Tag Archives: humor
Tiperon University-Blacktip Earns First March Madness Appearance
The TU-B Mantis Shrimp, named for the Caribbean island’s ferocious peacock mantis shrimp (pictured), won their first-ever game in the NCAA March Madness basketball tournament Wednesday. (Photo courtesy of Roy L. Caldwell, Department of Integrative Biology, University of California, Berkeley)
The Tiperon University-Blacktip Fightin’ Mantis Shrimp earned their first appearance in the NCAA March Madness men’s basketball tournament Wednesday with a 67-65 play-in game win over the heavily-favored Eastern Florida Community College Fire Ants.
“Folks didn’t give us much of a chance, but this team proved everybody wrong,” Mantis Shrimp head coach Jack Mackrell said. “These guys ignored the naysayers, took care of business on the court and made Blacktip proud. It was rough going in the first half, and we got in foul trouble early, but they gutted it out.
“I understand the doubters,” Mackrell said. “With only 12 students at TU-B, we were doing good to field a team, frankly. To shake off the first-half jitters, I gambled a bit and switched from the zone defense EFCC had sussed to man-to-man. From there, we took it to them. Never been so proud of these boys.”
Blacktip Island residents were ecstatic with the win.
“All week we’d been hearing about how TU-B didn’t belong in the same time zone as the tournament,” Rosie Blenny said. “Well, we showed them. David just whomped, well, another David, but we can beat any team in this tourney when we play to our potential. Lots of folks eating crow today. Or should I say, ‘Ants’?”
The Mantis Shrimp were paced by the three-point shooting of the Bottoms twins.
“Me and Spanky couldn’t miss in the second half,” guard Fatty Bottoms said. “East Florida jammed us in the paint, so we’d kick the ball back outside and started draining treys left and right. Then, when they started double-teaming us outside the arc, we pounded it inside to Rusty Goby and let him crash the boards.”
“Next thing we knew, we were on a 16-1 run and the Fire Ants players were hanging their heads,” Spanky Bottoms said. “Folks wrote us off? We feed on that. We’re Cinderella, and enjoying every minute of this. And we’ll keep on dancing tonight.”
The EFCC head coach praised the Mantis Shrimp.
“Hats off to them. They made the adjustment and we didn’t,” coach Danny Hamlet said. “Nothing worse than getting knocked out in the play-in. Well, actually, there’s lots of worse things, but this’s still damn disappointing.”
Rosie Blenny organized an impromptu watch party for tonight’s first-round game.
“We’re all getting together at the Sand Spit Bar to cheer on the Shrimp,” she said. “We’re not settling for a one-and-done. Two more wins and we’re in the Sweet 16!”
The Mantis Shrimp, in only their second season fielding an NCAA team, swept the Western Caribbean Athletic Conference tournament to secure their spot in the play-in game. Their next game will be tonight at 7 p.m. against one-seed University of Houston.
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Blacktip Island Weather
Sunday, March 17, 2024
Temperature: 81
Humidity: 68%
Precipitation: Seriously?
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Spy Balloon Has Blacktip Islanders Panicking
An unidentified object floating over Blacktip Island’s southern bluff has island residents worried it’s a surveillance device launched to spy on them. (photo courtesy of Jeanne)
An observation balloon hovering high above Blacktip Island this week has residents concerned about the balloon’s origin, its purpose and its controllers.
“The dog was the first to notice it,” Rusty Bollard said. “Started howling something awful. I ran out to see what the commotion was about, and he’s staring up at some white speck way up high. Reminded me of that Chinese spy balloon last year, so I sounded the alarm.
“Nothing to interest Chinese spies on Blacktip, so most of us reckon it’s our government trying to spot lobster and conch poachers,” Bollard said. “It’s their new way to double-secret keep an eye on the marine park. Using public money to harass private citizens. It’s not right.”
Marine parks officials denied the claim.
“We can protect the park just fine,” marine parks spokesperson Val Schrader said. “We know who the poachers are and keep an eye on them. Hell, we’re lucky when we have gas money for the patrol boat. Where would we get the cash to buy a spy balloon?”
Others were convinced foreign governments are behind the object.
“Nothing worth spying on here . . . or is there?” Paloma Fairlead said. “Seems to be hanging out over the south end. Probly some secret base up on the bluff Cuba’s surveilling. And missles, I’ll bet, like the one the U.S. hid in the church steeple years ago. Or it’s the U.S. spying on Cuba. In any case, it’s got folks scared.”
Some locals suspect a more sinister motive.
“They’re usin’ arrays hangin’ underneath it for mind control, pure and simple,” Linford Blenny said. “Global Illuminati’s all around us. Never know who they are, but they’re set on brainwashin’ us all. And hacking our internet servers to steal passwords and bankin’ info. I wrapped my modem in three layers of foil, just to be safe.”
Island authorities were less concerned.
“For anyone to succeed at mind control on this island, they’d have to first find a mind,” government watchdog Wade Soote said. “Everybody on this little rock is totally safe. My bet, it’s a puff of cirrus cloud caught in a vortex that keeps it swirling around in place. I keep telling folks to ignore it—it’ll go away. And if it doesn’t, well, then we’ll all be enslaved by lizard people before the weekend’s out.”
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Blacktip Island Weather
Sunday, March 3, 2024
Temperature: 79
Humidity: 61%
Precipitation: Not today
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Blacktip Island To Stage Stone-Casting Criticism Event
Blacktip Island residents will ease some pent-up frustration Saturday morning at Eagle Ray Cove with the small Caribbean island’s inaugural Cast the First Stone criticism and rock-skipping festival. (photo courtesy of Killy Ridols)
Blacktip Island civic leaders announced the inaugural Cast the First Stone public criticism and rock-skipping festival in Eagle Ray Sound Saturday to address growing tensions on the small Caribbean island.
“Stress has been high lately, what with the lagging tourism numbers and the rising prices,” de facto island mayor Jack Cobia said. “Folks keeping grievances to themselves to keep the peace, that’s about to have the opposite effect. Blacktip’s like a powder keg now, just waiting to go off. Cast the First Stone’s aimed at relieving some of that pressure.
“Folks’ll bring as many rocks as they want to the beach by Eagle Ray Cove resort,” Cobia said. “Then, they’ll take turns skipping rocks across the water while they yell out all the pent-up frustration about other folks they’ve been keeping bottled up. And in the process, we’ll see who can skip a stone the farthest.”
Island leaders praised the event.
“Keeping resentment suppressed for a long time, that’s not healthy,” the former Reverend Jerrod Ephesians, chair of the Blacktip Island Ecumenical Council, said. “This should benefit individuals as well as the community. Obviously, the name’s an allusion to the Bible verse about, ‘He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone.’ But in this case, Jesus was wrong. Sometimes it’s good to cast that stone. It can be liberating.”
Mental health experts were also supportive.
“Realistically, a lot of angry, repressed people in one spot yelling insults at each other has the potential for physical violence,” Tiperon University-Blacktip psychology professor Donna Requin said. “But that can be healthy, too, long term. So long as no one gets too badly hurt physically. I expect the event will be highly cathartic.”
Event organizers expect a large turnout.
“People airing their dirty laundry in public, at the top of their voices? Yeah, that’s guaranteed to draw a crowd,” Fannie Bottoms said. “Folks’ll come from all over to hear the gossip. And we’ll have rules in place to make sure things don’t get too out of hand.
“Every shouted claim will be rigorously fact checked,” Bottoms said. “Rock-skipping points will be deducted for any falsehoods, with point reduction commensurate with the degree of the lies used. And we’re reminding all contestants slander can, and will, be pursued in civil court.”
Others noted the inclusion of all the community in the event.
“We’ll have old-fashioned rock fights for the kiddos, in keeping with the original Bible verse,” Christina Goby said. “We’ll have them 50 or so yard apart, so no one’ll get too terribly hurt by thrown rocks. We’ll encourage them to yell insults, too, so they can get fully embrace the spirit of the day. And worst case, Nurse Marissa’ll be standing by with bandages.”
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Blacktip Island Weather
Sunday, March 3, 2024
Temperature: 77
Humidity: 59%
Precipitation: Not even a little
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The Blacktip Times 