical ‘Godspell.” (photo courtesy of Uark Theatre)
The Blacktip Island Community Players this week announced their annual summer musical, an original production titled ‘Gossipspell,’ inspired by the popular religious stage play ‘Godspell,” will debut at the small Caribbean island’s Heritage House Sunday morning.
“We wanted to do something that really spoke to what it’s like to be alive in this place and this time,” BICP creative director Doris Blenny said. “With the way folks on Blacktip treat every silly rumor as Gospel truth, well, the religious parallel was obvious and we decided to make a statement with that.
“Gossiping and rumor-mongering are the most inspirational activities here, and every aspect of life on Blacktip revolves around that,” Blenny said. “It stars Lee Helm who, as in in real life, is the main source of rumors. Much of the musical will focus on how he brings the island together by teaching them how best to spread innuendo.”
Helm relishes the role.
“On this little rock, gossip really is more popular than God. Or Jesus. Or the Beatles,” he said. “It doesn’t feel like acting. It’s more like a typical night at the Tail Spinner bar. Art imitates life, I suppose. This is a small island, with a small population and not much to do. Spreading gossip’s a way to pass the time, to bring us all together in something bigger than ourselves.
“Here, it’s better to be a liar and shit-stirrer than to be boring,” Helm said. “If you don’t have an interesting rumor, please make up something fun, for the sake of the community. Otherwise, we’ll all sit around talking about the weather.”
The cast includes:
- Lee Helm as Joshua
- Catalina Luxfer as Jean le Baptiste
- Hugh Calloway as Elmo
- Jessie Catahoula as Baozhai
- Gage Hoase as Enrico
- Val Schrader as Fatima
“So far, rehearsals have been a blast,” Schrader said. “Finn did a great job with the songs. It’s also great at the end of each rehearsal when we get to throw coconuts at Lee to simulate stoning him to death. You can’t beat a good coconutting, and Lee has it coming.”
The play’s semi-original score, adapted by Club Scuba Doo dive ops manager Finn, Kiick, includes:
- “Well, I Heard”
- “Dude, That’s Messed Up”
- “People Are Saying”
- “I Need to Get This Off My Chest”
- “Get Out! Shut Up!”
- “What’s the Dirt?”
- “Time For a Chin Wag”
Kiick said the lyrics have real-life inspiration.
“I just sat in the Last Ballyhoo a few nights and took notes,” he said. “My favorite is still ‘You Didn’t Hear It From Me,” when all the actors are sitting in a pool of water, drinking beer and dishing dirt on everyone who’s not there.”
The musical will be performed at 10 a.m. Sunday. Tickets may be purchased in advance at all local bars. Proceeds go to the Blacktip Island Stage Actors’ Guild. A follow-up play, rumored for the fall theater season, will allegedly be titled, ‘Mind Your Own Damn Business.’
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The Blacktip Times 