Former Blacktip Island mayor Jack Cobia hopes to oust incumbent Melvin the hermit crab in next month’s island-wide mayoral election. (photo courtesy of Rushen)
Former Blacktip Island Mayor Jack Cobia will launch his re-election campaign this afternoon at the Last Ballyhoo bar, hoping to regain the office he lost to Melvin the hermit crab four years ago.
“The people of Blacktip deserve more than this do-nothing excuse for government,” Cobia said. “People’re suffering economically and physically, and Melvin has no plan to address that. He’s not even aware of it. That needs to change. Pronto.
“Prices on Blacktip are too high,” Cobia said. “We need to drop the tax on alcohol. And cigarettes. I have plans to lower, and cap, prices at Peachy Bottoms’ store, too. Just because it’s the only store on the island doesn’t mean she can charge extortionary prices.”
Island residents were indifferent to the announcement.
“Got no problem with how things are now,” Antonio Fletcher said. “Our mayor may be a hermit crab, but he don’t do anything to complicate my life. So long as he leaves me alone, I’ll vote for him again. Jack’s just stirring things up for personal gain. Like he always does.
“The position’s honorary, and unpaid,” Fletcher said. “Jack don’t have the power to make good on any of his campaign promises. He just wants the title for his ego. That’s not an issue with Melvin.”
Others were more hostile to Cobia’s campaign.
“Jack’s got no right telling me what I can charge at my store,” Peachy Bottoms said. “This’s a free market, and folks don’t have to buy groceries from me. They’re free to buy food from the big island and have it shipped over. I provide a service. Sure, a bunch of grapes costs $25, but when you factor in spoilage and transport and economy of scale, that’s a fair price for living in paradise. Or whatever this is.”
Others supported Cobia’s bid.
“I’m 110 percent behind Jack with his plans to scuttle taxes on booze and smokes,” Gage Hoase said. “And lowering prices at the store. Plus, he’s a genius for saying the constable should to stay in police station unless there’s an actual emergency. That’ll eliminate all those pesky drunk-driving roadblocks.”
This afternoon’s announcement will be followed by a campaign rally with free drinks provided by the Cobia campaign. The Blacktip Times could neither confirm nor deny reports of Cobia making cash payments to voters.
The Blacktip Times 